Tag Archives: first time mom

The Underestimation of Homeschooling

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Much like most of America last week was the first week of me homeschooling my son. It wasn’t disastrous but I feel as though it could’ve went a lot smoother. I won’t lie I thought because he stays home with me two days a week that homeschooling wouldn’t be too much different; I severely underestimated. The problem is he’s accustomed to his normal schedule where the days he stays home with me are surrounded by days he goes to daycare. When he saw he was spending every waking moment with me he thought he could be spoiled and get his way….while I had other things in mind. This weekend I decided to take a hard look at where there was room for improvement and take it from there. 

1)My approach: I wasn’t taking homeschooling as “school” I was still in daycare mode. If he’s expected  to take me seriously as his teacher I had to take it seriously as well. With this new found perspective I immediately saw my flaws

2)Plan: unlike our daycare days I couldn’t rely on Pearachute; or a playdate with a friend. I couldn’t rely on running errands; visits with my elderly family members or even his favorite television shows to fill the hours between nap time. I needed a plan or else I was going to fail my son. However I couldn’t write a plan without setting some reasonable expectations for both of us as well as setting goals for the next month( I just want to be prepared) with weekly objectives to help us reach our goals. I also wrote a quick mission statement. 

Mission: I intend to use social distancing to enhance my child’s socioemotional understanding by helping him to de escalate  his tantrums; communicate why he’s frustrated (verbally/non verbally); and accept no (from my mom and I) more willingly. I also plan to use this time to further his counting skills; reinforcing the alphabet; adding more colors to his knowledge. Finally I plan to improve his motor skills through arts and craft, baking, and physical activities. 

Am I doing the absolute most?!? Yes, but can we do it; also yes. It sounds wordy but essentially I’m not trying to raise Einstein lol, I just want to continue building on what he’s learned and make sure he’s kindergarten ready when the time comes. My mission statement carefully lists all of my goals. Each of the goals is broken into weekly learning objectives. These objectives are what enabled me to write weekly lesson plans. Now I know what I’m doing, when, and how I’m doing things. This gives me a much clearer picture and allows me to prepare before each day. I anticipate the daily prep work will make our transitions smoother. 

Do I think things will always go smoothly because I wrote out plans?!? God, no! I do however feel the plans will decrease my frustration level with homeschooling and possibly enhance my productivity in other areas. 

3)Dressing the Part: I work from home, and I’ve done so for a long time. In fact before my son was born I started and ran a small business from my house. Because of this I am very well able to work in my pajamas and still be productive. My mindset doesn’t change according to my outfit as long as I know there is work to do with a goal in mind. Unfortunately my toddler doesn’t quite understand that. It’s no wonder then why he thought watching PBS all morning was an option. He was still in his pajamas!!! Clean, bathed but we weren’t going anywhere so pajamas it was. If homeschooling is going to work I’ll have to change him into school clothes. For that matter I’ll also need to change(leggings and a hoodie will do). I need to preserve as much of his normal routine as possible, and that’s where I failed last week. 

4)Regular Schedule: speaking of routines and normalcy that includes work, specialties and most importantly snacks. For example I know at daycare he has Music class on Mondays and Show and Tell on Wednesdays. I also know his snack, meal, and nap times. I need to follow those times as much as possible if I want homeschooling to be successful. 

5)Expectations: I mentioned this earlier but didn’t go in depth with it. While the expectations are more for me some of them are for him as well. Do I expect him to be able to count to 50 by the end of the month; no. I do however expect him to be engaged; be involved; listen; and at least make attempts. I do and will talk to him about what’s expected of him because it matters. 

6)Communicate: I admit in the hustle and bustle of everything I didn’t actually talk to him about what’s going on. When the week started my son was kept home because he had a cold. I had to nurse and take care of him so it’s a lot harder to communicate the larger scale of everything else when the main concern at that point was him. Now that he’s feeling better and it’s the start of a new week I need to sit him down and have the COVID-19 discussion with him.

7)Be patient and give yourself and your child(ren) grace: This is a brand new situation, one in which many of us are still adjusting to. Even if you made great adjustments last week this week may be about improvement and fine tuning. As parents that just how we operate. While yes you want to use the time you’re spending with your family wisely, it’s important to remember everyone is doing the best they can, and that includes you. Yes, enjoy your family but also remember to take some time for yourself. It can be quite daunting realizing you can’t escape the madness that is your family lolbvs! Slow down, pray, recharge, and then go handle it!! 

In closing I hope this blog helps you prepare to homeschool your children. It’s not fool proof but maybe some of my ideas can assist you and help you come up with things of your own! There are so many free virtual resources available right now. Tune into those, they’re extremely helpful. 

You got this! 

Quick Tips For Work From Home Moms

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COVID-19 has sent the Nation into a frenzy; rightfully so a lot of States are closing businesses and schools in efforts to slow the spread of the virus. This means a lot of moms will brave an unknown circumstance- working from home. While most people love the idea of working from home few actually want to when there are children involved. Perhaps it’s because of fear of lack of productivity, or maybe the adult interaction. At any rate for the next couple of weeks working from home will be a reality. I’m no expert but I do work from home everyday, and my son stays home with me twice a week(work week). It’s been an interesting seven months working from home BUT these tips have helped me and I believe they’ll help you too!!

1)Make a Schedule: For both you and your child(ren). It’s crucial to set a start and end time for your work day. You don’t want to work all day, but at the same time you need to work enough hours to ensure productivity. Honestly, even when I worked in office settings I never needed the full day to completer assignments. Because of this I tend to work shorter days now that I’m able to work from home.

As for your children they’re used to schedules from daycare or school and will crave the routine. Routines enable children to feel as though they’re in control; and anticipate what’s coming next. While your routine won’t be the same as the one they have at school be sure they have a routine for the duration of their home schooling (or at least your WFH days). If you know you have a conference call at a certain time try to schedule an independent activity for them to complete while you’re on the call. Or if you can schedule conference calls during nap time.

2)Set Deadlines: Deadlines are your friends! They will hold you accountable and determine the pace of your day. You know if you’re working ahead of time or if you need to play catch up. Now unlike being at work if a deadline involves your coworkers be sure they know the deadline. Set several Google Calendar reminders for both you and them, this will ensure everyone meets the deadline.

If you have older children and their education is being transferred to an online curriculum remember that comes with a certain amount of responsibility that they may be uncertain of. Write down their deadlines too have teach them how to use an online calendar and reminder system. If you don’t want them to have an online calendar system teach them about planners and writing down and keeping all deadlines. I find children/youth need a tad more direction with deadlines so help them make daily steps that will enable them to reach deadlines. For example if they have an essay due in one week write the due date on their calendar. Secondly, seven days out from the due date have them write they will brainstorm; six days out from due date have them find sources; five days out maybe a rough draft of the essay. This method keeps the assignment in the forefront as well as ensures it will be turned in on time.

3)Set Expectations: Don;t work aimlessly!! Work towards something, even if it’s a proposal for why you should be allowed to work from home a certain amount of days each week after returning to work.

Expectations for the children gives them something to work towards as well. For example my toddler thinks he can watch television all day if he stays home with me and well that’s not the case. His expectations are: to keep his play area clean; to work on one letter of the alphabet that day; to take a nap (lolbvvs); to work on his colors; body parts; and then maybe watch television. Of course the expectations change day to day and for you the expectations for your children should change according to their age. Be sure to keep the expectations for your child realistic. Also please don’t feel ashamed if you need to stick the kids in front of the television or ipad some days in order to get things done. I recently had to resort to that to handle an unexpected problem. It doesn’t make you a bad mom.

4)Take Hourly Breaks: No matter your surrounding work gets monotonous. Set your phone timer to take hourly breaks. This breaks will keep you rejuvenated and keep your blood flowing. During your breaks feel free to of course check on the kids but also to stretch, do a few body weight exercises; respond to missed texts and emails; and change your surroundings. Also be mindful to set another alarm to remind you to get back to work:)

5)Minimize Controlled Distractions: Unfortunately your children don’t count lol!!! Controlled distractions are your television; music; phone; and social media. If you focus on your work while you’re working and leave those things until your next break you’re certain to be productive AND more than likely you’ll finish working early for the day!!

In closing working from home isn’t perfect no matter how much you plan and schedule. The aforementioned steps just make things a tad easier. Always remember your schedule is an outline or guide; as with anything else with kids always expect the unexpected because well kids. Be as productive as possible; be patient; be proactive! It will be alright!! For more tips and tricks visit my blog home page…there’s quite a few things there.

How To Entertain Your Child Without Adding More TV Time

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I’m a work from home mom so “how to keep my son entertained” is always at the forefront. I often book/plan home showings and arrange my schedule for the day; as well as communicate with clients throughout the day while he’s home. Yes, I prefer to do all of that during nap time but oftentimes that’s not the case.There are also days where I am willing to endure two hours of Sesame Street; Paw Patrol or The Incredibles 2 two consecutive times just to get something done…..it totally happens; however working from home with a toddler/preschooler/young elementary school student can certainly be done. And more importantly can be done without increasing your child(ren’s) television time. Here are a few suggestions to help you through the next few weeks of being at home with your child:

1)Play Outside: While going to the park may or may not be a good idea your yard is not off limits. My son has quite a few toys that we can move outside such as a lawnmower; a trampoline; a basketball rim; a baseball set; a barbeque grill (let’s just say I’m well prepared for summer lol); and a wagon to name a few. We can totally set up some of his toys outside and allow him to play and run off some of his energy. If you don’t have any toys don’t panic; instead revert to old school games like “Tag” “Freeze” or “Johnny Come Across”. If you have smaller children you can always play “Simon Says” or create an Obstacle Course or Scavenger Hunt. If you have multiple children create sort of a “House Cup” challenge r your own March Madness tournament(clearly I’m watching Harry Potter and missing March Madness lolnvvs). Be creative and have fun!

2)Virtual Story Time/Music Class: There are so many children’s playrooms and such that are closing to the public but that are choosing to host virtual classes. It’s actually a smart idea. Go to your child’s favorite provider’s website or social media page and see if they’re hosting any online classes.

3)Arts and Crafts: Three words Pinterest and The Dollar Store!!! I’m not the least bit artistic in this manner but Pinterest rescues me every time. They have loads of projects you can do with your little person. One of the things I love about Pinterest is you find out as you read through the comments what works best; how messy the project was; etc. Once you’ve selected your project(s) visit your local Dollar Store and grab your items (if they’re not already in your house). As I remind myself when my son is busy with arts and crafts, be patient and smile through it…cuss while cleaning up 🙂

4)Garden: I have no clue where you live but if it’s nice enough plant a garden. If you have young children it’ll be really cool to plant things and teach them the life cycle of plants and flowers. If you have somewhat older children, maybe preschool and older you can allow them to journal or vlog about the daily or weekly progress of the plant and what if anything was done to it that day. Talk about science in action!

5)Sew: Sewing works on eye hand coordination; teaches focus and goal setting; and working to meet deadlines. I find whatever you;re working on be it a potholder; over mitt; or crochet rug really sparks your creativity and allows those creative juices to flow.

6)Flashcards: Amazon, The Dollar Store, or dare I say it homemade ones!!! Flashcards are a good way for your children to review or to learn new things. Flashcards are good for any age and you can use them with any subjects from shapes and colors to ACT/SAT prep and beyond. Flashcards are becoming such a popular thing that there are now apps on our smart devices for them. Various educational websites are beginning to have flashcards as well. You can now print them off with worksheets.

7)Poetry Set: This one can be really fun with multiple kids but it also may require some teaching. Set a time, set the lights and some music (if you wish) and let each child read a poem or two of their own writing. If it’s difficult for them to write a poem allow them to research a poem or two and read those. The people you live with can be the audience and you guys can cheer one another on. This also leads me to my next point….

8)Talent Show: Much like the Talent Show your loved ones can be the participants and the audience. Allow everyone to perform whatever they want: a dance; skit; model; sing; play an instrument; whatever cool talent they have. Don’t necessarily have judges…just give participation awards: maybe a snack or certificate or something.

9)Cook: My toddler and I frequently cook together. This allows him to work on motor skills; measurements; concentration; focusing; following instructions; and it’s therapeutic for me while allowing me to spend time with him. I honestly think we bake more together than anything. Find a recipe; take pictures; bake and enjoy your food. Cooking and baking teaches so many life lessons at once.

10) Workout together: My son and I frequently do in home cardio workouts together. Is he actually doing the exercise, well sometimes; BUT is he always tired and ready for a nap after our cardio sessions-ALWAYS!!!!!! Working out together allows your child to release pent up energy while giving you the physical activity you need. We’ve tried Yoga together a few times as well. Yoga doesn’t work too well for us but I hear it works wonders in some kids. YouTube is filled with plenty of Yoga for beginners videos. Take time to indulge.

In closing these are just some of the things you can do with your kids while they’re at home for break. Remember kids are just like adults they don’t want to work all day they require a break. At the same time they don’t need to be on the Ipad or in front of the television all day. Also remember to have a plan. I have a schedule for everyday my son stays home with me. The plan doesn’t always work but it at least gives you a guideline to work with. After planning, execute but also leave a little room for changes.

If you need suggestions for workouts with kids, Yoga, or websites please feel free to comment and I’ll help out.

From Tantrums to Teachable Moments

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Prayer WORKS!!!!!!!!!! Lolbs!! If you read Toddlers -N-Tantrums: Return to Sender(https://chroniclesofasinglemom.home.blog/2020/03/04/toddlers-n-tantrums/) you know I was absolutely OVER my child’s behavior. The thing about being a parent is you can’t give up; no matter how hard it gets; no matter how tired or frustrated you are; and no matter how over it you are…..you have to take a break regroup and keep going. So in true parenting fashion I put my son to bed forty-five minutes early; had another cup of coffee; and took a long hot bath to regroup. I felt so much better afterwards. I was undoubtedly more relaxed; able to think; but most importantly able to keep my mind off him. I had a few good laughs with my girls via text, and off to bed I went.

The next day my son woke up bright and early (much earlier than I would’ve liked) and again about ten minutes after waking up he threw a fit. Why?!?!? Only God in heaven knows. I ignored him, gave him breakfast and commenced to getting his clothes ready for daycare. Per usual I gave him advanced notice that we were going to transition from watching television and snacking to getting ready for school, then gave him the five minute warning, and then started getting him ready. On cue he begins his fit “NO, NO, NO” while screaming, kicking, and trying to wiggle out of my hug. My mom came over for reinforcements and attempted to put his socks on while I washed his face and oiled it and he kicked at her. I sat him up and talked to him about kicking while continuing to dress him and in the midst of his tantrum it clicked!!!!! His tantrums were reminiscent of a child with autism and he’d been watching, and displaying those signs of a meltdown. It’s officially been revealed why his tantrums have gotten worse, thanks God! Now for the fun part….teaching

Once it clicked I immediately knew where my child picked up said behavior: daycare. There’s a little autistic dude at the home daycare and my son frequently plays with him. Like all parents I’m protective of my son including his surroundings and friends. After realizing where my son picked up this behavior my immediate first thought was “he has to stop playing with that kid.” Instantly I knew that was wrong and certainly not the way this situation should be handled. If he’s playing with the child that’s a great thing and a huge parenting win. Him playing with the little boy shows compassion, and kindness two characteristics I’ve worked hard to teach; what I didn’t want was him imitating the behavior and that’s what needed to be separated. As it turns out God answered that for me as well. I looked at my son and told him he’s a leader not a follower; we don’t imitate bad behavior; reminded him he knows the difference between right and wrong; and that he we don’t go through his morning affirmations for nothing; but most importantly I told him I knew where the behavior came from and that while I didn’t approve of his behavior I was proud of him for being a good friend. As a toddler he’s more than likely too young to understand autism but I explained that sometimes people learn differently and can’t communicate their needs and desires which can trigger fierce tantrums/meltdowns. I explained his ability to communicate most of his needs and desires and so tantrums are disappointing. He said he understood and he immediately changed his behavior. For the first time in two weeks he wasn’t outright defiant, disobedient and in his case unbearable.

This won’t be the last time we have a conversation about his behavior; imitating others; and even diverse learners. And much like today he may or may not understand everything I’m saying. In preparation I’m going to find episodes of Sesame Street with the Julia Muppet and teach/reinforce that way.

I’m also proud of myself for recognizing the teachable moment when it arose and for attempting to handle it in a positive way. Had I stuck with my initial reaction I could’ve indirectly erased everything I’ve worked to teach my son about compassion, friendship, and being nice. My negative example would’ve been a lot to overcome. Instead (and most definitely because I prayed first) I was able to view the moment for what it was and use it to both praise and teach my son. We teach our children who we want them to become by what we model.

This two week build up has been extremely exhausting but in some weird way that only makes sense in parenting….it was worth it. I got to see a side of my child that I’m really proud of(his compassion); I got to see characteristics that will make him a great man (grit, determination, focus); but now I also have the opportunity to teach him and train him in real time about “different people” and how to help and be a friend to them while continuing to be himself.

Toddlers -N- Tantrums: Return to Sender

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I’ve never been one to bash any mother’s style. I’ve been a stay at home mom; a working mom and now a work from home mom so I understand the nuisances of each situation. No matter what type of mom you are you’re an amazing mom and only you know what’s best for your family. Do NOT let anyone guilt you over your decisions. Right now I want to send a special shout out to all the stay at home moms of toddlers!!!! Jesus Christ, I have no clue how you all do it! In my book you have the patience of saints because all the random tantrums of the day…..I just can’t lolbvvs!!!!


I work from home two days out of the work week(weekends not included) and my son stays home with me on those days. Today was one of our days together and I had it all planned out. We’d get up at our normal time and head to one of the Children’s museums in the area for a fun day then come home for lunch and a nap; I even found a coupon for discounted entrance. I woke up packed his snacks; got breakfast going; everything was going according to my schedule. Apparently he had other plans because ten minutes after waking up he threw the tantrum of life. Alright, one pre-breakfast tantrum I can manage; sure I think it’s too early for this; of course I have no clue what triggered him but you know what?!? Head down and keep it moving….or at least that’s what I thought. About an hour later he threw a second tantrum (at least this time I knew why) and this one lasted one hour. Yes, you read that right it lasted one full hour of screaming “no, no”; kicking; falling out; thrashing; and flailing. I walked away from him and went to another part of the house, he brought his tantrum to me. I was beyond disappointed in his actions and decisions, not to mention he completely threw off our schedule. More than that I was embarrassed…..thoroughly embarrassed…and we hadn’t even left the house yet.

At that moment I decided a thirty-five to forty-five minute drive to a museum was out of the question. Honestly, at that moment I decided we weren’t going anywhere at all. There was no way I was taking him out of the house for him to act like that in front of people. After he finally pulled himself together I talked to him about why his behavior was inappropriate and how he could’ve hurt himself. Per usual he told me he understood. I then allowed him to watch Sesame Street while I attempted to get ready. He was so calm watching Sesame Street that I debated interrupting him just to run errands. Somewhere in there I decided we’d get out of the house by running errands and instead of the museum he’d have to settle for the park. I managed to get dressed; we got out of the house; and ran all errands with NO tantrums.

Moms, I almost lost my sanity today. His tantrums were so off the chart I almost dropped him off at daycare so I could collect myself. I certainly didn’t want to leave the house. Not leaving the house or at least not wanting to leave the house with him is becoming a reoccurring theme. Over the last two weeks his tantrums have become worse. At this point if you tell him “no” he runs into a corner screaming and acts as if you just told him you were taking all his toys away. Along with the screaming, he’s now thrashing, throwing things, kicking the bed just to much worse than what they normally were. The only thing I’m happy about is he’s not volatile to the point where he will hurt others while at the climax of his tantrums. He doesn’t listen if you tell him to stop because he’ll hurt someone else BUT he does listen if you tell him he’s going to hurt someone else. Bright spot I guess….

While tantrums are a normal part of toddlerhood they’re quickly becoming something that needs to cease. It’s extremely common for parents to feel embarrassed by their children’s tantrums and to my knowledge (I’m a first time mom so that knowledge is limited) society is just now empathizing with moms. While moms deserve the empathy unfortunately all moms/parents/guardians don’t receive said empathy. It was just a few weeks ago when video circulated social media about a young girl in Florida no older than the first grade who was arrested and booked by the police for throwing a tantrum at school(https://youtu.be/MSvWz6t3tfs). Her guardian wasn’t called until after the little girl was booked. Both the school district, and the criminal justice system failed this young girl and her family, but that’s another story altogether. With that type of repercussion there’s no way I can feel comfortable “just letting him outgrow this phase.” Again, I hate to bring race into my parenting blogs but in this instance it totally matters. My little black boy could very well go to jail for throwing a tantrum at school…which means there’s no room to allow him to outgrow this phase.

Since the beginning of his tantrum phase I’ve researched various ways to help him (and subsequently me) get through this. We need to learn self regulation as soon as possible. Here’s what I’ve read; tried; and why it’s failed (insert deep sigh)…

1)No Two Kids are alike: Of all the material I’ve read about toddlers, tantrums, and how to deal with them….none of this has worked me lolbs! Avoid tantrums by keeping the kids fed and full(more or less). This one doesn’t work for us because there are times where my son refuses to eat (toddlerhood) and well he fights a heavyweight battle to keep from going to bed every night. Yet, all the literature I’ve read suggests if you avoid your child being overly hungry or overly stimulated you should in theory be able to avoid a tantrum.

2) Time Outs May or May NOT Work: Not going to lie the leading literature suggests when placing a child in time out to use the one minute per year of age. For example, my son is 2 so 2 minutes should suffice. Well his daycare uses 5 minutes for all the preschoolers and that works there. He’s accustomed to it so there was no point in changing it. We use the same time out terminology and timeframe at home. Some days timeout works, other days not so much. Lately time out isn’t working at all. You can place him in time out, explain why he was in timeout and discuss better choices when he’s done but he comes out and does whatever he shouldn’t do all over again.

3)Ignoring my son NEVER works: You know how some articles say if you give the kid attention while throwing the tantrum that only gives them more ammunition to continue with the tantrum…well ignoring my son doesn’t work either. I happily go to another room (close by so I can monitor his tantrum) while he’s throwing said tantrum and he brings the tantrum to me. KID. YOU. NOT. if I wasn’t so frustrated right now it would actually be funny.

4)Redirection: To be very honest, when he’s older and knows when and when not to be persistent I will really appreciate his tenacity, and persistence. All that to say my son doesn’t quit; if he wants something he wants it and there is no amount of redirection that will change his mind. He’s quite the determined little person, so strong willed and focused. Again, I’ll love all of these characteristics in a few years but not at two.

5)Prayer: no article talks about this one, it’s my own little caveat. Some days we see a change in behavior when it happens…..other days it keeps me just barely patient enough to get to nap time without flipping out(inserts shrug).

In closing as you can see this was a bit of a rant blog(sorry), but I think it’ll spark a mini series on toddler discipline. I’m super curious to open discussions on how parents deal with things and see how parents feel about about societal norms, and “new school” discipline. As you can see I’m so lost(lol)!!! As for these tantrums-I have no idea how to get him through this phase. None of my research is helping; and honestly his tantrums have only gotten worse. Fellow parents, I need some help!!! What do you guys do? What have you done?!? I’m so far PAST over this. Please feel free to leave your comments in the comment section, help a Mama out!!

The Downfalls of Single Parenting: Passport Edition Part 2

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Ok; Ok; Ok it’s been over a month since I started writing this mini series: life happened. I ended up writing about some other things that occurred that I wanted to get off my chest; wrote a Valentine’s Day letter to my son; got sick as a dog and for a good two weeks couldn’t write period but I’m back and ready to wrap this series. Besides I’m sure you all want to know what I found out or decided to do.

I put my research skills to use and found not one but two different forms offered by the government for single parents of children wishing to get passports for their children. The first form is a Statement of Consent from the non-applying parent. Essentially you need the other parent to sign this form and have it notarized, then simply take it with you on the day you and your child go apply. For most co-parenting situations this form is probably ideal, unfortunately it wasn’t good enough for my situation. Sure I can suddenly call this dude and tell him I’m emailing or mailing this form to him and ask him to send it back signed and notarized but if we’re not communicating this isn’t an option. …back to researching.

There is indeed a second form and this one is perfect for my situation, it’s called the Exigent/Special Family Circumstances. Now I wish I could say its super easy to use this form but based on what I’ve read it’s not. You have to prove the person is non-responsive and you need to prove why the passport needs to be expedited. I honestly won’t try to go into too much details about this form because I don’t want to mislead anyone. Instead, if this form appeals to your situation please follow this link https://www.us-passport-service-guide.com/get-a-passport-for-a-child-under-exigent-special-family-circumstances.html

In closing, the aforementioned link will provide so much information in regards to obtaining a passport for a minor. Unfortunately it is a LOT harder for us single parents but I’m determined not to allow that to stop me from providing my child with life changing experiences. I don’t have all the answers to this issue, but I do encourage you not to be discouraged if you’re having a rough time. If you’ve already obtained your child’s passport please comment and let the rest of us know what you did. Let’s all help one another.

Growth(ish) Part 2: Real Recognize Real

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In Growth(ish) Part 1 I detailed an account of how and why I decided to skip out on a friend’s birthday party. I was really proud of myself because I could totally see the growth in my decision making process but also the growth in my comfort and acceptance of my single parent situation. Of course this means I was tested(deep sigh). It wasn’t the hardest of situations but it certainly forced me to come to grips with some things and acknowledge my feelings. Here goes…..

Quick background of that story I was invited to a party of a mutual friend of mine and my son’s father. After waiting to see if my son’s father would attend I decided not to go. It was just best for me to avoid him ESPECIALLY since he was bringing a plus one AND our mutual friend has no clue about the situation between us. Now that you’re all caught up that party took place on February 8th…..but on February 7th boy did I have the shock of a lifetime!!! My son and I were attending one of his toddler playpals’ 2nd birthday party in the south suburbs. Now you all don’t know this because I seldomly voice it but I attempt to stay away from the south side of the city, more specifically places I know my child’s father frequents. Yup, this extra huge city with over 3 million people and I tend to avoid one part of the city all to steer clear of one person…that’s an entirely different story. Any who, this was the south suburbs and at a children’s play venue…..not that I actually worried or previously thought about it but very low chance of running into that man.

My son and I are enjoying the party, the parents, the other little boys, the food (lol) and then it happened……while on the obstacle course I SWORE I saw my child’s father, and the infuriating part was he was with another child!!!!! Now, if it’s one thing I’m glad about it’s that I’ve learned to investigate before acting. Blood boiling, I quickly told my son “let’s go the other way around”, I needed to observe this man without being creepy. While on the other side of the obstacle course I watched the guy’s movements; motions; looked at his build and demeanor again; eyed the child trying to figure out where in the san-blue hell a 6-8 year old girl I knew nothing about could or would’ve come from. I contemplated how to approach him if it were actually my son’s father…..all of that occurred in less than three minutes, kid you not lol(women are great private detectives when necessary). You know what? I did all of that and it wasn’t even him!!!!! My brain, my emotions, everything was able to relax again. I was thoroughly embarrassed but able to play it off because no one knew what was going on. My son and I continued to enjoy the party and left at the end with no one, including the other guy having any idea of what transpired.

Even though I was able to save face, this occurrence really forced me to reflect on myself. Had I really healed? Was I truly over this guy? Why did the thought of him set me on edge? I realized it wasn’t the thought of seeing him that put me over the edge. I saw with my own two eyes that he was bringing someone else to a party and that didn’t affect me emotionally. I didn’t want him back; and I really have made strides in my healing. There was only one other time I got pissed at the thought of seeing him, and that too was a day I thought I saw him with another kid. That’s when I realized it wasn’t the thought of seeing him that upset me, it was the thought of him taking care of or spending time with another child that boiled my blood.

In that moment I didn’t take time to tell myself I was wrong for feeling that way, in that moment I was proud of myself for being up front and honest. Sometimes when we’re healing it’s easy to hide the truth from ourselves, I chose not to do that. Secondly, I gave myself permission to have those feelings. Are they good feelings; no. Can I control him; no….but it’s ok for me to feel the way I do. This is someone who rejected his child in every way imaginable, it makes sense for me to react strongly to that. However, now that I know and understand I have these feelings it’s something I need to work on; pray over; and perhaps even game plan how I should deal with it. It’s been about two weeks since this happened and I still don’t have a game plan for how to handle the fact that one day I may see him parenting another child. I plan to but haven’t done so yet. In fact if I’m being totally honest this is the first time I’ve openly talked/wrote about the situation. I believe this is the second step in confronting my feelings. I’ve acknowledged them, and now I’m admitting them. It may sound cliche’ but it actually feels really good to be open; in fact it’s freeing. Now I can pray over it, pray for healing of those feelings but also pray for my son’s healing in that department. If I get pissed at the possibility of seeing him parent another child I can only imagine how that will affect my son. I think I also need to pray over the characteristics of the father I desire for my child; and for my child not to feel any sense of “missing out on things/love”; and for his restoration.

Valentine’s Day Letter to My Son

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Valentine’s Day 2020 I wanted to find my son the perfect card. I’d give him his present and card; we’d put the card and picture in his memory box and later on in life he’d be able to read it and realize how much his Mommy loves him. As was the case with his birthday finding my idea of the perfect card didn’t happen; in fact writing this letter on time also didn’t happen. Valentine’s Day rolled around and I was down with the flu. Like low grade fever that wouldn’t break; extremely sore body; loads of sweating; no appetite; couldn’t do anything other than sleep and cough….FLU! I barely made it out of bed Thursday afternoon to purchase the snacks and cards for his Valentine’s Day party at daycare but Thank God I was able to make his treat bags(in spite of forgetting to purchase Valentine’s Day baggies and having to use ziploc bags). Here we are four days later and Mommy is just now well enough to compose his letter (and subsequently this blog). Thinking about some of the things I’ve set out to accomplish this year helped put my intentions and love for him in the perfect perspective for his letter.

I love my son SOOOOOOOOOOO much, as I am sure you all love your child(ren). Being a single parent has been interesting to say the least and quite an educational experience. I think sometimes we single parents focus intently on teaching our child everything we feel he or she would learn in a two parent home until we lose focus of what the most important lessons are. For me the most important thing is making sure I’m building a solid foundation for his relationship with God. IF I am intention (refer to https://chroniclesofasinglemom.home.blog/2020/01/01/lessons-for-2020/ for more about my year of intentionality) about providing the foundation for his relationship with God; in return I know God will prompt me to teach him things I may forget….OR He’ll provide someone else in our village to teach my son said lesson. The following blog isn’t the actual letter I wrote my son but a guideline for some of the things I am practicing in order to build the his foundation. The conclusion will sort of link the blog and his letter together.

1)The Word(Bible): I previously stated 2020 is a year of intentionality for me. Basically it means that I am purposefully setting out to do some things and that I am using certain tasks to hold myself accountable. One such goal of mine is to lay the foundation for my son’s relationship with God. As I’ve gotten older and worked on my own relationship with God I’ve heard a lot about praying the word. As dumb as this may sound I had no idea what this meant OR how to do it. Praying the word is certainly something I want to be able to teach him and because I was clueless I had to research it for myself. One thing I learned is it’s impossible to pray the word if you don’t know the word. In relation to my child, he’s a toddler which means he’s going to imitate things he sees; which means I have to set the right examples. Classic case, if I don’t want him to curse at daycare I can’t curse in front of him…and well this one is hard if sports are involved lolbs! To date he hasn’t embarrassed me and cursed at daycare (inserts happy dance)! So I concluded it will be good for him to see me reading and studying the word; as well as speaking the word in hopes that as he grows and matures he will follow in those footsteps.

2) Prayer: I didn’t mention prayer in the previous bulletpoint because it needed to stand alone. Obviously if I want him to have a relationship with God I have to teach him how to communicate with God. We communicate with God through prayer. While my son is accustomed to seeing my pray as his vocabulary increased it became imperative to teach him to pray WITH me instead of him listening to or watching me pray. My son and I have two set prayer times, three if you include grace. The first time we pray is in the truck on our way to daycare. We (well I) recite Psalms 91 and then he and I say a little prayer afterwards. Our second time to pray is right before bed; at bedtime we say the childhood favorite “Now I lay me down to sleep.” It’s important to establish this routine with him as it allows him to understand we start and end our day with prayer; and it also allows him to get an understanding of what/who to pray for and how to pray. I believe as he gets older this routine will enable him to understand that it’s best and in my opinion easiest to pray throughout the day.

3)Morning Affirmations: This one is really fun!!! Not to bring race into an already content heavy blog BUT my son is a little black boy. Yup, there I said it. The world (anyone) will try to tear him down, it is up to me and my village to lift him up; a HUGE part of that is my responsibility as his mother. Our morning affirmations build him up; instill confidence; get him pumped and ready for the day; give him a certain mindset; but most importantly our affirmations teach him who he is in Christ!! These affirmations also serve as a way for him to learn some scripture early which in turn will help him learn how to pray the word over his life.

4)Grace: Translate grace into patience….now please drop your head and say a silent prayer for me because this one is a huge struggle lolbvvs!!! I am NOT the one to tell you how to give grace to others. I can tell you that it’s important enough for me to model to my son…..so that made it important enough to actually take time to study what the word says about patience and being patient.

5) Church: We go two to three times a month so believe me when I tell you I am not the person to lecture you about church attendance. I can attest to how important having a church home is and more importantly I can tell you the importance of finding the RIGHT church home. Before finding out I was pregnant I often said of my church home “once I have a kid I’m out, there’s nothing for kids to do here and I will need my kid to be interactive and involved.” Flash forward two years later and we haven’t left, nor have I thought about leaving. No church is perfect, and in spite of what some may think you don’t have to tell all of your business to the people of the church to receive their support, and love. When my son baptized I was thankful for the support of the church. My son’s father nor any member of his family were there; it meant the world to me that my family and my sisters(my church crew) stood behind and with me. And I’m sure you’re thinking ” of course they stood with you, they knew about the situation” in fact they didn’t. At that time only my mother knew what was going on with my son’s father. They stood with me out of love for my son and I…and until this day none of them have asked where my son’s father was. They know the story at this point because I eventually opened up and disclosed it. That’s honestly just one example of knowing I was in the right church. There have been so many examples over the past two years; and oddly enough the Children’s Ministry is growing:) Long story short find the church that fits you and your family’s needs and make a strong attempt to become apart of it. There will be a time when you need them most, and if you’re in the right place they’ll give you what you need without hesitation.

In conclusion no you didn’t read my letter to my son, what you read are some of the steps that I’m taking to ensure his relationship with God. These are the same things I wrote about in his letter, along with why I feel this is important and a little bit about the love of God. Teaching him about the love of God and love for himself will enable him to have a great Valentine’s Day irregardless of who he gets cards/candy from; the events of the day/weekend that he may or may not attend; and his dating/marriage situation. Teaching him about the ultimate love will have a positive life lasting effect on him. That’s my job as his mom……. the person who loves him most on this earth.

Happy Valentine’s Day 2020:)

Growth(ish)

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I know I started an intriguing blog a couple of weeks ago regarding the process of getting my son’s passport and I know I haven’t give you guys part two; I PROMISE it’s coming! Life keeps happening and that means there have been other things I’ve needed to write about to keep you guys included on my parental journey. I promise, promise, promise I will conclude that but this isn’t the day. Today, I’m going to tell you about another chance for growth that recently occurred.

As is the common theme when you’re with someone for a long time the two of you obatin mutual friends. Naturally that’s the case with my son’s father and I; we have friends we went to high school with; and then we have random mutual friends. As it so happens this particular mutual friend knows both my son’s father and I from two totally different times. He went to Elementary School (K-8th here in the big city) with my son’s father; and he went to college with me. The interesting thing about our mutual friendship is he and his wife have a daughter that is a few months older than our son. The kids ended up in daycare together for a brief period and now they’re in the same swim class. While this particular mutual friend has never seen my son with his father he respects and acknowledges him as such; and in spite of everything that went down between us I’m not going to correct that……or shall I say I hadn’t corrected it. As I’m writing this I can’t think of a time where we’ve talked about my son’s father having anything to do with my son(inserts shrug). Enough with the background info though…..

Last week sometime our mutual friend invited both of us to his birthday party. I saw that was the case, so while I wanted to attend the party I decided to wait and see if my son’s father would RSVP and then make my decision. I checked the RSVP list yesterday (the party is Saturday)and saw that my son’s father RSVP’ed for two people. Thoroughly irritated out of shear shock he RSVP’ed I decided not to go. Before we move forward no, I wasn’t irritated because he RSVP’ed for two. Honestly he could have a brother, or cousin, or anyone accompanying him….even if it is another woman that’s not my business. I was irritated because seeing his RSVP made me recall all the Saturday nights he was “too tired from work” or “working too late” and couldn’t/wouldn’t come see our son. I was irritated because this same “workaholic” individual who blew off our then infant son somehow made time to attend a birthday party. I was irritated because this individual who hasn’t seen our son in eighteen months isn’t trying to rectify that and build a relationship with my son BUT chose to go to a party. Talk about having your priorities straight!! That was the premise of my irritation but also another confirmation that I’d made the correct decision in not trying to force a relationship between he and my son. After all it was abundantly clear he did and does NOT want a relationship with my son. His actions, rather inaction further cement my belief that he told his parents that our son wasn’t his which is how we got here in the beginning……BUT back to the story at hand:)

Before RSVP’ing (even though I knew I wasn’t going) I talked it through with my two besties. In situations like this it’s nice to be able to bounce your thoughts and feelings off people who legitimately care about your well being and will be honest with you. We all agreed this was not the ideal situation for me. This is where part one of the growth comes in…..twenty something year old me would’ve grabbed one of my male friends that neither of them know; put on my best dress; and go to the party just to piss him off. Almost thirty-five year old me was able to say screw that and live happily ever after lol! Like didn’t even think about it. I am the MASTER of flirting AND I know exactly how to push all of his buttons…the fact that none of this came to mind is serious growth.

Today I decided to register my “No” RSVP on Evite. I thanked our mutual friend for the invite but told him I couldn’t make it. Next, because I know I’ll see his wife in swim lessons I sent a quick text informing our mutual friend that I couldn’t make the party but the three of us should schedule an adult outing soon. He promptly replied saying he was sorry to hear I wasn’t coming but if anything changed please stop through. Second evidence of growth (lolbs) PETTY me would’ve responded with something snarky eluding to the fact that my son’s father was a deadbeat that didn’t deserve to breath the same air as me….BUT I didn’t go there. I simply “liked” the message and left it alone. Not that I’ve ever been messy but um…petty is another story. Today it just wasn’t worth it; no point of looking like the bitter ex girlfriend/baby mama when that’s not the case. Could I tell him about his friend, yes. Should I? In this situation no. Now if it comes to a point where I need to defend myself or clarify some comments my son’s father makes well that’s different. However, I am not going to initiate anything. Our business is our business and I’m not going to out that.

So why growth ish instead of growth? Because while I didn’t feel the need to show up and show out part of me still wanted to be petty. Yes, I resisted the urge but it was still there. While I am celebrating my growth, I am also taking the time to realize there’s still more work to be done. At this point my life and the choices I make don’t just affect me, but also my son. I want to lead and teach by example being mean spirited, provocative, and petty are not examples I want to set for my toddler. I’m happy, I’m blessed, and so is my son. No need to stoop to low levels.

Growth: progressive development; a stage or condition in increasing; developing; or maturing.

Not quite there yet, but certainly on the way!!

A Parent’s Worse Nightmare

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The world stopped Sunday upon receiving news of Kobe Bryant’s untimely death. I personally almost passed out in disbelief. According to my mother she knew someone had transitioned based on the tone of my voice. I was totally taken aback and once I heard the number of victims who were on the flight it sent me over the edge even more! ” Oh my God, was Vanessa with him? If so that means ALL the girls?!? Oh my God, please don’t tell me an entire family is gone. As the we weaved through the rumors and (mis)information being presented at the speed of light we learned Vanessa wasn’t with him; which in my mind reasonably meant the baby wasn’t aboard the helicopter. This should’ve calmed my nerves, lightened the blow but it didn’t. I immediately screamed “GiGi”!!!!! Her death was yet to be confirmed BUT I was already gone. I bawled the entire day; and once her death was confirmed well it became too much. My own son staring at me in horror, not understanding what’s going on didn’t make the situation any better. I attempted to talk to one of my close friends about it and I immediately realized why I was taking this so hard. Yes, he was an amazing player; yes his death was so untimely and so unexpected but none of that is what drove me to the brink of unbearable sorrow. None of that was why I couldn’t look at; deal with; or be involved with my own son. This hit differently, it hurt like hell because I’m a parent; a mother and whether it’s for the good or bad things affect you differently as a parent.

Motherhood, parenthood in general has a way of uniting us. It’s one of those things that we inherently understand. We may have varying circumstances but realistically there is more about being a parent that unites us than divides us and well we aren’t afraid to show that, to build community and relationships from it. The unbearable pain I felt was as a a parent; it was so complex and yet once I was able to somewhat dissect it it made so much sense. The realization of more children and broken families built on the grief I was experiencing. This piece is in no way indicative of what’s going on or me trying to say how they do or should feel, It is no way what I know to be happening. This piece is just what I FELT on their behalf and the mini directions in which my mind wandered. For me writing was necessary to process my own grief.

Fear, Failure and Realizing Mortality:

I can’t imagine nor do I want to experience what it feels like to know what’s coming and to not be able to do anything to save your baby girl. Like seriously in the moments leading up to the crash I imagine all he could do was tell her he loved her; pray with her; and hold her. While spiritually and maybe emotionally that’s a lot and the best thing to do(prayer); physically and mentally it’s nothing. I HATE feeling helpless in minor situations with my son….you know he fell and I couldn’t catch him; he’s teething; and I can’t take the pain away; things like that. Can you imagine how hopeless that has to feel; to know he couldn’t stop the inevitable; to know he couldn’t take the pain away; to see that fear on her face?!?! I’m sure for a brief moment he felt like a failure. Parents but men especially pride themselves on providing for and protecting their families. Even in those last minutes I’m sure it messed with his manhood to know he couldn’t do anything. In all honesty I’m sure for another brief second he felt responsible for what was happening; after all it was his helicopter. Even if he didn’t feel those emotions (and I seriously hope he didn’t) knowing she won’t live out her potential; knowing she’s about to be robbed of her future; and that he is about to lose time with his other children…that’s so much pain. It hurts to fathom he died possibly blaming himself for her death…and in the end felt helpless. I would imagine his emotional death hurt more than his physical death.

Disbelief, Brokenness , and The Unthinkable:

Not even sure where to begin with this one. To carry and bear a child; watch them grow up; witness their milestones; prepare for the future because you know greater is coming and then to have it all snatched away in the blink of an eye -the immense grief the surviving parents must feel. What those parents wouldn’t give for one more hug; one more kiss; one more I love you mom/dad; more time to watch them grow….I’m honestly not sure how anyone finds closure from that. I imagine it feels as though a piece of your heart has left. How do you move on from that?

If you’re V how do you still mother your other children young children at that while grieving. How do you explain to your toddler who has very little sense of what’s going on that her sister and father won’t be back? How do you not get annoyed with her for continuously calling out for them? How do you separate their lack of understanding from your own grief? How do you mother a newborn and continue to unselfishly give of yourself when you’re in shock; horrified; in disbelief?

The father with the toddler who kept crying out for mommy……how do you deal? My heart broke again listening to him talk about how his baby crying out for mommy broke him. Jesus, how does one attempt to process grief when you have a toddler adding to it? You hurt for your children!!! Let’s be honest, as a toddler what memories will they have of their parents or siblings? Not very many. You hurt because their robbed of a parent, continuing a relationship, and what could’ve been. Mourning both the present and the future can be extremely hard, almost crushing.

AND in my opinion it gets worse for all the parents that have to identify and bury their children. How do you bury a child? No one is prepared to do that; we aren’t taught how to; aren’t given any direction. How do you get closure, you have to identify a body?!?!? Not a whole body possibly riddled with needle wounds after a fight with a terminal illness; not a body riddled any other bruises or wounds…unfortunately and perhaps what hurts most is possibly a mangled body; charred; in pieces, missing pieces; or no body at all. It’s hard enough to lose a child; it makes closure and acceptance even harder with the possibility of the gruesomeness these parents must face. They honestly can’t get that last hug; look at the gentle faces again; kiss their cheeks; or move their daughter’s hairs behind their ear.

My Jesus how it must feel to lose a piece of your heart and to grieve without physical closure. In the words of the hymn, “Oh what needless pain we bear.”

Horrified, Guilt, and Regret:
I don’t know how true this is but it’s been said on several occasions that Kobe and his parents weren’t on speaking terms. While I hope this isn’t true, I mourned for them too, but in a different way. If it is true they weren’t on speaking terms there’s a sense of guilt and regret that probably hits them. A case of the “what if” or “should’ve, would’ve, could’ve”. Maybe even a case of “I thought there’d be more time.” Unfortunately time is a fragile thing, it is both with us and against us. We never know how much of it we have and so it’s important to make every moment count; to attempt amends; and to do our best to have functional relationships with the ones that matter most. I honestly hope they aren’t mourning the loss of a son and granddaughter as well as the loss of possible reconciliation. I hope they aren’t mourning a granddaughter and the lost ability to get to know her. I hope they were at peace with their son. Yet, if they weren’t that’s a different type of loss altogether. It’s a loss I can’t exactly put into words but I felt and understood it all too well. While everyone’s loss is devastating if there was no relationship with their son and granddaughter that loss is more devastating because it comes with a side of guilt and resentment.

In the End:

In the end it took me a few days to sort through my feelings, and to compose myself enough to to put this into words yet after dissecting all of this I understood exactly why I felt her pain; why I felt his pain; and the pain of his parents and all the parents involved. I mourn(ed) those things with and for them. For some reason this commonality of parenthood really allowed me to empathize with them and perhaps understand a smidgen of the pain they’re feeling. It was important to understand this burden; this grief; this pain because while I need to pray for them I also need to learn from it. Even though Ionky have a toddler sooner rather than later I need to figure out a way to explain death and grief to him. And while this may not be a common idea I think it may be smart for me to game plan how to deal with grief while parenting; after all I am a parent and it will happen. In the end I wish this never would’ve happened to them but I no matter how it hurts I’m not going to question God. We just have to pray for the families, it”s really all we can do.