Tag Archives: mental health

From “We” to “Me”

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When I first started my single-parent journey breaking the habit of saying “we” was not only tough, it was something I wasn’t sure would ever happen. If you’ve been with me for a while you may remember me blogging about the difficulty and how I had to change my perspective and redefine “we”. In my own experience transitioning into single parenthood comes with many redefining terms. I decided to write this blog because I wanted people to know, it does happen. It takes time, there is NO specific timeline, but it happens. There is light at the end of the tunnel. It took me about 2 years (maybe one but honestly 2020 is a blur) but I am more comfortable than ever saying “me”.

First of all, I occasionally say “we” but I know who “we” consists of. When I use the pronoun “we” I am not speaking of my child’s other parent, I am however honoring my support system and giving them credit for assisting me in whatever the task is at hand. For example, “we’ve talked to him extensively about knowing the difference between what he can and can’t control.” I didn’t make that sentence up lol, it’s from a conversation my mother and I had with my son’s teacher. However, not only was I the one that made the comment, but I also felt it was important to honor her for assisting in those conversations with him. She understood and knew what I was trying to accomplish and made it a point to reinforce the concept with him. I appreciate her efforts and the efforts of my entire support system and so yes, when appropriate I honor them in public by saying “we”.

Second, yes I have healed considerably over the last three-four years, and with that has come a different love and respect for myself and the effort I put into providing for and raising my son. I work my ass off to ensure he has everything he needs and a great portion of what he wants. Hell, if I am being completely honest homeboy has a mild sense of entitlement( something else we’re working on and that deserves a blog all of its own). I DESERVE to say “me”, “mine”, “I”, and not feel any pain or a sense of loss and I am now at a point where I respect myself and my hustle enough to be able to do so. Saying “me” and/or “I” when discussing a decision I’ve made for my son is a form of respect. I am not being prideful, but in reality, I am setting the expectation for others when they need to address me about my son, and I am also acknowledging that I am the expert when it comes to his care.

Using the pronouns “me” and “I” also remind my son who is family is. He is now old enough to understand and feel the pain of having an absentee father and while I allow him space to freely talk and express his feelings, I also want him to remember who his family consists of. At his age, it is easy to imagine a scenery where he has and lives in a nuclear family, and while he may one day get an earthly father, it hasn’t happened yet…so stay in the present. I need him to know, honor and love the family he has.

In closing, your journey will not happen the way mine did but I wanted to share there is a point where your pronouns won’t bring you pain. Remember as you continue to heal your perspective will change, and with that change of perspective comes more resolve for how you will personalize and cope through this. Take it day by day, you will eventually get there.

If I’m Being Honest

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If I’m being honest (and I am) I am beginning to have some concern for my son’s mental well-being during the pandemic. I’ll admit because he didn’t start the pandemic asking a million questions, or showing any real signs of fear I’d hoped we got through the rough period. Actually I’d hoped that he wouldn’t recognize the change and wouldn’t recognize things were different. I’d hoped he’d be able to get out of this without really knowing what happened. However, I was wrong. Delay is not definitive of denial and that was the case with my son. As time progressed, as our Stay at Home Order has been extended I’ve begun to notice things. I notice how some days he’s reluctant to go outside; yet other days he doesn’t want to go back in. I’ve noticed the excessive clinginess; the random crying outburst for no reason. I can see the fear and curiosity in his eyes when he sees everyone in masks. He’s realized he can ride to the store but no longer go in. He’s realized he no longer goes to daycare to see his teachers and friends. He’s realized we no longer go anywhere; the park; church; the mall; playdates; museums; kids shows; no more Mommy and me outings; no haircuts; none of it! And while I thought I’d escaped having to discuss this with him he wants to know why.

My personal parenting philosophy is to tell the truth, with very little sugar coating. For example stories are stories and lies are lies. Yes I shield his sense of imagination; and his feelings. I understand he has very little emotional capacity but I try to be as straightforward with him as possible. In this instance it’s too much! Yes, he deserves answers; he deserves to know what’s going on; he deserves to know why his routine has been interrupted but he also deserves to have his mental state protected. 

If I’m being honest I don’t know where to start. The Stay at Home Order is a must; our abiding by the Order is another must as it’s the best way to ensure our safety, but I’m not sure how to have this heavy conversation with him. If I’m being honest I don’t want to have this conversation with him. We literally just talked about his absent father and from what I can see he’s doing alright with that. Why must I burden a 2 year old with a pandemic as well?!? I want to protect him; his emotional capacity; his innocence. I just no longer think it’s possible. It hurts me that my young son has to bear so much unnecessary pain. Because of this I am concerned for his mental state. I’d already planned to get him a counselor once he got older to talk about and work through both the pain of not having his biological father around and the trauma of being a black boy in America. However that’s in the future, I need to help his mental state now. I’ve worked as hard as I can to keep him on his daycare schedule; we go outside as much as possible; we engage in cooking and art; we have movie nights every weekend; we have dance parties; I make sure he hears our virtual church services and Bible Studies. We get involved in the Kid’s Zoom Meet Up for church; he’s had a virtual Playdate; and I’m feverishly searching for a dog; he needs a companion. Yet, I can’t help feeling like a failure when he randomly bursts into tears; or when he gets scared because he sees a face covering. Is this really the world my child is going to grow up in?!? I can’t help but wonder how this will affect him mentally and emotionally. I also can’t help but wonder what more can I do to help him.

If I’m being honest I feel this will have a significant affect on all our children. Missed milestones such as graduations, proms and luncheons; canceled dances, sports, and arts; celebrating birthdays alone. While it’s all necessary it’s a lot to ask of our children. My heart goes out to them because I understand their sacrifices are robbing them of dreams and prolonging goals. Our villages (family, friends, parenting circles) are being stretched thin trying to make sure our babies know we understand and yet celebrate and commend them. It’s a lot!!! And while I’m being honest my heart especially goes out to my son’s half sister who is being robbed of her eighth grade luncheon and graduation. Should I care, absolutely not because of how her father disregards my son but do I care; yes, I’m a Mother. I wish (maybe too strong of a word but all I can think of right now) I could be apart of her new celebration of achievement; I’d just want to make it memorable for her but as it stands-that’s nowhere near an option. That’s not necessarily something I mourn but…I’m being honest(inserts shrug).

If I’m honest none of us want to raise broken children. I don’t want to raise a broken son; his mental and emotional health mean the world to me. But since I’m being honest this is too much for any of us😩

A Parent’s Worse Nightmare

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The world stopped Sunday upon receiving news of Kobe Bryant’s untimely death. I personally almost passed out in disbelief. According to my mother she knew someone had transitioned based on the tone of my voice. I was totally taken aback and once I heard the number of victims who were on the flight it sent me over the edge even more! ” Oh my God, was Vanessa with him? If so that means ALL the girls?!? Oh my God, please don’t tell me an entire family is gone. As the we weaved through the rumors and (mis)information being presented at the speed of light we learned Vanessa wasn’t with him; which in my mind reasonably meant the baby wasn’t aboard the helicopter. This should’ve calmed my nerves, lightened the blow but it didn’t. I immediately screamed “GiGi”!!!!! Her death was yet to be confirmed BUT I was already gone. I bawled the entire day; and once her death was confirmed well it became too much. My own son staring at me in horror, not understanding what’s going on didn’t make the situation any better. I attempted to talk to one of my close friends about it and I immediately realized why I was taking this so hard. Yes, he was an amazing player; yes his death was so untimely and so unexpected but none of that is what drove me to the brink of unbearable sorrow. None of that was why I couldn’t look at; deal with; or be involved with my own son. This hit differently, it hurt like hell because I’m a parent; a mother and whether it’s for the good or bad things affect you differently as a parent.

Motherhood, parenthood in general has a way of uniting us. It’s one of those things that we inherently understand. We may have varying circumstances but realistically there is more about being a parent that unites us than divides us and well we aren’t afraid to show that, to build community and relationships from it. The unbearable pain I felt was as a a parent; it was so complex and yet once I was able to somewhat dissect it it made so much sense. The realization of more children and broken families built on the grief I was experiencing. This piece is in no way indicative of what’s going on or me trying to say how they do or should feel, It is no way what I know to be happening. This piece is just what I FELT on their behalf and the mini directions in which my mind wandered. For me writing was necessary to process my own grief.

Fear, Failure and Realizing Mortality:

I can’t imagine nor do I want to experience what it feels like to know what’s coming and to not be able to do anything to save your baby girl. Like seriously in the moments leading up to the crash I imagine all he could do was tell her he loved her; pray with her; and hold her. While spiritually and maybe emotionally that’s a lot and the best thing to do(prayer); physically and mentally it’s nothing. I HATE feeling helpless in minor situations with my son….you know he fell and I couldn’t catch him; he’s teething; and I can’t take the pain away; things like that. Can you imagine how hopeless that has to feel; to know he couldn’t stop the inevitable; to know he couldn’t take the pain away; to see that fear on her face?!?! I’m sure for a brief moment he felt like a failure. Parents but men especially pride themselves on providing for and protecting their families. Even in those last minutes I’m sure it messed with his manhood to know he couldn’t do anything. In all honesty I’m sure for another brief second he felt responsible for what was happening; after all it was his helicopter. Even if he didn’t feel those emotions (and I seriously hope he didn’t) knowing she won’t live out her potential; knowing she’s about to be robbed of her future; and that he is about to lose time with his other children…that’s so much pain. It hurts to fathom he died possibly blaming himself for her death…and in the end felt helpless. I would imagine his emotional death hurt more than his physical death.

Disbelief, Brokenness , and The Unthinkable:

Not even sure where to begin with this one. To carry and bear a child; watch them grow up; witness their milestones; prepare for the future because you know greater is coming and then to have it all snatched away in the blink of an eye -the immense grief the surviving parents must feel. What those parents wouldn’t give for one more hug; one more kiss; one more I love you mom/dad; more time to watch them grow….I’m honestly not sure how anyone finds closure from that. I imagine it feels as though a piece of your heart has left. How do you move on from that?

If you’re V how do you still mother your other children young children at that while grieving. How do you explain to your toddler who has very little sense of what’s going on that her sister and father won’t be back? How do you not get annoyed with her for continuously calling out for them? How do you separate their lack of understanding from your own grief? How do you mother a newborn and continue to unselfishly give of yourself when you’re in shock; horrified; in disbelief?

The father with the toddler who kept crying out for mommy……how do you deal? My heart broke again listening to him talk about how his baby crying out for mommy broke him. Jesus, how does one attempt to process grief when you have a toddler adding to it? You hurt for your children!!! Let’s be honest, as a toddler what memories will they have of their parents or siblings? Not very many. You hurt because their robbed of a parent, continuing a relationship, and what could’ve been. Mourning both the present and the future can be extremely hard, almost crushing.

AND in my opinion it gets worse for all the parents that have to identify and bury their children. How do you bury a child? No one is prepared to do that; we aren’t taught how to; aren’t given any direction. How do you get closure, you have to identify a body?!?!? Not a whole body possibly riddled with needle wounds after a fight with a terminal illness; not a body riddled any other bruises or wounds…unfortunately and perhaps what hurts most is possibly a mangled body; charred; in pieces, missing pieces; or no body at all. It’s hard enough to lose a child; it makes closure and acceptance even harder with the possibility of the gruesomeness these parents must face. They honestly can’t get that last hug; look at the gentle faces again; kiss their cheeks; or move their daughter’s hairs behind their ear.

My Jesus how it must feel to lose a piece of your heart and to grieve without physical closure. In the words of the hymn, “Oh what needless pain we bear.”

Horrified, Guilt, and Regret:
I don’t know how true this is but it’s been said on several occasions that Kobe and his parents weren’t on speaking terms. While I hope this isn’t true, I mourned for them too, but in a different way. If it is true they weren’t on speaking terms there’s a sense of guilt and regret that probably hits them. A case of the “what if” or “should’ve, would’ve, could’ve”. Maybe even a case of “I thought there’d be more time.” Unfortunately time is a fragile thing, it is both with us and against us. We never know how much of it we have and so it’s important to make every moment count; to attempt amends; and to do our best to have functional relationships with the ones that matter most. I honestly hope they aren’t mourning the loss of a son and granddaughter as well as the loss of possible reconciliation. I hope they aren’t mourning a granddaughter and the lost ability to get to know her. I hope they were at peace with their son. Yet, if they weren’t that’s a different type of loss altogether. It’s a loss I can’t exactly put into words but I felt and understood it all too well. While everyone’s loss is devastating if there was no relationship with their son and granddaughter that loss is more devastating because it comes with a side of guilt and resentment.

In the End:

In the end it took me a few days to sort through my feelings, and to compose myself enough to to put this into words yet after dissecting all of this I understood exactly why I felt her pain; why I felt his pain; and the pain of his parents and all the parents involved. I mourn(ed) those things with and for them. For some reason this commonality of parenthood really allowed me to empathize with them and perhaps understand a smidgen of the pain they’re feeling. It was important to understand this burden; this grief; this pain because while I need to pray for them I also need to learn from it. Even though Ionky have a toddler sooner rather than later I need to figure out a way to explain death and grief to him. And while this may not be a common idea I think it may be smart for me to game plan how to deal with grief while parenting; after all I am a parent and it will happen. In the end I wish this never would’ve happened to them but I no matter how it hurts I’m not going to question God. We just have to pray for the families, it”s really all we can do.

The Downfalls of Single Parenting: Passport Edition

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Normally I give a nice introduction before getting into the actual plot of the story but I’m not sure there is a great way to introduce this one so I’ll hop right in. I have quite a few goals for 2020, one of which includes taking my son out of the country. I recently began researching the criteria for getting our passports and I was thoroughly upset. Long story short I found out that my son’s father needs to accompany us when we apply for his passport. Irritated is a real understatement of how that made me feel.

My son hasn’t seen or had any contact with his father in over a year. My son’s father hasn’t attempted to contact me to check on our son in eight months; he does not financially support our child; honestly my son doesn’t know his biological father from any other random man that may approach him. I’m not sure why the government feels his permission is needed he is no more a father or parent to my son than anyone running the government. Instead of following my feelings and getting pissed off I decided to research to see if there was any way around this.

First I looked for any exemptions to that rule on the website about passport information; as it stands there are no exemptions for the two parent rule but I plan on calling them anyway. I’m hoping there is some way around involving him. Secondly, I looked into petitioning him to terminate his parental rights. For me this is the best option and something I want anyway. There are so many things I want to do with my child, if “getting permission” from him to accomplish said tasks with my child will continue to be an issue let’s just terminate his rights. Again, I was left disappointed. It turns out in the state of Illinois you can’t voluntarily petition someone to terminate their parental rights. Parental rights can only be terminated one of two ways: one, there is another parent there who will become the child’s adoptive parent (essentially marriage and adoption); and two, the state brings a juvenile case against the kid. According to what I read the state feels more comfortable with each child having two parents.

From there I looked into the legal definition of abandonment. It turns out that while my son’s father fit the legal definition of child abandonment the only remedy for that (in the state of Illinois) is child support. The state of Illinois feels child support is the best way to remedy negligence; and abandonment. This is extremely frustrating!!! There are plenty of single parents in the state not all of whom want to pursue child support; I am one of them. I’m totally happy to take care of my son by myself. I don’t feel the need to pursue and force someone who willingly walked away from his child to make monthly payments and forced visitation. Seriously, let’s not create more issues…let my son and I have our peace by walking completely away from the situation. Please, let’s spare my son the emotional damage of visitation; or missed visits; or further rejection from the same person.

I know what some of you are thinking; file for sole custody….and if for some unforsaken reason I file for child support, sole custody is certainly the route I plan to take. However the issue of child support is something I’d like to avoid altogether.

As I’m writing this my only two options to remedying this passport situation are: asking him to come with us and agree to my son getting the passport (which even if I ask he won’t come….this is a man who willingly walked away from a child…he doesn’t acknowledge his birthday or Christmas, you thinking he’s meeting us for a passport-hell no); or file for child support. More than being upset I really want to find a way to handle this that doesn’t involve my son’s father or filing for child support.

Self Care on a Budget

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One of the misconceptions about self care is you need to spend loads of money; that’s totally false. A lot of the things I do multiple times each week if not daily are either free or cheap. Here are some of the things I’ve made it a habit to incorporate into my day or week:

1)Podcasts: I try very hard to listen to one podcast each day. I’m a huge proponent of self improvement and podcasts allow you to choose what you’d like to learn that day. Aside from choosing your topic you can also decide how much of one podcast to listen to that day; some podcasts are as short as fifteen minutes while others last up to two hours. I love the fact that podcasts are mobile so I can listen to them while grocery shopping or running other errands AND best of all they’re free.

2)Daily Devotional: You can purchase one from a store or you can use the various apps on your phone/tablet. Daily devotionals help me start(or end) the day with more clarity, focus, and a sense of serenity. My favorite thing about daily devotionals is that it takes less than five minutes.

3)Yoga: YouTube!! I have a toddle…. I pay for daycare therefore I can’t see myself paying upwards of $100 monthly for pretty much anything else. YouTube Yoga works for me because it’s basically free; it’s so calming; it’s convenient(right from the comfort of my own home); and it’s something I can do with my son…again free of charge. Yoga forces me to slow down and pay attention to myself. You can grab a cheap mat from Marshalls,Target, or  Five and Below. There are quite a few channels you can subscribe to however my current fav is “Yoga With Adrienne.”

4) Workout: I’m a Certified Personal Trainer so I own some equipment , and write my own workouts. I know most people aren’t blessed to have that certification however you can also skip the gym membership and  YouTube some workouts. Blender Fitness has some really good ones. I hear Daily Burn on Roku is good but I haven’t tried them and I don’t know if there’s a fee.

5)Blog/Journal: I love sharing my experiences and revelations with you guys. Blogging and journaling serves as a good mechanism of reflection and to also allows me to see where there’s room for improvement. The worst part of journaling (for me anyway) is purchasing a journal. They can get pretty pricey. I also like gel pens and those can also get pricey. Realistically journaling is a relatively inexpensive method of self care. Pay more attention to my action not my methods(s) and need for pricey tools on this one lolbs!

6) A bath: Now that I have a toddler its a tad easier to take a bath once a week…but only once a week. I’m afraid of what he’d get into if I did this more frequently. If you like bubbles grab some or try a DIY recipe. Pinterest has some great DIY receipes and surprisingly enough you will have most of the ingredients at home.

7)Read: I’m a bookworm and love to read/learn. Being able to read for enjoyment brings about a sense of relaxation. This is where your local library comes in handy. If the library is too far or you owe too much in fines(it happens) try book swapping with your friends; a boo club; e-books (Amazon has free e-books and .$99 books); or Thriftbooks.com

8)Movies: Specifically Disney and Harry Potter lol! Both take me back to my childhood and bring a smile to my face. I know them word for word but it doesn’t matter they make me happy. Oh, add Shrek 1 and 2 to this as well.

9)Good Friends: this one is a work of progress for me, not because I don’t have good friends but because I tend not to make time to see them. I’m getting better. I’ve been extremely mindful this year to hang out once a month with my cousins or friends. Most of the time our adventures are reasonably priced. They range from going to Sephora to try on different shades of lipstick; game nights; me cooking for everyone and having them come over…usually nothing extravagant; but the bonds; the friend/kinsmenship; and the laughs are both cathartic and endless.

10)Laughter: It’s the best medicine; a happy heart is a light heart. You don’t have to go to a comedy show (even though that would be great) to achieve this one. You can YouTube; Podcast; or just call a friend. Try to laugh once a day, it will just make you feel better.

Bonus Tip:

11)Social Media Detox: Being completely honest I deactivated and deleted my Facebook and Instagram accounts in 2018 after all the craziness with my son’s father went down. Originally it was just to keep my emotions as in check as possible but it turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. My spirit feels so clean and free; and I also don’t feel the “need” to check and see what others are doing or to post what I’m doing. It was a freeing experience and I highly recommend it. Currently I have an Instagram to follow the children’s places and activities in the city but that’s it. I don’t make posts and none of my friends know about the account and follow me.

In conclusion Self Care is really quite simple once you become intentional about doing it. You don’t have to start with everyday, you can start by doing something for yourself once a month and gradually increase. I gave a list of some of the things I do but don’t stop here, find things that make you happy and bring you a sense of peace and indulge. If you’re a SAHM all of the listed activities can be done with kids; while they’re napping; or while running errands. Trust me my son has indulged in “Ma, Ma, Ma” so many times during Yoga and I politely ignored him and kept practicing. Eventually he caught the hint and started doing it with me. You will now catch him in “downward dog” almost anywhere. Your kids will understand as long as you set and be intentional about your self care boundary. In the end they will also thank you because you will have indirectly taught them to value their emotional and mental health as well.

Self Care

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Self Care has been one of the trending topics for a few years now. I believe part of the reason this is the case is because society drives us(probably more the case for millennial and Gen Z-ers) parents and to “have it all” meaning we’re expected to over excel in all areas of life: school; career; dating/married life; parenting; social life; physical appearance; have an amazing bank account; drive the latest car; take trips; rock the freshest clothes; exercise; drink water; and sleep. Oh and of course post your entire life and all of it’s details on social media. How?!?!?! Somewhere along the lines while trying to live up to society’s standards we forgot to take care of ourselves; in fact we forgot what taking care of ourselves meant.

If I’m being honest that’s not how I forgot about myself; life happened. Being a first time parent is hard for any couple (married or not) and a little harder as a single parent. I didn’t mean to forget about me, I just didn’t know how to adjust to my role as a mom; then my role as a working mom; then my role as a single mom….and ultimately “me” didn’t make the priority list. My journey towards making myself a priority started with me going to counseling. I remember one day talking to my therapist extremely frustrated about only God knows what because at the moment I don’t remember; what I do remember is my therapist looking at me and asking “when do you make time for you?” I laughed and told her that wasn’t an option; there was no one else to do all the “things that needed to be done; no one else to take care of my son and so I had to suck it up and keep moving.” She looked at me crazily and told me things would always need to get done but I had to make time for myself. I responded ” I’m here aren’t I? And that was that.

Flash forward about ten months to the day my therapist discharged me, she looked at me and said “come a long way promise me you wont go back to absolutely no me time.” I looked at her and told her I promised not to revert back to not even being a priority on my list. That was November ish, at that time I was making time for myself maybe two times per week…maybe…. but certainly once lo!! As you can see nothing grand but it was a heck of a start.

Last December I purposely told myself I was going to do something everyday towards enjoyment or relaxation. Sure I enjoy my son but I also want to do something specifically with me in mind. With that I decided I wanted to get back to reading; I’d start with a daily devotional …something uplifting and to continue feeding my spirit and hopefully move from my devotional to a book. I’d been listening to a podcast at least three times each week for about the last year now… so I decided to move that to five times each week.

Today I was having a conversation with a friend who asked what I was doing and my list included working from home; laundry; cooking; keeping my son busy; taking the Christmas tree down; and a few other things. I was like yea its a pretty busy day; my friend in turn goes “yup, that’s parenting, it’s always something.” For some reason today that clicked. I don’t know why but after two years it made sense. Y’all seriously, something will ALWAYS need to be done; it is up to you to carve out time for yourself. Self care doesn’t have to be elaborate, today I legit had a cup of tea while indulging in MSNBC (very relaxing right? don’t judge me lol) but that was it and I wouldn’t have gotten that had I not been intentional.

After today’s revelation I thoroughly believe self care is a mindset. It is something you must believe you need and deserve; then be intentional about getting it. Parents (all parents) I know you think there’s no time for it but you must make the time. You are such a better version of yourself for your family, and kids when you tend to your own needs. You’re less frustrated; more relaxed; happier; and healthier when you tend to yourself. No matter what your definition of self care is you have to be purposeful and intentional in getting your time in. It will be one of the most important things you do for yourself. It took me two years but I finally learned my lesson.

Baby Shark

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This is NOT an ad lol! However, the live show is where all of the reflecting you’re about to read about took place, so it was only fitting to entitle this blog “Baby Shark.”

To kick off my son’s birthday celebration we went to see Baby Shark Live. The show was actually good. As I sat there singing along and enjoying the fact that my son was happy to be there I began to reminisce. It was just a year ago that we kicked off his birthday celebration with Sesame Street Live. At that time all of the drama that forced me to become a single parent had just happened like all of 2 days before the show, sitting there in a family environment where I saw other “complete” families (both parents) enjoying family time with their children was a complete gut punch. Being there with my married friend and her two children(thank God her husband wasn’t with us) was indeed a second gut punch. Pulling out of the gathering wasn’t an option as one it was my idea to take the children; and two my son LOVES Sesame Street. My only choice was to sit there in agony, stone faced, and emotionless so that my son could enjoy the show and not catch on that something was wrong with his mom. This was the first of several family outings that caused me indescribable pain.

Baby Shark and Mommy Shark…appropriate picture right?

Baby Shark was different on many levels, for starters it was the first outing with only my son and myself and where I didn’t feel like a failure or want to cry because I was around other families. Earlier this summer I blogged about having accepted what my complete family looked like; so I was keenly aware that as long as my mom was with my son and I my idea of what my family looked liked was clear and acceptable. I honestly wasn’t too sure nor did I put any thought into how I would feel in a family environment with just the two of us. I was ecstatic that I felt so comfortable with “the single mom family picture” as well. Being able to accept, and enjoy where, what, and who you are is an amazing feeling AND a huge accomplishment.

Secondly, Baby Shark was different because I didn’t feel alone. Sure I wasn’t actually alone but single parents you know what I mean. I was able to interact with other parents and enjoy their company and the company of their children. There were absolutely no feelings of envy, failure, anger or regret. I was able to be in the moment with my son and enjoy the show from his vantage point. Hell for that matter I was able to enjoy it period.

Third and most important I realized that in the last year my son has not missed a beat!! When I was forced to become a single parent one of the things that scared me the most was my potential inability to give my son the childhood I wanted him to have. Y’all Baby Shark wasn’t cheap and yet we were there…with good seats might I add. My child has been to 80% of the events I wanted him to attend; he’s in swim classes; he has toys and books galore doesn’t need anything clothing wise….like he’s in a good spot materially and experience speaking; but more important than that his level of sheer joy has not wavered!!! He is as happy, and loving as he was when all of this first went down. Now that he’s talking he’s even more loving, compassionate, and funny. A year ago my main concern was that his world (Joy and peace) remained the same and watching him at Baby Shark gave me confirmation that it had. Nothing made me happier.

In closing the last year if my life has been extremely hard. Accepting who I was forced to become; the depth of the responsibilities I bore; adapting and changing my life on the fly; loving my new identity…..finding my new identity; letting go of the past; mentally and emotionally healing none of this has been easy BUT it’s been worth it. A year ago one year seemed like an extremely long time to still be finding and learning to accept myself but now I understand that it takes time. Progress takes time, healing takes time…this is by no means an overnight process. Whoever you are if you’re reading this and you feel broken and feel as if you have no clue how you will make it through the next day hold your head up and keep pushing!!! It doesn’t happen over night but you eventually cry less; at some point you begin to notice there is some progress, some movement…. don’t focus on a long outlook. Take it one day at a time and don’t worry about set backs, they happen it you will move forward. You will heal!!!

The Power of An Apology

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During today’s session with my therapist she did something that I never expected and well my reaction to her unexpected action was also unexpected. We’ll get there in due time as it’s important to give a little background for today’s session and occurrences

A little over a year ago when I began seeing my therapist I wasn’t necessarily closed minded to the idea of therapy but I certainly had restrictions on what I was willing to talk about; and I was very strict in the timeframe I thought things should be done. Restrictions: we will only talk about what brought me here AKA everything that transpired within the last month(October 2018), I DO NOT wanna talk about the 18 years my ex and I invested into one another before my child was born. My timeframe: if you can heal me within 6-8 weeks that’d be great!! I quickly learned my timeline was unrealistic but my therapist being good at her job never pushed for the 18 year history between my ex and I. She went where I allowed, pushed as much as possible in those spaces, but always respected my boundaries and never traversed into my “off limit zone”. A year later after she and I were extremely comfortable with one another and after she felt I’d made a decent amount of progress she asked if we could talk about just the year leading into my pregnancy. She said  although we’d made loads of progress she felt we might be able to make more if I would open up to talking about the pregnancy. I didn’t really want to do that especially since I felt like I was in a really good space but decided if it could enhance my healing why not. 

Over the last month or so we’ve been revisiting my pregnancy: the great times my ex and I had together (before learning I was pregnant); his schizophrenic change up after finding out I was pregnant; the broken promises; missed events; missed birth and my feelings about all of it. I have to admit speaking about the good times made me miss him and remember how much I love him. It made me think I was crazy to still love someone who switched up but it’s hard to rid yourself of 18 years of memories and experiences in just two years. I was suddenly crying all the time, every strong emotion made me cry. Then we got to the dark spots and while discussing those points didn’t make me hate him; didnt make me feel stupid; and didnt depress me it brought about other strong feelings: Some times pain,; some times wondering how I didn’t see this coming; and honestly some times peace because the peace reminded me that I made the right decision in putting all of this behind me and moving forward. 

Throughout this process I could see my therapist empathizing with me, feeling my pain and understanding the weight of carrying this issue however, today was very different. Today I discussed in detail my son’s birth, and the few days afterwards and I could see her holding back tears…then…it happened. Once I was done talking my therapist apologized!!! I was so taken aback that I couldn’t even say thank you. She apologized!!! How crazy is that?!?! My ex hasn’t even apologized for his inability and unwillingness to connect with us; for not prioritizing us; and for the “lie” that separated us for good. Honestly when all the drama kicked off he told me he had nothing to apologize for so imagine how I felt having had someone FINALLY apologize to me about this….hell all of it. Imagine how it felt to have someone actually understand my pain, understand why I felt there was nothing more for me to do; and understand how broken I was by his (in)actions. 

I didn’t know how to feel, I’m honestly still processing it. My emotions range from relief: to shock; to freedom; to finality….so much. In my quest to move forward I’d resigned to forgive him in spite of his ability to apologize so I never expected one…..and certainly not from her. Even though she isn’t the person that inflicted the pain her apology unleashed a new level of healing….again something else I’m attempting to process. I don’t know what this new wave of healing means, I have no idea what will become of it but it’s clearly something I didn’t know I needed and for that I thank her. 

It’s My Anniversary…But Before We Celebrate

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Today officially marks my one year anniversary as a single parent. Not quite sure this is something to celebrate but it is what it is…and I’m marking this occasion because I’m proud of myself for overcoming (more on that later). To give you all some background a year ago yesterday I sent my son’s paternal grandmother and e-vite for his upcoming baptism. She didn’t respond on that but on Wednesday….my how the shit hit the fan. So I’m at work and around noon I receive a Facebook message from her stating “her son says we took a DNA test and the baby isn’t his.” Um what?!?!? Like an idiot I responded to her message and told her that he signed the birth certificate, I’d send her a screenshot of it when I got home…because she needed to know I’m no liar then told her I wasn’t trying to force any interaction. However seeing as how my son shares their last name I thought it would be cool to have both sides of my son’s family present at his baptism. I felt so sick. I absolutely couldn’t believe I was going through this, I couldn’t believe she sent me that message. This was the beginning of a slow and painful emotional death-unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. So I called him…..and of course he didn’t answer so I went off via voicemail. I told him what happened and how his mother told me he told her our son wasn’t his….and hurled a million insults ranging from “he’s dead to me; to how could you do this to us; to you’re a deadbeat ass father; lying piece of shit” and honestly those are just the insults I remember hurling at him via voicemail. Then he called back…

By that time I was no longer on my lunch break and couldn’t respond to him, but I’ll tell you this he didn’t leave a voicemail, didn’t texts, nor did he call my work phone. In my distraught mind he didn’t try to contact me more than once because everything she said was true. Before I take a deep dive into our phone call later that night and his lack of an explanation I know you’re wondering what made me believe her? Why was her story so believable before I even talked to him…..

It’s simple, her story was believable because it matched his (in)actions. When I first told him I was pregnant he was not happy. One, because we found out so late(31 weeks and 1 day when I found out), and as he said “there’s nothing we can do about it now” (ie…it’s too late for an abortion). I specifically asked him that night “are you going to be apart of our son’s life or will I be doing this on my own?” He told me he didn’t like the circumstances, we weren’t ready but he was going to be right there every step of the way. Even though he was visibly shook I still believed him. He came to exactly ONE of my prenatal appointments in spite of the fact that I allowed him to pick the days (he knew what days were free on his schedule so he knew if he could make it or not). Next, he skipped the maternity shoot. I’m a first time mom, and yes I’m scared out of my mind about having 6-8 weeks to prepare for a WHOLE BABY but the maternity shoot was one thing that sort of calmed me down. He already had a child, a daughter and I was bringing his first son into the world, I figured he’d want to be there for the shoot but um no. Baby shower!! Another stressful event…more planning….more stress and headaches but once the day came it was really fun and I was humbled to be around people who loved me enough to buy my baby gifts….and who were genuinely happy to see me pregnant. I knew his parents weren’t coming because supposedly they were going to be out of town that weekend but none of his family came…..no brothers…no cousins…..not even him. He supposedly took off work then “got called in at the last minute because someone got hurt”. Technically he took the joy out of the baby shower, I sat there trying to fake happy but really pissed because at the last minute he told me he couldn’t come…to our baby shower…..OUR shower…..everything had both our names on it. Yup, let that marinate for a moment.

He missed our son’s birth….(yes, let that marinate as well). He came to the hospital before I had him but since he started a new job that day and orientation was at 10am he left for orientation. Realistically since he kept up with the progress of everything I figured he was coming back after orientation was over, however I was wrong!!! He missed the birth; he did come early the next morning to sign the birth certificate and yes he left about 1pm to pick up his daughter from school. Before you ask no he didn’t bring her back to meet her brother; yes I was a fool and thought he would. My son and I went home the next day and he didn’t come visit. Actually my son was 10 days old before he saw his father again….work schedule….it was mandatory overtime at Amazon because you know…holiday season. Did I mention my son was 10 days old on Thanksgiving? Yup..and no he didn’t invite us to have dinner with his family; he didn’t bring them over to see the baby when he came; he didn’t take pictures of him in his little my first thanksgiving outfit…nothing. He stayed maybe 90 minutes so I couldn’t complain that he didn’t come over then left for work. My son is almost 2 and he’s not once been with us to a doctor’s appointment…not his very first appointment, and not his circumcision. Didn’t call to check on him that day…guys this is only the first month of life. I’m totally sure you understand why his mom’s statement was so believable. I don’t need to continue running down the list of “donts, didnts, and missed events.

Now that you understand why I believed her and called him going off let’s get back to the story at hand. He and I finally talked that night and he told me that he doesn’t know why she said that. He never told her that and he hadn’t talked to her yet to find out why she said that to me. However, he had a serious attitude about the things I said to him, he didn’t appreciate me jumping to conclusions as he put it without talking to him first, and my personal favorite his feelings were hurt because I told him he was dead to me. I didn’t care that he was hurt I wanted him to feel the same pain I felt. And I told him I’d apologize for my words if he apologized for her actions and checked her. A year later and he still refuses to apologize for the lie that was told because in his illustrious words “ he didn’t say that.”

I went to bed pissed off, hurt, infuriated, crushed, emotionally drained….and with nothing resolved. I made myself sleep because I had to work in the morning. No matter how much I wanted to call off and stay at home in a shell I couldn’t. I woke up the next morning and got ready for work, kissed my baby on the way out, got in my car and called his father. He picked up, told me he’d talked to his mother and she was confused. Bruh, confused about what? I’m not some random chick you met . We’ve been dating on and off since we were 14 what do you mean she was confused?!?! I never really got an answer for that, but it pissed me off even more. Confused I asked, how so? Are you messing around with someone else who is or was supposedly pregnant? Was the ex that popped up at your house a few months prior to all of this pregnant? Had she (whoever she was) already gave birth? Is that what that incident was about and you didn’t wanna tell me? I never got answers, only more reason to be pissed. The silence allowed me to think what I wanted to and fill in the blanks how I saw fit. That did nothing more than piss me off!! I thought men fought for the women they loved? I thought men at least tried to lie to you, but you’re just silent and when you do speak you’re talking about how hurt you are?!?! Hmmm no,this is not about how hurt you are. Your hurt doesn’t matter. At this point I was screaming at him so badly until I just hung the phone up. There was nothing more I could say. I went to work, acted like nothin happened, held it together but cried like a baby as soon as I clocked out.

I went home to do what I should’ve done the previous day…..pray. Just pray and turn all my grief, frustration, anger and fear over to God. Once I really prayed I felt better but ai didn’t feel better (not sure if that makes sense to anyone). God told me that He’d be with me and guide me through this but I had to do some things: I needed to apologize to my child’s father…..I couldn’t expect him to apologize to me if I was unwilling to do the same. Secondly, I was to forgive my child’s father and pray for him….(nowhere near easy, and may have been the hardest thing He asked me to do, and finally I was to seek counseling. 

When you’re at such a terrible place in your life and you pray to God for answers, don’t get answers(even to this date I have no clue why I had to go through this) but instead He gives you actions to take toward your own healing….you just have to do it. Irregardless of how I felt I called him Friday morning and apologized for call him him a deadbeat and saying he was dead to me. I meant the apology for as much as I could at the time. No, he has NEVER apologized to me and one hear later I am ok with this. Forgiveness…..(takes deep breath) yes in the same voicemail I left apologizing I also told him that as forgive him. That’s….well….really difficult. It’s not something you can say once and it be done. Forgiving him for what he did is a DAILY decision and it’s never easy. At some point I had to forgive his mother as well, you may not think I should’ve been pissed with her in the beginning but I was and that’s not something aim going to explain. Therapy, well that was for me. It’s too ensure that I’m not passively transferring any ill feelings to my son; it’s to make sure I’m not afraid to love again; and it’s to help me navigate filling that void-after all this was a 19 year relationship that was abruptly done. 

I sought after and found a therapist my insurance would cover…and allowed the healing to begin. Now if you know me you know in my mind therapy and healing was going to be quick… couldn’t take more than 8 weeks right?!? Wrong!!!! While I’m at peace with my life, and in a much better place emotionally and mentally I am still seeing my therapist….but let’s work our way up to that.

In the last voicemail I left my son’s father( 2 days before baptism) I told him that I still  wanted him to be apart of our child’s life…I wasn’t looking for a relationship or even friendship out of him but our son needed him and as long as the conversation was about our son I’d be professional. I later found out even my extending to be professional just wasn’t going to work…but we’ll get there too.

He missed the baptism, and a month later missed our son’s first birthday party. In a conversation we had later he told me that he didn’t remember the details since I’d deleted the invites out of his calendar. This was not a good defense as his mother had e-vites for BOTH events. He face timed the day before and on our son’s birthday and we argued about that. Obviously I knew he wasn’t going to spend time with our son for Thanksgiving but we managed to work something out for Christmas. He was going to give me money to help purchase presents( notice that’s the first time I mentioned he gave money for something) and he’d come over on Christmas Eve to watch our son open presents. Hmmmm, good thing I went with my gut and didn’t keep our son up to wait for him because he never showed. When I texted days later and asked what happened he responded “ he had to work late” and texting me to inform me of that never crossed his mind. 

We argued on New Years; we argued in January when he FaceTimed my son; we argued in February via text….totally my fault. I’m not sure why I tried treating him as an equal co parent when I switched daycare providers for my son. The pattern was anytime he called, texted, or face timed we argued. Guys, this was so exhausting. Even my therapist asked why I continued the pattern with him when he wasn’t doing anything on a consistent basis. My response without hesitation was always “ I told him we’d co parent” so I have to deal with this for my son. One day in May after having yet another argument about only God knows what(for some reason I called him about the baby having an allergic reaction and to let him know what was going on) I was done. OVER IT!!!! 

ENTER PEACE, TRIUMPH AND CELEBRATION!!!