Tag Archives: momprenuer

Toddlers -N- Tantrums: Return to Sender

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I’ve never been one to bash any mother’s style. I’ve been a stay at home mom; a working mom and now a work from home mom so I understand the nuisances of each situation. No matter what type of mom you are you’re an amazing mom and only you know what’s best for your family. Do NOT let anyone guilt you over your decisions. Right now I want to send a special shout out to all the stay at home moms of toddlers!!!! Jesus Christ, I have no clue how you all do it! In my book you have the patience of saints because all the random tantrums of the day…..I just can’t lolbvvs!!!!


I work from home two days out of the work week(weekends not included) and my son stays home with me on those days. Today was one of our days together and I had it all planned out. We’d get up at our normal time and head to one of the Children’s museums in the area for a fun day then come home for lunch and a nap; I even found a coupon for discounted entrance. I woke up packed his snacks; got breakfast going; everything was going according to my schedule. Apparently he had other plans because ten minutes after waking up he threw the tantrum of life. Alright, one pre-breakfast tantrum I can manage; sure I think it’s too early for this; of course I have no clue what triggered him but you know what?!? Head down and keep it moving….or at least that’s what I thought. About an hour later he threw a second tantrum (at least this time I knew why) and this one lasted one hour. Yes, you read that right it lasted one full hour of screaming “no, no”; kicking; falling out; thrashing; and flailing. I walked away from him and went to another part of the house, he brought his tantrum to me. I was beyond disappointed in his actions and decisions, not to mention he completely threw off our schedule. More than that I was embarrassed…..thoroughly embarrassed…and we hadn’t even left the house yet.

At that moment I decided a thirty-five to forty-five minute drive to a museum was out of the question. Honestly, at that moment I decided we weren’t going anywhere at all. There was no way I was taking him out of the house for him to act like that in front of people. After he finally pulled himself together I talked to him about why his behavior was inappropriate and how he could’ve hurt himself. Per usual he told me he understood. I then allowed him to watch Sesame Street while I attempted to get ready. He was so calm watching Sesame Street that I debated interrupting him just to run errands. Somewhere in there I decided we’d get out of the house by running errands and instead of the museum he’d have to settle for the park. I managed to get dressed; we got out of the house; and ran all errands with NO tantrums.

Moms, I almost lost my sanity today. His tantrums were so off the chart I almost dropped him off at daycare so I could collect myself. I certainly didn’t want to leave the house. Not leaving the house or at least not wanting to leave the house with him is becoming a reoccurring theme. Over the last two weeks his tantrums have become worse. At this point if you tell him “no” he runs into a corner screaming and acts as if you just told him you were taking all his toys away. Along with the screaming, he’s now thrashing, throwing things, kicking the bed just to much worse than what they normally were. The only thing I’m happy about is he’s not volatile to the point where he will hurt others while at the climax of his tantrums. He doesn’t listen if you tell him to stop because he’ll hurt someone else BUT he does listen if you tell him he’s going to hurt someone else. Bright spot I guess….

While tantrums are a normal part of toddlerhood they’re quickly becoming something that needs to cease. It’s extremely common for parents to feel embarrassed by their children’s tantrums and to my knowledge (I’m a first time mom so that knowledge is limited) society is just now empathizing with moms. While moms deserve the empathy unfortunately all moms/parents/guardians don’t receive said empathy. It was just a few weeks ago when video circulated social media about a young girl in Florida no older than the first grade who was arrested and booked by the police for throwing a tantrum at school(https://youtu.be/MSvWz6t3tfs). Her guardian wasn’t called until after the little girl was booked. Both the school district, and the criminal justice system failed this young girl and her family, but that’s another story altogether. With that type of repercussion there’s no way I can feel comfortable “just letting him outgrow this phase.” Again, I hate to bring race into my parenting blogs but in this instance it totally matters. My little black boy could very well go to jail for throwing a tantrum at school…which means there’s no room to allow him to outgrow this phase.

Since the beginning of his tantrum phase I’ve researched various ways to help him (and subsequently me) get through this. We need to learn self regulation as soon as possible. Here’s what I’ve read; tried; and why it’s failed (insert deep sigh)…

1)No Two Kids are alike: Of all the material I’ve read about toddlers, tantrums, and how to deal with them….none of this has worked me lolbs! Avoid tantrums by keeping the kids fed and full(more or less). This one doesn’t work for us because there are times where my son refuses to eat (toddlerhood) and well he fights a heavyweight battle to keep from going to bed every night. Yet, all the literature I’ve read suggests if you avoid your child being overly hungry or overly stimulated you should in theory be able to avoid a tantrum.

2) Time Outs May or May NOT Work: Not going to lie the leading literature suggests when placing a child in time out to use the one minute per year of age. For example, my son is 2 so 2 minutes should suffice. Well his daycare uses 5 minutes for all the preschoolers and that works there. He’s accustomed to it so there was no point in changing it. We use the same time out terminology and timeframe at home. Some days timeout works, other days not so much. Lately time out isn’t working at all. You can place him in time out, explain why he was in timeout and discuss better choices when he’s done but he comes out and does whatever he shouldn’t do all over again.

3)Ignoring my son NEVER works: You know how some articles say if you give the kid attention while throwing the tantrum that only gives them more ammunition to continue with the tantrum…well ignoring my son doesn’t work either. I happily go to another room (close by so I can monitor his tantrum) while he’s throwing said tantrum and he brings the tantrum to me. KID. YOU. NOT. if I wasn’t so frustrated right now it would actually be funny.

4)Redirection: To be very honest, when he’s older and knows when and when not to be persistent I will really appreciate his tenacity, and persistence. All that to say my son doesn’t quit; if he wants something he wants it and there is no amount of redirection that will change his mind. He’s quite the determined little person, so strong willed and focused. Again, I’ll love all of these characteristics in a few years but not at two.

5)Prayer: no article talks about this one, it’s my own little caveat. Some days we see a change in behavior when it happens…..other days it keeps me just barely patient enough to get to nap time without flipping out(inserts shrug).

In closing as you can see this was a bit of a rant blog(sorry), but I think it’ll spark a mini series on toddler discipline. I’m super curious to open discussions on how parents deal with things and see how parents feel about about societal norms, and “new school” discipline. As you can see I’m so lost(lol)!!! As for these tantrums-I have no idea how to get him through this phase. None of my research is helping; and honestly his tantrums have only gotten worse. Fellow parents, I need some help!!! What do you guys do? What have you done?!? I’m so far PAST over this. Please feel free to leave your comments in the comment section, help a Mama out!!

The Downfalls of Single Parenting: Passport Edition Part 2

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Ok; Ok; Ok it’s been over a month since I started writing this mini series: life happened. I ended up writing about some other things that occurred that I wanted to get off my chest; wrote a Valentine’s Day letter to my son; got sick as a dog and for a good two weeks couldn’t write period but I’m back and ready to wrap this series. Besides I’m sure you all want to know what I found out or decided to do.

I put my research skills to use and found not one but two different forms offered by the government for single parents of children wishing to get passports for their children. The first form is a Statement of Consent from the non-applying parent. Essentially you need the other parent to sign this form and have it notarized, then simply take it with you on the day you and your child go apply. For most co-parenting situations this form is probably ideal, unfortunately it wasn’t good enough for my situation. Sure I can suddenly call this dude and tell him I’m emailing or mailing this form to him and ask him to send it back signed and notarized but if we’re not communicating this isn’t an option. …back to researching.

There is indeed a second form and this one is perfect for my situation, it’s called the Exigent/Special Family Circumstances. Now I wish I could say its super easy to use this form but based on what I’ve read it’s not. You have to prove the person is non-responsive and you need to prove why the passport needs to be expedited. I honestly won’t try to go into too much details about this form because I don’t want to mislead anyone. Instead, if this form appeals to your situation please follow this link https://www.us-passport-service-guide.com/get-a-passport-for-a-child-under-exigent-special-family-circumstances.html

In closing, the aforementioned link will provide so much information in regards to obtaining a passport for a minor. Unfortunately it is a LOT harder for us single parents but I’m determined not to allow that to stop me from providing my child with life changing experiences. I don’t have all the answers to this issue, but I do encourage you not to be discouraged if you’re having a rough time. If you’ve already obtained your child’s passport please comment and let the rest of us know what you did. Let’s all help one another.

Growth(ish) Part 2: Real Recognize Real

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In Growth(ish) Part 1 I detailed an account of how and why I decided to skip out on a friend’s birthday party. I was really proud of myself because I could totally see the growth in my decision making process but also the growth in my comfort and acceptance of my single parent situation. Of course this means I was tested(deep sigh). It wasn’t the hardest of situations but it certainly forced me to come to grips with some things and acknowledge my feelings. Here goes…..

Quick background of that story I was invited to a party of a mutual friend of mine and my son’s father. After waiting to see if my son’s father would attend I decided not to go. It was just best for me to avoid him ESPECIALLY since he was bringing a plus one AND our mutual friend has no clue about the situation between us. Now that you’re all caught up that party took place on February 8th…..but on February 7th boy did I have the shock of a lifetime!!! My son and I were attending one of his toddler playpals’ 2nd birthday party in the south suburbs. Now you all don’t know this because I seldomly voice it but I attempt to stay away from the south side of the city, more specifically places I know my child’s father frequents. Yup, this extra huge city with over 3 million people and I tend to avoid one part of the city all to steer clear of one person…that’s an entirely different story. Any who, this was the south suburbs and at a children’s play venue…..not that I actually worried or previously thought about it but very low chance of running into that man.

My son and I are enjoying the party, the parents, the other little boys, the food (lol) and then it happened……while on the obstacle course I SWORE I saw my child’s father, and the infuriating part was he was with another child!!!!! Now, if it’s one thing I’m glad about it’s that I’ve learned to investigate before acting. Blood boiling, I quickly told my son “let’s go the other way around”, I needed to observe this man without being creepy. While on the other side of the obstacle course I watched the guy’s movements; motions; looked at his build and demeanor again; eyed the child trying to figure out where in the san-blue hell a 6-8 year old girl I knew nothing about could or would’ve come from. I contemplated how to approach him if it were actually my son’s father…..all of that occurred in less than three minutes, kid you not lol(women are great private detectives when necessary). You know what? I did all of that and it wasn’t even him!!!!! My brain, my emotions, everything was able to relax again. I was thoroughly embarrassed but able to play it off because no one knew what was going on. My son and I continued to enjoy the party and left at the end with no one, including the other guy having any idea of what transpired.

Even though I was able to save face, this occurrence really forced me to reflect on myself. Had I really healed? Was I truly over this guy? Why did the thought of him set me on edge? I realized it wasn’t the thought of seeing him that put me over the edge. I saw with my own two eyes that he was bringing someone else to a party and that didn’t affect me emotionally. I didn’t want him back; and I really have made strides in my healing. There was only one other time I got pissed at the thought of seeing him, and that too was a day I thought I saw him with another kid. That’s when I realized it wasn’t the thought of seeing him that upset me, it was the thought of him taking care of or spending time with another child that boiled my blood.

In that moment I didn’t take time to tell myself I was wrong for feeling that way, in that moment I was proud of myself for being up front and honest. Sometimes when we’re healing it’s easy to hide the truth from ourselves, I chose not to do that. Secondly, I gave myself permission to have those feelings. Are they good feelings; no. Can I control him; no….but it’s ok for me to feel the way I do. This is someone who rejected his child in every way imaginable, it makes sense for me to react strongly to that. However, now that I know and understand I have these feelings it’s something I need to work on; pray over; and perhaps even game plan how I should deal with it. It’s been about two weeks since this happened and I still don’t have a game plan for how to handle the fact that one day I may see him parenting another child. I plan to but haven’t done so yet. In fact if I’m being totally honest this is the first time I’ve openly talked/wrote about the situation. I believe this is the second step in confronting my feelings. I’ve acknowledged them, and now I’m admitting them. It may sound cliche’ but it actually feels really good to be open; in fact it’s freeing. Now I can pray over it, pray for healing of those feelings but also pray for my son’s healing in that department. If I get pissed at the possibility of seeing him parent another child I can only imagine how that will affect my son. I think I also need to pray over the characteristics of the father I desire for my child; and for my child not to feel any sense of “missing out on things/love”; and for his restoration.

The Downfalls of Single Parenting: Passport Edition

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Normally I give a nice introduction before getting into the actual plot of the story but I’m not sure there is a great way to introduce this one so I’ll hop right in. I have quite a few goals for 2020, one of which includes taking my son out of the country. I recently began researching the criteria for getting our passports and I was thoroughly upset. Long story short I found out that my son’s father needs to accompany us when we apply for his passport. Irritated is a real understatement of how that made me feel.

My son hasn’t seen or had any contact with his father in over a year. My son’s father hasn’t attempted to contact me to check on our son in eight months; he does not financially support our child; honestly my son doesn’t know his biological father from any other random man that may approach him. I’m not sure why the government feels his permission is needed he is no more a father or parent to my son than anyone running the government. Instead of following my feelings and getting pissed off I decided to research to see if there was any way around this.

First I looked for any exemptions to that rule on the website about passport information; as it stands there are no exemptions for the two parent rule but I plan on calling them anyway. I’m hoping there is some way around involving him. Secondly, I looked into petitioning him to terminate his parental rights. For me this is the best option and something I want anyway. There are so many things I want to do with my child, if “getting permission” from him to accomplish said tasks with my child will continue to be an issue let’s just terminate his rights. Again, I was left disappointed. It turns out in the state of Illinois you can’t voluntarily petition someone to terminate their parental rights. Parental rights can only be terminated one of two ways: one, there is another parent there who will become the child’s adoptive parent (essentially marriage and adoption); and two, the state brings a juvenile case against the kid. According to what I read the state feels more comfortable with each child having two parents.

From there I looked into the legal definition of abandonment. It turns out that while my son’s father fit the legal definition of child abandonment the only remedy for that (in the state of Illinois) is child support. The state of Illinois feels child support is the best way to remedy negligence; and abandonment. This is extremely frustrating!!! There are plenty of single parents in the state not all of whom want to pursue child support; I am one of them. I’m totally happy to take care of my son by myself. I don’t feel the need to pursue and force someone who willingly walked away from his child to make monthly payments and forced visitation. Seriously, let’s not create more issues…let my son and I have our peace by walking completely away from the situation. Please, let’s spare my son the emotional damage of visitation; or missed visits; or further rejection from the same person.

I know what some of you are thinking; file for sole custody….and if for some unforsaken reason I file for child support, sole custody is certainly the route I plan to take. However the issue of child support is something I’d like to avoid altogether.

As I’m writing this my only two options to remedying this passport situation are: asking him to come with us and agree to my son getting the passport (which even if I ask he won’t come….this is a man who willingly walked away from a child…he doesn’t acknowledge his birthday or Christmas, you thinking he’s meeting us for a passport-hell no); or file for child support. More than being upset I really want to find a way to handle this that doesn’t involve my son’s father or filing for child support.

Self Care on a Budget

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One of the misconceptions about self care is you need to spend loads of money; that’s totally false. A lot of the things I do multiple times each week if not daily are either free or cheap. Here are some of the things I’ve made it a habit to incorporate into my day or week:

1)Podcasts: I try very hard to listen to one podcast each day. I’m a huge proponent of self improvement and podcasts allow you to choose what you’d like to learn that day. Aside from choosing your topic you can also decide how much of one podcast to listen to that day; some podcasts are as short as fifteen minutes while others last up to two hours. I love the fact that podcasts are mobile so I can listen to them while grocery shopping or running other errands AND best of all they’re free.

2)Daily Devotional: You can purchase one from a store or you can use the various apps on your phone/tablet. Daily devotionals help me start(or end) the day with more clarity, focus, and a sense of serenity. My favorite thing about daily devotionals is that it takes less than five minutes.

3)Yoga: YouTube!! I have a toddle…. I pay for daycare therefore I can’t see myself paying upwards of $100 monthly for pretty much anything else. YouTube Yoga works for me because it’s basically free; it’s so calming; it’s convenient(right from the comfort of my own home); and it’s something I can do with my son…again free of charge. Yoga forces me to slow down and pay attention to myself. You can grab a cheap mat from Marshalls,Target, or  Five and Below. There are quite a few channels you can subscribe to however my current fav is “Yoga With Adrienne.”

4) Workout: I’m a Certified Personal Trainer so I own some equipment , and write my own workouts. I know most people aren’t blessed to have that certification however you can also skip the gym membership and  YouTube some workouts. Blender Fitness has some really good ones. I hear Daily Burn on Roku is good but I haven’t tried them and I don’t know if there’s a fee.

5)Blog/Journal: I love sharing my experiences and revelations with you guys. Blogging and journaling serves as a good mechanism of reflection and to also allows me to see where there’s room for improvement. The worst part of journaling (for me anyway) is purchasing a journal. They can get pretty pricey. I also like gel pens and those can also get pricey. Realistically journaling is a relatively inexpensive method of self care. Pay more attention to my action not my methods(s) and need for pricey tools on this one lolbs!

6) A bath: Now that I have a toddler its a tad easier to take a bath once a week…but only once a week. I’m afraid of what he’d get into if I did this more frequently. If you like bubbles grab some or try a DIY recipe. Pinterest has some great DIY receipes and surprisingly enough you will have most of the ingredients at home.

7)Read: I’m a bookworm and love to read/learn. Being able to read for enjoyment brings about a sense of relaxation. This is where your local library comes in handy. If the library is too far or you owe too much in fines(it happens) try book swapping with your friends; a boo club; e-books (Amazon has free e-books and .$99 books); or Thriftbooks.com

8)Movies: Specifically Disney and Harry Potter lol! Both take me back to my childhood and bring a smile to my face. I know them word for word but it doesn’t matter they make me happy. Oh, add Shrek 1 and 2 to this as well.

9)Good Friends: this one is a work of progress for me, not because I don’t have good friends but because I tend not to make time to see them. I’m getting better. I’ve been extremely mindful this year to hang out once a month with my cousins or friends. Most of the time our adventures are reasonably priced. They range from going to Sephora to try on different shades of lipstick; game nights; me cooking for everyone and having them come over…usually nothing extravagant; but the bonds; the friend/kinsmenship; and the laughs are both cathartic and endless.

10)Laughter: It’s the best medicine; a happy heart is a light heart. You don’t have to go to a comedy show (even though that would be great) to achieve this one. You can YouTube; Podcast; or just call a friend. Try to laugh once a day, it will just make you feel better.

Bonus Tip:

11)Social Media Detox: Being completely honest I deactivated and deleted my Facebook and Instagram accounts in 2018 after all the craziness with my son’s father went down. Originally it was just to keep my emotions as in check as possible but it turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. My spirit feels so clean and free; and I also don’t feel the “need” to check and see what others are doing or to post what I’m doing. It was a freeing experience and I highly recommend it. Currently I have an Instagram to follow the children’s places and activities in the city but that’s it. I don’t make posts and none of my friends know about the account and follow me.

In conclusion Self Care is really quite simple once you become intentional about doing it. You don’t have to start with everyday, you can start by doing something for yourself once a month and gradually increase. I gave a list of some of the things I do but don’t stop here, find things that make you happy and bring you a sense of peace and indulge. If you’re a SAHM all of the listed activities can be done with kids; while they’re napping; or while running errands. Trust me my son has indulged in “Ma, Ma, Ma” so many times during Yoga and I politely ignored him and kept practicing. Eventually he caught the hint and started doing it with me. You will now catch him in “downward dog” almost anywhere. Your kids will understand as long as you set and be intentional about your self care boundary. In the end they will also thank you because you will have indirectly taught them to value their emotional and mental health as well.

Lessons for 2020

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If I had to characterize 2019 in one word that word would be growth. If you’ve been reading the blog from the beginning or even read the entire thing in one week I think it was clear how over time my perspective; comfort level; and acceptance of things began to change. I’m  extremely appreciative for my growth and even more appreciative that I was able to understand and realize that it was a year of growth…and a few set ups as well. Upon examining a few highlights of the year I discovered a reoccurring theme; selectivity. Had I not been down right stubborn and ultra selective about some things I’m not sure they would’ve turned out the way they did. I then wondered why was it a huge shock that being selective was the difference maker in a lot of situations; I’ve always been extremely selective, it’s one of my strengths. Yet, something seemed different about my selectivity this year. It felt as if I almost had to force myself to be selective and therefore needed to celebrate the fact that I followed through.

Then it hit me, being selective was extremely hard for me last year AND many times I had to fight myself to even do it! What changed? Why was I now seemingly forcing myself into something I’d always done? The answer, MOTHERHOOD and not just any motherhood SINGLE MOTHERHOOD! As parents we’re expected to sacrifice for our children, but as single mothers(and I suspect fathers as well) it gets to a point where it appears that ALL you do is sacrifice. In my case I always put myself last and that’s if I ended up on the list at all. Yes, I have a support system but it’s relatively small and if it seems as though I’m exhausting my support system my mind automatically defaults to settling. Settling because “this is a temporary fix”; settling because I feel/felt alone or have to do things on my own; settling because “it just needs to get done.” My inner self wouldn’t allow me to “settle” and so while having internal battles; doubts; and while often hoping, praying I didn’t lose out on one option to get to what I deemed a better option I…was selective!!

And…it…WORKED!!!!! For example, my job situation this year has been nothing short of interesting. I began the year at a company that attempted to rob me of my work life balance; while attempting to tear into my confidence. For a few months I stayed. I stayed while they stressed me out; gave me terrible reviews; took me away from my child by lengthening my hours AND calling while I was at home with him. I looked into some other jobs and even my current career but thought “no this is a battle I can win” so I stayed. One day I realized my peace wasn’t worth that job so I decided to take that leap of faith quit my job and get my Real Estate license. It was a risky yet calculated move and it paid off. 

I also became more selective about who I allowed in my space. Easiest example being my son’s father. After 6-7 months of talking once a month (more like arguing once a month about whose fault it was that we were in that situation) I decided he no longer deserved to be in my space. He was a disruptor of my peace. If we’re only talking once a month but in those times you aren’t making arrangements to visit your child; you’re not asking what he needs; not paying for anything pertaining to him…why am I allowing you to continue taking my peace?!? I honestly can’t make you want to be a father; I can only extend a functional co-parenting space so much. The decision to be involved is and was on him. So why was I sacrificing my peace in an effort to get him involved? I decided to discontinue further communication with him until he reached out AND unless it was about our son. Seven months later and we still aren’t talking BUT I’m at peace.

Around September Real Estate began to slow down, totally normal and thus began my search for a part time job. I had standards though; I needed to be off by 5pm; I couldn’t work weekends; and I needed to be paid a minimum of $17/hour. I knew my expenses upfront, I knew what I needed to bring in to supplement my real estate income; and most importantly I knew even with the addition of another job I needed to be a present parent. I applied for several jobs; got called for a lot of interviews; turned down a decent portion of those interviews; went to the other half and was offered the job but turned it down after finding out some of the unlisted logistics. At the end of the day these jobs were not in my parameters, they didn’t fit my needs, some of them would’ve created a larger need; and they would’ve taken me away from my son. These positions weren’t right for me, yet without any external pressure I found myself wondering if I was doing the right thing and sometimes stressed and impatient with the process. It was here that I considered settling. Maybe a little extra income was better than no extra income. Maybe I was being too picky; was I really in a position to be so selective? All types of questions. Inspite of my doubts I stuck to my guns and refused to settle. I ended up getting a part time (sort of independent contractor still) position that pays a little more than what I need; has the perfect hours: and allows me to be with my son. All because I was selective. 

My reflection period caused me to realize that selectivity enabled me to regain peace; independence of time; pay bills without worrying; and be a present, involved mother to my son. The same thing I was afraid would be a hindrance helped! While I understand why single parents have more doubts; are sometimes reserved in their decision making process; and feel safer settling  I also now understand why it’s so important to fight those feelings and be selective!! It’s intimidating as ever when there’s more than your own life and wellbeing at stake but it has to be done. If we settle we’re actually relinquishing our joy and peace. By settling we’re also indirectly teaching our children that it’s alright to settle. We’re teaching them to live by fear instead of faith. That’s not a lesson I want my child to learn, that’s not what I want him to believe. 

In closing as 2019 ends and 2020 begins I am thankful for 2019 and it’s many lessons; I’m thankful for what I realized were a number of highs. I’m thankful that I learned early in my single parent journey and will continue to mindfully execute selectivity in the future

Cheers to 2020

Baby Shark

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This is NOT an ad lol! However, the live show is where all of the reflecting you’re about to read about took place, so it was only fitting to entitle this blog “Baby Shark.”

To kick off my son’s birthday celebration we went to see Baby Shark Live. The show was actually good. As I sat there singing along and enjoying the fact that my son was happy to be there I began to reminisce. It was just a year ago that we kicked off his birthday celebration with Sesame Street Live. At that time all of the drama that forced me to become a single parent had just happened like all of 2 days before the show, sitting there in a family environment where I saw other “complete” families (both parents) enjoying family time with their children was a complete gut punch. Being there with my married friend and her two children(thank God her husband wasn’t with us) was indeed a second gut punch. Pulling out of the gathering wasn’t an option as one it was my idea to take the children; and two my son LOVES Sesame Street. My only choice was to sit there in agony, stone faced, and emotionless so that my son could enjoy the show and not catch on that something was wrong with his mom. This was the first of several family outings that caused me indescribable pain.

Baby Shark and Mommy Shark…appropriate picture right?

Baby Shark was different on many levels, for starters it was the first outing with only my son and myself and where I didn’t feel like a failure or want to cry because I was around other families. Earlier this summer I blogged about having accepted what my complete family looked like; so I was keenly aware that as long as my mom was with my son and I my idea of what my family looked liked was clear and acceptable. I honestly wasn’t too sure nor did I put any thought into how I would feel in a family environment with just the two of us. I was ecstatic that I felt so comfortable with “the single mom family picture” as well. Being able to accept, and enjoy where, what, and who you are is an amazing feeling AND a huge accomplishment.

Secondly, Baby Shark was different because I didn’t feel alone. Sure I wasn’t actually alone but single parents you know what I mean. I was able to interact with other parents and enjoy their company and the company of their children. There were absolutely no feelings of envy, failure, anger or regret. I was able to be in the moment with my son and enjoy the show from his vantage point. Hell for that matter I was able to enjoy it period.

Third and most important I realized that in the last year my son has not missed a beat!! When I was forced to become a single parent one of the things that scared me the most was my potential inability to give my son the childhood I wanted him to have. Y’all Baby Shark wasn’t cheap and yet we were there…with good seats might I add. My child has been to 80% of the events I wanted him to attend; he’s in swim classes; he has toys and books galore doesn’t need anything clothing wise….like he’s in a good spot materially and experience speaking; but more important than that his level of sheer joy has not wavered!!! He is as happy, and loving as he was when all of this first went down. Now that he’s talking he’s even more loving, compassionate, and funny. A year ago my main concern was that his world (Joy and peace) remained the same and watching him at Baby Shark gave me confirmation that it had. Nothing made me happier.

In closing the last year if my life has been extremely hard. Accepting who I was forced to become; the depth of the responsibilities I bore; adapting and changing my life on the fly; loving my new identity…..finding my new identity; letting go of the past; mentally and emotionally healing none of this has been easy BUT it’s been worth it. A year ago one year seemed like an extremely long time to still be finding and learning to accept myself but now I understand that it takes time. Progress takes time, healing takes time…this is by no means an overnight process. Whoever you are if you’re reading this and you feel broken and feel as if you have no clue how you will make it through the next day hold your head up and keep pushing!!! It doesn’t happen over night but you eventually cry less; at some point you begin to notice there is some progress, some movement…. don’t focus on a long outlook. Take it one day at a time and don’t worry about set backs, they happen it you will move forward. You will heal!!!

The Saga Concludes….

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Two weeks later and we’re done day training. Honestly we finished day training a little over a week ago. It took us 7 days to get the basics down. I am extremely proud of my little man AND myself because potty training is no easy task!!! While I titled this blog “The Saga Concludes” it’s really not over….well it is but it isn’t as I’m still nap and night time training.

Night time training is a tad more challenging for us for several reasons: hens younger so his bladder control may or may not be fully developed; we both hate being awaken from our sleep; and he is NOT feeling the last call for milk two hours before bedtime lolbvvs! As it stands we wake up twice a night to pee. He absolutely hates these wake up times. He’s cranky, doesn’t want to get up, fights to stay asleep, and sometimes doesn’t pee out of rebellion. It is on these nights that we usually have an accident. Our nights are usually dry if he pees during both night wakings. Dry nights keep me encouraged. We also have dry nap times at home……daycare is another story.

Speaking of daycare, the morning leading into daycare I woke up hysterical. I legit had 101 reasons why my son shouldn’t return to daycare newly potty trained(remember we started this journey during his daycare break) and a list of things that could go wrong. I couldn’t get back to sleep after waking up panicking so I decided to pack his little book bag. I sent him with 3 changes of clothes, 3 pairs of training underwear (only to be used at nap time) and of course a bag for all his dirty clothes. At that point I told my self to pull it together because he had to go! Oh, I also got him the potty watch to help him remember to go pee while playing. Um, it wasn’t one of the nightmares played out in my mind but it was pretty either. Turns out his daycare teacher isn’t used to potty trained not quite 2 year olds. She didn’t show him where the potty was, didn’t watch for his signals, didn’t bring the potty closer to him…..just didn’t . After talking with the daycare owner we decided to move him to the preschool section of the daycare as that instructor not only knows how to deal with potty trained toddlers but she trains them too! Once the move was made he went down to no accidents at daycare! Go mommy’s big boy!! Our accidents occurred in strange situations……aka places he wasn’t used to pottying in. Once I noticed that I got him a travel potty all was right with the world again.

Now I don’t want you to read this and think once he learned the skills everything has been smooth like skippy because that is not the case. We are currently in the “pee pee rebellion”. This last weekend he reverted back to 1-2 accidents a day but that cleared up once we got to daycare on Monday. I’m not particularly sure why he rebelled but I’m hoping he”s done with said rebellion.

In closing this series isn’t to brag on having a potty trained child, or to gloat about how much I’m saving it’s to let you know that you have support! The blog series serves to let you know this shit ain’t easy(by no stretch of the imagination), it’s to let you know my struggles, to allow you to laugh at my bloopers and to realize you’re not alone on the island of potty training. It’s to push you to stick this out and finish the job because both you and your little person are worth it. Good luck mama!!!

The Potty Training Saga Continues

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The last day I blogged about my adventures with this whole potty training thing was on Day 2 when I was at wits end and ready to quit. Self preservation….kid preservation….sanity lol! Ok, so I obtained and listened to the audible of Oh Crap Potty Training that night. Someone needed to talk me off the ledge and this book did the trick. Ever binge listened to anything lol? That was me, Tuesday night I was committed to finishing this 8.5 hr book…and I did too! I got a quick nap before I was set to start Wednesday with the kid, I game planned with my mom, I closed off my calendar for the next few days….it was my will versus his will and dang it I wasn’t about to lose. The kid is ready and I know it!!!Day 3………I treated it as Day 1(sorta) implementing all my new techniques from Oh Crap Potty Training. Let’s do this! I have to be very honest Day 3 was t bad at all. We had more makes then misses, the misses he did have we knew it was more behavioral than cluelessness and realistically one good accident that we totally jumped down his throat about and even that straightened up. Day 3 was SSSOOOOO good I even put a pair of shorts on him and let him go commando with me on a Target drive up run. Well, my baby, pardon me my big boy stayed dry. Now let’s have a moment of honesty, he did have an accident on the way out the door but it was my fault. I put him in the potty as we were preparing to leave but he didn’t go. Because of this I was putting some receiving blankets in the car seat for extra “dryness” and my mom was watching him as I’m finishing up in the truck I hear him screaming…..yup, you guessed it that was when he pottied. I got him cleaned up switched shirts and out the door we went. Between Target and Starbucks we were gone about thirty minutes and he stayed dry(inserts fist pump)!!!

We got home and it was bedtime, because the day was going so well and Jamie said to day and night train simultaneously we went to bed with no diaper. Yup, you read that right we ended day 3 with no diaper. I prepped for this as much as possible, receiving blankets under the fitted sheet; cut off liquids 2 hours before bed; pulled out all his 2 piece pjs for reinforcements; fleece blanketed for wet spots; had my alarm set for 11p and 2a and we went for it. I out him on the potty right before bed but he refused to stay on and certainly didn’t go therefore I expected an accident. He woke up wet just before the 11pm alarm. There was no point in being upset because this was almost guaranteed…besides it was our first time night training. The kid went back to sleep around 1am(no I was NOT happy about that) especially not with another night time check at 2am but what can you do. He woke up at 2am, wasn’t wet, we went back to sleep and all was right with the world. Day 3 potty training went pretty well, as did night 1 of training. Because of this I was certain Day 4 would be a mess!!!

Day 4, honestly it hasn’t been too bad. I was convinced I’d be met with sheer stubbornness but surprisingly he wasn’t as bad as I thought he’d be. Today I decided he’d go half naked half commando with the kid. We have had more makes than misses but the misses have been in his shorts. The good news is he doesn’t like being wet….so it makes him attempt to get to the potty. Big deal: he pooped twice IN the potty!!!! I was so excited to not have to clean up shit….and he was excited to see “what came out of him.” We took another very short trip with him commando, this time to UPS and he managed to stay dry. I don’t wanna set myself up for failure by thinking we”re on the road to being fully potty trained but damn it “we’re on the way to being fully potty trained!!!” Now in reality I can’t get too excited, we’re going to take another trip shortly and that one won’t be short time wise. It’s close to the house but we’re gonna be gone awhile so um…I guess we’re moving into the “different situations block”. It exactly tryna move there until Sunday but uh one night can’t hurt.

All in all I was talked off the proverbial ledge and my kid is making nice strides. This mama needs to celebrate….I think I’ll have a cookie.

Potty Training Saga Part 2

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There are days where I want to sit and cry because I am so frustrated and today is one of those days. I am beyond overwhelmed and the reality is as much as I want to give up and take time to cry I can’t….cuz then shit just wouldn’t get done😩 It is in fact the never ending circle of single parenting: Shit gets tough, you have no one to turn to or in my case you don’t want to exhaust the only help you have; you want to cry, want to release your frustrations but honestly there’s no time because “things need to be done.” So what straw broke the camel’s back today? Is it the failed potty training expedition, the stubborn , clingy, toddler/mom needs a break thing; is it the I ant afford to do anything for myself thing; or is it the daycare cost too damn much, how the fuck am I expected to take care of anything else thing? How about it was all of that….no seriously it’s all of that. As I sit on the floor of my bathroom because I wanted some “me time” writing this my stubborn toddler fell asleep while in timeout. Honestly his falling asleep was best for both of us because I no longer had the patience necessary to deal with him. Day 3 of potty training has not show any improvements, dare I say it things I have gotten worse. My son pees the floor and shows no remorse. In fact when showing him the urine and telling him that’s a “no no and that big boys pee in the potty he proceeded to play in the urine. This was the third accident of the day, the second where he flat out showed no remorse and I was over it. Maybe just maybe you aren’t ready. I do NOT have money for diapers but I also no longer have patience for this shit. I put the diaper back on him and he goes “NO”…naw bruh it’s too late for no you should’ve acted right when I was trying. Crazy thing is I know he’s ready, not only does he love his big boy underwear but he pulls off wet diapers and brings them to me, he sits in the potty (most of the time), and he uses it with no problem. He hasn’t figured out how to poop the potty but whatever. The majority of his accidents are just bad timing…..as in I took him off the potty too early and he pissed his underpants. But today he’s being rebellious as all hell and so he refuses to go….and he’s being selectively rebellious…worse. Normally I’m not one to back down from a battle and certainly to one to back down from a challenge with my kid but this timeI don’t have it in me so fuck it you win. Back to diapers you go and back to mommy having to figure out where the diaper money will come from. As if I needed another reason to be frustrated with him he refused to pick up his toys. My kid loves to clean, he loves to straighten things and like most boys he LOVES the praise he gets when he knows he’s made mommy very happy. Over the last week or so not so much; you can praise him all you want and he still jus doesn’t care. Per usual I gave him the bag and said put the blocks in here he in turn told me “no” and snatched away. NIGHT NIGHT buddy, you’re not going to tell me no and think it’s ok….and that’s how I got my quiet time🤷🏾‍♀️

After he went down for timeout I sat to budget my next paycheck…huge mistake. Because of the way the first pay period in September falls I need to pay my daycare provider over $500 from my next check in order to make sure he’s covered. That sent me right over the edge. $360 for two weeks I would’ve been alright with and honestly was expecting that but $540?!?!?! That’s probably a third of what I’m going to receive. My kid needs school supplies and Lord let’s not forget diapers, I need to actually do quite a bit for myself PLUS I have other bills to pay and you want me to give up a third of my check? It may be more than a third because once combined with my car note I think I have $200 left. What the fuck am I suppose to do with that? My calculations sent me into a total talespin of “what and why the fucks?!?!” “What the fuck am I gonna do with $200? Why e fuck does daycare cost so much? Why the fuck am I paying so much for daycare when you’re still asking me to bring supplies? What the fuck am I suppose to put on the back burner this time? Why the fuck is his trifling ass sperm donor helping me? Why the fuck do you idiots think people are o;yo having one to two kids? Why the fuck are y’all wondering dumb shit when the answer is obvious? Who the fuck can I get in the family to watch him because this shit is fucking ridiculous followed by fuck everybody is dead. What the fuck and why the fuck…..now none of this shit actually helps me and honestly it probably does nothing more than keep me hyped up on my emotions….that’s why I call it a tale spin.

Crashing down rom my tale spin I retreat to the bathroom to blog and hopefully have a good cry in the shower….ten minutes of course can’t be in the shower too long in case the kid wakes up. As I type I still haven’t cried nor have I come up with any solutions, nor do I feel better about anything. This has been such a trying year. I honestly thought I was beginning to handle things a little better but as I can see that’s far from the truth. I sit here wishing I was married for the help yet knowing married couples have the same financial problems ESPECIALLY the daycare convo….hell I just listened to one of my married friends tell me this last week. I sit here wishing I made more money, I did the calculations when I switched jobs I need to bring home at least $2000 bi-weekly to afford full time daycare….my kid is currently part time daycare and let’s just say I have yet to hit $2000. The silver lining is at least with my current job there is potential to hit $2000 that wasn’t even a thought in the previous job. Crazy thing is I’m not sure if I actually wish those things or if right now I just feel those are the most obvious solutions to my problems. I sit here closing out this blog realizing I didn’t even tell y’all about day 2 part 2 potty training…I just skipped to the train wreck that was day 3. I guess I’ll have to hop back on and do that later. Right now I need some time to mentally and emotionally relax.