Tag Archives: redemption

The Power of An Apology

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During today’s session with my therapist she did something that I never expected and well my reaction to her unexpected action was also unexpected. We’ll get there in due time as it’s important to give a little background for today’s session and occurrences

A little over a year ago when I began seeing my therapist I wasn’t necessarily closed minded to the idea of therapy but I certainly had restrictions on what I was willing to talk about; and I was very strict in the timeframe I thought things should be done. Restrictions: we will only talk about what brought me here AKA everything that transpired within the last month(October 2018), I DO NOT wanna talk about the 18 years my ex and I invested into one another before my child was born. My timeframe: if you can heal me within 6-8 weeks that’d be great!! I quickly learned my timeline was unrealistic but my therapist being good at her job never pushed for the 18 year history between my ex and I. She went where I allowed, pushed as much as possible in those spaces, but always respected my boundaries and never traversed into my “off limit zone”. A year later after she and I were extremely comfortable with one another and after she felt I’d made a decent amount of progress she asked if we could talk about just the year leading into my pregnancy. She said  although we’d made loads of progress she felt we might be able to make more if I would open up to talking about the pregnancy. I didn’t really want to do that especially since I felt like I was in a really good space but decided if it could enhance my healing why not. 

Over the last month or so we’ve been revisiting my pregnancy: the great times my ex and I had together (before learning I was pregnant); his schizophrenic change up after finding out I was pregnant; the broken promises; missed events; missed birth and my feelings about all of it. I have to admit speaking about the good times made me miss him and remember how much I love him. It made me think I was crazy to still love someone who switched up but it’s hard to rid yourself of 18 years of memories and experiences in just two years. I was suddenly crying all the time, every strong emotion made me cry. Then we got to the dark spots and while discussing those points didn’t make me hate him; didnt make me feel stupid; and didnt depress me it brought about other strong feelings: Some times pain,; some times wondering how I didn’t see this coming; and honestly some times peace because the peace reminded me that I made the right decision in putting all of this behind me and moving forward. 

Throughout this process I could see my therapist empathizing with me, feeling my pain and understanding the weight of carrying this issue however, today was very different. Today I discussed in detail my son’s birth, and the few days afterwards and I could see her holding back tears…then…it happened. Once I was done talking my therapist apologized!!! I was so taken aback that I couldn’t even say thank you. She apologized!!! How crazy is that?!?! My ex hasn’t even apologized for his inability and unwillingness to connect with us; for not prioritizing us; and for the “lie” that separated us for good. Honestly when all the drama kicked off he told me he had nothing to apologize for so imagine how I felt having had someone FINALLY apologize to me about this….hell all of it. Imagine how it felt to have someone actually understand my pain, understand why I felt there was nothing more for me to do; and understand how broken I was by his (in)actions. 

I didn’t know how to feel, I’m honestly still processing it. My emotions range from relief: to shock; to freedom; to finality….so much. In my quest to move forward I’d resigned to forgive him in spite of his ability to apologize so I never expected one…..and certainly not from her. Even though she isn’t the person that inflicted the pain her apology unleashed a new level of healing….again something else I’m attempting to process. I don’t know what this new wave of healing means, I have no idea what will become of it but it’s clearly something I didn’t know I needed and for that I thank her. 

Redemption.

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Daycare is Godawful expensive!! Most people with children know and agree on that. I previously worked as a General Manager at a corporate gym and received some assistance from the state in paying for my child’s daycare. Even with receiving that assistance I still paid an additional $400/ month for daycare. There were of course other options that would’ve been fully covered  by the state but those were less than satisfactory…that’s another story altogether. About 2 months ago I received notice that my grant for daycare would cease because “I now made too much.” Out of curiosity I wondered what “too much was” so I inquired. I found out “too much” was $2500/ month in which case I realized there was no way I should’ve gotten assistance to begin with; clearly I wasn’t about to apply again. It was at this point I decided (since I was changing careers anyways to drop my son to part time daycare; this addition would allow me to save or divert to other expenses $420/month AND revive my stay at home mom status….even if it’s just part time. 

First I devised plan…you guys will learn that I HAVE to have a plan, it keeps me at calm lolbs! After figuring out which days my son would stay with me I wrote his daily daycare schedule out and inserted various events for he and I to do in the activity block. I figured if we stay on the schedule he’s accustomed to it really couldn’t be that bad. Being frugal, I also decided it would be best to alternate the distance of our activities, one of our activities would be closer to the house while the other would take us further away. 

I didn’t quite have a plan for today but ugh, well….mommy daycare it was lol! My kid, as if he wasn’t exhausted from yesterday woke up at 6:30am bright, early, and ready to go!!! Without a real plan intact Mommy Daycare was off and running! 

6:30 bath

7am breakfast and PBS

8am open play

9am outdoor play

9:30 bored child (yup, your read that right)

9:35 puzzled parent because this whole outdoor thing should’ve lasted until 9:50

9:50 sign-ups for open play at an indoor playground 

10:00 mid morning snack

10:15 head to indoor playground 

10:25 arrive at indoor playground 

10:27 toddler meltdown…not sure if he was upset that we were at an indoor playground and not daycare OR if he was pissed Babyshark went off…I think it’s the latter

10:30-11:45 SUCCESS!!! my child is happy, I’m starting a blog (I’m finishing it 12 hours later and yes I have totally forgotten the purpose of the blog)

11:50 depart indoor playground

12pm LUNCH

…..and dare I say it 12:30 NAP!! Oh thank God we made it!!!

Mama had a 1pm tour about 15 minutes away and thankfully grandma stepped in to sit with her sleeping angel. 

Maybe the point of this blog was to share that days at home with children work best when you keep them WITH other children, that way they keep one another busy. Maybe the point of this blog was to show you that you can do it Mama! After all I legit played Mommy Daycare, and worked from home and it worked itself out. Maybe, the point of the blog is to reassure you that you can be every woman in one day or that you don’t necessarily need a plan to successfully navigate it through the day…nope that wasn’t the point of the blog lol! A plan is very necessary………………………..

Something no one really knew was after spending 9 months as a “Stay at Home Mom” I mildly resented going back to work. On one hand I wanted to go back to work full time to prove to myself that I was more than “just a mom”; I also needed to go back to work full time to make ends meet. On the other hand I wanted to stay at home with my baby boy! I trusted absolutely no one to take care of him the way I did; I didn’t want to work and make money only to give a lump sum to a daycare provider; I would miss our midday adventures and hitting all the children’s spots while everyone else was working; but most of all I didn’t want to miss any of his milestones. The thought of missing his first steps; first words; not being there to potty train…all of those things frightened me. Even the thought of missing his milestones made me feel like a bad mom. 

I spent 8 months away from my baby boy working because that’s what needed to be done…..even more so now that we were on our own. By the beginning of this year what began as a cozy job with understanding management became a real headache. All of a sudden no one understood “working mom” meant mom first; no one understood young babies occasionally get sick which meant mommy needed to take a PTO day; no one understood yup, babies still have quarterly immunizations and unfortunately ER/Urgent Care visits and routine check-ups can’t be lumped into one appointment. No one understood I couldn’t be surprised with random “we need you to stay late days” because well…daycare closed at 6. No one understood yes, daycares take breaks and if no one is able to watch my child than yes, I am forced to stay at home. And certainly NO ONE understood “single mother” aka if I don’t do it no one else will..aka I don’t have help….aka I have to do this parenting thing by myself…aka yes I care about my job but I care about my child more….aka….NO, there really is no one else to help. I was miserable! Frustrated was an understatement and of course because I was frustrated at work I began taking it out on my child. Not physically but I certainly didn’t have the patience required to deal with a toddler. 

One of my extremely close friends knew I was miserable and suggested a job change, something with more of a time flexibility that allowed me to maximize my income while working but still provided time flexibility. She has two amazing children, she’s very rarely missed anything they were doing…heck even practices. She was a BOSS and an INVOLVED mom…she definitely had the lifestyle I wanted for my child…so yup, if she’s suggesting a career change and it allows me to work and be an involved parent let’s do this…..enter Real Estate. 

I’m just starting so I don’t have any highs or lows career wise to share but today I was able to take care of EVERYTHING that needed to be done: I both worked and I was Mommy, involved mommy, fun mommy. So yea, maybe someone was encouraged and inspired by the blog but (only 12hours later) as I remember the real point of the blog, it was to celebrate balance. Today, I was fully able to balance both being a mom and a career woman and it felt great!! Will it always be this easy, no. Will there be some challenges along the way. Absolutely, I’m dealing with a toddler in the throws of the terrible twos not but do I know it’s possible? Absolutely, and that’s what gives me hope, that’s what encourages me to push forward, and for the rest of the weekend (yup, def working the weekend) that’s what I’ll celebrate….knowing that it’s totally possible to be both mom and career woman.

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