Tag Archives: single mom

A Parent’s Worse Nightmare

Leave a reply

The world stopped Sunday upon receiving news of Kobe Bryant’s untimely death. I personally almost passed out in disbelief. According to my mother she knew someone had transitioned based on the tone of my voice. I was totally taken aback and once I heard the number of victims who were on the flight it sent me over the edge even more! ” Oh my God, was Vanessa with him? If so that means ALL the girls?!? Oh my God, please don’t tell me an entire family is gone. As the we weaved through the rumors and (mis)information being presented at the speed of light we learned Vanessa wasn’t with him; which in my mind reasonably meant the baby wasn’t aboard the helicopter. This should’ve calmed my nerves, lightened the blow but it didn’t. I immediately screamed “GiGi”!!!!! Her death was yet to be confirmed BUT I was already gone. I bawled the entire day; and once her death was confirmed well it became too much. My own son staring at me in horror, not understanding what’s going on didn’t make the situation any better. I attempted to talk to one of my close friends about it and I immediately realized why I was taking this so hard. Yes, he was an amazing player; yes his death was so untimely and so unexpected but none of that is what drove me to the brink of unbearable sorrow. None of that was why I couldn’t look at; deal with; or be involved with my own son. This hit differently, it hurt like hell because I’m a parent; a mother and whether it’s for the good or bad things affect you differently as a parent.

Motherhood, parenthood in general has a way of uniting us. It’s one of those things that we inherently understand. We may have varying circumstances but realistically there is more about being a parent that unites us than divides us and well we aren’t afraid to show that, to build community and relationships from it. The unbearable pain I felt was as a a parent; it was so complex and yet once I was able to somewhat dissect it it made so much sense. The realization of more children and broken families built on the grief I was experiencing. This piece is in no way indicative of what’s going on or me trying to say how they do or should feel, It is no way what I know to be happening. This piece is just what I FELT on their behalf and the mini directions in which my mind wandered. For me writing was necessary to process my own grief.

Fear, Failure and Realizing Mortality:

I can’t imagine nor do I want to experience what it feels like to know what’s coming and to not be able to do anything to save your baby girl. Like seriously in the moments leading up to the crash I imagine all he could do was tell her he loved her; pray with her; and hold her. While spiritually and maybe emotionally that’s a lot and the best thing to do(prayer); physically and mentally it’s nothing. I HATE feeling helpless in minor situations with my son….you know he fell and I couldn’t catch him; he’s teething; and I can’t take the pain away; things like that. Can you imagine how hopeless that has to feel; to know he couldn’t stop the inevitable; to know he couldn’t take the pain away; to see that fear on her face?!?! I’m sure for a brief moment he felt like a failure. Parents but men especially pride themselves on providing for and protecting their families. Even in those last minutes I’m sure it messed with his manhood to know he couldn’t do anything. In all honesty I’m sure for another brief second he felt responsible for what was happening; after all it was his helicopter. Even if he didn’t feel those emotions (and I seriously hope he didn’t) knowing she won’t live out her potential; knowing she’s about to be robbed of her future; and that he is about to lose time with his other children…that’s so much pain. It hurts to fathom he died possibly blaming himself for her death…and in the end felt helpless. I would imagine his emotional death hurt more than his physical death.

Disbelief, Brokenness , and The Unthinkable:

Not even sure where to begin with this one. To carry and bear a child; watch them grow up; witness their milestones; prepare for the future because you know greater is coming and then to have it all snatched away in the blink of an eye -the immense grief the surviving parents must feel. What those parents wouldn’t give for one more hug; one more kiss; one more I love you mom/dad; more time to watch them grow….I’m honestly not sure how anyone finds closure from that. I imagine it feels as though a piece of your heart has left. How do you move on from that?

If you’re V how do you still mother your other children young children at that while grieving. How do you explain to your toddler who has very little sense of what’s going on that her sister and father won’t be back? How do you not get annoyed with her for continuously calling out for them? How do you separate their lack of understanding from your own grief? How do you mother a newborn and continue to unselfishly give of yourself when you’re in shock; horrified; in disbelief?

The father with the toddler who kept crying out for mommy……how do you deal? My heart broke again listening to him talk about how his baby crying out for mommy broke him. Jesus, how does one attempt to process grief when you have a toddler adding to it? You hurt for your children!!! Let’s be honest, as a toddler what memories will they have of their parents or siblings? Not very many. You hurt because their robbed of a parent, continuing a relationship, and what could’ve been. Mourning both the present and the future can be extremely hard, almost crushing.

AND in my opinion it gets worse for all the parents that have to identify and bury their children. How do you bury a child? No one is prepared to do that; we aren’t taught how to; aren’t given any direction. How do you get closure, you have to identify a body?!?!? Not a whole body possibly riddled with needle wounds after a fight with a terminal illness; not a body riddled any other bruises or wounds…unfortunately and perhaps what hurts most is possibly a mangled body; charred; in pieces, missing pieces; or no body at all. It’s hard enough to lose a child; it makes closure and acceptance even harder with the possibility of the gruesomeness these parents must face. They honestly can’t get that last hug; look at the gentle faces again; kiss their cheeks; or move their daughter’s hairs behind their ear.

My Jesus how it must feel to lose a piece of your heart and to grieve without physical closure. In the words of the hymn, “Oh what needless pain we bear.”

Horrified, Guilt, and Regret:
I don’t know how true this is but it’s been said on several occasions that Kobe and his parents weren’t on speaking terms. While I hope this isn’t true, I mourned for them too, but in a different way. If it is true they weren’t on speaking terms there’s a sense of guilt and regret that probably hits them. A case of the “what if” or “should’ve, would’ve, could’ve”. Maybe even a case of “I thought there’d be more time.” Unfortunately time is a fragile thing, it is both with us and against us. We never know how much of it we have and so it’s important to make every moment count; to attempt amends; and to do our best to have functional relationships with the ones that matter most. I honestly hope they aren’t mourning the loss of a son and granddaughter as well as the loss of possible reconciliation. I hope they aren’t mourning a granddaughter and the lost ability to get to know her. I hope they were at peace with their son. Yet, if they weren’t that’s a different type of loss altogether. It’s a loss I can’t exactly put into words but I felt and understood it all too well. While everyone’s loss is devastating if there was no relationship with their son and granddaughter that loss is more devastating because it comes with a side of guilt and resentment.

In the End:

In the end it took me a few days to sort through my feelings, and to compose myself enough to to put this into words yet after dissecting all of this I understood exactly why I felt her pain; why I felt his pain; and the pain of his parents and all the parents involved. I mourn(ed) those things with and for them. For some reason this commonality of parenthood really allowed me to empathize with them and perhaps understand a smidgen of the pain they’re feeling. It was important to understand this burden; this grief; this pain because while I need to pray for them I also need to learn from it. Even though Ionky have a toddler sooner rather than later I need to figure out a way to explain death and grief to him. And while this may not be a common idea I think it may be smart for me to game plan how to deal with grief while parenting; after all I am a parent and it will happen. In the end I wish this never would’ve happened to them but I no matter how it hurts I’m not going to question God. We just have to pray for the families, it”s really all we can do.

The Downfalls of Single Parenting: Passport Edition

Leave a reply

Normally I give a nice introduction before getting into the actual plot of the story but I’m not sure there is a great way to introduce this one so I’ll hop right in. I have quite a few goals for 2020, one of which includes taking my son out of the country. I recently began researching the criteria for getting our passports and I was thoroughly upset. Long story short I found out that my son’s father needs to accompany us when we apply for his passport. Irritated is a real understatement of how that made me feel.

My son hasn’t seen or had any contact with his father in over a year. My son’s father hasn’t attempted to contact me to check on our son in eight months; he does not financially support our child; honestly my son doesn’t know his biological father from any other random man that may approach him. I’m not sure why the government feels his permission is needed he is no more a father or parent to my son than anyone running the government. Instead of following my feelings and getting pissed off I decided to research to see if there was any way around this.

First I looked for any exemptions to that rule on the website about passport information; as it stands there are no exemptions for the two parent rule but I plan on calling them anyway. I’m hoping there is some way around involving him. Secondly, I looked into petitioning him to terminate his parental rights. For me this is the best option and something I want anyway. There are so many things I want to do with my child, if “getting permission” from him to accomplish said tasks with my child will continue to be an issue let’s just terminate his rights. Again, I was left disappointed. It turns out in the state of Illinois you can’t voluntarily petition someone to terminate their parental rights. Parental rights can only be terminated one of two ways: one, there is another parent there who will become the child’s adoptive parent (essentially marriage and adoption); and two, the state brings a juvenile case against the kid. According to what I read the state feels more comfortable with each child having two parents.

From there I looked into the legal definition of abandonment. It turns out that while my son’s father fit the legal definition of child abandonment the only remedy for that (in the state of Illinois) is child support. The state of Illinois feels child support is the best way to remedy negligence; and abandonment. This is extremely frustrating!!! There are plenty of single parents in the state not all of whom want to pursue child support; I am one of them. I’m totally happy to take care of my son by myself. I don’t feel the need to pursue and force someone who willingly walked away from his child to make monthly payments and forced visitation. Seriously, let’s not create more issues…let my son and I have our peace by walking completely away from the situation. Please, let’s spare my son the emotional damage of visitation; or missed visits; or further rejection from the same person.

I know what some of you are thinking; file for sole custody….and if for some unforsaken reason I file for child support, sole custody is certainly the route I plan to take. However the issue of child support is something I’d like to avoid altogether.

As I’m writing this my only two options to remedying this passport situation are: asking him to come with us and agree to my son getting the passport (which even if I ask he won’t come….this is a man who willingly walked away from a child…he doesn’t acknowledge his birthday or Christmas, you thinking he’s meeting us for a passport-hell no); or file for child support. More than being upset I really want to find a way to handle this that doesn’t involve my son’s father or filing for child support.

Self Care on a Budget

Leave a reply

One of the misconceptions about self care is you need to spend loads of money; that’s totally false. A lot of the things I do multiple times each week if not daily are either free or cheap. Here are some of the things I’ve made it a habit to incorporate into my day or week:

1)Podcasts: I try very hard to listen to one podcast each day. I’m a huge proponent of self improvement and podcasts allow you to choose what you’d like to learn that day. Aside from choosing your topic you can also decide how much of one podcast to listen to that day; some podcasts are as short as fifteen minutes while others last up to two hours. I love the fact that podcasts are mobile so I can listen to them while grocery shopping or running other errands AND best of all they’re free.

2)Daily Devotional: You can purchase one from a store or you can use the various apps on your phone/tablet. Daily devotionals help me start(or end) the day with more clarity, focus, and a sense of serenity. My favorite thing about daily devotionals is that it takes less than five minutes.

3)Yoga: YouTube!! I have a toddle…. I pay for daycare therefore I can’t see myself paying upwards of $100 monthly for pretty much anything else. YouTube Yoga works for me because it’s basically free; it’s so calming; it’s convenient(right from the comfort of my own home); and it’s something I can do with my son…again free of charge. Yoga forces me to slow down and pay attention to myself. You can grab a cheap mat from Marshalls,Target, or  Five and Below. There are quite a few channels you can subscribe to however my current fav is “Yoga With Adrienne.”

4) Workout: I’m a Certified Personal Trainer so I own some equipment , and write my own workouts. I know most people aren’t blessed to have that certification however you can also skip the gym membership and  YouTube some workouts. Blender Fitness has some really good ones. I hear Daily Burn on Roku is good but I haven’t tried them and I don’t know if there’s a fee.

5)Blog/Journal: I love sharing my experiences and revelations with you guys. Blogging and journaling serves as a good mechanism of reflection and to also allows me to see where there’s room for improvement. The worst part of journaling (for me anyway) is purchasing a journal. They can get pretty pricey. I also like gel pens and those can also get pricey. Realistically journaling is a relatively inexpensive method of self care. Pay more attention to my action not my methods(s) and need for pricey tools on this one lolbs!

6) A bath: Now that I have a toddler its a tad easier to take a bath once a week…but only once a week. I’m afraid of what he’d get into if I did this more frequently. If you like bubbles grab some or try a DIY recipe. Pinterest has some great DIY receipes and surprisingly enough you will have most of the ingredients at home.

7)Read: I’m a bookworm and love to read/learn. Being able to read for enjoyment brings about a sense of relaxation. This is where your local library comes in handy. If the library is too far or you owe too much in fines(it happens) try book swapping with your friends; a boo club; e-books (Amazon has free e-books and .$99 books); or Thriftbooks.com

8)Movies: Specifically Disney and Harry Potter lol! Both take me back to my childhood and bring a smile to my face. I know them word for word but it doesn’t matter they make me happy. Oh, add Shrek 1 and 2 to this as well.

9)Good Friends: this one is a work of progress for me, not because I don’t have good friends but because I tend not to make time to see them. I’m getting better. I’ve been extremely mindful this year to hang out once a month with my cousins or friends. Most of the time our adventures are reasonably priced. They range from going to Sephora to try on different shades of lipstick; game nights; me cooking for everyone and having them come over…usually nothing extravagant; but the bonds; the friend/kinsmenship; and the laughs are both cathartic and endless.

10)Laughter: It’s the best medicine; a happy heart is a light heart. You don’t have to go to a comedy show (even though that would be great) to achieve this one. You can YouTube; Podcast; or just call a friend. Try to laugh once a day, it will just make you feel better.

Bonus Tip:

11)Social Media Detox: Being completely honest I deactivated and deleted my Facebook and Instagram accounts in 2018 after all the craziness with my son’s father went down. Originally it was just to keep my emotions as in check as possible but it turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. My spirit feels so clean and free; and I also don’t feel the “need” to check and see what others are doing or to post what I’m doing. It was a freeing experience and I highly recommend it. Currently I have an Instagram to follow the children’s places and activities in the city but that’s it. I don’t make posts and none of my friends know about the account and follow me.

In conclusion Self Care is really quite simple once you become intentional about doing it. You don’t have to start with everyday, you can start by doing something for yourself once a month and gradually increase. I gave a list of some of the things I do but don’t stop here, find things that make you happy and bring you a sense of peace and indulge. If you’re a SAHM all of the listed activities can be done with kids; while they’re napping; or while running errands. Trust me my son has indulged in “Ma, Ma, Ma” so many times during Yoga and I politely ignored him and kept practicing. Eventually he caught the hint and started doing it with me. You will now catch him in “downward dog” almost anywhere. Your kids will understand as long as you set and be intentional about your self care boundary. In the end they will also thank you because you will have indirectly taught them to value their emotional and mental health as well.

Self Care

Leave a reply

Self Care has been one of the trending topics for a few years now. I believe part of the reason this is the case is because society drives us(probably more the case for millennial and Gen Z-ers) parents and to “have it all” meaning we’re expected to over excel in all areas of life: school; career; dating/married life; parenting; social life; physical appearance; have an amazing bank account; drive the latest car; take trips; rock the freshest clothes; exercise; drink water; and sleep. Oh and of course post your entire life and all of it’s details on social media. How?!?!?! Somewhere along the lines while trying to live up to society’s standards we forgot to take care of ourselves; in fact we forgot what taking care of ourselves meant.

If I’m being honest that’s not how I forgot about myself; life happened. Being a first time parent is hard for any couple (married or not) and a little harder as a single parent. I didn’t mean to forget about me, I just didn’t know how to adjust to my role as a mom; then my role as a working mom; then my role as a single mom….and ultimately “me” didn’t make the priority list. My journey towards making myself a priority started with me going to counseling. I remember one day talking to my therapist extremely frustrated about only God knows what because at the moment I don’t remember; what I do remember is my therapist looking at me and asking “when do you make time for you?” I laughed and told her that wasn’t an option; there was no one else to do all the “things that needed to be done; no one else to take care of my son and so I had to suck it up and keep moving.” She looked at me crazily and told me things would always need to get done but I had to make time for myself. I responded ” I’m here aren’t I? And that was that.

Flash forward about ten months to the day my therapist discharged me, she looked at me and said “come a long way promise me you wont go back to absolutely no me time.” I looked at her and told her I promised not to revert back to not even being a priority on my list. That was November ish, at that time I was making time for myself maybe two times per week…maybe…. but certainly once lo!! As you can see nothing grand but it was a heck of a start.

Last December I purposely told myself I was going to do something everyday towards enjoyment or relaxation. Sure I enjoy my son but I also want to do something specifically with me in mind. With that I decided I wanted to get back to reading; I’d start with a daily devotional …something uplifting and to continue feeding my spirit and hopefully move from my devotional to a book. I’d been listening to a podcast at least three times each week for about the last year now… so I decided to move that to five times each week.

Today I was having a conversation with a friend who asked what I was doing and my list included working from home; laundry; cooking; keeping my son busy; taking the Christmas tree down; and a few other things. I was like yea its a pretty busy day; my friend in turn goes “yup, that’s parenting, it’s always something.” For some reason today that clicked. I don’t know why but after two years it made sense. Y’all seriously, something will ALWAYS need to be done; it is up to you to carve out time for yourself. Self care doesn’t have to be elaborate, today I legit had a cup of tea while indulging in MSNBC (very relaxing right? don’t judge me lol) but that was it and I wouldn’t have gotten that had I not been intentional.

After today’s revelation I thoroughly believe self care is a mindset. It is something you must believe you need and deserve; then be intentional about getting it. Parents (all parents) I know you think there’s no time for it but you must make the time. You are such a better version of yourself for your family, and kids when you tend to your own needs. You’re less frustrated; more relaxed; happier; and healthier when you tend to yourself. No matter what your definition of self care is you have to be purposeful and intentional in getting your time in. It will be one of the most important things you do for yourself. It took me two years but I finally learned my lesson.

Lessons for 2020

1 Reply

If I had to characterize 2019 in one word that word would be growth. If you’ve been reading the blog from the beginning or even read the entire thing in one week I think it was clear how over time my perspective; comfort level; and acceptance of things began to change. I’m  extremely appreciative for my growth and even more appreciative that I was able to understand and realize that it was a year of growth…and a few set ups as well. Upon examining a few highlights of the year I discovered a reoccurring theme; selectivity. Had I not been down right stubborn and ultra selective about some things I’m not sure they would’ve turned out the way they did. I then wondered why was it a huge shock that being selective was the difference maker in a lot of situations; I’ve always been extremely selective, it’s one of my strengths. Yet, something seemed different about my selectivity this year. It felt as if I almost had to force myself to be selective and therefore needed to celebrate the fact that I followed through.

Then it hit me, being selective was extremely hard for me last year AND many times I had to fight myself to even do it! What changed? Why was I now seemingly forcing myself into something I’d always done? The answer, MOTHERHOOD and not just any motherhood SINGLE MOTHERHOOD! As parents we’re expected to sacrifice for our children, but as single mothers(and I suspect fathers as well) it gets to a point where it appears that ALL you do is sacrifice. In my case I always put myself last and that’s if I ended up on the list at all. Yes, I have a support system but it’s relatively small and if it seems as though I’m exhausting my support system my mind automatically defaults to settling. Settling because “this is a temporary fix”; settling because I feel/felt alone or have to do things on my own; settling because “it just needs to get done.” My inner self wouldn’t allow me to “settle” and so while having internal battles; doubts; and while often hoping, praying I didn’t lose out on one option to get to what I deemed a better option I…was selective!!

And…it…WORKED!!!!! For example, my job situation this year has been nothing short of interesting. I began the year at a company that attempted to rob me of my work life balance; while attempting to tear into my confidence. For a few months I stayed. I stayed while they stressed me out; gave me terrible reviews; took me away from my child by lengthening my hours AND calling while I was at home with him. I looked into some other jobs and even my current career but thought “no this is a battle I can win” so I stayed. One day I realized my peace wasn’t worth that job so I decided to take that leap of faith quit my job and get my Real Estate license. It was a risky yet calculated move and it paid off. 

I also became more selective about who I allowed in my space. Easiest example being my son’s father. After 6-7 months of talking once a month (more like arguing once a month about whose fault it was that we were in that situation) I decided he no longer deserved to be in my space. He was a disruptor of my peace. If we’re only talking once a month but in those times you aren’t making arrangements to visit your child; you’re not asking what he needs; not paying for anything pertaining to him…why am I allowing you to continue taking my peace?!? I honestly can’t make you want to be a father; I can only extend a functional co-parenting space so much. The decision to be involved is and was on him. So why was I sacrificing my peace in an effort to get him involved? I decided to discontinue further communication with him until he reached out AND unless it was about our son. Seven months later and we still aren’t talking BUT I’m at peace.

Around September Real Estate began to slow down, totally normal and thus began my search for a part time job. I had standards though; I needed to be off by 5pm; I couldn’t work weekends; and I needed to be paid a minimum of $17/hour. I knew my expenses upfront, I knew what I needed to bring in to supplement my real estate income; and most importantly I knew even with the addition of another job I needed to be a present parent. I applied for several jobs; got called for a lot of interviews; turned down a decent portion of those interviews; went to the other half and was offered the job but turned it down after finding out some of the unlisted logistics. At the end of the day these jobs were not in my parameters, they didn’t fit my needs, some of them would’ve created a larger need; and they would’ve taken me away from my son. These positions weren’t right for me, yet without any external pressure I found myself wondering if I was doing the right thing and sometimes stressed and impatient with the process. It was here that I considered settling. Maybe a little extra income was better than no extra income. Maybe I was being too picky; was I really in a position to be so selective? All types of questions. Inspite of my doubts I stuck to my guns and refused to settle. I ended up getting a part time (sort of independent contractor still) position that pays a little more than what I need; has the perfect hours: and allows me to be with my son. All because I was selective. 

My reflection period caused me to realize that selectivity enabled me to regain peace; independence of time; pay bills without worrying; and be a present, involved mother to my son. The same thing I was afraid would be a hindrance helped! While I understand why single parents have more doubts; are sometimes reserved in their decision making process; and feel safer settling  I also now understand why it’s so important to fight those feelings and be selective!! It’s intimidating as ever when there’s more than your own life and wellbeing at stake but it has to be done. If we settle we’re actually relinquishing our joy and peace. By settling we’re also indirectly teaching our children that it’s alright to settle. We’re teaching them to live by fear instead of faith. That’s not a lesson I want my child to learn, that’s not what I want him to believe. 

In closing as 2019 ends and 2020 begins I am thankful for 2019 and it’s many lessons; I’m thankful for what I realized were a number of highs. I’m thankful that I learned early in my single parent journey and will continue to mindfully execute selectivity in the future

Cheers to 2020

Still Thankful

Leave a reply

About a month ago I was in an interesting mental and emotional space, my mom noticed it and challenged me to write out a list of all of my blessings(at least the ones I could recounts over the last two years. Once I got started I never actually made it to 2017 and it took up half of my day. As I sat reflecting on my list I was extremely appreciative of her challenge to me. As a single mom it’s so easy to focus on the hurdles of parenting and your situation until you forget to be thankful for your blessings. Since then not only have I been more cognizant of my blessings and acknowledging when I’m thankful and appreciative of others but some things have transpired that I am just thankful for. Check out my latest list of things I’m thankful for:

1) I’m officially comfortable on my own skin. The day before Thanksgiving my son’s daycare hosted it’s annual Pre-Thanksgiving Play and Luncheon. I’m pretty sure I was the only single parent there, and if I wasn’t I was certainly the only person there by myself. The other parents brought the whole family, and knew parents of other children. Now last year this situation would’ve made me so uncomfortable but this year I gave not one care(inserts shrug). I was so cool with it, I recorded his play; sat and ate lunch and even mingled with the other parents. It just felt great to be comfortable in my skin!! Huge accomplishment and blessing!

2)I’m thankful that while I think I’m ready to attempt another relationship I refuse to rush into something just to say I’m with someone! This is another huge blessing for me. In my 20s I would’ve rushed into a relationship or started talking to a million different people just because I “felt ready”. In my 30s I’ve learned that feeling ready and waiting patiently for the right person are totally different things. There are people interested in me but our goals don’t match up so there’s no point in wasting my time. At this stage in my life I want to take my time, not waste my time, and actually listen to and watch people before I hop into anything. Major growth!

3)Rejection! Another thing I’m grateful for lolbs! I had a gentleman tell me he didn’t see us getting married and starting a family. I am SO happy he said that in the “getting to know you phase.” Again I’m dating (at some point) to eventually marry, if you can’t see yourself marrying me because I already have a kid we don’t even need to date. Thank you for not wasting my time. #movingforward

4)Selectivity! I’m a some what new Real Estate agent and well holiday season can be a tad slow. With my son’s birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas approaching I started looking for part time gigs in September. As of Veteran’s Day I still hadn’t found anything. Normally the thought of not having a job and knowing all of that was approaching would’ve caused a sheer panic leading me to take whatever came my way. That wasn’t the case this year. I had set parameters that needed to be met and I wasn’t willing to budge on those boundaries. Instead of panicking and acting out of fear I turned down interviews and offers that didn’t meet my criteria. I took my time, stayed focused, stuck to a strict budget and the week before Thanksgiving was blessed with a job that fits my criteria. The opportunity is perfect and I’m glad I didn’t panic.

5)Cuddle Moments: I confess I was not a huge fan of my son sleeping in my bed even a few months ago. He has a bed, I have a bed, I wanted him to stay in his bed….besides he sleeps wild as the devil. I realized at the beginning of this month that he’s only getting older. Soon he won’t want to sleep with me, or have me around. Once I realized that I began to enjoy our co-sleeping way more. He won’t always be young, and he won’t always be infatuated with his mommy! I’m gonna enjoy this.

ok guys I have to get ready for a quick tour, promise to come back and close this out. There are about 5 more things I’m thankful for.

Untitled and Incomplete.

2 Replies

A year ago when I became a single mom I knew that it meant all the responsibility for my son now rested on my shoulders but I’m not sure I understood in its entirety what being a single mom meant! Sounds stupid right, especially considering I was raised by a single mom but well it’s true. To a certain extent I had no clue what I was getting into. 

One such way being a single parent unexpectedly affected my life was my career. Prior to the birth of my son I’d been in the fitness industry for 5-7 years. I’d matriculated from Certified Personal Trainer to Personal Training Director, Team Manager, and even full time business owner. Business wasn’t booming as I was about 2 years in but I was certainly picking up steam (adding clients, and pathways to earn revenue)   and I absolutely loved being my own boss. I’d picked up a part time job with a park district to increase my exposure and experiences…things were coming along nicely. Once I found out I was pregnant I began to taper off in order to focus on preparing for my son afterall I only had about 7 weeks to get everything ready; but in true perfectionist form I had an extremely aggressive return to work date. I believe it was 8 weeks tops…..8 weeks that my boss at my part time job FORCED me to take(I taught fitness classes until I was 28weeks pregnant). My baby boy was born in November of 2017 and in my mind I was going back to work in January of 2018. In reality his birth was the beginning of my change. In spite of the fact that I worked out throughout my pregnancy; had a non complicated vaginal birth; only 2 stitches; no PPD; and no real breastfeeding issues I. WAS. EXHAUSTED!!!!! Those 2 months seemed to fly by…..and I dreaded going back to the park district.  I was just honestly too tired, however because I’d decided to give my business a break in efforts to bond with my son and learn my new role as mom I forced my exhausted self to get back to work (back to teaching fitness classes). 

From January 2018 to November 2018 I got up to teach my 5:45 am classes twice a week. Some days I went to class off thirty minutes of sleep; other days I got to class five minutes late because I’d drift off or had to stop to nurse. My level of exhaustion intensified and even now I have no clue why I never cut my loses. I remember the moms in the class telling me “three months is the sweet spot, he’ll decrease night feedings and begin to sleep longer.” I naively waited for his three month birthday and decrease in night wakings but it never happened! As if being mildly irritated that he didn’t decrease on night feedings my son hit the dreaded four month sleep regression AND began teething at the same time. The time of my classes compounded with my sleepless nights was really wearing me down. I thought “once he starts solids(6months) he’ll sleep better at least 4 hours a night.” Well not so much! He started solids and would sleep maybe 3 hours at a time provided he wasn’t in pain from teething. And because his 6 month birthday (May) starts my summer class schedule (4-5 more classes a week) I never actually reaped the benefits of his slightly longer sleep patterns. Did I mention he hit the 6 month sleep regression as well?! By now I know you’re wondering what this has to do with my being a single mom….but stick with me it’ll connect shortly. Fast forward to the end of summer 2018 I realized I was exhausted and burned out from the park district so while keeping that job; I decided to do a soft launch back into my fitness business but with a mild redirect AND pick up a full time job. I didn’t want to quit my part time out of loyalty; I wanted to get back to my business but now change my target population to new(er) moms but with a mouth to feed I couldn’t wait for the slow trickle of income….hence the full time job. Little did I know this was the beginning of the end

In August of 2018 I both started my new business venture launching a survey and newsletter AND I started a full time job. During the interview I told the management company I was a new mom of a young child and that I was the primary care giver. I asked how would my potential absences due to my child be reflected upon and a few other questions that I just don’t remember. I was told “oh well the Property Management will understand and the company is parent friendly.” This was certainly tested about 2 weeks after being hired as my child’a daycare center called me saying he has a fever and was vomiting. Long story short I missed two days on mommy duty. Again in October I was called while at work because my child was was sick, again I had to leave…only this time I didn’t need to miss a day. I did come to work late or leave early due to doctor’s appointments. Again in December I missed two days due to an ear infection. What I am not reflecting is I always made up my work, worked from home on days that I was absent; and always took the proper protocol to report an absence. 

After four months apparently it was decided my being a mom and having to take care of my child on demand was an issue. I couldn’t be fired because my job performance wasn’t the issue, but the Property Management team decided to make my life a living hell until I quit. 

Ultimately in April of 2019 I decided it was time to let go. I was at peace with my decision; I had a plan that was ready in action; and after making that decision I no longer felt stressed. There was a gigantic sense of relief. 

I learned two lessons: one, irregardless of what employers say most of them are NOT family friendly. My experience showed me that most companies are so out of touch with what it takes to be a parent these days and they’re practices reflect that. What is any parent of an infant, toddler,  or preschooler to do with 10 PTO days? PTO included both sick and vacation days, it’s not practical for any two parent household; I don’t have an adjective for what it is to any single parent household. Secondly, through this experience I learned being a single mom meant more than just “having the financial responsibilities and decision making burden on my shoulders”, it meant being the ONLY person my son had to rely on. That entailed: sick duty; pick ups and drip offs: advocating on his behalf; and etc. For some reason my career in fitness was one thing I didnt think would change when I became a mother and yet it was one of the main things that needed to change in order to give my son a better life. 

As a single parent what I needed was a job that understood my role as a parent; a job that gave me both the time freedom that I needed as well as the ability to maximize my earnings while working. It was then that I learned a high percentage of moms are independent contractors. I laughed when I read this stat because well my next career path was as a Real Estate agent. 

Baby Shark

Leave a reply

This is NOT an ad lol! However, the live show is where all of the reflecting you’re about to read about took place, so it was only fitting to entitle this blog “Baby Shark.”

To kick off my son’s birthday celebration we went to see Baby Shark Live. The show was actually good. As I sat there singing along and enjoying the fact that my son was happy to be there I began to reminisce. It was just a year ago that we kicked off his birthday celebration with Sesame Street Live. At that time all of the drama that forced me to become a single parent had just happened like all of 2 days before the show, sitting there in a family environment where I saw other “complete” families (both parents) enjoying family time with their children was a complete gut punch. Being there with my married friend and her two children(thank God her husband wasn’t with us) was indeed a second gut punch. Pulling out of the gathering wasn’t an option as one it was my idea to take the children; and two my son LOVES Sesame Street. My only choice was to sit there in agony, stone faced, and emotionless so that my son could enjoy the show and not catch on that something was wrong with his mom. This was the first of several family outings that caused me indescribable pain.

Baby Shark and Mommy Shark…appropriate picture right?

Baby Shark was different on many levels, for starters it was the first outing with only my son and myself and where I didn’t feel like a failure or want to cry because I was around other families. Earlier this summer I blogged about having accepted what my complete family looked like; so I was keenly aware that as long as my mom was with my son and I my idea of what my family looked liked was clear and acceptable. I honestly wasn’t too sure nor did I put any thought into how I would feel in a family environment with just the two of us. I was ecstatic that I felt so comfortable with “the single mom family picture” as well. Being able to accept, and enjoy where, what, and who you are is an amazing feeling AND a huge accomplishment.

Secondly, Baby Shark was different because I didn’t feel alone. Sure I wasn’t actually alone but single parents you know what I mean. I was able to interact with other parents and enjoy their company and the company of their children. There were absolutely no feelings of envy, failure, anger or regret. I was able to be in the moment with my son and enjoy the show from his vantage point. Hell for that matter I was able to enjoy it period.

Third and most important I realized that in the last year my son has not missed a beat!! When I was forced to become a single parent one of the things that scared me the most was my potential inability to give my son the childhood I wanted him to have. Y’all Baby Shark wasn’t cheap and yet we were there…with good seats might I add. My child has been to 80% of the events I wanted him to attend; he’s in swim classes; he has toys and books galore doesn’t need anything clothing wise….like he’s in a good spot materially and experience speaking; but more important than that his level of sheer joy has not wavered!!! He is as happy, and loving as he was when all of this first went down. Now that he’s talking he’s even more loving, compassionate, and funny. A year ago my main concern was that his world (Joy and peace) remained the same and watching him at Baby Shark gave me confirmation that it had. Nothing made me happier.

In closing the last year if my life has been extremely hard. Accepting who I was forced to become; the depth of the responsibilities I bore; adapting and changing my life on the fly; loving my new identity…..finding my new identity; letting go of the past; mentally and emotionally healing none of this has been easy BUT it’s been worth it. A year ago one year seemed like an extremely long time to still be finding and learning to accept myself but now I understand that it takes time. Progress takes time, healing takes time…this is by no means an overnight process. Whoever you are if you’re reading this and you feel broken and feel as if you have no clue how you will make it through the next day hold your head up and keep pushing!!! It doesn’t happen over night but you eventually cry less; at some point you begin to notice there is some progress, some movement…. don’t focus on a long outlook. Take it one day at a time and don’t worry about set backs, they happen it you will move forward. You will heal!!!

The Power of An Apology

Leave a reply

During today’s session with my therapist she did something that I never expected and well my reaction to her unexpected action was also unexpected. We’ll get there in due time as it’s important to give a little background for today’s session and occurrences

A little over a year ago when I began seeing my therapist I wasn’t necessarily closed minded to the idea of therapy but I certainly had restrictions on what I was willing to talk about; and I was very strict in the timeframe I thought things should be done. Restrictions: we will only talk about what brought me here AKA everything that transpired within the last month(October 2018), I DO NOT wanna talk about the 18 years my ex and I invested into one another before my child was born. My timeframe: if you can heal me within 6-8 weeks that’d be great!! I quickly learned my timeline was unrealistic but my therapist being good at her job never pushed for the 18 year history between my ex and I. She went where I allowed, pushed as much as possible in those spaces, but always respected my boundaries and never traversed into my “off limit zone”. A year later after she and I were extremely comfortable with one another and after she felt I’d made a decent amount of progress she asked if we could talk about just the year leading into my pregnancy. She said  although we’d made loads of progress she felt we might be able to make more if I would open up to talking about the pregnancy. I didn’t really want to do that especially since I felt like I was in a really good space but decided if it could enhance my healing why not. 

Over the last month or so we’ve been revisiting my pregnancy: the great times my ex and I had together (before learning I was pregnant); his schizophrenic change up after finding out I was pregnant; the broken promises; missed events; missed birth and my feelings about all of it. I have to admit speaking about the good times made me miss him and remember how much I love him. It made me think I was crazy to still love someone who switched up but it’s hard to rid yourself of 18 years of memories and experiences in just two years. I was suddenly crying all the time, every strong emotion made me cry. Then we got to the dark spots and while discussing those points didn’t make me hate him; didnt make me feel stupid; and didnt depress me it brought about other strong feelings: Some times pain,; some times wondering how I didn’t see this coming; and honestly some times peace because the peace reminded me that I made the right decision in putting all of this behind me and moving forward. 

Throughout this process I could see my therapist empathizing with me, feeling my pain and understanding the weight of carrying this issue however, today was very different. Today I discussed in detail my son’s birth, and the few days afterwards and I could see her holding back tears…then…it happened. Once I was done talking my therapist apologized!!! I was so taken aback that I couldn’t even say thank you. She apologized!!! How crazy is that?!?! My ex hasn’t even apologized for his inability and unwillingness to connect with us; for not prioritizing us; and for the “lie” that separated us for good. Honestly when all the drama kicked off he told me he had nothing to apologize for so imagine how I felt having had someone FINALLY apologize to me about this….hell all of it. Imagine how it felt to have someone actually understand my pain, understand why I felt there was nothing more for me to do; and understand how broken I was by his (in)actions. 

I didn’t know how to feel, I’m honestly still processing it. My emotions range from relief: to shock; to freedom; to finality….so much. In my quest to move forward I’d resigned to forgive him in spite of his ability to apologize so I never expected one…..and certainly not from her. Even though she isn’t the person that inflicted the pain her apology unleashed a new level of healing….again something else I’m attempting to process. I don’t know what this new wave of healing means, I have no idea what will become of it but it’s clearly something I didn’t know I needed and for that I thank her. 

And Now We Celebrate

Leave a reply

As I stated in the previous blog, I was over it. Over arguing with someone I wasn’t with, over arguing with someone who continuously showed he didn’t want to co-parent, over overextending myself to make sure he understood he was wanted and needed as a parent…just over it!! I was driving myself nuts trying to make the best of this situation for my son and not realizing that I wasn’t my best self for him because I was allowing my emotional boundaries to be overstepped. I remember walking into my therapist’s office and proclaiming “IM DONE!!!” She didn’t even ask with what, she said finally!!! Then she told me she was glad I finally learned I couldn’t make my son’s father want to be there AND I had no reason to feel guilty. That was an extremely freeing moment!! We’re celebrating that lol! I finally figured out his absence wasn’t my fault, I did everything I could. I wasn’t shutting the door on my son’s ability to have a relationship with him because there was no relationship to be had. Once I let go of that guilt I actually cut him completely off. The conversations we were having weren’t helping my son, they weren’t helping me so why was I still allowing them? Yup, done. Cut him right off….talk about peace.

You know what else we’re celebrating? We’re celebrating the fact that I am finally happy with my family as is. Yes, it took some time; I mourned what I lost, my possible future with this man; I mourned the loss of my ideal family; I mourned my child not having a father but then..I became content(I actually blogged about it this sometime this summer). Instead of focusing on what I lost I decided to focus on what I had…which is a mom who LOVES spending time with her grandson, and loves helping out. I had cousins who love him and don’t mind the fact that he’s always with me; I had my sister and best friends who were there for whatever my son and I needed. Realizing that I had just as much if not more than what I lost gave me a new found hope and thus was and is worth celebrating.

I switched careers and am handling ALL of the financial responsibilities for my son on my own. I’m not so much basking in the fact that I have to handle all the financial responsibility for my son on my own( that’s something I forgive my son’s father for daily in order to keep from being pissed) but I’m basking in the fact that I had the ABILITY to switch to a career that was more parent friendly, and in switching careers I am able to handle everything I need to. Now I could write an entire blog about hits point alone but I’ll try not to(today anyway). Like so many single parents I thought about going for child support. I even filled out the application but I never pursued it beyond that. At the end of the day I don’t want him to think he has rights to my child because he sends a check. Just wasn’t what I wanted to do. Even though I decided not to pursue child support I still felt bad and even angry on a monthly basis….specifically if I was paying daycare tuition or if something popped up unexpectedly that my child needed. I remember getting so pissed off and cussing him as I struggled to figure out how to maneuver the money I had. One day I was having a conversation with one of my married friends and daycare tuition came up and she spoke about how her and her husband didn’t want to have more children because the cost of daycare was too much….how paying for one child was a balancing act for them. Now I wasn’t happy that they found themselves balancing money BUT hearing that made me feel good to know that even with a co-parent I still would’ve dealt with the same issues. So I’m celebrating!!! I’m overcame my anger, and frustrations around this part of single parenting and found a way to get it done!

You know what else we’re celebrating? We’re celebrating that my child hasn’t missed a beat!! My child has so many great experiences, he’s so happy and I was honest afraid he’d miss that. He has done so much in his almost two years of life. He’s gone to sporting events both pro and collegiate; he’s been to amusement parks; live shows; concerts; museums; zoos…all the kid hotspots lol! He seriously hasn’t missed a beat. The only reason we haven’t gone out of town yet is because I switched jobs…..and daycare tuition could care less that I was between careers Lolbvvs! So many toddlers only have material things: clothes, shoes, toys. It meant to much to me to give him experiences and I admit I was afraid that would decrease or not happen at all once his father left us.

We’re going to celebrate the fact that my stalker popped up at my house( and yes my son’s father knew this was an issue way before my son was conceived) and I was able to secure protection for my son and I by myself. Scary as hell, but guess what it needed to be done so I got it done. The last time I got an Order of Protection against this stalker my son’s father was with me every step of the way, it was so different going to the police stations and court dates by myself. I won’t lie, even getting my weapon and going to the classes was tough and intimidating but at the end of the day my son needed protecting and I wasn’t going to let him down. I’m proud of myself for the courage it took to do it alone.

I’m celebrating the fact that this same stalker decide to release via social media some extra old ( dry close to 10 years) videos of he and I being intimate…and Instead of cowering down and looking for someone to hold me down and remind me of who I am, and help me protect my son I held my head up and endured the situation alone. Now please believe me it was t easy. I was already emotionally battered and warn from the single parent situation, I was insecure about being a single parent and trying to find my identity as a single parent so that was not something I had room on my emotional plate for. In fact I had no tolerance whatsoever for this, but I had to find the strength to push through this as well. Thank God for His strength and again my core group of friends. Not sure how else I would’ve made it through that ordeal.

Stalker nonsense aside, I am also celebrating the fact that men still find me desirable. Yes, I won’t lie once my son’s father left I temporarily gave up on marriage. I thought no one could or would ever want me because I was now damaged goods. I figured no man would want to be bothered with the perceived drama of dealing with another man. I’m sure hare reading this and wondering wth is wrong with me, but remember this guy was my first love, we planned on getting married…and this thought was planted in my head since high school. In my mind when he left he took that possibility with him. I was so broken. I am thankful because one I didn’t hop into anything right after this went down….so no rebound dude issues (a previous break up with my son’s father is how I got the stalker in the beginning) that was growth. But also, at the right time God sent men along to remind me that I was still beautiful, and intelligent, still had a good head on my shoulders…and that have a child didn’t make me less desirable BUT them seeing how I was with my child made me MORE desirable. Now those potential relationships didn’t work out but I don’t feel as if they were meant to work. I feel like those dudes were sent to show me that at the appropriate time God will send the man who will love me the way Christ loves the church, He’ll send someone who will be happy with me and treat my son as if he has his DNA. That restoration of confidence is worth celebrating.

What I am most proud of myself for, what I celebrate the most is no matter how depressed I was, how down I felt, no matter how insecure I might’ve been, no matter how angry I was on the inside….my countenance remained the same. I was dying inside but laughing outside. I was dying inside but sharing, and still compassionate with others. I was doubting if I was worth marrying and would ever get married BUT able to celebrate with my girls when they got engaged! Not once did I get stingy and decide not to give to others, or decide to forgo celebrating with others. I did the opposite and gave with no grudges. I celebrated as if it were my own feat. It is this stability, this outward stability that I celebrate most. I still don’t know why I went through this. I have no clue why after 19 years my best friend, first love, and father of my child decided that he was better off doing life without my son and I but he did. I still can’t answer why we were looking for houses and talking about marriage one month and the next month he told his mother “ we took a DNA test and our son wasn’t his”. I don’t even look for answers anymore or try to understand it all. What I do know is I did my part. God told me to apologize, forgive, and seek therapy and in turn He gave me peace…not answers but peace. I am so happy and at peace with my life and the direction it’s going in. Yes, every blue moon I get down about something but I look at my son and reflect on God’s grace and know that everything will work itself out. In closing it’s my single mom-aversary and I AM celebrating!!! I am celebrating peace, joy, overcoming, and most importantly finding myself deeper in God! I’m an overcomes! I survived what tried to take me out!!! It’s a celebration MITCHES!!