Tag Archives: frustrated mom

Son, I Too Have Asked “Where Is Your Daddy?”

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Another month in 2020, another month under a Stay at Home Order. t was my intention to release this blog last week but I spent my free time searching for a dog for my son. No such luck yet, but the rationale behind him getting a dog is an entirely different blog altogether. I’ve recently written a few blogs detailing how my son has been questioning and for as much as a toddler can- working through the answer to his burning question “where is my daddy?” This is something that I’ve continued to both pray on and blog about. I’ve gotten some good suggestions from you all and for that I thank you. This particular blog is going to take a different turn. It’s something I wrote to my son’s father on my son’s first birthday but never sent. When I found it in the notes section of my phone I debated writing it out and putting it away for my son to read at a much later age-not because I want him to hate his father but because I originally thought it would help if he saw that he wasn’t the only one with that question. As I sat reading the letter I decided against writing it out for my son to read; I feel it’s too emotional and I honestly don’t want him to combine my past pain with whatever pain he may be working through at that (future) stage of his life. I also flat out just don’t want my son to worry about me, that’s not his job. I have however decided to share the letter with my readers. I want people to know and “see” that healing is possible. Yes, healing hurts and it takes time but it’s worth it. I want people to understand I wasn’t always strong, or forgiving. I want whoever needs to hear this to know someone once walked in your shoes; felt your pain; and plans to make it to the other side. The other side being not only healing and forgiving my son’s father BUT also opening my heart to love again. You, too can do this. So here goes:

11/13/18 this day was so painful. It should’ve been very happy and honestly in spurts it was but as has been the last month, there were random periods of tears. Yup, our child’s first birthday and I cried….several times actually. The first time I cried was because I wanted to text you, well obviously that wasn’t an option but I realized the very reason I wanted to text, you honestly wouldn’t have been able to share with me. I wanted to reminisce, recall what was going on at certain points, reflect on how we felt or reacted to different events on the day I brought our son into the world. Slowly, I remembered you weren’t there. I couldn’t reminisce or recall with you; and there certainly could be no reflection because you weren’t there. Flashback to one year ago, I needed you so much that day. I needed you to hold my hand; to calm my nerves; to reassure me that everything was ok and I was doing a good job….cuz well I didn’t believe the nursing staff. I thought they kept telling me that just to keep me calm, to keep my blood pressure and heart rate down, to keep me from throwing up. I remember finally deciding to get the epidural after approximately 24 hours of labor with very little pain meds thinking “I don’t want this but if I end up having a c-section I also don’t wanna be knocked out and in recovery for 2 hours and not being able to hold my baby. My baby needs to feel one of his parents within the first few minutes of life…not after 2 hours.” I agreed, and in came the anesthesiologist explaining to me that I needed to be very still while he was placing the epidural in my back, even if I had a contraction I had to be still. If I moved I could risk him hitting a nerve and paralyzing me. Welp, the first time he tried I had one hell of a contraction, moved, screamed….he jumped and barely got the thing in. He took a step back, looked at it said it was terribly placed and he was gonna take that one out and reinsert it. Sir, I barely got through one attempt now you saying you wanna do it again? I guess the second time was a charm because he placed it perfectly and once it was in I immediately felt the medicine(sweet relief). 

After getting the epidural I remember falling asleep, finally some peace. I woke up  2-3 hours later, got rechecked, assured I’d finally made it to 9cm (because if they were wrong again I would’ve found the energy to scream at them) and being told “whatever you do don’t push; we’re gonna break everything down and set up for your son’s birth.” The. Longest. 30. Mins. Of. My. Life. I wanted to push so many times while they were setting up. It took forever, or so I thought. Finally, the doctor came over and asked if I was ready to deliver I told him no. 26.5 hrs later, the moment I’d been waiting on and I told him no. He asked me why not and I told him you weren’t there yet and you couldn’t miss it. He gave me an empathetic look, stared right into my eyes and told me it wasn’t like the ultrasound where they could keep playing around until you got there. This was different and the baby couldn’t wait. It was time and I had no other options. Fighting back tears I took a deep breath and said ok. Thus the delivery of our son began. 

For as terrible as labor was delivery was  surprisingly easy. It took us about 30 mins. I wore the oxygen mask between pushes to ensure my levels stayed high and that the baby was getting enough energy. It took around 7 pushes, no seriously it didn’t take much. Around the 4th push I looked over at my mom and asked where were you? I whinned about you missing it and her response was he’s probably with his daughter. I asked if you’d texted for an update and she said don’t worry keep pushing…..which meant no. Again, fighting back tears I kept pushing and a few minutes later the most beautiful baby I’ve ever laid eyes on was born. For the first time of many over the course of the last year I had to put my feelings aside and care for him. He made that easy, he immediately snuggled right under me once he was placed into my arms. Which, by the way took a little extra time as they originally didn’t like his heart rate. After a few minutes, his heart rate slowed to a pace they were comfortable with, they cleaned him, measured, weighed in and placed him in my arms. True love at first sight. Looking at him made me happy; holding him made me happy; him snuggling into my chest made me happy. And suddenly I felt too much joy to be sad. All I could do was wish you were there too. 


It dawned on me yesterday while reminiscing on the day our son was born that the day of his birthday was the second time I felt he and I weren’t a priority in your life; unfortunately it was the first time I felt you rejected us. Yesterday I realized I hadn’t forgiven you for not being there, but how could I? You were not there the day I needed you most. On top of that you never apologized for missing it. Ok so you started a new job that day, but you could’ve came back after work. You could’ve called and talked to me, hell you could’ve FaceTime-d me. I would’ve at least felt like you made an effort had any of that been done. Instead you did nothing, you didn’t even communicate to me that you weren’t coming back. Yea, that was the first instance of rejection and that realization triggered this particular burst of tears. That’s our son’s birth story, now you know how it went…and as a result why I cried. 

Quick Tips For Work From Home Moms

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COVID-19 has sent the Nation into a frenzy; rightfully so a lot of States are closing businesses and schools in efforts to slow the spread of the virus. This means a lot of moms will brave an unknown circumstance- working from home. While most people love the idea of working from home few actually want to when there are children involved. Perhaps it’s because of fear of lack of productivity, or maybe the adult interaction. At any rate for the next couple of weeks working from home will be a reality. I’m no expert but I do work from home everyday, and my son stays home with me twice a week(work week). It’s been an interesting seven months working from home BUT these tips have helped me and I believe they’ll help you too!!

1)Make a Schedule: For both you and your child(ren). It’s crucial to set a start and end time for your work day. You don’t want to work all day, but at the same time you need to work enough hours to ensure productivity. Honestly, even when I worked in office settings I never needed the full day to completer assignments. Because of this I tend to work shorter days now that I’m able to work from home.

As for your children they’re used to schedules from daycare or school and will crave the routine. Routines enable children to feel as though they’re in control; and anticipate what’s coming next. While your routine won’t be the same as the one they have at school be sure they have a routine for the duration of their home schooling (or at least your WFH days). If you know you have a conference call at a certain time try to schedule an independent activity for them to complete while you’re on the call. Or if you can schedule conference calls during nap time.

2)Set Deadlines: Deadlines are your friends! They will hold you accountable and determine the pace of your day. You know if you’re working ahead of time or if you need to play catch up. Now unlike being at work if a deadline involves your coworkers be sure they know the deadline. Set several Google Calendar reminders for both you and them, this will ensure everyone meets the deadline.

If you have older children and their education is being transferred to an online curriculum remember that comes with a certain amount of responsibility that they may be uncertain of. Write down their deadlines too have teach them how to use an online calendar and reminder system. If you don’t want them to have an online calendar system teach them about planners and writing down and keeping all deadlines. I find children/youth need a tad more direction with deadlines so help them make daily steps that will enable them to reach deadlines. For example if they have an essay due in one week write the due date on their calendar. Secondly, seven days out from the due date have them write they will brainstorm; six days out from due date have them find sources; five days out maybe a rough draft of the essay. This method keeps the assignment in the forefront as well as ensures it will be turned in on time.

3)Set Expectations: Don;t work aimlessly!! Work towards something, even if it’s a proposal for why you should be allowed to work from home a certain amount of days each week after returning to work.

Expectations for the children gives them something to work towards as well. For example my toddler thinks he can watch television all day if he stays home with me and well that’s not the case. His expectations are: to keep his play area clean; to work on one letter of the alphabet that day; to take a nap (lolbvvs); to work on his colors; body parts; and then maybe watch television. Of course the expectations change day to day and for you the expectations for your children should change according to their age. Be sure to keep the expectations for your child realistic. Also please don’t feel ashamed if you need to stick the kids in front of the television or ipad some days in order to get things done. I recently had to resort to that to handle an unexpected problem. It doesn’t make you a bad mom.

4)Take Hourly Breaks: No matter your surrounding work gets monotonous. Set your phone timer to take hourly breaks. This breaks will keep you rejuvenated and keep your blood flowing. During your breaks feel free to of course check on the kids but also to stretch, do a few body weight exercises; respond to missed texts and emails; and change your surroundings. Also be mindful to set another alarm to remind you to get back to work:)

5)Minimize Controlled Distractions: Unfortunately your children don’t count lol!!! Controlled distractions are your television; music; phone; and social media. If you focus on your work while you’re working and leave those things until your next break you’re certain to be productive AND more than likely you’ll finish working early for the day!!

In closing working from home isn’t perfect no matter how much you plan and schedule. The aforementioned steps just make things a tad easier. Always remember your schedule is an outline or guide; as with anything else with kids always expect the unexpected because well kids. Be as productive as possible; be patient; be proactive! It will be alright!! For more tips and tricks visit my blog home page…there’s quite a few things there.

How To Entertain Your Child Without Adding More TV Time

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I’m a work from home mom so “how to keep my son entertained” is always at the forefront. I often book/plan home showings and arrange my schedule for the day; as well as communicate with clients throughout the day while he’s home. Yes, I prefer to do all of that during nap time but oftentimes that’s not the case.There are also days where I am willing to endure two hours of Sesame Street; Paw Patrol or The Incredibles 2 two consecutive times just to get something done…..it totally happens; however working from home with a toddler/preschooler/young elementary school student can certainly be done. And more importantly can be done without increasing your child(ren’s) television time. Here are a few suggestions to help you through the next few weeks of being at home with your child:

1)Play Outside: While going to the park may or may not be a good idea your yard is not off limits. My son has quite a few toys that we can move outside such as a lawnmower; a trampoline; a basketball rim; a baseball set; a barbeque grill (let’s just say I’m well prepared for summer lol); and a wagon to name a few. We can totally set up some of his toys outside and allow him to play and run off some of his energy. If you don’t have any toys don’t panic; instead revert to old school games like “Tag” “Freeze” or “Johnny Come Across”. If you have smaller children you can always play “Simon Says” or create an Obstacle Course or Scavenger Hunt. If you have multiple children create sort of a “House Cup” challenge r your own March Madness tournament(clearly I’m watching Harry Potter and missing March Madness lolnvvs). Be creative and have fun!

2)Virtual Story Time/Music Class: There are so many children’s playrooms and such that are closing to the public but that are choosing to host virtual classes. It’s actually a smart idea. Go to your child’s favorite provider’s website or social media page and see if they’re hosting any online classes.

3)Arts and Crafts: Three words Pinterest and The Dollar Store!!! I’m not the least bit artistic in this manner but Pinterest rescues me every time. They have loads of projects you can do with your little person. One of the things I love about Pinterest is you find out as you read through the comments what works best; how messy the project was; etc. Once you’ve selected your project(s) visit your local Dollar Store and grab your items (if they’re not already in your house). As I remind myself when my son is busy with arts and crafts, be patient and smile through it…cuss while cleaning up 🙂

4)Garden: I have no clue where you live but if it’s nice enough plant a garden. If you have young children it’ll be really cool to plant things and teach them the life cycle of plants and flowers. If you have somewhat older children, maybe preschool and older you can allow them to journal or vlog about the daily or weekly progress of the plant and what if anything was done to it that day. Talk about science in action!

5)Sew: Sewing works on eye hand coordination; teaches focus and goal setting; and working to meet deadlines. I find whatever you;re working on be it a potholder; over mitt; or crochet rug really sparks your creativity and allows those creative juices to flow.

6)Flashcards: Amazon, The Dollar Store, or dare I say it homemade ones!!! Flashcards are a good way for your children to review or to learn new things. Flashcards are good for any age and you can use them with any subjects from shapes and colors to ACT/SAT prep and beyond. Flashcards are becoming such a popular thing that there are now apps on our smart devices for them. Various educational websites are beginning to have flashcards as well. You can now print them off with worksheets.

7)Poetry Set: This one can be really fun with multiple kids but it also may require some teaching. Set a time, set the lights and some music (if you wish) and let each child read a poem or two of their own writing. If it’s difficult for them to write a poem allow them to research a poem or two and read those. The people you live with can be the audience and you guys can cheer one another on. This also leads me to my next point….

8)Talent Show: Much like the Talent Show your loved ones can be the participants and the audience. Allow everyone to perform whatever they want: a dance; skit; model; sing; play an instrument; whatever cool talent they have. Don’t necessarily have judges…just give participation awards: maybe a snack or certificate or something.

9)Cook: My toddler and I frequently cook together. This allows him to work on motor skills; measurements; concentration; focusing; following instructions; and it’s therapeutic for me while allowing me to spend time with him. I honestly think we bake more together than anything. Find a recipe; take pictures; bake and enjoy your food. Cooking and baking teaches so many life lessons at once.

10) Workout together: My son and I frequently do in home cardio workouts together. Is he actually doing the exercise, well sometimes; BUT is he always tired and ready for a nap after our cardio sessions-ALWAYS!!!!!! Working out together allows your child to release pent up energy while giving you the physical activity you need. We’ve tried Yoga together a few times as well. Yoga doesn’t work too well for us but I hear it works wonders in some kids. YouTube is filled with plenty of Yoga for beginners videos. Take time to indulge.

In closing these are just some of the things you can do with your kids while they’re at home for break. Remember kids are just like adults they don’t want to work all day they require a break. At the same time they don’t need to be on the Ipad or in front of the television all day. Also remember to have a plan. I have a schedule for everyday my son stays home with me. The plan doesn’t always work but it at least gives you a guideline to work with. After planning, execute but also leave a little room for changes.

If you need suggestions for workouts with kids, Yoga, or websites please feel free to comment and I’ll help out.

From Tantrums to Teachable Moments

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Prayer WORKS!!!!!!!!!! Lolbs!! If you read Toddlers -N-Tantrums: Return to Sender(https://chroniclesofasinglemom.home.blog/2020/03/04/toddlers-n-tantrums/) you know I was absolutely OVER my child’s behavior. The thing about being a parent is you can’t give up; no matter how hard it gets; no matter how tired or frustrated you are; and no matter how over it you are…..you have to take a break regroup and keep going. So in true parenting fashion I put my son to bed forty-five minutes early; had another cup of coffee; and took a long hot bath to regroup. I felt so much better afterwards. I was undoubtedly more relaxed; able to think; but most importantly able to keep my mind off him. I had a few good laughs with my girls via text, and off to bed I went.

The next day my son woke up bright and early (much earlier than I would’ve liked) and again about ten minutes after waking up he threw a fit. Why?!?!? Only God in heaven knows. I ignored him, gave him breakfast and commenced to getting his clothes ready for daycare. Per usual I gave him advanced notice that we were going to transition from watching television and snacking to getting ready for school, then gave him the five minute warning, and then started getting him ready. On cue he begins his fit “NO, NO, NO” while screaming, kicking, and trying to wiggle out of my hug. My mom came over for reinforcements and attempted to put his socks on while I washed his face and oiled it and he kicked at her. I sat him up and talked to him about kicking while continuing to dress him and in the midst of his tantrum it clicked!!!!! His tantrums were reminiscent of a child with autism and he’d been watching, and displaying those signs of a meltdown. It’s officially been revealed why his tantrums have gotten worse, thanks God! Now for the fun part….teaching

Once it clicked I immediately knew where my child picked up said behavior: daycare. There’s a little autistic dude at the home daycare and my son frequently plays with him. Like all parents I’m protective of my son including his surroundings and friends. After realizing where my son picked up this behavior my immediate first thought was “he has to stop playing with that kid.” Instantly I knew that was wrong and certainly not the way this situation should be handled. If he’s playing with the child that’s a great thing and a huge parenting win. Him playing with the little boy shows compassion, and kindness two characteristics I’ve worked hard to teach; what I didn’t want was him imitating the behavior and that’s what needed to be separated. As it turns out God answered that for me as well. I looked at my son and told him he’s a leader not a follower; we don’t imitate bad behavior; reminded him he knows the difference between right and wrong; and that he we don’t go through his morning affirmations for nothing; but most importantly I told him I knew where the behavior came from and that while I didn’t approve of his behavior I was proud of him for being a good friend. As a toddler he’s more than likely too young to understand autism but I explained that sometimes people learn differently and can’t communicate their needs and desires which can trigger fierce tantrums/meltdowns. I explained his ability to communicate most of his needs and desires and so tantrums are disappointing. He said he understood and he immediately changed his behavior. For the first time in two weeks he wasn’t outright defiant, disobedient and in his case unbearable.

This won’t be the last time we have a conversation about his behavior; imitating others; and even diverse learners. And much like today he may or may not understand everything I’m saying. In preparation I’m going to find episodes of Sesame Street with the Julia Muppet and teach/reinforce that way.

I’m also proud of myself for recognizing the teachable moment when it arose and for attempting to handle it in a positive way. Had I stuck with my initial reaction I could’ve indirectly erased everything I’ve worked to teach my son about compassion, friendship, and being nice. My negative example would’ve been a lot to overcome. Instead (and most definitely because I prayed first) I was able to view the moment for what it was and use it to both praise and teach my son. We teach our children who we want them to become by what we model.

This two week build up has been extremely exhausting but in some weird way that only makes sense in parenting….it was worth it. I got to see a side of my child that I’m really proud of(his compassion); I got to see characteristics that will make him a great man (grit, determination, focus); but now I also have the opportunity to teach him and train him in real time about “different people” and how to help and be a friend to them while continuing to be himself.

Toddlers -N- Tantrums: Return to Sender

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I’ve never been one to bash any mother’s style. I’ve been a stay at home mom; a working mom and now a work from home mom so I understand the nuisances of each situation. No matter what type of mom you are you’re an amazing mom and only you know what’s best for your family. Do NOT let anyone guilt you over your decisions. Right now I want to send a special shout out to all the stay at home moms of toddlers!!!! Jesus Christ, I have no clue how you all do it! In my book you have the patience of saints because all the random tantrums of the day…..I just can’t lolbvvs!!!!


I work from home two days out of the work week(weekends not included) and my son stays home with me on those days. Today was one of our days together and I had it all planned out. We’d get up at our normal time and head to one of the Children’s museums in the area for a fun day then come home for lunch and a nap; I even found a coupon for discounted entrance. I woke up packed his snacks; got breakfast going; everything was going according to my schedule. Apparently he had other plans because ten minutes after waking up he threw the tantrum of life. Alright, one pre-breakfast tantrum I can manage; sure I think it’s too early for this; of course I have no clue what triggered him but you know what?!? Head down and keep it moving….or at least that’s what I thought. About an hour later he threw a second tantrum (at least this time I knew why) and this one lasted one hour. Yes, you read that right it lasted one full hour of screaming “no, no”; kicking; falling out; thrashing; and flailing. I walked away from him and went to another part of the house, he brought his tantrum to me. I was beyond disappointed in his actions and decisions, not to mention he completely threw off our schedule. More than that I was embarrassed…..thoroughly embarrassed…and we hadn’t even left the house yet.

At that moment I decided a thirty-five to forty-five minute drive to a museum was out of the question. Honestly, at that moment I decided we weren’t going anywhere at all. There was no way I was taking him out of the house for him to act like that in front of people. After he finally pulled himself together I talked to him about why his behavior was inappropriate and how he could’ve hurt himself. Per usual he told me he understood. I then allowed him to watch Sesame Street while I attempted to get ready. He was so calm watching Sesame Street that I debated interrupting him just to run errands. Somewhere in there I decided we’d get out of the house by running errands and instead of the museum he’d have to settle for the park. I managed to get dressed; we got out of the house; and ran all errands with NO tantrums.

Moms, I almost lost my sanity today. His tantrums were so off the chart I almost dropped him off at daycare so I could collect myself. I certainly didn’t want to leave the house. Not leaving the house or at least not wanting to leave the house with him is becoming a reoccurring theme. Over the last two weeks his tantrums have become worse. At this point if you tell him “no” he runs into a corner screaming and acts as if you just told him you were taking all his toys away. Along with the screaming, he’s now thrashing, throwing things, kicking the bed just to much worse than what they normally were. The only thing I’m happy about is he’s not volatile to the point where he will hurt others while at the climax of his tantrums. He doesn’t listen if you tell him to stop because he’ll hurt someone else BUT he does listen if you tell him he’s going to hurt someone else. Bright spot I guess….

While tantrums are a normal part of toddlerhood they’re quickly becoming something that needs to cease. It’s extremely common for parents to feel embarrassed by their children’s tantrums and to my knowledge (I’m a first time mom so that knowledge is limited) society is just now empathizing with moms. While moms deserve the empathy unfortunately all moms/parents/guardians don’t receive said empathy. It was just a few weeks ago when video circulated social media about a young girl in Florida no older than the first grade who was arrested and booked by the police for throwing a tantrum at school(https://youtu.be/MSvWz6t3tfs). Her guardian wasn’t called until after the little girl was booked. Both the school district, and the criminal justice system failed this young girl and her family, but that’s another story altogether. With that type of repercussion there’s no way I can feel comfortable “just letting him outgrow this phase.” Again, I hate to bring race into my parenting blogs but in this instance it totally matters. My little black boy could very well go to jail for throwing a tantrum at school…which means there’s no room to allow him to outgrow this phase.

Since the beginning of his tantrum phase I’ve researched various ways to help him (and subsequently me) get through this. We need to learn self regulation as soon as possible. Here’s what I’ve read; tried; and why it’s failed (insert deep sigh)…

1)No Two Kids are alike: Of all the material I’ve read about toddlers, tantrums, and how to deal with them….none of this has worked me lolbs! Avoid tantrums by keeping the kids fed and full(more or less). This one doesn’t work for us because there are times where my son refuses to eat (toddlerhood) and well he fights a heavyweight battle to keep from going to bed every night. Yet, all the literature I’ve read suggests if you avoid your child being overly hungry or overly stimulated you should in theory be able to avoid a tantrum.

2) Time Outs May or May NOT Work: Not going to lie the leading literature suggests when placing a child in time out to use the one minute per year of age. For example, my son is 2 so 2 minutes should suffice. Well his daycare uses 5 minutes for all the preschoolers and that works there. He’s accustomed to it so there was no point in changing it. We use the same time out terminology and timeframe at home. Some days timeout works, other days not so much. Lately time out isn’t working at all. You can place him in time out, explain why he was in timeout and discuss better choices when he’s done but he comes out and does whatever he shouldn’t do all over again.

3)Ignoring my son NEVER works: You know how some articles say if you give the kid attention while throwing the tantrum that only gives them more ammunition to continue with the tantrum…well ignoring my son doesn’t work either. I happily go to another room (close by so I can monitor his tantrum) while he’s throwing said tantrum and he brings the tantrum to me. KID. YOU. NOT. if I wasn’t so frustrated right now it would actually be funny.

4)Redirection: To be very honest, when he’s older and knows when and when not to be persistent I will really appreciate his tenacity, and persistence. All that to say my son doesn’t quit; if he wants something he wants it and there is no amount of redirection that will change his mind. He’s quite the determined little person, so strong willed and focused. Again, I’ll love all of these characteristics in a few years but not at two.

5)Prayer: no article talks about this one, it’s my own little caveat. Some days we see a change in behavior when it happens…..other days it keeps me just barely patient enough to get to nap time without flipping out(inserts shrug).

In closing as you can see this was a bit of a rant blog(sorry), but I think it’ll spark a mini series on toddler discipline. I’m super curious to open discussions on how parents deal with things and see how parents feel about about societal norms, and “new school” discipline. As you can see I’m so lost(lol)!!! As for these tantrums-I have no idea how to get him through this phase. None of my research is helping; and honestly his tantrums have only gotten worse. Fellow parents, I need some help!!! What do you guys do? What have you done?!? I’m so far PAST over this. Please feel free to leave your comments in the comment section, help a Mama out!!

Potty Training Saga Part 2

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There are days where I want to sit and cry because I am so frustrated and today is one of those days. I am beyond overwhelmed and the reality is as much as I want to give up and take time to cry I can’t….cuz then shit just wouldn’t get done😩 It is in fact the never ending circle of single parenting: Shit gets tough, you have no one to turn to or in my case you don’t want to exhaust the only help you have; you want to cry, want to release your frustrations but honestly there’s no time because “things need to be done.” So what straw broke the camel’s back today? Is it the failed potty training expedition, the stubborn , clingy, toddler/mom needs a break thing; is it the I ant afford to do anything for myself thing; or is it the daycare cost too damn much, how the fuck am I expected to take care of anything else thing? How about it was all of that….no seriously it’s all of that. As I sit on the floor of my bathroom because I wanted some “me time” writing this my stubborn toddler fell asleep while in timeout. Honestly his falling asleep was best for both of us because I no longer had the patience necessary to deal with him. Day 3 of potty training has not show any improvements, dare I say it things I have gotten worse. My son pees the floor and shows no remorse. In fact when showing him the urine and telling him that’s a “no no and that big boys pee in the potty he proceeded to play in the urine. This was the third accident of the day, the second where he flat out showed no remorse and I was over it. Maybe just maybe you aren’t ready. I do NOT have money for diapers but I also no longer have patience for this shit. I put the diaper back on him and he goes “NO”…naw bruh it’s too late for no you should’ve acted right when I was trying. Crazy thing is I know he’s ready, not only does he love his big boy underwear but he pulls off wet diapers and brings them to me, he sits in the potty (most of the time), and he uses it with no problem. He hasn’t figured out how to poop the potty but whatever. The majority of his accidents are just bad timing…..as in I took him off the potty too early and he pissed his underpants. But today he’s being rebellious as all hell and so he refuses to go….and he’s being selectively rebellious…worse. Normally I’m not one to back down from a battle and certainly to one to back down from a challenge with my kid but this timeI don’t have it in me so fuck it you win. Back to diapers you go and back to mommy having to figure out where the diaper money will come from. As if I needed another reason to be frustrated with him he refused to pick up his toys. My kid loves to clean, he loves to straighten things and like most boys he LOVES the praise he gets when he knows he’s made mommy very happy. Over the last week or so not so much; you can praise him all you want and he still jus doesn’t care. Per usual I gave him the bag and said put the blocks in here he in turn told me “no” and snatched away. NIGHT NIGHT buddy, you’re not going to tell me no and think it’s ok….and that’s how I got my quiet time🤷🏾‍♀️

After he went down for timeout I sat to budget my next paycheck…huge mistake. Because of the way the first pay period in September falls I need to pay my daycare provider over $500 from my next check in order to make sure he’s covered. That sent me right over the edge. $360 for two weeks I would’ve been alright with and honestly was expecting that but $540?!?!?! That’s probably a third of what I’m going to receive. My kid needs school supplies and Lord let’s not forget diapers, I need to actually do quite a bit for myself PLUS I have other bills to pay and you want me to give up a third of my check? It may be more than a third because once combined with my car note I think I have $200 left. What the fuck am I suppose to do with that? My calculations sent me into a total talespin of “what and why the fucks?!?!” “What the fuck am I gonna do with $200? Why e fuck does daycare cost so much? Why the fuck am I paying so much for daycare when you’re still asking me to bring supplies? What the fuck am I suppose to put on the back burner this time? Why the fuck is his trifling ass sperm donor helping me? Why the fuck do you idiots think people are o;yo having one to two kids? Why the fuck are y’all wondering dumb shit when the answer is obvious? Who the fuck can I get in the family to watch him because this shit is fucking ridiculous followed by fuck everybody is dead. What the fuck and why the fuck…..now none of this shit actually helps me and honestly it probably does nothing more than keep me hyped up on my emotions….that’s why I call it a tale spin.

Crashing down rom my tale spin I retreat to the bathroom to blog and hopefully have a good cry in the shower….ten minutes of course can’t be in the shower too long in case the kid wakes up. As I type I still haven’t cried nor have I come up with any solutions, nor do I feel better about anything. This has been such a trying year. I honestly thought I was beginning to handle things a little better but as I can see that’s far from the truth. I sit here wishing I was married for the help yet knowing married couples have the same financial problems ESPECIALLY the daycare convo….hell I just listened to one of my married friends tell me this last week. I sit here wishing I made more money, I did the calculations when I switched jobs I need to bring home at least $2000 bi-weekly to afford full time daycare….my kid is currently part time daycare and let’s just say I have yet to hit $2000. The silver lining is at least with my current job there is potential to hit $2000 that wasn’t even a thought in the previous job. Crazy thing is I’m not sure if I actually wish those things or if right now I just feel those are the most obvious solutions to my problems. I sit here closing out this blog realizing I didn’t even tell y’all about day 2 part 2 potty training…I just skipped to the train wreck that was day 3. I guess I’ll have to hop back on and do that later. Right now I need some time to mentally and emotionally relax.