Tag Archives: work from home mom

Moment of Truth

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I’m going to be completely honest with you all, I messed up. Not necessarily in parenting(not yet anyway), but with my organization. Yes, I am the same person who wrote about maximizing your time, told y’all how I schedule everything, and well….for the last two months of 2022 I was all over the place. Honestly, I think that’s been the case since September 2022. I’ve been ALL OVER THE PLACE. I’m being extremely transparent because transparency is at the core of who I am as a blogger. I don’t hide stuff from you all lol! Two, I am giving you permission to fail(ish) and rebound from it. I failed in certain aspects of managing my time which I’ll get into in a minute but guess what? While it’s not how I like to do things, I survived, the boy thrived, he’s happy, healthy, and well most things got done.

NOW, let me tell you all what the heck happened. For those of you who are new here, I am in a master’s program. This is year two of a two-and-a-half program. With the arrival of 2023 I can actually see the “end of the tunnel” but um, last semester, Fall 2022 that was not the case. My semesters are divided into two, eight-week classes. In theory, this is to ensure you’re able to handle the coursework while juggling adult life. The first course I took in Fall 2022 was a Bio Stats class. I’ve taken stats before in undergrad and so I was not necessarily concerned. I prepared as I normally do for any class, I studied the syllabus, placed due dates in my calendar, reminders to do or check work, and made a study plan. Y’all nothing would’ve prepared me for that class. NOTHING!!!!!

I was spending the entire day doing work. ENTIRE DAY!!! I was going to bed and sleeping maybe 4 hours because of course I’m not just a student and there were other things I had to do…like be a parent. You guys, I cut OUT all extracurricular activities, I barely took time for myself, and I had to temporarily eliminate movie night with my son….there was just not enough time in the day to complete all of this work. The homework assignments were killer. You had maybe 3 days to turn them in, and you had to get the assigned percentage. For example, for most assignments, I needed an 80% in order to have the homework assignment counted. It would take a minimum of 3 hours to do the assignments, I wouldn’t get an 80 and then had to try the entire assignment all over again. Some assignments I didn’t receive credit for, and it wasn’t because I didn’t do the work, it was simply because I didn’t get the approved grade. I’m a perfectionist when it comes to my work but I’d say 50% of the homework assignments I didn’t get credit for.

This class was brutal. YES, I got a tutor, YES I met with the TA, hell, I even met with the professor a few times. The shit kicked my ass and there is no other way to say it. My brain was fried, and I felt defeated. I was doing my best but it was nowhere near good enough. I was tired, battered, and just over it. I actually pondered dropping the class and prolonging my graduation date. Shit was beyond rough. Y’all know it was because I don’t cuss like this in my writing….so my apologies. Guys, one weekend I needed to preserve my sanity so I blew everything off and thing out with my son. I must say that was refreshing for both of us.

In the end, by the absolute Grace of God I finished with a B-. I couldn’t have been more excited but y’all I was exhausted. I’m still not sure how I managed my son’s birthday. But the beating I took caused me to literally fly by the seat of my pants through November and December. My brain was done, I couldn’t bring myself to do anything. I was so exhausted from the previous class that I failed to chart out my second class, and almost missed the due date for my final project. BUT God!!!!

In closing, I completely apologize for leaving you all hanging. I apologize for my inconsistency, for my randomness, and for not following through. I assure you that I did nothing but rest over the last 2-3 weeks and I am rejuvenated and ready for the new year. I have already begun planning my year, and I’ve even tightened up some of my organizational skills and techniques. I’ll write about some of the interesting things I decided to do and the goals I’ve set for myself and my son very soon. For now, I just wanted to apologize and thank you for sticking with me!

Birthday Month!!!!!

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Remember I told you all the fall season is like my single mama Superbowl??? Well, it totally is! September is back to school-ish but it also marks the start of most fall festivals; October, is the peak month for fall festivals and Halloween, and November is my son’s birthday month….and Thanksgiving. Needless to say if not planned properly fall can be overwhelming and certainly a financial crunch. Yet, my son always seems to come out on “top” and there are a few reasons for that. In this month’s series, I’ll talk through my planning process, my selection of birthday gifts, how I decide to do parties, and all of the jazz that makes the fall season and birthdays special. Since fall festivals typically begin before November we’ll start there.

First off, I plan. I have to…I don’t do too well without at least an outline of a plan. Bare bones planning usually takes place at the beginning of the year when I am goal planning. For me, bare-bones planning consists of me listing out different events I know will occur in whatever season or month (if I have that info) and maybe an approximation of how much it costs. For example, I know the fall season means school pictures, his school’s bookfair, the school walkathon, several October Fest, class birthday parties, pumpkin patches, apple picking, parades, the UniverSoul Circus, Halloween parades(both the school and the neighborhood’s), his class Halloween party, and at least one football game I will want to take him to. Now, realistically that’s not all of the events that occur in the fall, it’s just a list of things we tend to do. This skeletal outline of sorts allows me to place holds on my calendar (read https://chroniclesofasinglemom.home.blog/2022/09/14/tips-to-master-your-calendar/ for more information on how I organize my calendar). The holds keep me from potentially taking on more than I can both attend and afford. A hidden perk of the skeletal outline is having an idea of how much to save, or what coupons to look for.

After creating a skeletal outline of my calendar, I do two things, one, I already know which invites to decline. This year we said no to all birthday party invites from his classmates. Sorry, kids. We didn’t have the time, I didn’t have the money AND all of this is in synchronized harmony because he’s not having a party this year so it doesn’t look as if I am cheating out of other parties while expecting gifts. Secondly, I pencil (not really since it’s my google calendar) his sports lessons, and try to leave at least one day blocked for rest. The rest day is essential because it blocks off time in case something comes up that I decide to do, but also it’s a day for us to do nothing:)

Third, and for me this is the fun part-figuring out who to do what with. I have a fair amount of friends with children that are my son’s age and we try to get the kids together quarterly (minimum). Fall activities are a great time to connect, the weather is generally perfect and as an only child he now has someone to enjoy the adventure with. A hidden perk of my son’s birthday being in the fall is he gets to hit a few of these places as birthday presents. Yup, you read that right. My friends are ALWAYS asking what to get him, and my answer changed from nothing to “well, pay for his admission on our outing.” Guess what, they don’t mind at all. Paying for his admission to a fall activity is much easier than wrecking one’s brain to find the perfect gift, trying to remember a gift receipt in case he gets two of the same gift, or worse consoling their child who just threw a tantrum because they want the same toy. It’s a win-win situation for both me and said friend. We will cover more of my gifting hacks in a later blog.

Lastly, saving is great and all but a good coupon will give you life lol!!!! If you haven’t figured it out by now I am frugal. I’m not necessarily cheap BUT I love a good deal. Fall festivities, Halloween, a fall birthday, and both major holidays can wreak havoc on your bank account. Enters coupons! Now, most times coupons are hard to find for fall fest. Look for coupons and discount codes from your child’s school or daycare, and the library. Here in Chicago, our libraries have free passes for different museums and exhibits. The trick is getting those passes at the right time. Secondly, use Groupon and Krazy Coupon Lady. These are my go -tos and they rarely let me down. Actually, I got my son’s birthday trip from Krazy Coupon lady:) It’s also a good idea to sign up for the parent magazines and websites in your area. These are hubs of children’s info and they always give activities, and a lot of times they’ll inform you of when the free or deeply discounted days are. Also, know who the mom/children’s social media influencers are in your area and, be sure to follow their pages. They know everything. Finally, don’t be afraid to go on an attraction’s website and look for discounted days. It may be a Friday evening or something odd like that but if you can take some time off work and go!

In closing, if I had to bulletpoint how I navigate the fall season it would look like this: plan ahead, save, narrow down what you really want to do, don’t overbook yourself or your child, think outside of the box, and most importantly find coupons. These points will get you through the fall season without breaking the bank, especially if you have a fall baby. Let’s help one another, leave your fall fest hacks in the comments below!

Fighting For What You Deserve is Sometimes Exhausting

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I know growth hurts, but every now and then I have to be reminded of that fact. My job searches are usually seamless, I apply for jobs, I find jobs that I like, I interview, get hired and work, end of story. The entire process takes maybe 2 months, not long at all and I’m always satisfied. This year, the search has been different and dare I say sometimes downright exhausting. I started flirting with the idea of finding a new job in the summer of 2021 when I realized I was doing more than I was getting paid for.

One of the first things I do when I applying for new jobs is examine my motives. This is not to say I believe motives for finding a new job are right or wrong, but I like to know the reason for the move. The second thing I do is determine the logistics: pay, drive time, type of work(remote or on site), hours. Once all of this is determined I begin looking for jobs and researching companies that have policies conducive for parents. Finally, I start applying.

My approach to finding work hasn’t changed, if anything it has tightened up and gotten more specific. I am a more focused candidate, I know exactly what I want and need, and yes, I am able to determine if a want in a company is negotiable, But, again this time is different.

I’ve applied for quite a few jobs(more within the last month than the entire year) and I have interviewed for and been offered 3 of those jobs. I didn’t take any of the positions. When weighing the pros/cons of each position I realized I’d be taking a loss, and not just financially. I certainly look at the financial aspect, but more than anything I look at potential loss of time with my son. This is HUGE for me because I am a single parent with a very small support system. I don’t want to be more than 30 minutes away from him for multiple reasons. What if something happens at school? I need to be able to get to him. I also need to be able to get home to him and have time to cook, help with homework, and go through our bedtime routine without rushing. If I can’t do that, the job is a loss. Financially, if I have to pay for an afterschool sitter the job is a loss. I am not striving to make more money only to pay more for childcare. No thanks.

Now, back to why I didn’t take one of the jobs I was offered…bottom line they weren’t worth it. The first job was remote but wanted me to work PST(I’m on CST) and work rotating weekends. As much as I didn’t like the idea of weekends I was willing to give that up had we negotiated me working CST. I have a 4 year old, no way I can work 2 hours behind, that would completely interrupt bedtime. The money also wasn’t good enough for me to find more help, an extra 5k…no thanks. The second job was on-site with 4 remote days per month. Benefits were great, the real issue is they were only offering me 5k more than what I currently make and unwilling to negotiate. Y’all, I never would’ve seen hat 5k. I would’ve had to use that on gas, parking, lunch, and afterschool childcare, At the end of the day it wasn’t worth it.

The job search is becoming grueling because I am starting to believe there are few jobs that meet my needs or are willing to negotiate. It makes me wonder if my standards are too high, or if companies are even more insensitive to parental needs post COVID-19 waves. In all honesty, I don’t know that answer to that. I know that I am well aware of what I need, and I am also willing to negotiate certain things. However, if companies are unwilling to negotiate with parents in general this is not the job market people continue touting it to be. I am still looking and intend to continue looking but the exhaustion is real.

Discontentment

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Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been detailing my job dissatisfaction and the possibility of being laid off. I brushed over my emotions regarding the possible layoff but I never talked about my discontentment with the job prior to all of that happening. According to Merriam-Webster discontentment is defined as the lack of satisfaction with one’s status, possessions, or situation. For me, it wasn’t about status, but possessions and situation(s). I took this job a couple of years ago happy that I was moving from a contractor role to that of an employee. Employee status afforded me stability income-wise, and insurance which is a must for anyone with children. I’ve often said if it weren’t for my son I’d work as a contractor while improving upon and building my own business. Unfortunately, when he was born I was nowhere near where I needed to be financially in order to support a newborn as an entrepreneur, and shortly after that his other 23 chromosomes split so I got up and got back into the workforce. I did what needed to be done, and I don’t regret that. Back to why we’re here lol…

I knew what I was getting into when I took this job, I was getting into a remote position with limited opportunities for growth, with mediocre pay that would require a lot during busy season. I was fine with that because it got me out of the field during the height of the pandemic (first wave), allowed me to learn how to do contracts and other backend work that could help me move into a better position, and it gave me insurance. That’s why I took the job. I never intended to stay more than 2 years in the position. About 6 months into the position I learned I did NOT want the other job that I originally wanted to move into. From working as a partner with what I thought would be the “next move” for me I learned people in that role are beyond stressed and are not allowed to impose work-life boundaries on clients. As a single-parent I value boundaries and a work-life balance not having it is a no go for me. Seven to eight months into my current job I earned my highest take-home pay and was pissed because it was nowhere near enough. Nine months into my job I was told by a mortagator that I don’t make enough to buy a house where I wanted to live….like not even close to where I wanted to live. Basically, I could buy a house but it would not be in a good neighborhood. I’ve been in my feelings since then, real talk. How is it that I assist in the sale of homes on a daily basis (that’s my job), I work in real estate but I can’t afford to purchase a home for myself and my son?!?!? That was the end of the end for me, and I’ve been discontent since.

I stayed in the role reminding myself of the consolation prize, remote work, and the ability to be with my son. No matter how many times I reminded myself of that it wasn’t good enough. In hind sight I settled, I didn’t do myself any favors. Hell staying in the role caused more harm than good. Now, I will admit I have applied in spurts throughout the year and was even offered 2 positions with other companies, neither of which I accepted. After weighing the pros and cons, neither job was a step up for me. Both offers were lateral steps that didn’t offer enough money to leave the position I already had. Discontentment soured into apathy; apathy soured into disassociation; disassociation turned into loathsome. The latest possibility of being laid off is a bruise to my ego, for other reasons BUT it is also a sigh of relief. In some way, I feel like it’s God’s way of telling me a new job needs to be my central focus.

I don’t know what’s next, but I do know it felt good to get all of those emotions out. It feels good to have a focal point and to know what my negotiables and non-negotiables are in a job. Here’s to new beginnings!

Coming Soon…

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In my last blog I detailed how my current position is no longer working for my family. Crazy thing is I started that blog a little over three weeks ago and edited it numerous times. In my opinion, it never conveyed my true feelings. I think there were so many emotions mixed in the realization that I needed to actively search for a new job that I hadn’t sorted through them. It’s one thing to know you need a new job, it’s one thing to look for a job, and it’s an entirely different thing for both you and your company to realize your current job is a dead end for both parties. Both parties’ realization of the obvious is what I believe left me most baffled.

I’ve had summer jobs since I was twelve and I am more than 10 years into my post-undergrad work life. I’ve started and run a business (until the birth of my son), I experimented with the thought of starting a second but realized the idea was great but it wasn’t something I was passionate about. Needless to say, I’ve not ever been disciplined, laid off, or fired. Anytime I left a company it was on my own terms and always for growth. I am potentially (our company hasn’t announced it yet, but we all know it’s coming) in the next round of layoffs at our company and not too sure how I feel about it.

My ego feels mildly bruised for reasons I’ll detail in another blog, part of me wants to worry (I refuse), but once I get past all of that I am really at peace. As a single-parent it is ALWAYS easy to worry when finances are involved. You being to think about provisions, insurance, bills….all the bills lol! Yet, I am choosing not to go that route.

I’ve begun completing an average of 3-4 applications on a daily basis, I have a resume writer, and I’ve completed a few call screenings and interviews. Honestly, I was offered a job but I would’ve ended up losing money had I taken that position. The company was offering 5K more than what I make now, however, I would’ve needed to find before and after care for my child, increase my bi-weekly gas budget, add a lunch budget, and pay for my own license renewal….5K would’ve been easily lost. The company did not want to negotiate the pay even though my experience is exactly what they needed to build this position and department out so I turned it down. A win. I am also in the process of rebalancing my budget, there are things I can cut if I get laid off. I’ve looked into how long I can stay on unemployment, and I made a daily schedule…just in case. I am still applying for positions, but studying some things to assist in my pursuit of passive income. I am literally doing all that I can do.

I think it is important to have a plan and be ready to put it into action. I feel as though for the moment I’ve done all I can planning-wise. Actually, I think I’ve done all I can emotionally; after all, I’ve admitted how I feel about it and I’ve searched to figure out why I feel that way.

Aside from making sure I am not worrying, I’m honestly excited and relieved. I feel like the potential layoff gives me more time to apply for jobs, but also it gives me time to nurture my own pursuits, like my blog. All of this is preliminary, so I’ll have to keep you posted! If you’ve ever been in this position what did you do? What are some strategies you used to look for new employment but balance your pursuits? Comment below!

Good Enough is No Longer Good Enough

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My son is happiest when I’m home with him, there’s no getting around that. Working remotely has made that possible, it’s allowed me to organize and attend class parties, allowed me to attend all of his school functions, and it’s afforded him the ability to not spend 12+ hours away from home. In fact, if he was sick or when his class was quarantined, working remotely made it easier for him to stay home. I didn’t have to look for a sitter, I wasn’t out of extra money, and there were no issues.

Working remotely presented a few issues of its own, because it was remote I did not make enough. I actually justified staying in the low-paying job because it provided me with the flexibility of time. Not only was I able to do what was necessary with and or for my son, but I also didn’t have to work weekends and for the most part I did very little overtime. There was a rare occasion when I worked past 5P. What happens when freedom of time isn’t enough? Or worse what happens when the one thing keeping you at the job(work-life boundaries) get blurred?

What happens when you’re at a crossroads of needing more money and time flexibility? What does that look like in a country where the health pandemic has magnified the crisis that working mothers have faced for years? I honestly have no clue, no idea how or where to begin my search. I’ve been at this crossroad for a while now, and I honestly tried to avoid it. Each time I’ve had enough I pull out my reasons for why this job is good for us, but this time…it’s not working.

In all honesty, I don’t know what happens and I don’t know how to fix this. What I do know is I can’t continue to stay in a position that no longer fits my family’s needs. The crazy thing is in the midst of my unsatisfaction, I am still thankful. Thankful that I had the opportunity to work from home, thankful this job afforded me opportunities to be a better parent, and thankful that I learned what this particular season of my life needs in a job. I think being able to conceptualize and articulate my specific needs is probably the best gift I could’ve received.

Based on my needs I think it’s also important to step up my passive income pursuits and my entrepreneurial goals and timeline. We know most companies are not suitable for mothers. It’s time to make an exit plan and put it into action.

From “We” to “Me”

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When I first started my single-parent journey breaking the habit of saying “we” was not only tough, it was something I wasn’t sure would ever happen. If you’ve been with me for a while you may remember me blogging about the difficulty and how I had to change my perspective and redefine “we”. In my own experience transitioning into single parenthood comes with many redefining terms. I decided to write this blog because I wanted people to know, it does happen. It takes time, there is NO specific timeline, but it happens. There is light at the end of the tunnel. It took me about 2 years (maybe one but honestly 2020 is a blur) but I am more comfortable than ever saying “me”.

First of all, I occasionally say “we” but I know who “we” consists of. When I use the pronoun “we” I am not speaking of my child’s other parent, I am however honoring my support system and giving them credit for assisting me in whatever the task is at hand. For example, “we’ve talked to him extensively about knowing the difference between what he can and can’t control.” I didn’t make that sentence up lol, it’s from a conversation my mother and I had with my son’s teacher. However, not only was I the one that made the comment, but I also felt it was important to honor her for assisting in those conversations with him. She understood and knew what I was trying to accomplish and made it a point to reinforce the concept with him. I appreciate her efforts and the efforts of my entire support system and so yes, when appropriate I honor them in public by saying “we”.

Second, yes I have healed considerably over the last three-four years, and with that has come a different love and respect for myself and the effort I put into providing for and raising my son. I work my ass off to ensure he has everything he needs and a great portion of what he wants. Hell, if I am being completely honest homeboy has a mild sense of entitlement( something else we’re working on and that deserves a blog all of its own). I DESERVE to say “me”, “mine”, “I”, and not feel any pain or a sense of loss and I am now at a point where I respect myself and my hustle enough to be able to do so. Saying “me” and/or “I” when discussing a decision I’ve made for my son is a form of respect. I am not being prideful, but in reality, I am setting the expectation for others when they need to address me about my son, and I am also acknowledging that I am the expert when it comes to his care.

Using the pronouns “me” and “I” also remind my son who is family is. He is now old enough to understand and feel the pain of having an absentee father and while I allow him space to freely talk and express his feelings, I also want him to remember who his family consists of. At his age, it is easy to imagine a scenery where he has and lives in a nuclear family, and while he may one day get an earthly father, it hasn’t happened yet…so stay in the present. I need him to know, honor and love the family he has.

In closing, your journey will not happen the way mine did but I wanted to share there is a point where your pronouns won’t bring you pain. Remember as you continue to heal your perspective will change, and with that change of perspective comes more resolve for how you will personalize and cope through this. Take it day by day, you will eventually get there.

If I’m Being Honest

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If I’m being honest (and I am) I am beginning to have some concern for my son’s mental well-being during the pandemic. I’ll admit because he didn’t start the pandemic asking a million questions, or showing any real signs of fear I’d hoped we got through the rough period. Actually I’d hoped that he wouldn’t recognize the change and wouldn’t recognize things were different. I’d hoped he’d be able to get out of this without really knowing what happened. However, I was wrong. Delay is not definitive of denial and that was the case with my son. As time progressed, as our Stay at Home Order has been extended I’ve begun to notice things. I notice how some days he’s reluctant to go outside; yet other days he doesn’t want to go back in. I’ve noticed the excessive clinginess; the random crying outburst for no reason. I can see the fear and curiosity in his eyes when he sees everyone in masks. He’s realized he can ride to the store but no longer go in. He’s realized he no longer goes to daycare to see his teachers and friends. He’s realized we no longer go anywhere; the park; church; the mall; playdates; museums; kids shows; no more Mommy and me outings; no haircuts; none of it! And while I thought I’d escaped having to discuss this with him he wants to know why.

My personal parenting philosophy is to tell the truth, with very little sugar coating. For example stories are stories and lies are lies. Yes I shield his sense of imagination; and his feelings. I understand he has very little emotional capacity but I try to be as straightforward with him as possible. In this instance it’s too much! Yes, he deserves answers; he deserves to know what’s going on; he deserves to know why his routine has been interrupted but he also deserves to have his mental state protected. 

If I’m being honest I don’t know where to start. The Stay at Home Order is a must; our abiding by the Order is another must as it’s the best way to ensure our safety, but I’m not sure how to have this heavy conversation with him. If I’m being honest I don’t want to have this conversation with him. We literally just talked about his absent father and from what I can see he’s doing alright with that. Why must I burden a 2 year old with a pandemic as well?!? I want to protect him; his emotional capacity; his innocence. I just no longer think it’s possible. It hurts me that my young son has to bear so much unnecessary pain. Because of this I am concerned for his mental state. I’d already planned to get him a counselor once he got older to talk about and work through both the pain of not having his biological father around and the trauma of being a black boy in America. However that’s in the future, I need to help his mental state now. I’ve worked as hard as I can to keep him on his daycare schedule; we go outside as much as possible; we engage in cooking and art; we have movie nights every weekend; we have dance parties; I make sure he hears our virtual church services and Bible Studies. We get involved in the Kid’s Zoom Meet Up for church; he’s had a virtual Playdate; and I’m feverishly searching for a dog; he needs a companion. Yet, I can’t help feeling like a failure when he randomly bursts into tears; or when he gets scared because he sees a face covering. Is this really the world my child is going to grow up in?!? I can’t help but wonder how this will affect him mentally and emotionally. I also can’t help but wonder what more can I do to help him.

If I’m being honest I feel this will have a significant affect on all our children. Missed milestones such as graduations, proms and luncheons; canceled dances, sports, and arts; celebrating birthdays alone. While it’s all necessary it’s a lot to ask of our children. My heart goes out to them because I understand their sacrifices are robbing them of dreams and prolonging goals. Our villages (family, friends, parenting circles) are being stretched thin trying to make sure our babies know we understand and yet celebrate and commend them. It’s a lot!!! And while I’m being honest my heart especially goes out to my son’s half sister who is being robbed of her eighth grade luncheon and graduation. Should I care, absolutely not because of how her father disregards my son but do I care; yes, I’m a Mother. I wish (maybe too strong of a word but all I can think of right now) I could be apart of her new celebration of achievement; I’d just want to make it memorable for her but as it stands-that’s nowhere near an option. That’s not necessarily something I mourn but…I’m being honest(inserts shrug).

If I’m honest none of us want to raise broken children. I don’t want to raise a broken son; his mental and emotional health mean the world to me. But since I’m being honest this is too much for any of us😩

Son, I Too Have Asked “Where Is Your Daddy?”

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Another month in 2020, another month under a Stay at Home Order. t was my intention to release this blog last week but I spent my free time searching for a dog for my son. No such luck yet, but the rationale behind him getting a dog is an entirely different blog altogether. I’ve recently written a few blogs detailing how my son has been questioning and for as much as a toddler can- working through the answer to his burning question “where is my daddy?” This is something that I’ve continued to both pray on and blog about. I’ve gotten some good suggestions from you all and for that I thank you. This particular blog is going to take a different turn. It’s something I wrote to my son’s father on my son’s first birthday but never sent. When I found it in the notes section of my phone I debated writing it out and putting it away for my son to read at a much later age-not because I want him to hate his father but because I originally thought it would help if he saw that he wasn’t the only one with that question. As I sat reading the letter I decided against writing it out for my son to read; I feel it’s too emotional and I honestly don’t want him to combine my past pain with whatever pain he may be working through at that (future) stage of his life. I also flat out just don’t want my son to worry about me, that’s not his job. I have however decided to share the letter with my readers. I want people to know and “see” that healing is possible. Yes, healing hurts and it takes time but it’s worth it. I want people to understand I wasn’t always strong, or forgiving. I want whoever needs to hear this to know someone once walked in your shoes; felt your pain; and plans to make it to the other side. The other side being not only healing and forgiving my son’s father BUT also opening my heart to love again. You, too can do this. So here goes:

11/13/18 this day was so painful. It should’ve been very happy and honestly in spurts it was but as has been the last month, there were random periods of tears. Yup, our child’s first birthday and I cried….several times actually. The first time I cried was because I wanted to text you, well obviously that wasn’t an option but I realized the very reason I wanted to text, you honestly wouldn’t have been able to share with me. I wanted to reminisce, recall what was going on at certain points, reflect on how we felt or reacted to different events on the day I brought our son into the world. Slowly, I remembered you weren’t there. I couldn’t reminisce or recall with you; and there certainly could be no reflection because you weren’t there. Flashback to one year ago, I needed you so much that day. I needed you to hold my hand; to calm my nerves; to reassure me that everything was ok and I was doing a good job….cuz well I didn’t believe the nursing staff. I thought they kept telling me that just to keep me calm, to keep my blood pressure and heart rate down, to keep me from throwing up. I remember finally deciding to get the epidural after approximately 24 hours of labor with very little pain meds thinking “I don’t want this but if I end up having a c-section I also don’t wanna be knocked out and in recovery for 2 hours and not being able to hold my baby. My baby needs to feel one of his parents within the first few minutes of life…not after 2 hours.” I agreed, and in came the anesthesiologist explaining to me that I needed to be very still while he was placing the epidural in my back, even if I had a contraction I had to be still. If I moved I could risk him hitting a nerve and paralyzing me. Welp, the first time he tried I had one hell of a contraction, moved, screamed….he jumped and barely got the thing in. He took a step back, looked at it said it was terribly placed and he was gonna take that one out and reinsert it. Sir, I barely got through one attempt now you saying you wanna do it again? I guess the second time was a charm because he placed it perfectly and once it was in I immediately felt the medicine(sweet relief). 

After getting the epidural I remember falling asleep, finally some peace. I woke up  2-3 hours later, got rechecked, assured I’d finally made it to 9cm (because if they were wrong again I would’ve found the energy to scream at them) and being told “whatever you do don’t push; we’re gonna break everything down and set up for your son’s birth.” The. Longest. 30. Mins. Of. My. Life. I wanted to push so many times while they were setting up. It took forever, or so I thought. Finally, the doctor came over and asked if I was ready to deliver I told him no. 26.5 hrs later, the moment I’d been waiting on and I told him no. He asked me why not and I told him you weren’t there yet and you couldn’t miss it. He gave me an empathetic look, stared right into my eyes and told me it wasn’t like the ultrasound where they could keep playing around until you got there. This was different and the baby couldn’t wait. It was time and I had no other options. Fighting back tears I took a deep breath and said ok. Thus the delivery of our son began. 

For as terrible as labor was delivery was  surprisingly easy. It took us about 30 mins. I wore the oxygen mask between pushes to ensure my levels stayed high and that the baby was getting enough energy. It took around 7 pushes, no seriously it didn’t take much. Around the 4th push I looked over at my mom and asked where were you? I whinned about you missing it and her response was he’s probably with his daughter. I asked if you’d texted for an update and she said don’t worry keep pushing…..which meant no. Again, fighting back tears I kept pushing and a few minutes later the most beautiful baby I’ve ever laid eyes on was born. For the first time of many over the course of the last year I had to put my feelings aside and care for him. He made that easy, he immediately snuggled right under me once he was placed into my arms. Which, by the way took a little extra time as they originally didn’t like his heart rate. After a few minutes, his heart rate slowed to a pace they were comfortable with, they cleaned him, measured, weighed in and placed him in my arms. True love at first sight. Looking at him made me happy; holding him made me happy; him snuggling into my chest made me happy. And suddenly I felt too much joy to be sad. All I could do was wish you were there too. 


It dawned on me yesterday while reminiscing on the day our son was born that the day of his birthday was the second time I felt he and I weren’t a priority in your life; unfortunately it was the first time I felt you rejected us. Yesterday I realized I hadn’t forgiven you for not being there, but how could I? You were not there the day I needed you most. On top of that you never apologized for missing it. Ok so you started a new job that day, but you could’ve came back after work. You could’ve called and talked to me, hell you could’ve FaceTime-d me. I would’ve at least felt like you made an effort had any of that been done. Instead you did nothing, you didn’t even communicate to me that you weren’t coming back. Yea, that was the first instance of rejection and that realization triggered this particular burst of tears. That’s our son’s birth story, now you know how it went…and as a result why I cried. 

Absent Father Syndrome:

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Two-ish weeks ago I blogged about my son asking where is his father; I mentioned that his line of questioning tends to subside but not necessarily go away. While he’s currently not asking as much I am beginning to notice other effects of “where’s my daddy” syndrome. If you’ve read a few of my blogs, by now you know my son is a bit more observant than the normal two year old. I know that toddler’s super powers include sniffing out snacks, and asking questions but the level of questions mine asks….let’s just say he pays attention to everything. For example he’s already asking “why to everything”; or who; or any number of things he strings together; sometimes he even hits me with two questions at once. Like why does he already understand follow up questions?!? Any who, he’s extremely observant and this can be both a gift and a curse.

(In my opinion) there are a few things that make it a curse; one such trait is if he feels he knows a routine he won’t listen; he just keeps moving with what he thinks he knows then looks crazy when what he thinks should happen doesn’t. Another trait that makes him being extremely observant a curse is he watches intently then mimics what he sees. This is fine for positive behavior; learning manners and etiquette; washing hands; learning chores; etc but not the best thing when learning to groom. For example, there are two women in the house so at some point (even if we allow him to do something educational or watch tv JUST to keep him busy) he sees someone applying makeup. This is so irritating, as now he knows what makeup is and thinks it’s alright to play with the brushes. We explain to him that makeup brushes are NOT paint brushes and to put them down; and we also explain that makeup is something that women wear. We don’t admonish him; and we don’t berate him, we simply explain why makeup is used and whom it’s used by. I won’t necessarily say he gets it; but I know he hears us. We let him know that while women wear makeup men shave their faces. Then we find YouTube videos of black men shaving and show him. As of late I’ve also resorted to finding him a toy shaving kit. If anyone wants to purchase one for their son here’s my favorite ( https://www.lakeshorelearning.com/products/dramatic-play/dress-up-role-play/my-first-shaving-kit/p/PP889), problem is it’s sold out. The other toys I’ve found are a tad too old for him; and according to the reviews one is just not worth purchasing. I hope that once I get the shaving kit he can use that while we’re applying makeup or use it when we’re showing him videos of men shaving.

A second reason my son needs a male influence, he sees my heels and more often than not tries to put them on. They’re colorful and super cute so I understand why he’s attracted to them but this too has to be explained. Because there’s no male in the house for him to imitate he doesn’t see male shoes; or male clothes that aren’t his. To combat this issue when I’m out shopping I take him into the men’s section of the stores and let him pick out shoes he likes and then I slip his little feet into the shoes and let him stand and look in the mirror. We also go into the men’s clothing area and look around. I show him ties; dress shirts; hats(the bigger versions of what he wears now). We look at the mannequins and talk about how they’re dressed; what they have on. It’s still a lot though. This is not a constant thing as I’m not in the mall all the time and with “Shelter in Place” it’s going to be worse.

My child needs continuous male influence, he craves it; his behavior says so. Sure I can teach him to be a kind; smart; caring human but, I can’t teach him how to be a man. And if I’m being extremely honest I didn’t expect him to need to learn how to be a man so soon. I’m not quite sure what I was thinking; or if I thought about it at such a young age. What I do know is I have to make further adjustments; I have to figure out how to keep male behaviors in front of him so he knows and understands what to do.

From a woman’s perspective I need to hurry up and get married-lolbvs! However I’m not going to rush that. I refuse to settle or end up with someone who is TERRIBLE for both of us just because I was anxious to get a male in front of him. A terrible male influence can be worse than no male influence at all. Yet, I also don’t want to put him with my male friends too much and have him get the wrong understanding of the situation. It’s honestly a tough place to be in.