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Growth(ish) Part 2: Real Recognize Real

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In Growth(ish) Part 1 I detailed an account of how and why I decided to skip out on a friend’s birthday party. I was really proud of myself because I could totally see the growth in my decision making process but also the growth in my comfort and acceptance of my single parent situation. Of course this means I was tested(deep sigh). It wasn’t the hardest of situations but it certainly forced me to come to grips with some things and acknowledge my feelings. Here goes…..

Quick background of that story I was invited to a party of a mutual friend of mine and my son’s father. After waiting to see if my son’s father would attend I decided not to go. It was just best for me to avoid him ESPECIALLY since he was bringing a plus one AND our mutual friend has no clue about the situation between us. Now that you’re all caught up that party took place on February 8th…..but on February 7th boy did I have the shock of a lifetime!!! My son and I were attending one of his toddler playpals’ 2nd birthday party in the south suburbs. Now you all don’t know this because I seldomly voice it but I attempt to stay away from the south side of the city, more specifically places I know my child’s father frequents. Yup, this extra huge city with over 3 million people and I tend to avoid one part of the city all to steer clear of one person…that’s an entirely different story. Any who, this was the south suburbs and at a children’s play venue…..not that I actually worried or previously thought about it but very low chance of running into that man.

My son and I are enjoying the party, the parents, the other little boys, the food (lol) and then it happened……while on the obstacle course I SWORE I saw my child’s father, and the infuriating part was he was with another child!!!!! Now, if it’s one thing I’m glad about it’s that I’ve learned to investigate before acting. Blood boiling, I quickly told my son “let’s go the other way around”, I needed to observe this man without being creepy. While on the other side of the obstacle course I watched the guy’s movements; motions; looked at his build and demeanor again; eyed the child trying to figure out where in the san-blue hell a 6-8 year old girl I knew nothing about could or would’ve come from. I contemplated how to approach him if it were actually my son’s father…..all of that occurred in less than three minutes, kid you not lol(women are great private detectives when necessary). You know what? I did all of that and it wasn’t even him!!!!! My brain, my emotions, everything was able to relax again. I was thoroughly embarrassed but able to play it off because no one knew what was going on. My son and I continued to enjoy the party and left at the end with no one, including the other guy having any idea of what transpired.

Even though I was able to save face, this occurrence really forced me to reflect on myself. Had I really healed? Was I truly over this guy? Why did the thought of him set me on edge? I realized it wasn’t the thought of seeing him that put me over the edge. I saw with my own two eyes that he was bringing someone else to a party and that didn’t affect me emotionally. I didn’t want him back; and I really have made strides in my healing. There was only one other time I got pissed at the thought of seeing him, and that too was a day I thought I saw him with another kid. That’s when I realized it wasn’t the thought of seeing him that upset me, it was the thought of him taking care of or spending time with another child that boiled my blood.

In that moment I didn’t take time to tell myself I was wrong for feeling that way, in that moment I was proud of myself for being up front and honest. Sometimes when we’re healing it’s easy to hide the truth from ourselves, I chose not to do that. Secondly, I gave myself permission to have those feelings. Are they good feelings; no. Can I control him; no….but it’s ok for me to feel the way I do. This is someone who rejected his child in every way imaginable, it makes sense for me to react strongly to that. However, now that I know and understand I have these feelings it’s something I need to work on; pray over; and perhaps even game plan how I should deal with it. It’s been about two weeks since this happened and I still don’t have a game plan for how to handle the fact that one day I may see him parenting another child. I plan to but haven’t done so yet. In fact if I’m being totally honest this is the first time I’ve openly talked/wrote about the situation. I believe this is the second step in confronting my feelings. I’ve acknowledged them, and now I’m admitting them. It may sound cliche’ but it actually feels really good to be open; in fact it’s freeing. Now I can pray over it, pray for healing of those feelings but also pray for my son’s healing in that department. If I get pissed at the possibility of seeing him parent another child I can only imagine how that will affect my son. I think I also need to pray over the characteristics of the father I desire for my child; and for my child not to feel any sense of “missing out on things/love”; and for his restoration.

Growth(ish)

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I know I started an intriguing blog a couple of weeks ago regarding the process of getting my son’s passport and I know I haven’t give you guys part two; I PROMISE it’s coming! Life keeps happening and that means there have been other things I’ve needed to write about to keep you guys included on my parental journey. I promise, promise, promise I will conclude that but this isn’t the day. Today, I’m going to tell you about another chance for growth that recently occurred.

As is the common theme when you’re with someone for a long time the two of you obatin mutual friends. Naturally that’s the case with my son’s father and I; we have friends we went to high school with; and then we have random mutual friends. As it so happens this particular mutual friend knows both my son’s father and I from two totally different times. He went to Elementary School (K-8th here in the big city) with my son’s father; and he went to college with me. The interesting thing about our mutual friendship is he and his wife have a daughter that is a few months older than our son. The kids ended up in daycare together for a brief period and now they’re in the same swim class. While this particular mutual friend has never seen my son with his father he respects and acknowledges him as such; and in spite of everything that went down between us I’m not going to correct that……or shall I say I hadn’t corrected it. As I’m writing this I can’t think of a time where we’ve talked about my son’s father having anything to do with my son(inserts shrug). Enough with the background info though…..

Last week sometime our mutual friend invited both of us to his birthday party. I saw that was the case, so while I wanted to attend the party I decided to wait and see if my son’s father would RSVP and then make my decision. I checked the RSVP list yesterday (the party is Saturday)and saw that my son’s father RSVP’ed for two people. Thoroughly irritated out of shear shock he RSVP’ed I decided not to go. Before we move forward no, I wasn’t irritated because he RSVP’ed for two. Honestly he could have a brother, or cousin, or anyone accompanying him….even if it is another woman that’s not my business. I was irritated because seeing his RSVP made me recall all the Saturday nights he was “too tired from work” or “working too late” and couldn’t/wouldn’t come see our son. I was irritated because this same “workaholic” individual who blew off our then infant son somehow made time to attend a birthday party. I was irritated because this individual who hasn’t seen our son in eighteen months isn’t trying to rectify that and build a relationship with my son BUT chose to go to a party. Talk about having your priorities straight!! That was the premise of my irritation but also another confirmation that I’d made the correct decision in not trying to force a relationship between he and my son. After all it was abundantly clear he did and does NOT want a relationship with my son. His actions, rather inaction further cement my belief that he told his parents that our son wasn’t his which is how we got here in the beginning……BUT back to the story at hand:)

Before RSVP’ing (even though I knew I wasn’t going) I talked it through with my two besties. In situations like this it’s nice to be able to bounce your thoughts and feelings off people who legitimately care about your well being and will be honest with you. We all agreed this was not the ideal situation for me. This is where part one of the growth comes in…..twenty something year old me would’ve grabbed one of my male friends that neither of them know; put on my best dress; and go to the party just to piss him off. Almost thirty-five year old me was able to say screw that and live happily ever after lol! Like didn’t even think about it. I am the MASTER of flirting AND I know exactly how to push all of his buttons…the fact that none of this came to mind is serious growth.

Today I decided to register my “No” RSVP on Evite. I thanked our mutual friend for the invite but told him I couldn’t make it. Next, because I know I’ll see his wife in swim lessons I sent a quick text informing our mutual friend that I couldn’t make the party but the three of us should schedule an adult outing soon. He promptly replied saying he was sorry to hear I wasn’t coming but if anything changed please stop through. Second evidence of growth (lolbs) PETTY me would’ve responded with something snarky eluding to the fact that my son’s father was a deadbeat that didn’t deserve to breath the same air as me….BUT I didn’t go there. I simply “liked” the message and left it alone. Not that I’ve ever been messy but um…petty is another story. Today it just wasn’t worth it; no point of looking like the bitter ex girlfriend/baby mama when that’s not the case. Could I tell him about his friend, yes. Should I? In this situation no. Now if it comes to a point where I need to defend myself or clarify some comments my son’s father makes well that’s different. However, I am not going to initiate anything. Our business is our business and I’m not going to out that.

So why growth ish instead of growth? Because while I didn’t feel the need to show up and show out part of me still wanted to be petty. Yes, I resisted the urge but it was still there. While I am celebrating my growth, I am also taking the time to realize there’s still more work to be done. At this point my life and the choices I make don’t just affect me, but also my son. I want to lead and teach by example being mean spirited, provocative, and petty are not examples I want to set for my toddler. I’m happy, I’m blessed, and so is my son. No need to stoop to low levels.

Growth: progressive development; a stage or condition in increasing; developing; or maturing.

Not quite there yet, but certainly on the way!!

Lessons for 2020

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If I had to characterize 2019 in one word that word would be growth. If you’ve been reading the blog from the beginning or even read the entire thing in one week I think it was clear how over time my perspective; comfort level; and acceptance of things began to change. I’m  extremely appreciative for my growth and even more appreciative that I was able to understand and realize that it was a year of growth…and a few set ups as well. Upon examining a few highlights of the year I discovered a reoccurring theme; selectivity. Had I not been down right stubborn and ultra selective about some things I’m not sure they would’ve turned out the way they did. I then wondered why was it a huge shock that being selective was the difference maker in a lot of situations; I’ve always been extremely selective, it’s one of my strengths. Yet, something seemed different about my selectivity this year. It felt as if I almost had to force myself to be selective and therefore needed to celebrate the fact that I followed through.

Then it hit me, being selective was extremely hard for me last year AND many times I had to fight myself to even do it! What changed? Why was I now seemingly forcing myself into something I’d always done? The answer, MOTHERHOOD and not just any motherhood SINGLE MOTHERHOOD! As parents we’re expected to sacrifice for our children, but as single mothers(and I suspect fathers as well) it gets to a point where it appears that ALL you do is sacrifice. In my case I always put myself last and that’s if I ended up on the list at all. Yes, I have a support system but it’s relatively small and if it seems as though I’m exhausting my support system my mind automatically defaults to settling. Settling because “this is a temporary fix”; settling because I feel/felt alone or have to do things on my own; settling because “it just needs to get done.” My inner self wouldn’t allow me to “settle” and so while having internal battles; doubts; and while often hoping, praying I didn’t lose out on one option to get to what I deemed a better option I…was selective!!

And…it…WORKED!!!!! For example, my job situation this year has been nothing short of interesting. I began the year at a company that attempted to rob me of my work life balance; while attempting to tear into my confidence. For a few months I stayed. I stayed while they stressed me out; gave me terrible reviews; took me away from my child by lengthening my hours AND calling while I was at home with him. I looked into some other jobs and even my current career but thought “no this is a battle I can win” so I stayed. One day I realized my peace wasn’t worth that job so I decided to take that leap of faith quit my job and get my Real Estate license. It was a risky yet calculated move and it paid off. 

I also became more selective about who I allowed in my space. Easiest example being my son’s father. After 6-7 months of talking once a month (more like arguing once a month about whose fault it was that we were in that situation) I decided he no longer deserved to be in my space. He was a disruptor of my peace. If we’re only talking once a month but in those times you aren’t making arrangements to visit your child; you’re not asking what he needs; not paying for anything pertaining to him…why am I allowing you to continue taking my peace?!? I honestly can’t make you want to be a father; I can only extend a functional co-parenting space so much. The decision to be involved is and was on him. So why was I sacrificing my peace in an effort to get him involved? I decided to discontinue further communication with him until he reached out AND unless it was about our son. Seven months later and we still aren’t talking BUT I’m at peace.

Around September Real Estate began to slow down, totally normal and thus began my search for a part time job. I had standards though; I needed to be off by 5pm; I couldn’t work weekends; and I needed to be paid a minimum of $17/hour. I knew my expenses upfront, I knew what I needed to bring in to supplement my real estate income; and most importantly I knew even with the addition of another job I needed to be a present parent. I applied for several jobs; got called for a lot of interviews; turned down a decent portion of those interviews; went to the other half and was offered the job but turned it down after finding out some of the unlisted logistics. At the end of the day these jobs were not in my parameters, they didn’t fit my needs, some of them would’ve created a larger need; and they would’ve taken me away from my son. These positions weren’t right for me, yet without any external pressure I found myself wondering if I was doing the right thing and sometimes stressed and impatient with the process. It was here that I considered settling. Maybe a little extra income was better than no extra income. Maybe I was being too picky; was I really in a position to be so selective? All types of questions. Inspite of my doubts I stuck to my guns and refused to settle. I ended up getting a part time (sort of independent contractor still) position that pays a little more than what I need; has the perfect hours: and allows me to be with my son. All because I was selective. 

My reflection period caused me to realize that selectivity enabled me to regain peace; independence of time; pay bills without worrying; and be a present, involved mother to my son. The same thing I was afraid would be a hindrance helped! While I understand why single parents have more doubts; are sometimes reserved in their decision making process; and feel safer settling  I also now understand why it’s so important to fight those feelings and be selective!! It’s intimidating as ever when there’s more than your own life and wellbeing at stake but it has to be done. If we settle we’re actually relinquishing our joy and peace. By settling we’re also indirectly teaching our children that it’s alright to settle. We’re teaching them to live by fear instead of faith. That’s not a lesson I want my child to learn, that’s not what I want him to believe. 

In closing as 2019 ends and 2020 begins I am thankful for 2019 and it’s many lessons; I’m thankful for what I realized were a number of highs. I’m thankful that I learned early in my single parent journey and will continue to mindfully execute selectivity in the future

Cheers to 2020