In Growth(ish) Part 1 I detailed an account of how and why I decided to skip out on a friend’s birthday party. I was really proud of myself because I could totally see the growth in my decision making process but also the growth in my comfort and acceptance of my single parent situation. Of course this means I was tested(deep sigh). It wasn’t the hardest of situations but it certainly forced me to come to grips with some things and acknowledge my feelings. Here goes…..
Quick background of that story I was invited to a party of a mutual friend of mine and my son’s father. After waiting to see if my son’s father would attend I decided not to go. It was just best for me to avoid him ESPECIALLY since he was bringing a plus one AND our mutual friend has no clue about the situation between us. Now that you’re all caught up that party took place on February 8th…..but on February 7th boy did I have the shock of a lifetime!!! My son and I were attending one of his toddler playpals’ 2nd birthday party in the south suburbs. Now you all don’t know this because I seldomly voice it but I attempt to stay away from the south side of the city, more specifically places I know my child’s father frequents. Yup, this extra huge city with over 3 million people and I tend to avoid one part of the city all to steer clear of one person…that’s an entirely different story. Any who, this was the south suburbs and at a children’s play venue…..not that I actually worried or previously thought about it but very low chance of running into that man.
My son and I are enjoying the party, the parents, the other little boys, the food (lol) and then it happened……while on the obstacle course I SWORE I saw my child’s father, and the infuriating part was he was with another child!!!!! Now, if it’s one thing I’m glad about it’s that I’ve learned to investigate before acting. Blood boiling, I quickly told my son “let’s go the other way around”, I needed to observe this man without being creepy. While on the other side of the obstacle course I watched the guy’s movements; motions; looked at his build and demeanor again; eyed the child trying to figure out where in the san-blue hell a 6-8 year old girl I knew nothing about could or would’ve come from. I contemplated how to approach him if it were actually my son’s father…..all of that occurred in less than three minutes, kid you not lol(women are great private detectives when necessary). You know what? I did all of that and it wasn’t even him!!!!! My brain, my emotions, everything was able to relax again. I was thoroughly embarrassed but able to play it off because no one knew what was going on. My son and I continued to enjoy the party and left at the end with no one, including the other guy having any idea of what transpired.
Even though I was able to save face, this occurrence really forced me to reflect on myself. Had I really healed? Was I truly over this guy? Why did the thought of him set me on edge? I realized it wasn’t the thought of seeing him that put me over the edge. I saw with my own two eyes that he was bringing someone else to a party and that didn’t affect me emotionally. I didn’t want him back; and I really have made strides in my healing. There was only one other time I got pissed at the thought of seeing him, and that too was a day I thought I saw him with another kid. That’s when I realized it wasn’t the thought of seeing him that upset me, it was the thought of him taking care of or spending time with another child that boiled my blood.
In that moment I didn’t take time to tell myself I was wrong for feeling that way, in that moment I was proud of myself for being up front and honest. Sometimes when we’re healing it’s easy to hide the truth from ourselves, I chose not to do that. Secondly, I gave myself permission to have those feelings. Are they good feelings; no. Can I control him; no….but it’s ok for me to feel the way I do. This is someone who rejected his child in every way imaginable, it makes sense for me to react strongly to that. However, now that I know and understand I have these feelings it’s something I need to work on; pray over; and perhaps even game plan how I should deal with it. It’s been about two weeks since this happened and I still don’t have a game plan for how to handle the fact that one day I may see him parenting another child. I plan to but haven’t done so yet. In fact if I’m being totally honest this is the first time I’ve openly talked/wrote about the situation. I believe this is the second step in confronting my feelings. I’ve acknowledged them, and now I’m admitting them. It may sound cliche’ but it actually feels really good to be open; in fact it’s freeing. Now I can pray over it, pray for healing of those feelings but also pray for my son’s healing in that department. If I get pissed at the possibility of seeing him parent another child I can only imagine how that will affect my son. I think I also need to pray over the characteristics of the father I desire for my child; and for my child not to feel any sense of “missing out on things/love”; and for his restoration.
Still Mama Mia 