Tag Archives: mom balance

If I’m Being Honest

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If I’m being honest (and I am) I am beginning to have some concern for my son’s mental well-being during the pandemic. I’ll admit because he didn’t start the pandemic asking a million questions, or showing any real signs of fear I’d hoped we got through the rough period. Actually I’d hoped that he wouldn’t recognize the change and wouldn’t recognize things were different. I’d hoped he’d be able to get out of this without really knowing what happened. However, I was wrong. Delay is not definitive of denial and that was the case with my son. As time progressed, as our Stay at Home Order has been extended I’ve begun to notice things. I notice how some days he’s reluctant to go outside; yet other days he doesn’t want to go back in. I’ve noticed the excessive clinginess; the random crying outburst for no reason. I can see the fear and curiosity in his eyes when he sees everyone in masks. He’s realized he can ride to the store but no longer go in. He’s realized he no longer goes to daycare to see his teachers and friends. He’s realized we no longer go anywhere; the park; church; the mall; playdates; museums; kids shows; no more Mommy and me outings; no haircuts; none of it! And while I thought I’d escaped having to discuss this with him he wants to know why.

My personal parenting philosophy is to tell the truth, with very little sugar coating. For example stories are stories and lies are lies. Yes I shield his sense of imagination; and his feelings. I understand he has very little emotional capacity but I try to be as straightforward with him as possible. In this instance it’s too much! Yes, he deserves answers; he deserves to know what’s going on; he deserves to know why his routine has been interrupted but he also deserves to have his mental state protected. 

If I’m being honest I don’t know where to start. The Stay at Home Order is a must; our abiding by the Order is another must as it’s the best way to ensure our safety, but I’m not sure how to have this heavy conversation with him. If I’m being honest I don’t want to have this conversation with him. We literally just talked about his absent father and from what I can see he’s doing alright with that. Why must I burden a 2 year old with a pandemic as well?!? I want to protect him; his emotional capacity; his innocence. I just no longer think it’s possible. It hurts me that my young son has to bear so much unnecessary pain. Because of this I am concerned for his mental state. I’d already planned to get him a counselor once he got older to talk about and work through both the pain of not having his biological father around and the trauma of being a black boy in America. However that’s in the future, I need to help his mental state now. I’ve worked as hard as I can to keep him on his daycare schedule; we go outside as much as possible; we engage in cooking and art; we have movie nights every weekend; we have dance parties; I make sure he hears our virtual church services and Bible Studies. We get involved in the Kid’s Zoom Meet Up for church; he’s had a virtual Playdate; and I’m feverishly searching for a dog; he needs a companion. Yet, I can’t help feeling like a failure when he randomly bursts into tears; or when he gets scared because he sees a face covering. Is this really the world my child is going to grow up in?!? I can’t help but wonder how this will affect him mentally and emotionally. I also can’t help but wonder what more can I do to help him.

If I’m being honest I feel this will have a significant affect on all our children. Missed milestones such as graduations, proms and luncheons; canceled dances, sports, and arts; celebrating birthdays alone. While it’s all necessary it’s a lot to ask of our children. My heart goes out to them because I understand their sacrifices are robbing them of dreams and prolonging goals. Our villages (family, friends, parenting circles) are being stretched thin trying to make sure our babies know we understand and yet celebrate and commend them. It’s a lot!!! And while I’m being honest my heart especially goes out to my son’s half sister who is being robbed of her eighth grade luncheon and graduation. Should I care, absolutely not because of how her father disregards my son but do I care; yes, I’m a Mother. I wish (maybe too strong of a word but all I can think of right now) I could be apart of her new celebration of achievement; I’d just want to make it memorable for her but as it stands-that’s nowhere near an option. That’s not necessarily something I mourn but…I’m being honest(inserts shrug).

If I’m honest none of us want to raise broken children. I don’t want to raise a broken son; his mental and emotional health mean the world to me. But since I’m being honest this is too much for any of us😩

The Underestimation of Homeschooling Part 3

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If you’ve been following this mini series you know this particular blog will detail days three through five of homeschooling under my new plan. If you need to catch up refer to https://chroniclesofasinglemom.home.blog/2020/03/28/the-underestimation-of-homeschooling-part-2/ and then meet us here for the conclusion of week one under my new plan. As mentioned in The Underestimation of Homeschooling Part 2 my mom decided to model “teaching preschoolers” for me. Her input was invaluable as she’s a thirty-four year veteran teacher who got her start teaching Headstart (3-5 year olds). She has patience that I won’t have in a million years; and the whole high pitched, excited voice thing is all her. I definitely couldn’t wait to watch her in action.

Day Three: Other than the recess switch and taking Daniel Tiger and Sesame Street out of my Lesson Plans I didn’t make any other edits. With that said he and I got up, got dressed, had breakfast, read our Bible Story, prayed, and then went into our daily curriculum. I read the first alphabet story to him, went over our alphabet flashcards, then we reviewed the letter of the week. After I was done with him I passed him off to my mom and she went through “a” words; letter “a” recognition; his “a” coloring sheets; and shapes and colors before recess. She was amazing!! He was so engaged the entire time; he answered her questions; and excitedly showed her his work for praise. He was eating out of the palm of her hand. She had circle time with him and incorporated his stuffed animals into the circle. I thought that was nothing short of brilliant; and he loved it because having his animals in the circle made him feel as if we were in actual school. We went out for recess which because of the great weather lasted about an hour. He had lunch and took a nap. Wednesday was totally different from both Monday and Tuesday. Yes, the calm music helped BUT her voice, energy, and creativity made all the difference. I felt as though for the first time in a week and a half he enjoyed the process. Wednesday was an all around productive day.

Day Four: Allow me to say I’m not my mother lol! I’m creative but not in the manner in which she is; I also am not a perky person nor do I have a high pitched voice; I’m nowhere near patient; I loath continuously repeating myself; and I’m extremely sarcastic. In a normal setting this works just fine for my son and I however in our homeschool setting my personality is not conducive to teaching preschoolers. However, I didn’t want to ruin his new found adaptation to homeschooling so imitating my mother was the only viable option. I couldn’t do exactly what she did so I found other methods that worked for me. For example I used the round of applause for him where we clap in a circle; I did the Arsenal Hall bark which my son loved; we sang the “Good Job” song; and I offered him choices. Things went very well for us. Because of his ideal behavior and superb listening we were able to incorporate more hands on activities to work on our weekly objectives. I was proud of myself that these hands on activities did NOT include any electronics. They were bored puzzles, matching cards, and arts n crafts, as well as baking. My son was learning and having fun and I loved it!!!! I didn’t copy my mom but I found what works for me and utilized it to enhance his homeschooling experience. For the second day straight not only did we successfully work on my lesson plan BUT more importantly he enjoyed it. Enjoyment meant retention which is exactly what I was looking for. (inserts fist pump)

Day Five: I gave him an abbreviated day on Friday; not because we didn’t have a good lesson plan but more because I felt he deserved the break. Yes we did our letter “a” activities; yes we counted but I only schooled him til 1pm(really 11:30 if you exclude recess, lunch, and his nap) instead of 4pm like at daycare. Friday was a review day and more hands on activities. We also haphazardly missed music on Monday so I gave him a short dance party to make up for it. Again he had a great day where you could tell he was learning and that he enjoyed it. Circling back to Day One and transitions these got better as well. In theory I didn’t change anything; he was still given ample warnings but I added two different things; one, I downloaded the Daniel Tiger Parent app and played the transition song around the two minute mark before the expected transition. He’s used to Daniel Tiger so that song told him exactly what to do, and because Daniel Tiger episodes have modeled what to do on several occasions he was with it. The second thing I added was his typical choice, for example “Do you want to move to the next fun activity or do you want to go timeout?” Well, he certainly doesn’t go to timeout willingly so he chooses to move to the next fun transition…..at which point I restate the instructions and we move on.

In closing the last three days of this week were a huge success. It proved to me homeschooling is possible and it works, while also showing me I have what it takes to do this. On the days that didn’t go so well it gave me more to analyze and look for answers and assistance. The routine and schedule are fairly set, it’s up to me to continue drawing up plans and to prepare before the school week starts. We’re going to continue to keep electronics out of the lesson plan becasue anything electronic throws him off. I also learned that homeschooling means I need to stay off my phone. I’m used to texting/emailing throughout the day so only having certain times where I answer text/emails is a challenging new mindset. Yet it needs to be done. .If you’re reading this and you have tips that will help improve our plan please feel free to drop them in the comments. I’m totally open to listening and further enhancing his homeschool. Thanks for reading and I’ll try to document any new experiences next week.

The Underestimation of Homeschooling

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Much like most of America last week was the first week of me homeschooling my son. It wasn’t disastrous but I feel as though it could’ve went a lot smoother. I won’t lie I thought because he stays home with me two days a week that homeschooling wouldn’t be too much different; I severely underestimated. The problem is he’s accustomed to his normal schedule where the days he stays home with me are surrounded by days he goes to daycare. When he saw he was spending every waking moment with me he thought he could be spoiled and get his way….while I had other things in mind. This weekend I decided to take a hard look at where there was room for improvement and take it from there. 

1)My approach: I wasn’t taking homeschooling as “school” I was still in daycare mode. If he’s expected  to take me seriously as his teacher I had to take it seriously as well. With this new found perspective I immediately saw my flaws

2)Plan: unlike our daycare days I couldn’t rely on Pearachute; or a playdate with a friend. I couldn’t rely on running errands; visits with my elderly family members or even his favorite television shows to fill the hours between nap time. I needed a plan or else I was going to fail my son. However I couldn’t write a plan without setting some reasonable expectations for both of us as well as setting goals for the next month( I just want to be prepared) with weekly objectives to help us reach our goals. I also wrote a quick mission statement. 

Mission: I intend to use social distancing to enhance my child’s socioemotional understanding by helping him to de escalate  his tantrums; communicate why he’s frustrated (verbally/non verbally); and accept no (from my mom and I) more willingly. I also plan to use this time to further his counting skills; reinforcing the alphabet; adding more colors to his knowledge. Finally I plan to improve his motor skills through arts and craft, baking, and physical activities. 

Am I doing the absolute most?!? Yes, but can we do it; also yes. It sounds wordy but essentially I’m not trying to raise Einstein lol, I just want to continue building on what he’s learned and make sure he’s kindergarten ready when the time comes. My mission statement carefully lists all of my goals. Each of the goals is broken into weekly learning objectives. These objectives are what enabled me to write weekly lesson plans. Now I know what I’m doing, when, and how I’m doing things. This gives me a much clearer picture and allows me to prepare before each day. I anticipate the daily prep work will make our transitions smoother. 

Do I think things will always go smoothly because I wrote out plans?!? God, no! I do however feel the plans will decrease my frustration level with homeschooling and possibly enhance my productivity in other areas. 

3)Dressing the Part: I work from home, and I’ve done so for a long time. In fact before my son was born I started and ran a small business from my house. Because of this I am very well able to work in my pajamas and still be productive. My mindset doesn’t change according to my outfit as long as I know there is work to do with a goal in mind. Unfortunately my toddler doesn’t quite understand that. It’s no wonder then why he thought watching PBS all morning was an option. He was still in his pajamas!!! Clean, bathed but we weren’t going anywhere so pajamas it was. If homeschooling is going to work I’ll have to change him into school clothes. For that matter I’ll also need to change(leggings and a hoodie will do). I need to preserve as much of his normal routine as possible, and that’s where I failed last week. 

4)Regular Schedule: speaking of routines and normalcy that includes work, specialties and most importantly snacks. For example I know at daycare he has Music class on Mondays and Show and Tell on Wednesdays. I also know his snack, meal, and nap times. I need to follow those times as much as possible if I want homeschooling to be successful. 

5)Expectations: I mentioned this earlier but didn’t go in depth with it. While the expectations are more for me some of them are for him as well. Do I expect him to be able to count to 50 by the end of the month; no. I do however expect him to be engaged; be involved; listen; and at least make attempts. I do and will talk to him about what’s expected of him because it matters. 

6)Communicate: I admit in the hustle and bustle of everything I didn’t actually talk to him about what’s going on. When the week started my son was kept home because he had a cold. I had to nurse and take care of him so it’s a lot harder to communicate the larger scale of everything else when the main concern at that point was him. Now that he’s feeling better and it’s the start of a new week I need to sit him down and have the COVID-19 discussion with him.

7)Be patient and give yourself and your child(ren) grace: This is a brand new situation, one in which many of us are still adjusting to. Even if you made great adjustments last week this week may be about improvement and fine tuning. As parents that just how we operate. While yes you want to use the time you’re spending with your family wisely, it’s important to remember everyone is doing the best they can, and that includes you. Yes, enjoy your family but also remember to take some time for yourself. It can be quite daunting realizing you can’t escape the madness that is your family lolbvs! Slow down, pray, recharge, and then go handle it!! 

In closing I hope this blog helps you prepare to homeschool your children. It’s not fool proof but maybe some of my ideas can assist you and help you come up with things of your own! There are so many free virtual resources available right now. Tune into those, they’re extremely helpful. 

You got this! 

How To Entertain Your Child Without Adding More TV Time

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I’m a work from home mom so “how to keep my son entertained” is always at the forefront. I often book/plan home showings and arrange my schedule for the day; as well as communicate with clients throughout the day while he’s home. Yes, I prefer to do all of that during nap time but oftentimes that’s not the case.There are also days where I am willing to endure two hours of Sesame Street; Paw Patrol or The Incredibles 2 two consecutive times just to get something done…..it totally happens; however working from home with a toddler/preschooler/young elementary school student can certainly be done. And more importantly can be done without increasing your child(ren’s) television time. Here are a few suggestions to help you through the next few weeks of being at home with your child:

1)Play Outside: While going to the park may or may not be a good idea your yard is not off limits. My son has quite a few toys that we can move outside such as a lawnmower; a trampoline; a basketball rim; a baseball set; a barbeque grill (let’s just say I’m well prepared for summer lol); and a wagon to name a few. We can totally set up some of his toys outside and allow him to play and run off some of his energy. If you don’t have any toys don’t panic; instead revert to old school games like “Tag” “Freeze” or “Johnny Come Across”. If you have smaller children you can always play “Simon Says” or create an Obstacle Course or Scavenger Hunt. If you have multiple children create sort of a “House Cup” challenge r your own March Madness tournament(clearly I’m watching Harry Potter and missing March Madness lolnvvs). Be creative and have fun!

2)Virtual Story Time/Music Class: There are so many children’s playrooms and such that are closing to the public but that are choosing to host virtual classes. It’s actually a smart idea. Go to your child’s favorite provider’s website or social media page and see if they’re hosting any online classes.

3)Arts and Crafts: Three words Pinterest and The Dollar Store!!! I’m not the least bit artistic in this manner but Pinterest rescues me every time. They have loads of projects you can do with your little person. One of the things I love about Pinterest is you find out as you read through the comments what works best; how messy the project was; etc. Once you’ve selected your project(s) visit your local Dollar Store and grab your items (if they’re not already in your house). As I remind myself when my son is busy with arts and crafts, be patient and smile through it…cuss while cleaning up 🙂

4)Garden: I have no clue where you live but if it’s nice enough plant a garden. If you have young children it’ll be really cool to plant things and teach them the life cycle of plants and flowers. If you have somewhat older children, maybe preschool and older you can allow them to journal or vlog about the daily or weekly progress of the plant and what if anything was done to it that day. Talk about science in action!

5)Sew: Sewing works on eye hand coordination; teaches focus and goal setting; and working to meet deadlines. I find whatever you;re working on be it a potholder; over mitt; or crochet rug really sparks your creativity and allows those creative juices to flow.

6)Flashcards: Amazon, The Dollar Store, or dare I say it homemade ones!!! Flashcards are a good way for your children to review or to learn new things. Flashcards are good for any age and you can use them with any subjects from shapes and colors to ACT/SAT prep and beyond. Flashcards are becoming such a popular thing that there are now apps on our smart devices for them. Various educational websites are beginning to have flashcards as well. You can now print them off with worksheets.

7)Poetry Set: This one can be really fun with multiple kids but it also may require some teaching. Set a time, set the lights and some music (if you wish) and let each child read a poem or two of their own writing. If it’s difficult for them to write a poem allow them to research a poem or two and read those. The people you live with can be the audience and you guys can cheer one another on. This also leads me to my next point….

8)Talent Show: Much like the Talent Show your loved ones can be the participants and the audience. Allow everyone to perform whatever they want: a dance; skit; model; sing; play an instrument; whatever cool talent they have. Don’t necessarily have judges…just give participation awards: maybe a snack or certificate or something.

9)Cook: My toddler and I frequently cook together. This allows him to work on motor skills; measurements; concentration; focusing; following instructions; and it’s therapeutic for me while allowing me to spend time with him. I honestly think we bake more together than anything. Find a recipe; take pictures; bake and enjoy your food. Cooking and baking teaches so many life lessons at once.

10) Workout together: My son and I frequently do in home cardio workouts together. Is he actually doing the exercise, well sometimes; BUT is he always tired and ready for a nap after our cardio sessions-ALWAYS!!!!!! Working out together allows your child to release pent up energy while giving you the physical activity you need. We’ve tried Yoga together a few times as well. Yoga doesn’t work too well for us but I hear it works wonders in some kids. YouTube is filled with plenty of Yoga for beginners videos. Take time to indulge.

In closing these are just some of the things you can do with your kids while they’re at home for break. Remember kids are just like adults they don’t want to work all day they require a break. At the same time they don’t need to be on the Ipad or in front of the television all day. Also remember to have a plan. I have a schedule for everyday my son stays home with me. The plan doesn’t always work but it at least gives you a guideline to work with. After planning, execute but also leave a little room for changes.

If you need suggestions for workouts with kids, Yoga, or websites please feel free to comment and I’ll help out.

Self Care

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Self Care has been one of the trending topics for a few years now. I believe part of the reason this is the case is because society drives us(probably more the case for millennial and Gen Z-ers) parents and to “have it all” meaning we’re expected to over excel in all areas of life: school; career; dating/married life; parenting; social life; physical appearance; have an amazing bank account; drive the latest car; take trips; rock the freshest clothes; exercise; drink water; and sleep. Oh and of course post your entire life and all of it’s details on social media. How?!?!?! Somewhere along the lines while trying to live up to society’s standards we forgot to take care of ourselves; in fact we forgot what taking care of ourselves meant.

If I’m being honest that’s not how I forgot about myself; life happened. Being a first time parent is hard for any couple (married or not) and a little harder as a single parent. I didn’t mean to forget about me, I just didn’t know how to adjust to my role as a mom; then my role as a working mom; then my role as a single mom….and ultimately “me” didn’t make the priority list. My journey towards making myself a priority started with me going to counseling. I remember one day talking to my therapist extremely frustrated about only God knows what because at the moment I don’t remember; what I do remember is my therapist looking at me and asking “when do you make time for you?” I laughed and told her that wasn’t an option; there was no one else to do all the “things that needed to be done; no one else to take care of my son and so I had to suck it up and keep moving.” She looked at me crazily and told me things would always need to get done but I had to make time for myself. I responded ” I’m here aren’t I? And that was that.

Flash forward about ten months to the day my therapist discharged me, she looked at me and said “come a long way promise me you wont go back to absolutely no me time.” I looked at her and told her I promised not to revert back to not even being a priority on my list. That was November ish, at that time I was making time for myself maybe two times per week…maybe…. but certainly once lo!! As you can see nothing grand but it was a heck of a start.

Last December I purposely told myself I was going to do something everyday towards enjoyment or relaxation. Sure I enjoy my son but I also want to do something specifically with me in mind. With that I decided I wanted to get back to reading; I’d start with a daily devotional …something uplifting and to continue feeding my spirit and hopefully move from my devotional to a book. I’d been listening to a podcast at least three times each week for about the last year now… so I decided to move that to five times each week.

Today I was having a conversation with a friend who asked what I was doing and my list included working from home; laundry; cooking; keeping my son busy; taking the Christmas tree down; and a few other things. I was like yea its a pretty busy day; my friend in turn goes “yup, that’s parenting, it’s always something.” For some reason today that clicked. I don’t know why but after two years it made sense. Y’all seriously, something will ALWAYS need to be done; it is up to you to carve out time for yourself. Self care doesn’t have to be elaborate, today I legit had a cup of tea while indulging in MSNBC (very relaxing right? don’t judge me lol) but that was it and I wouldn’t have gotten that had I not been intentional.

After today’s revelation I thoroughly believe self care is a mindset. It is something you must believe you need and deserve; then be intentional about getting it. Parents (all parents) I know you think there’s no time for it but you must make the time. You are such a better version of yourself for your family, and kids when you tend to your own needs. You’re less frustrated; more relaxed; happier; and healthier when you tend to yourself. No matter what your definition of self care is you have to be purposeful and intentional in getting your time in. It will be one of the most important things you do for yourself. It took me two years but I finally learned my lesson.

Lessons for 2020

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If I had to characterize 2019 in one word that word would be growth. If you’ve been reading the blog from the beginning or even read the entire thing in one week I think it was clear how over time my perspective; comfort level; and acceptance of things began to change. I’m  extremely appreciative for my growth and even more appreciative that I was able to understand and realize that it was a year of growth…and a few set ups as well. Upon examining a few highlights of the year I discovered a reoccurring theme; selectivity. Had I not been down right stubborn and ultra selective about some things I’m not sure they would’ve turned out the way they did. I then wondered why was it a huge shock that being selective was the difference maker in a lot of situations; I’ve always been extremely selective, it’s one of my strengths. Yet, something seemed different about my selectivity this year. It felt as if I almost had to force myself to be selective and therefore needed to celebrate the fact that I followed through.

Then it hit me, being selective was extremely hard for me last year AND many times I had to fight myself to even do it! What changed? Why was I now seemingly forcing myself into something I’d always done? The answer, MOTHERHOOD and not just any motherhood SINGLE MOTHERHOOD! As parents we’re expected to sacrifice for our children, but as single mothers(and I suspect fathers as well) it gets to a point where it appears that ALL you do is sacrifice. In my case I always put myself last and that’s if I ended up on the list at all. Yes, I have a support system but it’s relatively small and if it seems as though I’m exhausting my support system my mind automatically defaults to settling. Settling because “this is a temporary fix”; settling because I feel/felt alone or have to do things on my own; settling because “it just needs to get done.” My inner self wouldn’t allow me to “settle” and so while having internal battles; doubts; and while often hoping, praying I didn’t lose out on one option to get to what I deemed a better option I…was selective!!

And…it…WORKED!!!!! For example, my job situation this year has been nothing short of interesting. I began the year at a company that attempted to rob me of my work life balance; while attempting to tear into my confidence. For a few months I stayed. I stayed while they stressed me out; gave me terrible reviews; took me away from my child by lengthening my hours AND calling while I was at home with him. I looked into some other jobs and even my current career but thought “no this is a battle I can win” so I stayed. One day I realized my peace wasn’t worth that job so I decided to take that leap of faith quit my job and get my Real Estate license. It was a risky yet calculated move and it paid off. 

I also became more selective about who I allowed in my space. Easiest example being my son’s father. After 6-7 months of talking once a month (more like arguing once a month about whose fault it was that we were in that situation) I decided he no longer deserved to be in my space. He was a disruptor of my peace. If we’re only talking once a month but in those times you aren’t making arrangements to visit your child; you’re not asking what he needs; not paying for anything pertaining to him…why am I allowing you to continue taking my peace?!? I honestly can’t make you want to be a father; I can only extend a functional co-parenting space so much. The decision to be involved is and was on him. So why was I sacrificing my peace in an effort to get him involved? I decided to discontinue further communication with him until he reached out AND unless it was about our son. Seven months later and we still aren’t talking BUT I’m at peace.

Around September Real Estate began to slow down, totally normal and thus began my search for a part time job. I had standards though; I needed to be off by 5pm; I couldn’t work weekends; and I needed to be paid a minimum of $17/hour. I knew my expenses upfront, I knew what I needed to bring in to supplement my real estate income; and most importantly I knew even with the addition of another job I needed to be a present parent. I applied for several jobs; got called for a lot of interviews; turned down a decent portion of those interviews; went to the other half and was offered the job but turned it down after finding out some of the unlisted logistics. At the end of the day these jobs were not in my parameters, they didn’t fit my needs, some of them would’ve created a larger need; and they would’ve taken me away from my son. These positions weren’t right for me, yet without any external pressure I found myself wondering if I was doing the right thing and sometimes stressed and impatient with the process. It was here that I considered settling. Maybe a little extra income was better than no extra income. Maybe I was being too picky; was I really in a position to be so selective? All types of questions. Inspite of my doubts I stuck to my guns and refused to settle. I ended up getting a part time (sort of independent contractor still) position that pays a little more than what I need; has the perfect hours: and allows me to be with my son. All because I was selective. 

My reflection period caused me to realize that selectivity enabled me to regain peace; independence of time; pay bills without worrying; and be a present, involved mother to my son. The same thing I was afraid would be a hindrance helped! While I understand why single parents have more doubts; are sometimes reserved in their decision making process; and feel safer settling  I also now understand why it’s so important to fight those feelings and be selective!! It’s intimidating as ever when there’s more than your own life and wellbeing at stake but it has to be done. If we settle we’re actually relinquishing our joy and peace. By settling we’re also indirectly teaching our children that it’s alright to settle. We’re teaching them to live by fear instead of faith. That’s not a lesson I want my child to learn, that’s not what I want him to believe. 

In closing as 2019 ends and 2020 begins I am thankful for 2019 and it’s many lessons; I’m thankful for what I realized were a number of highs. I’m thankful that I learned early in my single parent journey and will continue to mindfully execute selectivity in the future

Cheers to 2020

Untitled and Incomplete.

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A year ago when I became a single mom I knew that it meant all the responsibility for my son now rested on my shoulders but I’m not sure I understood in its entirety what being a single mom meant! Sounds stupid right, especially considering I was raised by a single mom but well it’s true. To a certain extent I had no clue what I was getting into. 

One such way being a single parent unexpectedly affected my life was my career. Prior to the birth of my son I’d been in the fitness industry for 5-7 years. I’d matriculated from Certified Personal Trainer to Personal Training Director, Team Manager, and even full time business owner. Business wasn’t booming as I was about 2 years in but I was certainly picking up steam (adding clients, and pathways to earn revenue)   and I absolutely loved being my own boss. I’d picked up a part time job with a park district to increase my exposure and experiences…things were coming along nicely. Once I found out I was pregnant I began to taper off in order to focus on preparing for my son afterall I only had about 7 weeks to get everything ready; but in true perfectionist form I had an extremely aggressive return to work date. I believe it was 8 weeks tops…..8 weeks that my boss at my part time job FORCED me to take(I taught fitness classes until I was 28weeks pregnant). My baby boy was born in November of 2017 and in my mind I was going back to work in January of 2018. In reality his birth was the beginning of my change. In spite of the fact that I worked out throughout my pregnancy; had a non complicated vaginal birth; only 2 stitches; no PPD; and no real breastfeeding issues I. WAS. EXHAUSTED!!!!! Those 2 months seemed to fly by…..and I dreaded going back to the park district.  I was just honestly too tired, however because I’d decided to give my business a break in efforts to bond with my son and learn my new role as mom I forced my exhausted self to get back to work (back to teaching fitness classes). 

From January 2018 to November 2018 I got up to teach my 5:45 am classes twice a week. Some days I went to class off thirty minutes of sleep; other days I got to class five minutes late because I’d drift off or had to stop to nurse. My level of exhaustion intensified and even now I have no clue why I never cut my loses. I remember the moms in the class telling me “three months is the sweet spot, he’ll decrease night feedings and begin to sleep longer.” I naively waited for his three month birthday and decrease in night wakings but it never happened! As if being mildly irritated that he didn’t decrease on night feedings my son hit the dreaded four month sleep regression AND began teething at the same time. The time of my classes compounded with my sleepless nights was really wearing me down. I thought “once he starts solids(6months) he’ll sleep better at least 4 hours a night.” Well not so much! He started solids and would sleep maybe 3 hours at a time provided he wasn’t in pain from teething. And because his 6 month birthday (May) starts my summer class schedule (4-5 more classes a week) I never actually reaped the benefits of his slightly longer sleep patterns. Did I mention he hit the 6 month sleep regression as well?! By now I know you’re wondering what this has to do with my being a single mom….but stick with me it’ll connect shortly. Fast forward to the end of summer 2018 I realized I was exhausted and burned out from the park district so while keeping that job; I decided to do a soft launch back into my fitness business but with a mild redirect AND pick up a full time job. I didn’t want to quit my part time out of loyalty; I wanted to get back to my business but now change my target population to new(er) moms but with a mouth to feed I couldn’t wait for the slow trickle of income….hence the full time job. Little did I know this was the beginning of the end

In August of 2018 I both started my new business venture launching a survey and newsletter AND I started a full time job. During the interview I told the management company I was a new mom of a young child and that I was the primary care giver. I asked how would my potential absences due to my child be reflected upon and a few other questions that I just don’t remember. I was told “oh well the Property Management will understand and the company is parent friendly.” This was certainly tested about 2 weeks after being hired as my child’a daycare center called me saying he has a fever and was vomiting. Long story short I missed two days on mommy duty. Again in October I was called while at work because my child was was sick, again I had to leave…only this time I didn’t need to miss a day. I did come to work late or leave early due to doctor’s appointments. Again in December I missed two days due to an ear infection. What I am not reflecting is I always made up my work, worked from home on days that I was absent; and always took the proper protocol to report an absence. 

After four months apparently it was decided my being a mom and having to take care of my child on demand was an issue. I couldn’t be fired because my job performance wasn’t the issue, but the Property Management team decided to make my life a living hell until I quit. 

Ultimately in April of 2019 I decided it was time to let go. I was at peace with my decision; I had a plan that was ready in action; and after making that decision I no longer felt stressed. There was a gigantic sense of relief. 

I learned two lessons: one, irregardless of what employers say most of them are NOT family friendly. My experience showed me that most companies are so out of touch with what it takes to be a parent these days and they’re practices reflect that. What is any parent of an infant, toddler,  or preschooler to do with 10 PTO days? PTO included both sick and vacation days, it’s not practical for any two parent household; I don’t have an adjective for what it is to any single parent household. Secondly, through this experience I learned being a single mom meant more than just “having the financial responsibilities and decision making burden on my shoulders”, it meant being the ONLY person my son had to rely on. That entailed: sick duty; pick ups and drip offs: advocating on his behalf; and etc. For some reason my career in fitness was one thing I didnt think would change when I became a mother and yet it was one of the main things that needed to change in order to give my son a better life. 

As a single parent what I needed was a job that understood my role as a parent; a job that gave me both the time freedom that I needed as well as the ability to maximize my earnings while working. It was then that I learned a high percentage of moms are independent contractors. I laughed when I read this stat because well my next career path was as a Real Estate agent. 

Redemption.

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Daycare is Godawful expensive!! Most people with children know and agree on that. I previously worked as a General Manager at a corporate gym and received some assistance from the state in paying for my child’s daycare. Even with receiving that assistance I still paid an additional $400/ month for daycare. There were of course other options that would’ve been fully covered  by the state but those were less than satisfactory…that’s another story altogether. About 2 months ago I received notice that my grant for daycare would cease because “I now made too much.” Out of curiosity I wondered what “too much was” so I inquired. I found out “too much” was $2500/ month in which case I realized there was no way I should’ve gotten assistance to begin with; clearly I wasn’t about to apply again. It was at this point I decided (since I was changing careers anyways to drop my son to part time daycare; this addition would allow me to save or divert to other expenses $420/month AND revive my stay at home mom status….even if it’s just part time. 

First I devised plan…you guys will learn that I HAVE to have a plan, it keeps me at calm lolbs! After figuring out which days my son would stay with me I wrote his daily daycare schedule out and inserted various events for he and I to do in the activity block. I figured if we stay on the schedule he’s accustomed to it really couldn’t be that bad. Being frugal, I also decided it would be best to alternate the distance of our activities, one of our activities would be closer to the house while the other would take us further away. 

I didn’t quite have a plan for today but ugh, well….mommy daycare it was lol! My kid, as if he wasn’t exhausted from yesterday woke up at 6:30am bright, early, and ready to go!!! Without a real plan intact Mommy Daycare was off and running! 

6:30 bath

7am breakfast and PBS

8am open play

9am outdoor play

9:30 bored child (yup, your read that right)

9:35 puzzled parent because this whole outdoor thing should’ve lasted until 9:50

9:50 sign-ups for open play at an indoor playground 

10:00 mid morning snack

10:15 head to indoor playground 

10:25 arrive at indoor playground 

10:27 toddler meltdown…not sure if he was upset that we were at an indoor playground and not daycare OR if he was pissed Babyshark went off…I think it’s the latter

10:30-11:45 SUCCESS!!! my child is happy, I’m starting a blog (I’m finishing it 12 hours later and yes I have totally forgotten the purpose of the blog)

11:50 depart indoor playground

12pm LUNCH

…..and dare I say it 12:30 NAP!! Oh thank God we made it!!!

Mama had a 1pm tour about 15 minutes away and thankfully grandma stepped in to sit with her sleeping angel. 

Maybe the point of this blog was to share that days at home with children work best when you keep them WITH other children, that way they keep one another busy. Maybe the point of this blog was to show you that you can do it Mama! After all I legit played Mommy Daycare, and worked from home and it worked itself out. Maybe, the point of the blog is to reassure you that you can be every woman in one day or that you don’t necessarily need a plan to successfully navigate it through the day…nope that wasn’t the point of the blog lol! A plan is very necessary………………………..

Something no one really knew was after spending 9 months as a “Stay at Home Mom” I mildly resented going back to work. On one hand I wanted to go back to work full time to prove to myself that I was more than “just a mom”; I also needed to go back to work full time to make ends meet. On the other hand I wanted to stay at home with my baby boy! I trusted absolutely no one to take care of him the way I did; I didn’t want to work and make money only to give a lump sum to a daycare provider; I would miss our midday adventures and hitting all the children’s spots while everyone else was working; but most of all I didn’t want to miss any of his milestones. The thought of missing his first steps; first words; not being there to potty train…all of those things frightened me. Even the thought of missing his milestones made me feel like a bad mom. 

I spent 8 months away from my baby boy working because that’s what needed to be done…..even more so now that we were on our own. By the beginning of this year what began as a cozy job with understanding management became a real headache. All of a sudden no one understood “working mom” meant mom first; no one understood young babies occasionally get sick which meant mommy needed to take a PTO day; no one understood yup, babies still have quarterly immunizations and unfortunately ER/Urgent Care visits and routine check-ups can’t be lumped into one appointment. No one understood I couldn’t be surprised with random “we need you to stay late days” because well…daycare closed at 6. No one understood yes, daycares take breaks and if no one is able to watch my child than yes, I am forced to stay at home. And certainly NO ONE understood “single mother” aka if I don’t do it no one else will..aka I don’t have help….aka I have to do this parenting thing by myself…aka yes I care about my job but I care about my child more….aka….NO, there really is no one else to help. I was miserable! Frustrated was an understatement and of course because I was frustrated at work I began taking it out on my child. Not physically but I certainly didn’t have the patience required to deal with a toddler. 

One of my extremely close friends knew I was miserable and suggested a job change, something with more of a time flexibility that allowed me to maximize my income while working but still provided time flexibility. She has two amazing children, she’s very rarely missed anything they were doing…heck even practices. She was a BOSS and an INVOLVED mom…she definitely had the lifestyle I wanted for my child…so yup, if she’s suggesting a career change and it allows me to work and be an involved parent let’s do this…..enter Real Estate. 

I’m just starting so I don’t have any highs or lows career wise to share but today I was able to take care of EVERYTHING that needed to be done: I both worked and I was Mommy, involved mommy, fun mommy. So yea, maybe someone was encouraged and inspired by the blog but (only 12hours later) as I remember the real point of the blog, it was to celebrate balance. Today, I was fully able to balance both being a mom and a career woman and it felt great!! Will it always be this easy, no. Will there be some challenges along the way. Absolutely, I’m dealing with a toddler in the throws of the terrible twos not but do I know it’s possible? Absolutely, and that’s what gives me hope, that’s what encourages me to push forward, and for the rest of the weekend (yup, def working the weekend) that’s what I’ll celebrate….knowing that it’s totally possible to be both mom and career woman.

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