Tag Archives: Self care

From “We” to “Me”

Leave a reply

When I first started my single-parent journey breaking the habit of saying “we” was not only tough, it was something I wasn’t sure would ever happen. If you’ve been with me for a while you may remember me blogging about the difficulty and how I had to change my perspective and redefine “we”. In my own experience transitioning into single parenthood comes with many redefining terms. I decided to write this blog because I wanted people to know, it does happen. It takes time, there is NO specific timeline, but it happens. There is light at the end of the tunnel. It took me about 2 years (maybe one but honestly 2020 is a blur) but I am more comfortable than ever saying “me”.

First of all, I occasionally say “we” but I know who “we” consists of. When I use the pronoun “we” I am not speaking of my child’s other parent, I am however honoring my support system and giving them credit for assisting me in whatever the task is at hand. For example, “we’ve talked to him extensively about knowing the difference between what he can and can’t control.” I didn’t make that sentence up lol, it’s from a conversation my mother and I had with my son’s teacher. However, not only was I the one that made the comment, but I also felt it was important to honor her for assisting in those conversations with him. She understood and knew what I was trying to accomplish and made it a point to reinforce the concept with him. I appreciate her efforts and the efforts of my entire support system and so yes, when appropriate I honor them in public by saying “we”.

Second, yes I have healed considerably over the last three-four years, and with that has come a different love and respect for myself and the effort I put into providing for and raising my son. I work my ass off to ensure he has everything he needs and a great portion of what he wants. Hell, if I am being completely honest homeboy has a mild sense of entitlement( something else we’re working on and that deserves a blog all of its own). I DESERVE to say “me”, “mine”, “I”, and not feel any pain or a sense of loss and I am now at a point where I respect myself and my hustle enough to be able to do so. Saying “me” and/or “I” when discussing a decision I’ve made for my son is a form of respect. I am not being prideful, but in reality, I am setting the expectation for others when they need to address me about my son, and I am also acknowledging that I am the expert when it comes to his care.

Using the pronouns “me” and “I” also remind my son who is family is. He is now old enough to understand and feel the pain of having an absentee father and while I allow him space to freely talk and express his feelings, I also want him to remember who his family consists of. At his age, it is easy to imagine a scenery where he has and lives in a nuclear family, and while he may one day get an earthly father, it hasn’t happened yet…so stay in the present. I need him to know, honor and love the family he has.

In closing, your journey will not happen the way mine did but I wanted to share there is a point where your pronouns won’t bring you pain. Remember as you continue to heal your perspective will change, and with that change of perspective comes more resolve for how you will personalize and cope through this. Take it day by day, you will eventually get there.

Self Care on a Budget

Leave a reply

One of the misconceptions about self care is you need to spend loads of money; that’s totally false. A lot of the things I do multiple times each week if not daily are either free or cheap. Here are some of the things I’ve made it a habit to incorporate into my day or week:

1)Podcasts: I try very hard to listen to one podcast each day. I’m a huge proponent of self improvement and podcasts allow you to choose what you’d like to learn that day. Aside from choosing your topic you can also decide how much of one podcast to listen to that day; some podcasts are as short as fifteen minutes while others last up to two hours. I love the fact that podcasts are mobile so I can listen to them while grocery shopping or running other errands AND best of all they’re free.

2)Daily Devotional: You can purchase one from a store or you can use the various apps on your phone/tablet. Daily devotionals help me start(or end) the day with more clarity, focus, and a sense of serenity. My favorite thing about daily devotionals is that it takes less than five minutes.

3)Yoga: YouTube!! I have a toddle…. I pay for daycare therefore I can’t see myself paying upwards of $100 monthly for pretty much anything else. YouTube Yoga works for me because it’s basically free; it’s so calming; it’s convenient(right from the comfort of my own home); and it’s something I can do with my son…again free of charge. Yoga forces me to slow down and pay attention to myself. You can grab a cheap mat from Marshalls,Target, or  Five and Below. There are quite a few channels you can subscribe to however my current fav is “Yoga With Adrienne.”

4) Workout: I’m a Certified Personal Trainer so I own some equipment , and write my own workouts. I know most people aren’t blessed to have that certification however you can also skip the gym membership and  YouTube some workouts. Blender Fitness has some really good ones. I hear Daily Burn on Roku is good but I haven’t tried them and I don’t know if there’s a fee.

5)Blog/Journal: I love sharing my experiences and revelations with you guys. Blogging and journaling serves as a good mechanism of reflection and to also allows me to see where there’s room for improvement. The worst part of journaling (for me anyway) is purchasing a journal. They can get pretty pricey. I also like gel pens and those can also get pricey. Realistically journaling is a relatively inexpensive method of self care. Pay more attention to my action not my methods(s) and need for pricey tools on this one lolbs!

6) A bath: Now that I have a toddler its a tad easier to take a bath once a week…but only once a week. I’m afraid of what he’d get into if I did this more frequently. If you like bubbles grab some or try a DIY recipe. Pinterest has some great DIY receipes and surprisingly enough you will have most of the ingredients at home.

7)Read: I’m a bookworm and love to read/learn. Being able to read for enjoyment brings about a sense of relaxation. This is where your local library comes in handy. If the library is too far or you owe too much in fines(it happens) try book swapping with your friends; a boo club; e-books (Amazon has free e-books and .$99 books); or Thriftbooks.com

8)Movies: Specifically Disney and Harry Potter lol! Both take me back to my childhood and bring a smile to my face. I know them word for word but it doesn’t matter they make me happy. Oh, add Shrek 1 and 2 to this as well.

9)Good Friends: this one is a work of progress for me, not because I don’t have good friends but because I tend not to make time to see them. I’m getting better. I’ve been extremely mindful this year to hang out once a month with my cousins or friends. Most of the time our adventures are reasonably priced. They range from going to Sephora to try on different shades of lipstick; game nights; me cooking for everyone and having them come over…usually nothing extravagant; but the bonds; the friend/kinsmenship; and the laughs are both cathartic and endless.

10)Laughter: It’s the best medicine; a happy heart is a light heart. You don’t have to go to a comedy show (even though that would be great) to achieve this one. You can YouTube; Podcast; or just call a friend. Try to laugh once a day, it will just make you feel better.

Bonus Tip:

11)Social Media Detox: Being completely honest I deactivated and deleted my Facebook and Instagram accounts in 2018 after all the craziness with my son’s father went down. Originally it was just to keep my emotions as in check as possible but it turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. My spirit feels so clean and free; and I also don’t feel the “need” to check and see what others are doing or to post what I’m doing. It was a freeing experience and I highly recommend it. Currently I have an Instagram to follow the children’s places and activities in the city but that’s it. I don’t make posts and none of my friends know about the account and follow me.

In conclusion Self Care is really quite simple once you become intentional about doing it. You don’t have to start with everyday, you can start by doing something for yourself once a month and gradually increase. I gave a list of some of the things I do but don’t stop here, find things that make you happy and bring you a sense of peace and indulge. If you’re a SAHM all of the listed activities can be done with kids; while they’re napping; or while running errands. Trust me my son has indulged in “Ma, Ma, Ma” so many times during Yoga and I politely ignored him and kept practicing. Eventually he caught the hint and started doing it with me. You will now catch him in “downward dog” almost anywhere. Your kids will understand as long as you set and be intentional about your self care boundary. In the end they will also thank you because you will have indirectly taught them to value their emotional and mental health as well.

Self Care

Leave a reply

Self Care has been one of the trending topics for a few years now. I believe part of the reason this is the case is because society drives us(probably more the case for millennial and Gen Z-ers) parents and to “have it all” meaning we’re expected to over excel in all areas of life: school; career; dating/married life; parenting; social life; physical appearance; have an amazing bank account; drive the latest car; take trips; rock the freshest clothes; exercise; drink water; and sleep. Oh and of course post your entire life and all of it’s details on social media. How?!?!?! Somewhere along the lines while trying to live up to society’s standards we forgot to take care of ourselves; in fact we forgot what taking care of ourselves meant.

If I’m being honest that’s not how I forgot about myself; life happened. Being a first time parent is hard for any couple (married or not) and a little harder as a single parent. I didn’t mean to forget about me, I just didn’t know how to adjust to my role as a mom; then my role as a working mom; then my role as a single mom….and ultimately “me” didn’t make the priority list. My journey towards making myself a priority started with me going to counseling. I remember one day talking to my therapist extremely frustrated about only God knows what because at the moment I don’t remember; what I do remember is my therapist looking at me and asking “when do you make time for you?” I laughed and told her that wasn’t an option; there was no one else to do all the “things that needed to be done; no one else to take care of my son and so I had to suck it up and keep moving.” She looked at me crazily and told me things would always need to get done but I had to make time for myself. I responded ” I’m here aren’t I? And that was that.

Flash forward about ten months to the day my therapist discharged me, she looked at me and said “come a long way promise me you wont go back to absolutely no me time.” I looked at her and told her I promised not to revert back to not even being a priority on my list. That was November ish, at that time I was making time for myself maybe two times per week…maybe…. but certainly once lo!! As you can see nothing grand but it was a heck of a start.

Last December I purposely told myself I was going to do something everyday towards enjoyment or relaxation. Sure I enjoy my son but I also want to do something specifically with me in mind. With that I decided I wanted to get back to reading; I’d start with a daily devotional …something uplifting and to continue feeding my spirit and hopefully move from my devotional to a book. I’d been listening to a podcast at least three times each week for about the last year now… so I decided to move that to five times each week.

Today I was having a conversation with a friend who asked what I was doing and my list included working from home; laundry; cooking; keeping my son busy; taking the Christmas tree down; and a few other things. I was like yea its a pretty busy day; my friend in turn goes “yup, that’s parenting, it’s always something.” For some reason today that clicked. I don’t know why but after two years it made sense. Y’all seriously, something will ALWAYS need to be done; it is up to you to carve out time for yourself. Self care doesn’t have to be elaborate, today I legit had a cup of tea while indulging in MSNBC (very relaxing right? don’t judge me lol) but that was it and I wouldn’t have gotten that had I not been intentional.

After today’s revelation I thoroughly believe self care is a mindset. It is something you must believe you need and deserve; then be intentional about getting it. Parents (all parents) I know you think there’s no time for it but you must make the time. You are such a better version of yourself for your family, and kids when you tend to your own needs. You’re less frustrated; more relaxed; happier; and healthier when you tend to yourself. No matter what your definition of self care is you have to be purposeful and intentional in getting your time in. It will be one of the most important things you do for yourself. It took me two years but I finally learned my lesson.