Tag Archives: Single parent

Quick Tips For Work From Home Moms

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COVID-19 has sent the Nation into a frenzy; rightfully so a lot of States are closing businesses and schools in efforts to slow the spread of the virus. This means a lot of moms will brave an unknown circumstance- working from home. While most people love the idea of working from home few actually want to when there are children involved. Perhaps it’s because of fear of lack of productivity, or maybe the adult interaction. At any rate for the next couple of weeks working from home will be a reality. I’m no expert but I do work from home everyday, and my son stays home with me twice a week(work week). It’s been an interesting seven months working from home BUT these tips have helped me and I believe they’ll help you too!!

1)Make a Schedule: For both you and your child(ren). It’s crucial to set a start and end time for your work day. You don’t want to work all day, but at the same time you need to work enough hours to ensure productivity. Honestly, even when I worked in office settings I never needed the full day to completer assignments. Because of this I tend to work shorter days now that I’m able to work from home.

As for your children they’re used to schedules from daycare or school and will crave the routine. Routines enable children to feel as though they’re in control; and anticipate what’s coming next. While your routine won’t be the same as the one they have at school be sure they have a routine for the duration of their home schooling (or at least your WFH days). If you know you have a conference call at a certain time try to schedule an independent activity for them to complete while you’re on the call. Or if you can schedule conference calls during nap time.

2)Set Deadlines: Deadlines are your friends! They will hold you accountable and determine the pace of your day. You know if you’re working ahead of time or if you need to play catch up. Now unlike being at work if a deadline involves your coworkers be sure they know the deadline. Set several Google Calendar reminders for both you and them, this will ensure everyone meets the deadline.

If you have older children and their education is being transferred to an online curriculum remember that comes with a certain amount of responsibility that they may be uncertain of. Write down their deadlines too have teach them how to use an online calendar and reminder system. If you don’t want them to have an online calendar system teach them about planners and writing down and keeping all deadlines. I find children/youth need a tad more direction with deadlines so help them make daily steps that will enable them to reach deadlines. For example if they have an essay due in one week write the due date on their calendar. Secondly, seven days out from the due date have them write they will brainstorm; six days out from due date have them find sources; five days out maybe a rough draft of the essay. This method keeps the assignment in the forefront as well as ensures it will be turned in on time.

3)Set Expectations: Don;t work aimlessly!! Work towards something, even if it’s a proposal for why you should be allowed to work from home a certain amount of days each week after returning to work.

Expectations for the children gives them something to work towards as well. For example my toddler thinks he can watch television all day if he stays home with me and well that’s not the case. His expectations are: to keep his play area clean; to work on one letter of the alphabet that day; to take a nap (lolbvvs); to work on his colors; body parts; and then maybe watch television. Of course the expectations change day to day and for you the expectations for your children should change according to their age. Be sure to keep the expectations for your child realistic. Also please don’t feel ashamed if you need to stick the kids in front of the television or ipad some days in order to get things done. I recently had to resort to that to handle an unexpected problem. It doesn’t make you a bad mom.

4)Take Hourly Breaks: No matter your surrounding work gets monotonous. Set your phone timer to take hourly breaks. This breaks will keep you rejuvenated and keep your blood flowing. During your breaks feel free to of course check on the kids but also to stretch, do a few body weight exercises; respond to missed texts and emails; and change your surroundings. Also be mindful to set another alarm to remind you to get back to work:)

5)Minimize Controlled Distractions: Unfortunately your children don’t count lol!!! Controlled distractions are your television; music; phone; and social media. If you focus on your work while you’re working and leave those things until your next break you’re certain to be productive AND more than likely you’ll finish working early for the day!!

In closing working from home isn’t perfect no matter how much you plan and schedule. The aforementioned steps just make things a tad easier. Always remember your schedule is an outline or guide; as with anything else with kids always expect the unexpected because well kids. Be as productive as possible; be patient; be proactive! It will be alright!! For more tips and tricks visit my blog home page…there’s quite a few things there.

How To Entertain Your Child Without Adding More TV Time

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I’m a work from home mom so “how to keep my son entertained” is always at the forefront. I often book/plan home showings and arrange my schedule for the day; as well as communicate with clients throughout the day while he’s home. Yes, I prefer to do all of that during nap time but oftentimes that’s not the case.There are also days where I am willing to endure two hours of Sesame Street; Paw Patrol or The Incredibles 2 two consecutive times just to get something done…..it totally happens; however working from home with a toddler/preschooler/young elementary school student can certainly be done. And more importantly can be done without increasing your child(ren’s) television time. Here are a few suggestions to help you through the next few weeks of being at home with your child:

1)Play Outside: While going to the park may or may not be a good idea your yard is not off limits. My son has quite a few toys that we can move outside such as a lawnmower; a trampoline; a basketball rim; a baseball set; a barbeque grill (let’s just say I’m well prepared for summer lol); and a wagon to name a few. We can totally set up some of his toys outside and allow him to play and run off some of his energy. If you don’t have any toys don’t panic; instead revert to old school games like “Tag” “Freeze” or “Johnny Come Across”. If you have smaller children you can always play “Simon Says” or create an Obstacle Course or Scavenger Hunt. If you have multiple children create sort of a “House Cup” challenge r your own March Madness tournament(clearly I’m watching Harry Potter and missing March Madness lolnvvs). Be creative and have fun!

2)Virtual Story Time/Music Class: There are so many children’s playrooms and such that are closing to the public but that are choosing to host virtual classes. It’s actually a smart idea. Go to your child’s favorite provider’s website or social media page and see if they’re hosting any online classes.

3)Arts and Crafts: Three words Pinterest and The Dollar Store!!! I’m not the least bit artistic in this manner but Pinterest rescues me every time. They have loads of projects you can do with your little person. One of the things I love about Pinterest is you find out as you read through the comments what works best; how messy the project was; etc. Once you’ve selected your project(s) visit your local Dollar Store and grab your items (if they’re not already in your house). As I remind myself when my son is busy with arts and crafts, be patient and smile through it…cuss while cleaning up 🙂

4)Garden: I have no clue where you live but if it’s nice enough plant a garden. If you have young children it’ll be really cool to plant things and teach them the life cycle of plants and flowers. If you have somewhat older children, maybe preschool and older you can allow them to journal or vlog about the daily or weekly progress of the plant and what if anything was done to it that day. Talk about science in action!

5)Sew: Sewing works on eye hand coordination; teaches focus and goal setting; and working to meet deadlines. I find whatever you;re working on be it a potholder; over mitt; or crochet rug really sparks your creativity and allows those creative juices to flow.

6)Flashcards: Amazon, The Dollar Store, or dare I say it homemade ones!!! Flashcards are a good way for your children to review or to learn new things. Flashcards are good for any age and you can use them with any subjects from shapes and colors to ACT/SAT prep and beyond. Flashcards are becoming such a popular thing that there are now apps on our smart devices for them. Various educational websites are beginning to have flashcards as well. You can now print them off with worksheets.

7)Poetry Set: This one can be really fun with multiple kids but it also may require some teaching. Set a time, set the lights and some music (if you wish) and let each child read a poem or two of their own writing. If it’s difficult for them to write a poem allow them to research a poem or two and read those. The people you live with can be the audience and you guys can cheer one another on. This also leads me to my next point….

8)Talent Show: Much like the Talent Show your loved ones can be the participants and the audience. Allow everyone to perform whatever they want: a dance; skit; model; sing; play an instrument; whatever cool talent they have. Don’t necessarily have judges…just give participation awards: maybe a snack or certificate or something.

9)Cook: My toddler and I frequently cook together. This allows him to work on motor skills; measurements; concentration; focusing; following instructions; and it’s therapeutic for me while allowing me to spend time with him. I honestly think we bake more together than anything. Find a recipe; take pictures; bake and enjoy your food. Cooking and baking teaches so many life lessons at once.

10) Workout together: My son and I frequently do in home cardio workouts together. Is he actually doing the exercise, well sometimes; BUT is he always tired and ready for a nap after our cardio sessions-ALWAYS!!!!!! Working out together allows your child to release pent up energy while giving you the physical activity you need. We’ve tried Yoga together a few times as well. Yoga doesn’t work too well for us but I hear it works wonders in some kids. YouTube is filled with plenty of Yoga for beginners videos. Take time to indulge.

In closing these are just some of the things you can do with your kids while they’re at home for break. Remember kids are just like adults they don’t want to work all day they require a break. At the same time they don’t need to be on the Ipad or in front of the television all day. Also remember to have a plan. I have a schedule for everyday my son stays home with me. The plan doesn’t always work but it at least gives you a guideline to work with. After planning, execute but also leave a little room for changes.

If you need suggestions for workouts with kids, Yoga, or websites please feel free to comment and I’ll help out.

From Tantrums to Teachable Moments

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Prayer WORKS!!!!!!!!!! Lolbs!! If you read Toddlers -N-Tantrums: Return to Sender(https://chroniclesofasinglemom.home.blog/2020/03/04/toddlers-n-tantrums/) you know I was absolutely OVER my child’s behavior. The thing about being a parent is you can’t give up; no matter how hard it gets; no matter how tired or frustrated you are; and no matter how over it you are…..you have to take a break regroup and keep going. So in true parenting fashion I put my son to bed forty-five minutes early; had another cup of coffee; and took a long hot bath to regroup. I felt so much better afterwards. I was undoubtedly more relaxed; able to think; but most importantly able to keep my mind off him. I had a few good laughs with my girls via text, and off to bed I went.

The next day my son woke up bright and early (much earlier than I would’ve liked) and again about ten minutes after waking up he threw a fit. Why?!?!? Only God in heaven knows. I ignored him, gave him breakfast and commenced to getting his clothes ready for daycare. Per usual I gave him advanced notice that we were going to transition from watching television and snacking to getting ready for school, then gave him the five minute warning, and then started getting him ready. On cue he begins his fit “NO, NO, NO” while screaming, kicking, and trying to wiggle out of my hug. My mom came over for reinforcements and attempted to put his socks on while I washed his face and oiled it and he kicked at her. I sat him up and talked to him about kicking while continuing to dress him and in the midst of his tantrum it clicked!!!!! His tantrums were reminiscent of a child with autism and he’d been watching, and displaying those signs of a meltdown. It’s officially been revealed why his tantrums have gotten worse, thanks God! Now for the fun part….teaching

Once it clicked I immediately knew where my child picked up said behavior: daycare. There’s a little autistic dude at the home daycare and my son frequently plays with him. Like all parents I’m protective of my son including his surroundings and friends. After realizing where my son picked up this behavior my immediate first thought was “he has to stop playing with that kid.” Instantly I knew that was wrong and certainly not the way this situation should be handled. If he’s playing with the child that’s a great thing and a huge parenting win. Him playing with the little boy shows compassion, and kindness two characteristics I’ve worked hard to teach; what I didn’t want was him imitating the behavior and that’s what needed to be separated. As it turns out God answered that for me as well. I looked at my son and told him he’s a leader not a follower; we don’t imitate bad behavior; reminded him he knows the difference between right and wrong; and that he we don’t go through his morning affirmations for nothing; but most importantly I told him I knew where the behavior came from and that while I didn’t approve of his behavior I was proud of him for being a good friend. As a toddler he’s more than likely too young to understand autism but I explained that sometimes people learn differently and can’t communicate their needs and desires which can trigger fierce tantrums/meltdowns. I explained his ability to communicate most of his needs and desires and so tantrums are disappointing. He said he understood and he immediately changed his behavior. For the first time in two weeks he wasn’t outright defiant, disobedient and in his case unbearable.

This won’t be the last time we have a conversation about his behavior; imitating others; and even diverse learners. And much like today he may or may not understand everything I’m saying. In preparation I’m going to find episodes of Sesame Street with the Julia Muppet and teach/reinforce that way.

I’m also proud of myself for recognizing the teachable moment when it arose and for attempting to handle it in a positive way. Had I stuck with my initial reaction I could’ve indirectly erased everything I’ve worked to teach my son about compassion, friendship, and being nice. My negative example would’ve been a lot to overcome. Instead (and most definitely because I prayed first) I was able to view the moment for what it was and use it to both praise and teach my son. We teach our children who we want them to become by what we model.

This two week build up has been extremely exhausting but in some weird way that only makes sense in parenting….it was worth it. I got to see a side of my child that I’m really proud of(his compassion); I got to see characteristics that will make him a great man (grit, determination, focus); but now I also have the opportunity to teach him and train him in real time about “different people” and how to help and be a friend to them while continuing to be himself.

Toddlers -N- Tantrums: Return to Sender

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I’ve never been one to bash any mother’s style. I’ve been a stay at home mom; a working mom and now a work from home mom so I understand the nuisances of each situation. No matter what type of mom you are you’re an amazing mom and only you know what’s best for your family. Do NOT let anyone guilt you over your decisions. Right now I want to send a special shout out to all the stay at home moms of toddlers!!!! Jesus Christ, I have no clue how you all do it! In my book you have the patience of saints because all the random tantrums of the day…..I just can’t lolbvvs!!!!


I work from home two days out of the work week(weekends not included) and my son stays home with me on those days. Today was one of our days together and I had it all planned out. We’d get up at our normal time and head to one of the Children’s museums in the area for a fun day then come home for lunch and a nap; I even found a coupon for discounted entrance. I woke up packed his snacks; got breakfast going; everything was going according to my schedule. Apparently he had other plans because ten minutes after waking up he threw the tantrum of life. Alright, one pre-breakfast tantrum I can manage; sure I think it’s too early for this; of course I have no clue what triggered him but you know what?!? Head down and keep it moving….or at least that’s what I thought. About an hour later he threw a second tantrum (at least this time I knew why) and this one lasted one hour. Yes, you read that right it lasted one full hour of screaming “no, no”; kicking; falling out; thrashing; and flailing. I walked away from him and went to another part of the house, he brought his tantrum to me. I was beyond disappointed in his actions and decisions, not to mention he completely threw off our schedule. More than that I was embarrassed…..thoroughly embarrassed…and we hadn’t even left the house yet.

At that moment I decided a thirty-five to forty-five minute drive to a museum was out of the question. Honestly, at that moment I decided we weren’t going anywhere at all. There was no way I was taking him out of the house for him to act like that in front of people. After he finally pulled himself together I talked to him about why his behavior was inappropriate and how he could’ve hurt himself. Per usual he told me he understood. I then allowed him to watch Sesame Street while I attempted to get ready. He was so calm watching Sesame Street that I debated interrupting him just to run errands. Somewhere in there I decided we’d get out of the house by running errands and instead of the museum he’d have to settle for the park. I managed to get dressed; we got out of the house; and ran all errands with NO tantrums.

Moms, I almost lost my sanity today. His tantrums were so off the chart I almost dropped him off at daycare so I could collect myself. I certainly didn’t want to leave the house. Not leaving the house or at least not wanting to leave the house with him is becoming a reoccurring theme. Over the last two weeks his tantrums have become worse. At this point if you tell him “no” he runs into a corner screaming and acts as if you just told him you were taking all his toys away. Along with the screaming, he’s now thrashing, throwing things, kicking the bed just to much worse than what they normally were. The only thing I’m happy about is he’s not volatile to the point where he will hurt others while at the climax of his tantrums. He doesn’t listen if you tell him to stop because he’ll hurt someone else BUT he does listen if you tell him he’s going to hurt someone else. Bright spot I guess….

While tantrums are a normal part of toddlerhood they’re quickly becoming something that needs to cease. It’s extremely common for parents to feel embarrassed by their children’s tantrums and to my knowledge (I’m a first time mom so that knowledge is limited) society is just now empathizing with moms. While moms deserve the empathy unfortunately all moms/parents/guardians don’t receive said empathy. It was just a few weeks ago when video circulated social media about a young girl in Florida no older than the first grade who was arrested and booked by the police for throwing a tantrum at school(https://youtu.be/MSvWz6t3tfs). Her guardian wasn’t called until after the little girl was booked. Both the school district, and the criminal justice system failed this young girl and her family, but that’s another story altogether. With that type of repercussion there’s no way I can feel comfortable “just letting him outgrow this phase.” Again, I hate to bring race into my parenting blogs but in this instance it totally matters. My little black boy could very well go to jail for throwing a tantrum at school…which means there’s no room to allow him to outgrow this phase.

Since the beginning of his tantrum phase I’ve researched various ways to help him (and subsequently me) get through this. We need to learn self regulation as soon as possible. Here’s what I’ve read; tried; and why it’s failed (insert deep sigh)…

1)No Two Kids are alike: Of all the material I’ve read about toddlers, tantrums, and how to deal with them….none of this has worked me lolbs! Avoid tantrums by keeping the kids fed and full(more or less). This one doesn’t work for us because there are times where my son refuses to eat (toddlerhood) and well he fights a heavyweight battle to keep from going to bed every night. Yet, all the literature I’ve read suggests if you avoid your child being overly hungry or overly stimulated you should in theory be able to avoid a tantrum.

2) Time Outs May or May NOT Work: Not going to lie the leading literature suggests when placing a child in time out to use the one minute per year of age. For example, my son is 2 so 2 minutes should suffice. Well his daycare uses 5 minutes for all the preschoolers and that works there. He’s accustomed to it so there was no point in changing it. We use the same time out terminology and timeframe at home. Some days timeout works, other days not so much. Lately time out isn’t working at all. You can place him in time out, explain why he was in timeout and discuss better choices when he’s done but he comes out and does whatever he shouldn’t do all over again.

3)Ignoring my son NEVER works: You know how some articles say if you give the kid attention while throwing the tantrum that only gives them more ammunition to continue with the tantrum…well ignoring my son doesn’t work either. I happily go to another room (close by so I can monitor his tantrum) while he’s throwing said tantrum and he brings the tantrum to me. KID. YOU. NOT. if I wasn’t so frustrated right now it would actually be funny.

4)Redirection: To be very honest, when he’s older and knows when and when not to be persistent I will really appreciate his tenacity, and persistence. All that to say my son doesn’t quit; if he wants something he wants it and there is no amount of redirection that will change his mind. He’s quite the determined little person, so strong willed and focused. Again, I’ll love all of these characteristics in a few years but not at two.

5)Prayer: no article talks about this one, it’s my own little caveat. Some days we see a change in behavior when it happens…..other days it keeps me just barely patient enough to get to nap time without flipping out(inserts shrug).

In closing as you can see this was a bit of a rant blog(sorry), but I think it’ll spark a mini series on toddler discipline. I’m super curious to open discussions on how parents deal with things and see how parents feel about about societal norms, and “new school” discipline. As you can see I’m so lost(lol)!!! As for these tantrums-I have no idea how to get him through this phase. None of my research is helping; and honestly his tantrums have only gotten worse. Fellow parents, I need some help!!! What do you guys do? What have you done?!? I’m so far PAST over this. Please feel free to leave your comments in the comment section, help a Mama out!!

The Downfalls of Single Parenting: Passport Edition Part 2

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Ok; Ok; Ok it’s been over a month since I started writing this mini series: life happened. I ended up writing about some other things that occurred that I wanted to get off my chest; wrote a Valentine’s Day letter to my son; got sick as a dog and for a good two weeks couldn’t write period but I’m back and ready to wrap this series. Besides I’m sure you all want to know what I found out or decided to do.

I put my research skills to use and found not one but two different forms offered by the government for single parents of children wishing to get passports for their children. The first form is a Statement of Consent from the non-applying parent. Essentially you need the other parent to sign this form and have it notarized, then simply take it with you on the day you and your child go apply. For most co-parenting situations this form is probably ideal, unfortunately it wasn’t good enough for my situation. Sure I can suddenly call this dude and tell him I’m emailing or mailing this form to him and ask him to send it back signed and notarized but if we’re not communicating this isn’t an option. …back to researching.

There is indeed a second form and this one is perfect for my situation, it’s called the Exigent/Special Family Circumstances. Now I wish I could say its super easy to use this form but based on what I’ve read it’s not. You have to prove the person is non-responsive and you need to prove why the passport needs to be expedited. I honestly won’t try to go into too much details about this form because I don’t want to mislead anyone. Instead, if this form appeals to your situation please follow this link https://www.us-passport-service-guide.com/get-a-passport-for-a-child-under-exigent-special-family-circumstances.html

In closing, the aforementioned link will provide so much information in regards to obtaining a passport for a minor. Unfortunately it is a LOT harder for us single parents but I’m determined not to allow that to stop me from providing my child with life changing experiences. I don’t have all the answers to this issue, but I do encourage you not to be discouraged if you’re having a rough time. If you’ve already obtained your child’s passport please comment and let the rest of us know what you did. Let’s all help one another.

Growth(ish) Part 2: Real Recognize Real

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In Growth(ish) Part 1 I detailed an account of how and why I decided to skip out on a friend’s birthday party. I was really proud of myself because I could totally see the growth in my decision making process but also the growth in my comfort and acceptance of my single parent situation. Of course this means I was tested(deep sigh). It wasn’t the hardest of situations but it certainly forced me to come to grips with some things and acknowledge my feelings. Here goes…..

Quick background of that story I was invited to a party of a mutual friend of mine and my son’s father. After waiting to see if my son’s father would attend I decided not to go. It was just best for me to avoid him ESPECIALLY since he was bringing a plus one AND our mutual friend has no clue about the situation between us. Now that you’re all caught up that party took place on February 8th…..but on February 7th boy did I have the shock of a lifetime!!! My son and I were attending one of his toddler playpals’ 2nd birthday party in the south suburbs. Now you all don’t know this because I seldomly voice it but I attempt to stay away from the south side of the city, more specifically places I know my child’s father frequents. Yup, this extra huge city with over 3 million people and I tend to avoid one part of the city all to steer clear of one person…that’s an entirely different story. Any who, this was the south suburbs and at a children’s play venue…..not that I actually worried or previously thought about it but very low chance of running into that man.

My son and I are enjoying the party, the parents, the other little boys, the food (lol) and then it happened……while on the obstacle course I SWORE I saw my child’s father, and the infuriating part was he was with another child!!!!! Now, if it’s one thing I’m glad about it’s that I’ve learned to investigate before acting. Blood boiling, I quickly told my son “let’s go the other way around”, I needed to observe this man without being creepy. While on the other side of the obstacle course I watched the guy’s movements; motions; looked at his build and demeanor again; eyed the child trying to figure out where in the san-blue hell a 6-8 year old girl I knew nothing about could or would’ve come from. I contemplated how to approach him if it were actually my son’s father…..all of that occurred in less than three minutes, kid you not lol(women are great private detectives when necessary). You know what? I did all of that and it wasn’t even him!!!!! My brain, my emotions, everything was able to relax again. I was thoroughly embarrassed but able to play it off because no one knew what was going on. My son and I continued to enjoy the party and left at the end with no one, including the other guy having any idea of what transpired.

Even though I was able to save face, this occurrence really forced me to reflect on myself. Had I really healed? Was I truly over this guy? Why did the thought of him set me on edge? I realized it wasn’t the thought of seeing him that put me over the edge. I saw with my own two eyes that he was bringing someone else to a party and that didn’t affect me emotionally. I didn’t want him back; and I really have made strides in my healing. There was only one other time I got pissed at the thought of seeing him, and that too was a day I thought I saw him with another kid. That’s when I realized it wasn’t the thought of seeing him that upset me, it was the thought of him taking care of or spending time with another child that boiled my blood.

In that moment I didn’t take time to tell myself I was wrong for feeling that way, in that moment I was proud of myself for being up front and honest. Sometimes when we’re healing it’s easy to hide the truth from ourselves, I chose not to do that. Secondly, I gave myself permission to have those feelings. Are they good feelings; no. Can I control him; no….but it’s ok for me to feel the way I do. This is someone who rejected his child in every way imaginable, it makes sense for me to react strongly to that. However, now that I know and understand I have these feelings it’s something I need to work on; pray over; and perhaps even game plan how I should deal with it. It’s been about two weeks since this happened and I still don’t have a game plan for how to handle the fact that one day I may see him parenting another child. I plan to but haven’t done so yet. In fact if I’m being totally honest this is the first time I’ve openly talked/wrote about the situation. I believe this is the second step in confronting my feelings. I’ve acknowledged them, and now I’m admitting them. It may sound cliche’ but it actually feels really good to be open; in fact it’s freeing. Now I can pray over it, pray for healing of those feelings but also pray for my son’s healing in that department. If I get pissed at the possibility of seeing him parent another child I can only imagine how that will affect my son. I think I also need to pray over the characteristics of the father I desire for my child; and for my child not to feel any sense of “missing out on things/love”; and for his restoration.

Valentine’s Day Letter to My Son

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Valentine’s Day 2020 I wanted to find my son the perfect card. I’d give him his present and card; we’d put the card and picture in his memory box and later on in life he’d be able to read it and realize how much his Mommy loves him. As was the case with his birthday finding my idea of the perfect card didn’t happen; in fact writing this letter on time also didn’t happen. Valentine’s Day rolled around and I was down with the flu. Like low grade fever that wouldn’t break; extremely sore body; loads of sweating; no appetite; couldn’t do anything other than sleep and cough….FLU! I barely made it out of bed Thursday afternoon to purchase the snacks and cards for his Valentine’s Day party at daycare but Thank God I was able to make his treat bags(in spite of forgetting to purchase Valentine’s Day baggies and having to use ziploc bags). Here we are four days later and Mommy is just now well enough to compose his letter (and subsequently this blog). Thinking about some of the things I’ve set out to accomplish this year helped put my intentions and love for him in the perfect perspective for his letter.

I love my son SOOOOOOOOOOO much, as I am sure you all love your child(ren). Being a single parent has been interesting to say the least and quite an educational experience. I think sometimes we single parents focus intently on teaching our child everything we feel he or she would learn in a two parent home until we lose focus of what the most important lessons are. For me the most important thing is making sure I’m building a solid foundation for his relationship with God. IF I am intention (refer to https://chroniclesofasinglemom.home.blog/2020/01/01/lessons-for-2020/ for more about my year of intentionality) about providing the foundation for his relationship with God; in return I know God will prompt me to teach him things I may forget….OR He’ll provide someone else in our village to teach my son said lesson. The following blog isn’t the actual letter I wrote my son but a guideline for some of the things I am practicing in order to build the his foundation. The conclusion will sort of link the blog and his letter together.

1)The Word(Bible): I previously stated 2020 is a year of intentionality for me. Basically it means that I am purposefully setting out to do some things and that I am using certain tasks to hold myself accountable. One such goal of mine is to lay the foundation for my son’s relationship with God. As I’ve gotten older and worked on my own relationship with God I’ve heard a lot about praying the word. As dumb as this may sound I had no idea what this meant OR how to do it. Praying the word is certainly something I want to be able to teach him and because I was clueless I had to research it for myself. One thing I learned is it’s impossible to pray the word if you don’t know the word. In relation to my child, he’s a toddler which means he’s going to imitate things he sees; which means I have to set the right examples. Classic case, if I don’t want him to curse at daycare I can’t curse in front of him…and well this one is hard if sports are involved lolbs! To date he hasn’t embarrassed me and cursed at daycare (inserts happy dance)! So I concluded it will be good for him to see me reading and studying the word; as well as speaking the word in hopes that as he grows and matures he will follow in those footsteps.

2) Prayer: I didn’t mention prayer in the previous bulletpoint because it needed to stand alone. Obviously if I want him to have a relationship with God I have to teach him how to communicate with God. We communicate with God through prayer. While my son is accustomed to seeing my pray as his vocabulary increased it became imperative to teach him to pray WITH me instead of him listening to or watching me pray. My son and I have two set prayer times, three if you include grace. The first time we pray is in the truck on our way to daycare. We (well I) recite Psalms 91 and then he and I say a little prayer afterwards. Our second time to pray is right before bed; at bedtime we say the childhood favorite “Now I lay me down to sleep.” It’s important to establish this routine with him as it allows him to understand we start and end our day with prayer; and it also allows him to get an understanding of what/who to pray for and how to pray. I believe as he gets older this routine will enable him to understand that it’s best and in my opinion easiest to pray throughout the day.

3)Morning Affirmations: This one is really fun!!! Not to bring race into an already content heavy blog BUT my son is a little black boy. Yup, there I said it. The world (anyone) will try to tear him down, it is up to me and my village to lift him up; a HUGE part of that is my responsibility as his mother. Our morning affirmations build him up; instill confidence; get him pumped and ready for the day; give him a certain mindset; but most importantly our affirmations teach him who he is in Christ!! These affirmations also serve as a way for him to learn some scripture early which in turn will help him learn how to pray the word over his life.

4)Grace: Translate grace into patience….now please drop your head and say a silent prayer for me because this one is a huge struggle lolbvvs!!! I am NOT the one to tell you how to give grace to others. I can tell you that it’s important enough for me to model to my son…..so that made it important enough to actually take time to study what the word says about patience and being patient.

5) Church: We go two to three times a month so believe me when I tell you I am not the person to lecture you about church attendance. I can attest to how important having a church home is and more importantly I can tell you the importance of finding the RIGHT church home. Before finding out I was pregnant I often said of my church home “once I have a kid I’m out, there’s nothing for kids to do here and I will need my kid to be interactive and involved.” Flash forward two years later and we haven’t left, nor have I thought about leaving. No church is perfect, and in spite of what some may think you don’t have to tell all of your business to the people of the church to receive their support, and love. When my son baptized I was thankful for the support of the church. My son’s father nor any member of his family were there; it meant the world to me that my family and my sisters(my church crew) stood behind and with me. And I’m sure you’re thinking ” of course they stood with you, they knew about the situation” in fact they didn’t. At that time only my mother knew what was going on with my son’s father. They stood with me out of love for my son and I…and until this day none of them have asked where my son’s father was. They know the story at this point because I eventually opened up and disclosed it. That’s honestly just one example of knowing I was in the right church. There have been so many examples over the past two years; and oddly enough the Children’s Ministry is growing:) Long story short find the church that fits you and your family’s needs and make a strong attempt to become apart of it. There will be a time when you need them most, and if you’re in the right place they’ll give you what you need without hesitation.

In conclusion no you didn’t read my letter to my son, what you read are some of the steps that I’m taking to ensure his relationship with God. These are the same things I wrote about in his letter, along with why I feel this is important and a little bit about the love of God. Teaching him about the love of God and love for himself will enable him to have a great Valentine’s Day irregardless of who he gets cards/candy from; the events of the day/weekend that he may or may not attend; and his dating/marriage situation. Teaching him about the ultimate love will have a positive life lasting effect on him. That’s my job as his mom……. the person who loves him most on this earth.

Happy Valentine’s Day 2020:)

Growth(ish)

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I know I started an intriguing blog a couple of weeks ago regarding the process of getting my son’s passport and I know I haven’t give you guys part two; I PROMISE it’s coming! Life keeps happening and that means there have been other things I’ve needed to write about to keep you guys included on my parental journey. I promise, promise, promise I will conclude that but this isn’t the day. Today, I’m going to tell you about another chance for growth that recently occurred.

As is the common theme when you’re with someone for a long time the two of you obatin mutual friends. Naturally that’s the case with my son’s father and I; we have friends we went to high school with; and then we have random mutual friends. As it so happens this particular mutual friend knows both my son’s father and I from two totally different times. He went to Elementary School (K-8th here in the big city) with my son’s father; and he went to college with me. The interesting thing about our mutual friendship is he and his wife have a daughter that is a few months older than our son. The kids ended up in daycare together for a brief period and now they’re in the same swim class. While this particular mutual friend has never seen my son with his father he respects and acknowledges him as such; and in spite of everything that went down between us I’m not going to correct that……or shall I say I hadn’t corrected it. As I’m writing this I can’t think of a time where we’ve talked about my son’s father having anything to do with my son(inserts shrug). Enough with the background info though…..

Last week sometime our mutual friend invited both of us to his birthday party. I saw that was the case, so while I wanted to attend the party I decided to wait and see if my son’s father would RSVP and then make my decision. I checked the RSVP list yesterday (the party is Saturday)and saw that my son’s father RSVP’ed for two people. Thoroughly irritated out of shear shock he RSVP’ed I decided not to go. Before we move forward no, I wasn’t irritated because he RSVP’ed for two. Honestly he could have a brother, or cousin, or anyone accompanying him….even if it is another woman that’s not my business. I was irritated because seeing his RSVP made me recall all the Saturday nights he was “too tired from work” or “working too late” and couldn’t/wouldn’t come see our son. I was irritated because this same “workaholic” individual who blew off our then infant son somehow made time to attend a birthday party. I was irritated because this individual who hasn’t seen our son in eighteen months isn’t trying to rectify that and build a relationship with my son BUT chose to go to a party. Talk about having your priorities straight!! That was the premise of my irritation but also another confirmation that I’d made the correct decision in not trying to force a relationship between he and my son. After all it was abundantly clear he did and does NOT want a relationship with my son. His actions, rather inaction further cement my belief that he told his parents that our son wasn’t his which is how we got here in the beginning……BUT back to the story at hand:)

Before RSVP’ing (even though I knew I wasn’t going) I talked it through with my two besties. In situations like this it’s nice to be able to bounce your thoughts and feelings off people who legitimately care about your well being and will be honest with you. We all agreed this was not the ideal situation for me. This is where part one of the growth comes in…..twenty something year old me would’ve grabbed one of my male friends that neither of them know; put on my best dress; and go to the party just to piss him off. Almost thirty-five year old me was able to say screw that and live happily ever after lol! Like didn’t even think about it. I am the MASTER of flirting AND I know exactly how to push all of his buttons…the fact that none of this came to mind is serious growth.

Today I decided to register my “No” RSVP on Evite. I thanked our mutual friend for the invite but told him I couldn’t make it. Next, because I know I’ll see his wife in swim lessons I sent a quick text informing our mutual friend that I couldn’t make the party but the three of us should schedule an adult outing soon. He promptly replied saying he was sorry to hear I wasn’t coming but if anything changed please stop through. Second evidence of growth (lolbs) PETTY me would’ve responded with something snarky eluding to the fact that my son’s father was a deadbeat that didn’t deserve to breath the same air as me….BUT I didn’t go there. I simply “liked” the message and left it alone. Not that I’ve ever been messy but um…petty is another story. Today it just wasn’t worth it; no point of looking like the bitter ex girlfriend/baby mama when that’s not the case. Could I tell him about his friend, yes. Should I? In this situation no. Now if it comes to a point where I need to defend myself or clarify some comments my son’s father makes well that’s different. However, I am not going to initiate anything. Our business is our business and I’m not going to out that.

So why growth ish instead of growth? Because while I didn’t feel the need to show up and show out part of me still wanted to be petty. Yes, I resisted the urge but it was still there. While I am celebrating my growth, I am also taking the time to realize there’s still more work to be done. At this point my life and the choices I make don’t just affect me, but also my son. I want to lead and teach by example being mean spirited, provocative, and petty are not examples I want to set for my toddler. I’m happy, I’m blessed, and so is my son. No need to stoop to low levels.

Growth: progressive development; a stage or condition in increasing; developing; or maturing.

Not quite there yet, but certainly on the way!!

The Downfalls of Single Parenting: Passport Edition

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Normally I give a nice introduction before getting into the actual plot of the story but I’m not sure there is a great way to introduce this one so I’ll hop right in. I have quite a few goals for 2020, one of which includes taking my son out of the country. I recently began researching the criteria for getting our passports and I was thoroughly upset. Long story short I found out that my son’s father needs to accompany us when we apply for his passport. Irritated is a real understatement of how that made me feel.

My son hasn’t seen or had any contact with his father in over a year. My son’s father hasn’t attempted to contact me to check on our son in eight months; he does not financially support our child; honestly my son doesn’t know his biological father from any other random man that may approach him. I’m not sure why the government feels his permission is needed he is no more a father or parent to my son than anyone running the government. Instead of following my feelings and getting pissed off I decided to research to see if there was any way around this.

First I looked for any exemptions to that rule on the website about passport information; as it stands there are no exemptions for the two parent rule but I plan on calling them anyway. I’m hoping there is some way around involving him. Secondly, I looked into petitioning him to terminate his parental rights. For me this is the best option and something I want anyway. There are so many things I want to do with my child, if “getting permission” from him to accomplish said tasks with my child will continue to be an issue let’s just terminate his rights. Again, I was left disappointed. It turns out in the state of Illinois you can’t voluntarily petition someone to terminate their parental rights. Parental rights can only be terminated one of two ways: one, there is another parent there who will become the child’s adoptive parent (essentially marriage and adoption); and two, the state brings a juvenile case against the kid. According to what I read the state feels more comfortable with each child having two parents.

From there I looked into the legal definition of abandonment. It turns out that while my son’s father fit the legal definition of child abandonment the only remedy for that (in the state of Illinois) is child support. The state of Illinois feels child support is the best way to remedy negligence; and abandonment. This is extremely frustrating!!! There are plenty of single parents in the state not all of whom want to pursue child support; I am one of them. I’m totally happy to take care of my son by myself. I don’t feel the need to pursue and force someone who willingly walked away from his child to make monthly payments and forced visitation. Seriously, let’s not create more issues…let my son and I have our peace by walking completely away from the situation. Please, let’s spare my son the emotional damage of visitation; or missed visits; or further rejection from the same person.

I know what some of you are thinking; file for sole custody….and if for some unforsaken reason I file for child support, sole custody is certainly the route I plan to take. However the issue of child support is something I’d like to avoid altogether.

As I’m writing this my only two options to remedying this passport situation are: asking him to come with us and agree to my son getting the passport (which even if I ask he won’t come….this is a man who willingly walked away from a child…he doesn’t acknowledge his birthday or Christmas, you thinking he’s meeting us for a passport-hell no); or file for child support. More than being upset I really want to find a way to handle this that doesn’t involve my son’s father or filing for child support.

Self Care on a Budget

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One of the misconceptions about self care is you need to spend loads of money; that’s totally false. A lot of the things I do multiple times each week if not daily are either free or cheap. Here are some of the things I’ve made it a habit to incorporate into my day or week:

1)Podcasts: I try very hard to listen to one podcast each day. I’m a huge proponent of self improvement and podcasts allow you to choose what you’d like to learn that day. Aside from choosing your topic you can also decide how much of one podcast to listen to that day; some podcasts are as short as fifteen minutes while others last up to two hours. I love the fact that podcasts are mobile so I can listen to them while grocery shopping or running other errands AND best of all they’re free.

2)Daily Devotional: You can purchase one from a store or you can use the various apps on your phone/tablet. Daily devotionals help me start(or end) the day with more clarity, focus, and a sense of serenity. My favorite thing about daily devotionals is that it takes less than five minutes.

3)Yoga: YouTube!! I have a toddle…. I pay for daycare therefore I can’t see myself paying upwards of $100 monthly for pretty much anything else. YouTube Yoga works for me because it’s basically free; it’s so calming; it’s convenient(right from the comfort of my own home); and it’s something I can do with my son…again free of charge. Yoga forces me to slow down and pay attention to myself. You can grab a cheap mat from Marshalls,Target, or  Five and Below. There are quite a few channels you can subscribe to however my current fav is “Yoga With Adrienne.”

4) Workout: I’m a Certified Personal Trainer so I own some equipment , and write my own workouts. I know most people aren’t blessed to have that certification however you can also skip the gym membership and  YouTube some workouts. Blender Fitness has some really good ones. I hear Daily Burn on Roku is good but I haven’t tried them and I don’t know if there’s a fee.

5)Blog/Journal: I love sharing my experiences and revelations with you guys. Blogging and journaling serves as a good mechanism of reflection and to also allows me to see where there’s room for improvement. The worst part of journaling (for me anyway) is purchasing a journal. They can get pretty pricey. I also like gel pens and those can also get pricey. Realistically journaling is a relatively inexpensive method of self care. Pay more attention to my action not my methods(s) and need for pricey tools on this one lolbs!

6) A bath: Now that I have a toddler its a tad easier to take a bath once a week…but only once a week. I’m afraid of what he’d get into if I did this more frequently. If you like bubbles grab some or try a DIY recipe. Pinterest has some great DIY receipes and surprisingly enough you will have most of the ingredients at home.

7)Read: I’m a bookworm and love to read/learn. Being able to read for enjoyment brings about a sense of relaxation. This is where your local library comes in handy. If the library is too far or you owe too much in fines(it happens) try book swapping with your friends; a boo club; e-books (Amazon has free e-books and .$99 books); or Thriftbooks.com

8)Movies: Specifically Disney and Harry Potter lol! Both take me back to my childhood and bring a smile to my face. I know them word for word but it doesn’t matter they make me happy. Oh, add Shrek 1 and 2 to this as well.

9)Good Friends: this one is a work of progress for me, not because I don’t have good friends but because I tend not to make time to see them. I’m getting better. I’ve been extremely mindful this year to hang out once a month with my cousins or friends. Most of the time our adventures are reasonably priced. They range from going to Sephora to try on different shades of lipstick; game nights; me cooking for everyone and having them come over…usually nothing extravagant; but the bonds; the friend/kinsmenship; and the laughs are both cathartic and endless.

10)Laughter: It’s the best medicine; a happy heart is a light heart. You don’t have to go to a comedy show (even though that would be great) to achieve this one. You can YouTube; Podcast; or just call a friend. Try to laugh once a day, it will just make you feel better.

Bonus Tip:

11)Social Media Detox: Being completely honest I deactivated and deleted my Facebook and Instagram accounts in 2018 after all the craziness with my son’s father went down. Originally it was just to keep my emotions as in check as possible but it turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. My spirit feels so clean and free; and I also don’t feel the “need” to check and see what others are doing or to post what I’m doing. It was a freeing experience and I highly recommend it. Currently I have an Instagram to follow the children’s places and activities in the city but that’s it. I don’t make posts and none of my friends know about the account and follow me.

In conclusion Self Care is really quite simple once you become intentional about doing it. You don’t have to start with everyday, you can start by doing something for yourself once a month and gradually increase. I gave a list of some of the things I do but don’t stop here, find things that make you happy and bring you a sense of peace and indulge. If you’re a SAHM all of the listed activities can be done with kids; while they’re napping; or while running errands. Trust me my son has indulged in “Ma, Ma, Ma” so many times during Yoga and I politely ignored him and kept practicing. Eventually he caught the hint and started doing it with me. You will now catch him in “downward dog” almost anywhere. Your kids will understand as long as you set and be intentional about your self care boundary. In the end they will also thank you because you will have indirectly taught them to value their emotional and mental health as well.