Tag Archives: Single parent

Self Care

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Self Care has been one of the trending topics for a few years now. I believe part of the reason this is the case is because society drives us(probably more the case for millennial and Gen Z-ers) parents and to “have it all” meaning we’re expected to over excel in all areas of life: school; career; dating/married life; parenting; social life; physical appearance; have an amazing bank account; drive the latest car; take trips; rock the freshest clothes; exercise; drink water; and sleep. Oh and of course post your entire life and all of it’s details on social media. How?!?!?! Somewhere along the lines while trying to live up to society’s standards we forgot to take care of ourselves; in fact we forgot what taking care of ourselves meant.

If I’m being honest that’s not how I forgot about myself; life happened. Being a first time parent is hard for any couple (married or not) and a little harder as a single parent. I didn’t mean to forget about me, I just didn’t know how to adjust to my role as a mom; then my role as a working mom; then my role as a single mom….and ultimately “me” didn’t make the priority list. My journey towards making myself a priority started with me going to counseling. I remember one day talking to my therapist extremely frustrated about only God knows what because at the moment I don’t remember; what I do remember is my therapist looking at me and asking “when do you make time for you?” I laughed and told her that wasn’t an option; there was no one else to do all the “things that needed to be done; no one else to take care of my son and so I had to suck it up and keep moving.” She looked at me crazily and told me things would always need to get done but I had to make time for myself. I responded ” I’m here aren’t I? And that was that.

Flash forward about ten months to the day my therapist discharged me, she looked at me and said “come a long way promise me you wont go back to absolutely no me time.” I looked at her and told her I promised not to revert back to not even being a priority on my list. That was November ish, at that time I was making time for myself maybe two times per week…maybe…. but certainly once lo!! As you can see nothing grand but it was a heck of a start.

Last December I purposely told myself I was going to do something everyday towards enjoyment or relaxation. Sure I enjoy my son but I also want to do something specifically with me in mind. With that I decided I wanted to get back to reading; I’d start with a daily devotional …something uplifting and to continue feeding my spirit and hopefully move from my devotional to a book. I’d been listening to a podcast at least three times each week for about the last year now… so I decided to move that to five times each week.

Today I was having a conversation with a friend who asked what I was doing and my list included working from home; laundry; cooking; keeping my son busy; taking the Christmas tree down; and a few other things. I was like yea its a pretty busy day; my friend in turn goes “yup, that’s parenting, it’s always something.” For some reason today that clicked. I don’t know why but after two years it made sense. Y’all seriously, something will ALWAYS need to be done; it is up to you to carve out time for yourself. Self care doesn’t have to be elaborate, today I legit had a cup of tea while indulging in MSNBC (very relaxing right? don’t judge me lol) but that was it and I wouldn’t have gotten that had I not been intentional.

After today’s revelation I thoroughly believe self care is a mindset. It is something you must believe you need and deserve; then be intentional about getting it. Parents (all parents) I know you think there’s no time for it but you must make the time. You are such a better version of yourself for your family, and kids when you tend to your own needs. You’re less frustrated; more relaxed; happier; and healthier when you tend to yourself. No matter what your definition of self care is you have to be purposeful and intentional in getting your time in. It will be one of the most important things you do for yourself. It took me two years but I finally learned my lesson.

Lessons for 2020

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If I had to characterize 2019 in one word that word would be growth. If you’ve been reading the blog from the beginning or even read the entire thing in one week I think it was clear how over time my perspective; comfort level; and acceptance of things began to change. I’m  extremely appreciative for my growth and even more appreciative that I was able to understand and realize that it was a year of growth…and a few set ups as well. Upon examining a few highlights of the year I discovered a reoccurring theme; selectivity. Had I not been down right stubborn and ultra selective about some things I’m not sure they would’ve turned out the way they did. I then wondered why was it a huge shock that being selective was the difference maker in a lot of situations; I’ve always been extremely selective, it’s one of my strengths. Yet, something seemed different about my selectivity this year. It felt as if I almost had to force myself to be selective and therefore needed to celebrate the fact that I followed through.

Then it hit me, being selective was extremely hard for me last year AND many times I had to fight myself to even do it! What changed? Why was I now seemingly forcing myself into something I’d always done? The answer, MOTHERHOOD and not just any motherhood SINGLE MOTHERHOOD! As parents we’re expected to sacrifice for our children, but as single mothers(and I suspect fathers as well) it gets to a point where it appears that ALL you do is sacrifice. In my case I always put myself last and that’s if I ended up on the list at all. Yes, I have a support system but it’s relatively small and if it seems as though I’m exhausting my support system my mind automatically defaults to settling. Settling because “this is a temporary fix”; settling because I feel/felt alone or have to do things on my own; settling because “it just needs to get done.” My inner self wouldn’t allow me to “settle” and so while having internal battles; doubts; and while often hoping, praying I didn’t lose out on one option to get to what I deemed a better option I…was selective!!

And…it…WORKED!!!!! For example, my job situation this year has been nothing short of interesting. I began the year at a company that attempted to rob me of my work life balance; while attempting to tear into my confidence. For a few months I stayed. I stayed while they stressed me out; gave me terrible reviews; took me away from my child by lengthening my hours AND calling while I was at home with him. I looked into some other jobs and even my current career but thought “no this is a battle I can win” so I stayed. One day I realized my peace wasn’t worth that job so I decided to take that leap of faith quit my job and get my Real Estate license. It was a risky yet calculated move and it paid off. 

I also became more selective about who I allowed in my space. Easiest example being my son’s father. After 6-7 months of talking once a month (more like arguing once a month about whose fault it was that we were in that situation) I decided he no longer deserved to be in my space. He was a disruptor of my peace. If we’re only talking once a month but in those times you aren’t making arrangements to visit your child; you’re not asking what he needs; not paying for anything pertaining to him…why am I allowing you to continue taking my peace?!? I honestly can’t make you want to be a father; I can only extend a functional co-parenting space so much. The decision to be involved is and was on him. So why was I sacrificing my peace in an effort to get him involved? I decided to discontinue further communication with him until he reached out AND unless it was about our son. Seven months later and we still aren’t talking BUT I’m at peace.

Around September Real Estate began to slow down, totally normal and thus began my search for a part time job. I had standards though; I needed to be off by 5pm; I couldn’t work weekends; and I needed to be paid a minimum of $17/hour. I knew my expenses upfront, I knew what I needed to bring in to supplement my real estate income; and most importantly I knew even with the addition of another job I needed to be a present parent. I applied for several jobs; got called for a lot of interviews; turned down a decent portion of those interviews; went to the other half and was offered the job but turned it down after finding out some of the unlisted logistics. At the end of the day these jobs were not in my parameters, they didn’t fit my needs, some of them would’ve created a larger need; and they would’ve taken me away from my son. These positions weren’t right for me, yet without any external pressure I found myself wondering if I was doing the right thing and sometimes stressed and impatient with the process. It was here that I considered settling. Maybe a little extra income was better than no extra income. Maybe I was being too picky; was I really in a position to be so selective? All types of questions. Inspite of my doubts I stuck to my guns and refused to settle. I ended up getting a part time (sort of independent contractor still) position that pays a little more than what I need; has the perfect hours: and allows me to be with my son. All because I was selective. 

My reflection period caused me to realize that selectivity enabled me to regain peace; independence of time; pay bills without worrying; and be a present, involved mother to my son. The same thing I was afraid would be a hindrance helped! While I understand why single parents have more doubts; are sometimes reserved in their decision making process; and feel safer settling  I also now understand why it’s so important to fight those feelings and be selective!! It’s intimidating as ever when there’s more than your own life and wellbeing at stake but it has to be done. If we settle we’re actually relinquishing our joy and peace. By settling we’re also indirectly teaching our children that it’s alright to settle. We’re teaching them to live by fear instead of faith. That’s not a lesson I want my child to learn, that’s not what I want him to believe. 

In closing as 2019 ends and 2020 begins I am thankful for 2019 and it’s many lessons; I’m thankful for what I realized were a number of highs. I’m thankful that I learned early in my single parent journey and will continue to mindfully execute selectivity in the future

Cheers to 2020

Still Thankful

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About a month ago I was in an interesting mental and emotional space, my mom noticed it and challenged me to write out a list of all of my blessings(at least the ones I could recounts over the last two years. Once I got started I never actually made it to 2017 and it took up half of my day. As I sat reflecting on my list I was extremely appreciative of her challenge to me. As a single mom it’s so easy to focus on the hurdles of parenting and your situation until you forget to be thankful for your blessings. Since then not only have I been more cognizant of my blessings and acknowledging when I’m thankful and appreciative of others but some things have transpired that I am just thankful for. Check out my latest list of things I’m thankful for:

1) I’m officially comfortable on my own skin. The day before Thanksgiving my son’s daycare hosted it’s annual Pre-Thanksgiving Play and Luncheon. I’m pretty sure I was the only single parent there, and if I wasn’t I was certainly the only person there by myself. The other parents brought the whole family, and knew parents of other children. Now last year this situation would’ve made me so uncomfortable but this year I gave not one care(inserts shrug). I was so cool with it, I recorded his play; sat and ate lunch and even mingled with the other parents. It just felt great to be comfortable in my skin!! Huge accomplishment and blessing!

2)I’m thankful that while I think I’m ready to attempt another relationship I refuse to rush into something just to say I’m with someone! This is another huge blessing for me. In my 20s I would’ve rushed into a relationship or started talking to a million different people just because I “felt ready”. In my 30s I’ve learned that feeling ready and waiting patiently for the right person are totally different things. There are people interested in me but our goals don’t match up so there’s no point in wasting my time. At this stage in my life I want to take my time, not waste my time, and actually listen to and watch people before I hop into anything. Major growth!

3)Rejection! Another thing I’m grateful for lolbs! I had a gentleman tell me he didn’t see us getting married and starting a family. I am SO happy he said that in the “getting to know you phase.” Again I’m dating (at some point) to eventually marry, if you can’t see yourself marrying me because I already have a kid we don’t even need to date. Thank you for not wasting my time. #movingforward

4)Selectivity! I’m a some what new Real Estate agent and well holiday season can be a tad slow. With my son’s birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas approaching I started looking for part time gigs in September. As of Veteran’s Day I still hadn’t found anything. Normally the thought of not having a job and knowing all of that was approaching would’ve caused a sheer panic leading me to take whatever came my way. That wasn’t the case this year. I had set parameters that needed to be met and I wasn’t willing to budge on those boundaries. Instead of panicking and acting out of fear I turned down interviews and offers that didn’t meet my criteria. I took my time, stayed focused, stuck to a strict budget and the week before Thanksgiving was blessed with a job that fits my criteria. The opportunity is perfect and I’m glad I didn’t panic.

5)Cuddle Moments: I confess I was not a huge fan of my son sleeping in my bed even a few months ago. He has a bed, I have a bed, I wanted him to stay in his bed….besides he sleeps wild as the devil. I realized at the beginning of this month that he’s only getting older. Soon he won’t want to sleep with me, or have me around. Once I realized that I began to enjoy our co-sleeping way more. He won’t always be young, and he won’t always be infatuated with his mommy! I’m gonna enjoy this.

ok guys I have to get ready for a quick tour, promise to come back and close this out. There are about 5 more things I’m thankful for.

Untitled and Incomplete.

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A year ago when I became a single mom I knew that it meant all the responsibility for my son now rested on my shoulders but I’m not sure I understood in its entirety what being a single mom meant! Sounds stupid right, especially considering I was raised by a single mom but well it’s true. To a certain extent I had no clue what I was getting into. 

One such way being a single parent unexpectedly affected my life was my career. Prior to the birth of my son I’d been in the fitness industry for 5-7 years. I’d matriculated from Certified Personal Trainer to Personal Training Director, Team Manager, and even full time business owner. Business wasn’t booming as I was about 2 years in but I was certainly picking up steam (adding clients, and pathways to earn revenue)   and I absolutely loved being my own boss. I’d picked up a part time job with a park district to increase my exposure and experiences…things were coming along nicely. Once I found out I was pregnant I began to taper off in order to focus on preparing for my son afterall I only had about 7 weeks to get everything ready; but in true perfectionist form I had an extremely aggressive return to work date. I believe it was 8 weeks tops…..8 weeks that my boss at my part time job FORCED me to take(I taught fitness classes until I was 28weeks pregnant). My baby boy was born in November of 2017 and in my mind I was going back to work in January of 2018. In reality his birth was the beginning of my change. In spite of the fact that I worked out throughout my pregnancy; had a non complicated vaginal birth; only 2 stitches; no PPD; and no real breastfeeding issues I. WAS. EXHAUSTED!!!!! Those 2 months seemed to fly by…..and I dreaded going back to the park district.  I was just honestly too tired, however because I’d decided to give my business a break in efforts to bond with my son and learn my new role as mom I forced my exhausted self to get back to work (back to teaching fitness classes). 

From January 2018 to November 2018 I got up to teach my 5:45 am classes twice a week. Some days I went to class off thirty minutes of sleep; other days I got to class five minutes late because I’d drift off or had to stop to nurse. My level of exhaustion intensified and even now I have no clue why I never cut my loses. I remember the moms in the class telling me “three months is the sweet spot, he’ll decrease night feedings and begin to sleep longer.” I naively waited for his three month birthday and decrease in night wakings but it never happened! As if being mildly irritated that he didn’t decrease on night feedings my son hit the dreaded four month sleep regression AND began teething at the same time. The time of my classes compounded with my sleepless nights was really wearing me down. I thought “once he starts solids(6months) he’ll sleep better at least 4 hours a night.” Well not so much! He started solids and would sleep maybe 3 hours at a time provided he wasn’t in pain from teething. And because his 6 month birthday (May) starts my summer class schedule (4-5 more classes a week) I never actually reaped the benefits of his slightly longer sleep patterns. Did I mention he hit the 6 month sleep regression as well?! By now I know you’re wondering what this has to do with my being a single mom….but stick with me it’ll connect shortly. Fast forward to the end of summer 2018 I realized I was exhausted and burned out from the park district so while keeping that job; I decided to do a soft launch back into my fitness business but with a mild redirect AND pick up a full time job. I didn’t want to quit my part time out of loyalty; I wanted to get back to my business but now change my target population to new(er) moms but with a mouth to feed I couldn’t wait for the slow trickle of income….hence the full time job. Little did I know this was the beginning of the end

In August of 2018 I both started my new business venture launching a survey and newsletter AND I started a full time job. During the interview I told the management company I was a new mom of a young child and that I was the primary care giver. I asked how would my potential absences due to my child be reflected upon and a few other questions that I just don’t remember. I was told “oh well the Property Management will understand and the company is parent friendly.” This was certainly tested about 2 weeks after being hired as my child’a daycare center called me saying he has a fever and was vomiting. Long story short I missed two days on mommy duty. Again in October I was called while at work because my child was was sick, again I had to leave…only this time I didn’t need to miss a day. I did come to work late or leave early due to doctor’s appointments. Again in December I missed two days due to an ear infection. What I am not reflecting is I always made up my work, worked from home on days that I was absent; and always took the proper protocol to report an absence. 

After four months apparently it was decided my being a mom and having to take care of my child on demand was an issue. I couldn’t be fired because my job performance wasn’t the issue, but the Property Management team decided to make my life a living hell until I quit. 

Ultimately in April of 2019 I decided it was time to let go. I was at peace with my decision; I had a plan that was ready in action; and after making that decision I no longer felt stressed. There was a gigantic sense of relief. 

I learned two lessons: one, irregardless of what employers say most of them are NOT family friendly. My experience showed me that most companies are so out of touch with what it takes to be a parent these days and they’re practices reflect that. What is any parent of an infant, toddler,  or preschooler to do with 10 PTO days? PTO included both sick and vacation days, it’s not practical for any two parent household; I don’t have an adjective for what it is to any single parent household. Secondly, through this experience I learned being a single mom meant more than just “having the financial responsibilities and decision making burden on my shoulders”, it meant being the ONLY person my son had to rely on. That entailed: sick duty; pick ups and drip offs: advocating on his behalf; and etc. For some reason my career in fitness was one thing I didnt think would change when I became a mother and yet it was one of the main things that needed to change in order to give my son a better life. 

As a single parent what I needed was a job that understood my role as a parent; a job that gave me both the time freedom that I needed as well as the ability to maximize my earnings while working. It was then that I learned a high percentage of moms are independent contractors. I laughed when I read this stat because well my next career path was as a Real Estate agent. 

Baby Shark

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This is NOT an ad lol! However, the live show is where all of the reflecting you’re about to read about took place, so it was only fitting to entitle this blog “Baby Shark.”

To kick off my son’s birthday celebration we went to see Baby Shark Live. The show was actually good. As I sat there singing along and enjoying the fact that my son was happy to be there I began to reminisce. It was just a year ago that we kicked off his birthday celebration with Sesame Street Live. At that time all of the drama that forced me to become a single parent had just happened like all of 2 days before the show, sitting there in a family environment where I saw other “complete” families (both parents) enjoying family time with their children was a complete gut punch. Being there with my married friend and her two children(thank God her husband wasn’t with us) was indeed a second gut punch. Pulling out of the gathering wasn’t an option as one it was my idea to take the children; and two my son LOVES Sesame Street. My only choice was to sit there in agony, stone faced, and emotionless so that my son could enjoy the show and not catch on that something was wrong with his mom. This was the first of several family outings that caused me indescribable pain.

Baby Shark and Mommy Shark…appropriate picture right?

Baby Shark was different on many levels, for starters it was the first outing with only my son and myself and where I didn’t feel like a failure or want to cry because I was around other families. Earlier this summer I blogged about having accepted what my complete family looked like; so I was keenly aware that as long as my mom was with my son and I my idea of what my family looked liked was clear and acceptable. I honestly wasn’t too sure nor did I put any thought into how I would feel in a family environment with just the two of us. I was ecstatic that I felt so comfortable with “the single mom family picture” as well. Being able to accept, and enjoy where, what, and who you are is an amazing feeling AND a huge accomplishment.

Secondly, Baby Shark was different because I didn’t feel alone. Sure I wasn’t actually alone but single parents you know what I mean. I was able to interact with other parents and enjoy their company and the company of their children. There were absolutely no feelings of envy, failure, anger or regret. I was able to be in the moment with my son and enjoy the show from his vantage point. Hell for that matter I was able to enjoy it period.

Third and most important I realized that in the last year my son has not missed a beat!! When I was forced to become a single parent one of the things that scared me the most was my potential inability to give my son the childhood I wanted him to have. Y’all Baby Shark wasn’t cheap and yet we were there…with good seats might I add. My child has been to 80% of the events I wanted him to attend; he’s in swim classes; he has toys and books galore doesn’t need anything clothing wise….like he’s in a good spot materially and experience speaking; but more important than that his level of sheer joy has not wavered!!! He is as happy, and loving as he was when all of this first went down. Now that he’s talking he’s even more loving, compassionate, and funny. A year ago my main concern was that his world (Joy and peace) remained the same and watching him at Baby Shark gave me confirmation that it had. Nothing made me happier.

In closing the last year if my life has been extremely hard. Accepting who I was forced to become; the depth of the responsibilities I bore; adapting and changing my life on the fly; loving my new identity…..finding my new identity; letting go of the past; mentally and emotionally healing none of this has been easy BUT it’s been worth it. A year ago one year seemed like an extremely long time to still be finding and learning to accept myself but now I understand that it takes time. Progress takes time, healing takes time…this is by no means an overnight process. Whoever you are if you’re reading this and you feel broken and feel as if you have no clue how you will make it through the next day hold your head up and keep pushing!!! It doesn’t happen over night but you eventually cry less; at some point you begin to notice there is some progress, some movement…. don’t focus on a long outlook. Take it one day at a time and don’t worry about set backs, they happen it you will move forward. You will heal!!!

The Power of An Apology

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During today’s session with my therapist she did something that I never expected and well my reaction to her unexpected action was also unexpected. We’ll get there in due time as it’s important to give a little background for today’s session and occurrences

A little over a year ago when I began seeing my therapist I wasn’t necessarily closed minded to the idea of therapy but I certainly had restrictions on what I was willing to talk about; and I was very strict in the timeframe I thought things should be done. Restrictions: we will only talk about what brought me here AKA everything that transpired within the last month(October 2018), I DO NOT wanna talk about the 18 years my ex and I invested into one another before my child was born. My timeframe: if you can heal me within 6-8 weeks that’d be great!! I quickly learned my timeline was unrealistic but my therapist being good at her job never pushed for the 18 year history between my ex and I. She went where I allowed, pushed as much as possible in those spaces, but always respected my boundaries and never traversed into my “off limit zone”. A year later after she and I were extremely comfortable with one another and after she felt I’d made a decent amount of progress she asked if we could talk about just the year leading into my pregnancy. She said  although we’d made loads of progress she felt we might be able to make more if I would open up to talking about the pregnancy. I didn’t really want to do that especially since I felt like I was in a really good space but decided if it could enhance my healing why not. 

Over the last month or so we’ve been revisiting my pregnancy: the great times my ex and I had together (before learning I was pregnant); his schizophrenic change up after finding out I was pregnant; the broken promises; missed events; missed birth and my feelings about all of it. I have to admit speaking about the good times made me miss him and remember how much I love him. It made me think I was crazy to still love someone who switched up but it’s hard to rid yourself of 18 years of memories and experiences in just two years. I was suddenly crying all the time, every strong emotion made me cry. Then we got to the dark spots and while discussing those points didn’t make me hate him; didnt make me feel stupid; and didnt depress me it brought about other strong feelings: Some times pain,; some times wondering how I didn’t see this coming; and honestly some times peace because the peace reminded me that I made the right decision in putting all of this behind me and moving forward. 

Throughout this process I could see my therapist empathizing with me, feeling my pain and understanding the weight of carrying this issue however, today was very different. Today I discussed in detail my son’s birth, and the few days afterwards and I could see her holding back tears…then…it happened. Once I was done talking my therapist apologized!!! I was so taken aback that I couldn’t even say thank you. She apologized!!! How crazy is that?!?! My ex hasn’t even apologized for his inability and unwillingness to connect with us; for not prioritizing us; and for the “lie” that separated us for good. Honestly when all the drama kicked off he told me he had nothing to apologize for so imagine how I felt having had someone FINALLY apologize to me about this….hell all of it. Imagine how it felt to have someone actually understand my pain, understand why I felt there was nothing more for me to do; and understand how broken I was by his (in)actions. 

I didn’t know how to feel, I’m honestly still processing it. My emotions range from relief: to shock; to freedom; to finality….so much. In my quest to move forward I’d resigned to forgive him in spite of his ability to apologize so I never expected one…..and certainly not from her. Even though she isn’t the person that inflicted the pain her apology unleashed a new level of healing….again something else I’m attempting to process. I don’t know what this new wave of healing means, I have no idea what will become of it but it’s clearly something I didn’t know I needed and for that I thank her. 

And Now We Celebrate

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As I stated in the previous blog, I was over it. Over arguing with someone I wasn’t with, over arguing with someone who continuously showed he didn’t want to co-parent, over overextending myself to make sure he understood he was wanted and needed as a parent…just over it!! I was driving myself nuts trying to make the best of this situation for my son and not realizing that I wasn’t my best self for him because I was allowing my emotional boundaries to be overstepped. I remember walking into my therapist’s office and proclaiming “IM DONE!!!” She didn’t even ask with what, she said finally!!! Then she told me she was glad I finally learned I couldn’t make my son’s father want to be there AND I had no reason to feel guilty. That was an extremely freeing moment!! We’re celebrating that lol! I finally figured out his absence wasn’t my fault, I did everything I could. I wasn’t shutting the door on my son’s ability to have a relationship with him because there was no relationship to be had. Once I let go of that guilt I actually cut him completely off. The conversations we were having weren’t helping my son, they weren’t helping me so why was I still allowing them? Yup, done. Cut him right off….talk about peace.

You know what else we’re celebrating? We’re celebrating the fact that I am finally happy with my family as is. Yes, it took some time; I mourned what I lost, my possible future with this man; I mourned the loss of my ideal family; I mourned my child not having a father but then..I became content(I actually blogged about it this sometime this summer). Instead of focusing on what I lost I decided to focus on what I had…which is a mom who LOVES spending time with her grandson, and loves helping out. I had cousins who love him and don’t mind the fact that he’s always with me; I had my sister and best friends who were there for whatever my son and I needed. Realizing that I had just as much if not more than what I lost gave me a new found hope and thus was and is worth celebrating.

I switched careers and am handling ALL of the financial responsibilities for my son on my own. I’m not so much basking in the fact that I have to handle all the financial responsibility for my son on my own( that’s something I forgive my son’s father for daily in order to keep from being pissed) but I’m basking in the fact that I had the ABILITY to switch to a career that was more parent friendly, and in switching careers I am able to handle everything I need to. Now I could write an entire blog about hits point alone but I’ll try not to(today anyway). Like so many single parents I thought about going for child support. I even filled out the application but I never pursued it beyond that. At the end of the day I don’t want him to think he has rights to my child because he sends a check. Just wasn’t what I wanted to do. Even though I decided not to pursue child support I still felt bad and even angry on a monthly basis….specifically if I was paying daycare tuition or if something popped up unexpectedly that my child needed. I remember getting so pissed off and cussing him as I struggled to figure out how to maneuver the money I had. One day I was having a conversation with one of my married friends and daycare tuition came up and she spoke about how her and her husband didn’t want to have more children because the cost of daycare was too much….how paying for one child was a balancing act for them. Now I wasn’t happy that they found themselves balancing money BUT hearing that made me feel good to know that even with a co-parent I still would’ve dealt with the same issues. So I’m celebrating!!! I’m overcame my anger, and frustrations around this part of single parenting and found a way to get it done!

You know what else we’re celebrating? We’re celebrating that my child hasn’t missed a beat!! My child has so many great experiences, he’s so happy and I was honest afraid he’d miss that. He has done so much in his almost two years of life. He’s gone to sporting events both pro and collegiate; he’s been to amusement parks; live shows; concerts; museums; zoos…all the kid hotspots lol! He seriously hasn’t missed a beat. The only reason we haven’t gone out of town yet is because I switched jobs…..and daycare tuition could care less that I was between careers Lolbvvs! So many toddlers only have material things: clothes, shoes, toys. It meant to much to me to give him experiences and I admit I was afraid that would decrease or not happen at all once his father left us.

We’re going to celebrate the fact that my stalker popped up at my house( and yes my son’s father knew this was an issue way before my son was conceived) and I was able to secure protection for my son and I by myself. Scary as hell, but guess what it needed to be done so I got it done. The last time I got an Order of Protection against this stalker my son’s father was with me every step of the way, it was so different going to the police stations and court dates by myself. I won’t lie, even getting my weapon and going to the classes was tough and intimidating but at the end of the day my son needed protecting and I wasn’t going to let him down. I’m proud of myself for the courage it took to do it alone.

I’m celebrating the fact that this same stalker decide to release via social media some extra old ( dry close to 10 years) videos of he and I being intimate…and Instead of cowering down and looking for someone to hold me down and remind me of who I am, and help me protect my son I held my head up and endured the situation alone. Now please believe me it was t easy. I was already emotionally battered and warn from the single parent situation, I was insecure about being a single parent and trying to find my identity as a single parent so that was not something I had room on my emotional plate for. In fact I had no tolerance whatsoever for this, but I had to find the strength to push through this as well. Thank God for His strength and again my core group of friends. Not sure how else I would’ve made it through that ordeal.

Stalker nonsense aside, I am also celebrating the fact that men still find me desirable. Yes, I won’t lie once my son’s father left I temporarily gave up on marriage. I thought no one could or would ever want me because I was now damaged goods. I figured no man would want to be bothered with the perceived drama of dealing with another man. I’m sure hare reading this and wondering wth is wrong with me, but remember this guy was my first love, we planned on getting married…and this thought was planted in my head since high school. In my mind when he left he took that possibility with him. I was so broken. I am thankful because one I didn’t hop into anything right after this went down….so no rebound dude issues (a previous break up with my son’s father is how I got the stalker in the beginning) that was growth. But also, at the right time God sent men along to remind me that I was still beautiful, and intelligent, still had a good head on my shoulders…and that have a child didn’t make me less desirable BUT them seeing how I was with my child made me MORE desirable. Now those potential relationships didn’t work out but I don’t feel as if they were meant to work. I feel like those dudes were sent to show me that at the appropriate time God will send the man who will love me the way Christ loves the church, He’ll send someone who will be happy with me and treat my son as if he has his DNA. That restoration of confidence is worth celebrating.

What I am most proud of myself for, what I celebrate the most is no matter how depressed I was, how down I felt, no matter how insecure I might’ve been, no matter how angry I was on the inside….my countenance remained the same. I was dying inside but laughing outside. I was dying inside but sharing, and still compassionate with others. I was doubting if I was worth marrying and would ever get married BUT able to celebrate with my girls when they got engaged! Not once did I get stingy and decide not to give to others, or decide to forgo celebrating with others. I did the opposite and gave with no grudges. I celebrated as if it were my own feat. It is this stability, this outward stability that I celebrate most. I still don’t know why I went through this. I have no clue why after 19 years my best friend, first love, and father of my child decided that he was better off doing life without my son and I but he did. I still can’t answer why we were looking for houses and talking about marriage one month and the next month he told his mother “ we took a DNA test and our son wasn’t his”. I don’t even look for answers anymore or try to understand it all. What I do know is I did my part. God told me to apologize, forgive, and seek therapy and in turn He gave me peace…not answers but peace. I am so happy and at peace with my life and the direction it’s going in. Yes, every blue moon I get down about something but I look at my son and reflect on God’s grace and know that everything will work itself out. In closing it’s my single mom-aversary and I AM celebrating!!! I am celebrating peace, joy, overcoming, and most importantly finding myself deeper in God! I’m an overcomes! I survived what tried to take me out!!! It’s a celebration MITCHES!!

It’s My Anniversary…But Before We Celebrate

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Today officially marks my one year anniversary as a single parent. Not quite sure this is something to celebrate but it is what it is…and I’m marking this occasion because I’m proud of myself for overcoming (more on that later). To give you all some background a year ago yesterday I sent my son’s paternal grandmother and e-vite for his upcoming baptism. She didn’t respond on that but on Wednesday….my how the shit hit the fan. So I’m at work and around noon I receive a Facebook message from her stating “her son says we took a DNA test and the baby isn’t his.” Um what?!?!? Like an idiot I responded to her message and told her that he signed the birth certificate, I’d send her a screenshot of it when I got home…because she needed to know I’m no liar then told her I wasn’t trying to force any interaction. However seeing as how my son shares their last name I thought it would be cool to have both sides of my son’s family present at his baptism. I felt so sick. I absolutely couldn’t believe I was going through this, I couldn’t believe she sent me that message. This was the beginning of a slow and painful emotional death-unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. So I called him…..and of course he didn’t answer so I went off via voicemail. I told him what happened and how his mother told me he told her our son wasn’t his….and hurled a million insults ranging from “he’s dead to me; to how could you do this to us; to you’re a deadbeat ass father; lying piece of shit” and honestly those are just the insults I remember hurling at him via voicemail. Then he called back…

By that time I was no longer on my lunch break and couldn’t respond to him, but I’ll tell you this he didn’t leave a voicemail, didn’t texts, nor did he call my work phone. In my distraught mind he didn’t try to contact me more than once because everything she said was true. Before I take a deep dive into our phone call later that night and his lack of an explanation I know you’re wondering what made me believe her? Why was her story so believable before I even talked to him…..

It’s simple, her story was believable because it matched his (in)actions. When I first told him I was pregnant he was not happy. One, because we found out so late(31 weeks and 1 day when I found out), and as he said “there’s nothing we can do about it now” (ie…it’s too late for an abortion). I specifically asked him that night “are you going to be apart of our son’s life or will I be doing this on my own?” He told me he didn’t like the circumstances, we weren’t ready but he was going to be right there every step of the way. Even though he was visibly shook I still believed him. He came to exactly ONE of my prenatal appointments in spite of the fact that I allowed him to pick the days (he knew what days were free on his schedule so he knew if he could make it or not). Next, he skipped the maternity shoot. I’m a first time mom, and yes I’m scared out of my mind about having 6-8 weeks to prepare for a WHOLE BABY but the maternity shoot was one thing that sort of calmed me down. He already had a child, a daughter and I was bringing his first son into the world, I figured he’d want to be there for the shoot but um no. Baby shower!! Another stressful event…more planning….more stress and headaches but once the day came it was really fun and I was humbled to be around people who loved me enough to buy my baby gifts….and who were genuinely happy to see me pregnant. I knew his parents weren’t coming because supposedly they were going to be out of town that weekend but none of his family came…..no brothers…no cousins…..not even him. He supposedly took off work then “got called in at the last minute because someone got hurt”. Technically he took the joy out of the baby shower, I sat there trying to fake happy but really pissed because at the last minute he told me he couldn’t come…to our baby shower…..OUR shower…..everything had both our names on it. Yup, let that marinate for a moment.

He missed our son’s birth….(yes, let that marinate as well). He came to the hospital before I had him but since he started a new job that day and orientation was at 10am he left for orientation. Realistically since he kept up with the progress of everything I figured he was coming back after orientation was over, however I was wrong!!! He missed the birth; he did come early the next morning to sign the birth certificate and yes he left about 1pm to pick up his daughter from school. Before you ask no he didn’t bring her back to meet her brother; yes I was a fool and thought he would. My son and I went home the next day and he didn’t come visit. Actually my son was 10 days old before he saw his father again….work schedule….it was mandatory overtime at Amazon because you know…holiday season. Did I mention my son was 10 days old on Thanksgiving? Yup..and no he didn’t invite us to have dinner with his family; he didn’t bring them over to see the baby when he came; he didn’t take pictures of him in his little my first thanksgiving outfit…nothing. He stayed maybe 90 minutes so I couldn’t complain that he didn’t come over then left for work. My son is almost 2 and he’s not once been with us to a doctor’s appointment…not his very first appointment, and not his circumcision. Didn’t call to check on him that day…guys this is only the first month of life. I’m totally sure you understand why his mom’s statement was so believable. I don’t need to continue running down the list of “donts, didnts, and missed events.

Now that you understand why I believed her and called him going off let’s get back to the story at hand. He and I finally talked that night and he told me that he doesn’t know why she said that. He never told her that and he hadn’t talked to her yet to find out why she said that to me. However, he had a serious attitude about the things I said to him, he didn’t appreciate me jumping to conclusions as he put it without talking to him first, and my personal favorite his feelings were hurt because I told him he was dead to me. I didn’t care that he was hurt I wanted him to feel the same pain I felt. And I told him I’d apologize for my words if he apologized for her actions and checked her. A year later and he still refuses to apologize for the lie that was told because in his illustrious words “ he didn’t say that.”

I went to bed pissed off, hurt, infuriated, crushed, emotionally drained….and with nothing resolved. I made myself sleep because I had to work in the morning. No matter how much I wanted to call off and stay at home in a shell I couldn’t. I woke up the next morning and got ready for work, kissed my baby on the way out, got in my car and called his father. He picked up, told me he’d talked to his mother and she was confused. Bruh, confused about what? I’m not some random chick you met . We’ve been dating on and off since we were 14 what do you mean she was confused?!?! I never really got an answer for that, but it pissed me off even more. Confused I asked, how so? Are you messing around with someone else who is or was supposedly pregnant? Was the ex that popped up at your house a few months prior to all of this pregnant? Had she (whoever she was) already gave birth? Is that what that incident was about and you didn’t wanna tell me? I never got answers, only more reason to be pissed. The silence allowed me to think what I wanted to and fill in the blanks how I saw fit. That did nothing more than piss me off!! I thought men fought for the women they loved? I thought men at least tried to lie to you, but you’re just silent and when you do speak you’re talking about how hurt you are?!?! Hmmm no,this is not about how hurt you are. Your hurt doesn’t matter. At this point I was screaming at him so badly until I just hung the phone up. There was nothing more I could say. I went to work, acted like nothin happened, held it together but cried like a baby as soon as I clocked out.

I went home to do what I should’ve done the previous day…..pray. Just pray and turn all my grief, frustration, anger and fear over to God. Once I really prayed I felt better but ai didn’t feel better (not sure if that makes sense to anyone). God told me that He’d be with me and guide me through this but I had to do some things: I needed to apologize to my child’s father…..I couldn’t expect him to apologize to me if I was unwilling to do the same. Secondly, I was to forgive my child’s father and pray for him….(nowhere near easy, and may have been the hardest thing He asked me to do, and finally I was to seek counseling. 

When you’re at such a terrible place in your life and you pray to God for answers, don’t get answers(even to this date I have no clue why I had to go through this) but instead He gives you actions to take toward your own healing….you just have to do it. Irregardless of how I felt I called him Friday morning and apologized for call him him a deadbeat and saying he was dead to me. I meant the apology for as much as I could at the time. No, he has NEVER apologized to me and one hear later I am ok with this. Forgiveness…..(takes deep breath) yes in the same voicemail I left apologizing I also told him that as forgive him. That’s….well….really difficult. It’s not something you can say once and it be done. Forgiving him for what he did is a DAILY decision and it’s never easy. At some point I had to forgive his mother as well, you may not think I should’ve been pissed with her in the beginning but I was and that’s not something aim going to explain. Therapy, well that was for me. It’s too ensure that I’m not passively transferring any ill feelings to my son; it’s to make sure I’m not afraid to love again; and it’s to help me navigate filling that void-after all this was a 19 year relationship that was abruptly done. 

I sought after and found a therapist my insurance would cover…and allowed the healing to begin. Now if you know me you know in my mind therapy and healing was going to be quick… couldn’t take more than 8 weeks right?!? Wrong!!!! While I’m at peace with my life, and in a much better place emotionally and mentally I am still seeing my therapist….but let’s work our way up to that.

In the last voicemail I left my son’s father( 2 days before baptism) I told him that I still  wanted him to be apart of our child’s life…I wasn’t looking for a relationship or even friendship out of him but our son needed him and as long as the conversation was about our son I’d be professional. I later found out even my extending to be professional just wasn’t going to work…but we’ll get there too.

He missed the baptism, and a month later missed our son’s first birthday party. In a conversation we had later he told me that he didn’t remember the details since I’d deleted the invites out of his calendar. This was not a good defense as his mother had e-vites for BOTH events. He face timed the day before and on our son’s birthday and we argued about that. Obviously I knew he wasn’t going to spend time with our son for Thanksgiving but we managed to work something out for Christmas. He was going to give me money to help purchase presents( notice that’s the first time I mentioned he gave money for something) and he’d come over on Christmas Eve to watch our son open presents. Hmmmm, good thing I went with my gut and didn’t keep our son up to wait for him because he never showed. When I texted days later and asked what happened he responded “ he had to work late” and texting me to inform me of that never crossed his mind. 

We argued on New Years; we argued in January when he FaceTimed my son; we argued in February via text….totally my fault. I’m not sure why I tried treating him as an equal co parent when I switched daycare providers for my son. The pattern was anytime he called, texted, or face timed we argued. Guys, this was so exhausting. Even my therapist asked why I continued the pattern with him when he wasn’t doing anything on a consistent basis. My response without hesitation was always “ I told him we’d co parent” so I have to deal with this for my son. One day in May after having yet another argument about only God knows what(for some reason I called him about the baby having an allergic reaction and to let him know what was going on) I was done. OVER IT!!!! 

ENTER PEACE, TRIUMPH AND CELEBRATION!!!

The Saga Concludes….

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Two weeks later and we’re done day training. Honestly we finished day training a little over a week ago. It took us 7 days to get the basics down. I am extremely proud of my little man AND myself because potty training is no easy task!!! While I titled this blog “The Saga Concludes” it’s really not over….well it is but it isn’t as I’m still nap and night time training.

Night time training is a tad more challenging for us for several reasons: hens younger so his bladder control may or may not be fully developed; we both hate being awaken from our sleep; and he is NOT feeling the last call for milk two hours before bedtime lolbvvs! As it stands we wake up twice a night to pee. He absolutely hates these wake up times. He’s cranky, doesn’t want to get up, fights to stay asleep, and sometimes doesn’t pee out of rebellion. It is on these nights that we usually have an accident. Our nights are usually dry if he pees during both night wakings. Dry nights keep me encouraged. We also have dry nap times at home……daycare is another story.

Speaking of daycare, the morning leading into daycare I woke up hysterical. I legit had 101 reasons why my son shouldn’t return to daycare newly potty trained(remember we started this journey during his daycare break) and a list of things that could go wrong. I couldn’t get back to sleep after waking up panicking so I decided to pack his little book bag. I sent him with 3 changes of clothes, 3 pairs of training underwear (only to be used at nap time) and of course a bag for all his dirty clothes. At that point I told my self to pull it together because he had to go! Oh, I also got him the potty watch to help him remember to go pee while playing. Um, it wasn’t one of the nightmares played out in my mind but it was pretty either. Turns out his daycare teacher isn’t used to potty trained not quite 2 year olds. She didn’t show him where the potty was, didn’t watch for his signals, didn’t bring the potty closer to him…..just didn’t . After talking with the daycare owner we decided to move him to the preschool section of the daycare as that instructor not only knows how to deal with potty trained toddlers but she trains them too! Once the move was made he went down to no accidents at daycare! Go mommy’s big boy!! Our accidents occurred in strange situations……aka places he wasn’t used to pottying in. Once I noticed that I got him a travel potty all was right with the world again.

Now I don’t want you to read this and think once he learned the skills everything has been smooth like skippy because that is not the case. We are currently in the “pee pee rebellion”. This last weekend he reverted back to 1-2 accidents a day but that cleared up once we got to daycare on Monday. I’m not particularly sure why he rebelled but I’m hoping he”s done with said rebellion.

In closing this series isn’t to brag on having a potty trained child, or to gloat about how much I’m saving it’s to let you know that you have support! The blog series serves to let you know this shit ain’t easy(by no stretch of the imagination), it’s to let you know my struggles, to allow you to laugh at my bloopers and to realize you’re not alone on the island of potty training. It’s to push you to stick this out and finish the job because both you and your little person are worth it. Good luck mama!!!

The Potty Training Saga Continues

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The last day I blogged about my adventures with this whole potty training thing was on Day 2 when I was at wits end and ready to quit. Self preservation….kid preservation….sanity lol! Ok, so I obtained and listened to the audible of Oh Crap Potty Training that night. Someone needed to talk me off the ledge and this book did the trick. Ever binge listened to anything lol? That was me, Tuesday night I was committed to finishing this 8.5 hr book…and I did too! I got a quick nap before I was set to start Wednesday with the kid, I game planned with my mom, I closed off my calendar for the next few days….it was my will versus his will and dang it I wasn’t about to lose. The kid is ready and I know it!!!Day 3………I treated it as Day 1(sorta) implementing all my new techniques from Oh Crap Potty Training. Let’s do this! I have to be very honest Day 3 was t bad at all. We had more makes then misses, the misses he did have we knew it was more behavioral than cluelessness and realistically one good accident that we totally jumped down his throat about and even that straightened up. Day 3 was SSSOOOOO good I even put a pair of shorts on him and let him go commando with me on a Target drive up run. Well, my baby, pardon me my big boy stayed dry. Now let’s have a moment of honesty, he did have an accident on the way out the door but it was my fault. I put him in the potty as we were preparing to leave but he didn’t go. Because of this I was putting some receiving blankets in the car seat for extra “dryness” and my mom was watching him as I’m finishing up in the truck I hear him screaming…..yup, you guessed it that was when he pottied. I got him cleaned up switched shirts and out the door we went. Between Target and Starbucks we were gone about thirty minutes and he stayed dry(inserts fist pump)!!!

We got home and it was bedtime, because the day was going so well and Jamie said to day and night train simultaneously we went to bed with no diaper. Yup, you read that right we ended day 3 with no diaper. I prepped for this as much as possible, receiving blankets under the fitted sheet; cut off liquids 2 hours before bed; pulled out all his 2 piece pjs for reinforcements; fleece blanketed for wet spots; had my alarm set for 11p and 2a and we went for it. I out him on the potty right before bed but he refused to stay on and certainly didn’t go therefore I expected an accident. He woke up wet just before the 11pm alarm. There was no point in being upset because this was almost guaranteed…besides it was our first time night training. The kid went back to sleep around 1am(no I was NOT happy about that) especially not with another night time check at 2am but what can you do. He woke up at 2am, wasn’t wet, we went back to sleep and all was right with the world. Day 3 potty training went pretty well, as did night 1 of training. Because of this I was certain Day 4 would be a mess!!!

Day 4, honestly it hasn’t been too bad. I was convinced I’d be met with sheer stubbornness but surprisingly he wasn’t as bad as I thought he’d be. Today I decided he’d go half naked half commando with the kid. We have had more makes than misses but the misses have been in his shorts. The good news is he doesn’t like being wet….so it makes him attempt to get to the potty. Big deal: he pooped twice IN the potty!!!! I was so excited to not have to clean up shit….and he was excited to see “what came out of him.” We took another very short trip with him commando, this time to UPS and he managed to stay dry. I don’t wanna set myself up for failure by thinking we”re on the road to being fully potty trained but damn it “we’re on the way to being fully potty trained!!!” Now in reality I can’t get too excited, we’re going to take another trip shortly and that one won’t be short time wise. It’s close to the house but we’re gonna be gone awhile so um…I guess we’re moving into the “different situations block”. It exactly tryna move there until Sunday but uh one night can’t hurt.

All in all I was talked off the proverbial ledge and my kid is making nice strides. This mama needs to celebrate….I think I’ll have a cookie.