Tag Archives: emotional healing

From “We” to “Me”

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When I first started my single-parent journey breaking the habit of saying “we” was not only tough, it was something I wasn’t sure would ever happen. If you’ve been with me for a while you may remember me blogging about the difficulty and how I had to change my perspective and redefine “we”. In my own experience transitioning into single parenthood comes with many redefining terms. I decided to write this blog because I wanted people to know, it does happen. It takes time, there is NO specific timeline, but it happens. There is light at the end of the tunnel. It took me about 2 years (maybe one but honestly 2020 is a blur) but I am more comfortable than ever saying “me”.

First of all, I occasionally say “we” but I know who “we” consists of. When I use the pronoun “we” I am not speaking of my child’s other parent, I am however honoring my support system and giving them credit for assisting me in whatever the task is at hand. For example, “we’ve talked to him extensively about knowing the difference between what he can and can’t control.” I didn’t make that sentence up lol, it’s from a conversation my mother and I had with my son’s teacher. However, not only was I the one that made the comment, but I also felt it was important to honor her for assisting in those conversations with him. She understood and knew what I was trying to accomplish and made it a point to reinforce the concept with him. I appreciate her efforts and the efforts of my entire support system and so yes, when appropriate I honor them in public by saying “we”.

Second, yes I have healed considerably over the last three-four years, and with that has come a different love and respect for myself and the effort I put into providing for and raising my son. I work my ass off to ensure he has everything he needs and a great portion of what he wants. Hell, if I am being completely honest homeboy has a mild sense of entitlement( something else we’re working on and that deserves a blog all of its own). I DESERVE to say “me”, “mine”, “I”, and not feel any pain or a sense of loss and I am now at a point where I respect myself and my hustle enough to be able to do so. Saying “me” and/or “I” when discussing a decision I’ve made for my son is a form of respect. I am not being prideful, but in reality, I am setting the expectation for others when they need to address me about my son, and I am also acknowledging that I am the expert when it comes to his care.

Using the pronouns “me” and “I” also remind my son who is family is. He is now old enough to understand and feel the pain of having an absentee father and while I allow him space to freely talk and express his feelings, I also want him to remember who his family consists of. At his age, it is easy to imagine a scenery where he has and lives in a nuclear family, and while he may one day get an earthly father, it hasn’t happened yet…so stay in the present. I need him to know, honor and love the family he has.

In closing, your journey will not happen the way mine did but I wanted to share there is a point where your pronouns won’t bring you pain. Remember as you continue to heal your perspective will change, and with that change of perspective comes more resolve for how you will personalize and cope through this. Take it day by day, you will eventually get there.

If I’m Being Honest

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If I’m being honest (and I am) I am beginning to have some concern for my son’s mental well-being during the pandemic. I’ll admit because he didn’t start the pandemic asking a million questions, or showing any real signs of fear I’d hoped we got through the rough period. Actually I’d hoped that he wouldn’t recognize the change and wouldn’t recognize things were different. I’d hoped he’d be able to get out of this without really knowing what happened. However, I was wrong. Delay is not definitive of denial and that was the case with my son. As time progressed, as our Stay at Home Order has been extended I’ve begun to notice things. I notice how some days he’s reluctant to go outside; yet other days he doesn’t want to go back in. I’ve noticed the excessive clinginess; the random crying outburst for no reason. I can see the fear and curiosity in his eyes when he sees everyone in masks. He’s realized he can ride to the store but no longer go in. He’s realized he no longer goes to daycare to see his teachers and friends. He’s realized we no longer go anywhere; the park; church; the mall; playdates; museums; kids shows; no more Mommy and me outings; no haircuts; none of it! And while I thought I’d escaped having to discuss this with him he wants to know why.

My personal parenting philosophy is to tell the truth, with very little sugar coating. For example stories are stories and lies are lies. Yes I shield his sense of imagination; and his feelings. I understand he has very little emotional capacity but I try to be as straightforward with him as possible. In this instance it’s too much! Yes, he deserves answers; he deserves to know what’s going on; he deserves to know why his routine has been interrupted but he also deserves to have his mental state protected. 

If I’m being honest I don’t know where to start. The Stay at Home Order is a must; our abiding by the Order is another must as it’s the best way to ensure our safety, but I’m not sure how to have this heavy conversation with him. If I’m being honest I don’t want to have this conversation with him. We literally just talked about his absent father and from what I can see he’s doing alright with that. Why must I burden a 2 year old with a pandemic as well?!? I want to protect him; his emotional capacity; his innocence. I just no longer think it’s possible. It hurts me that my young son has to bear so much unnecessary pain. Because of this I am concerned for his mental state. I’d already planned to get him a counselor once he got older to talk about and work through both the pain of not having his biological father around and the trauma of being a black boy in America. However that’s in the future, I need to help his mental state now. I’ve worked as hard as I can to keep him on his daycare schedule; we go outside as much as possible; we engage in cooking and art; we have movie nights every weekend; we have dance parties; I make sure he hears our virtual church services and Bible Studies. We get involved in the Kid’s Zoom Meet Up for church; he’s had a virtual Playdate; and I’m feverishly searching for a dog; he needs a companion. Yet, I can’t help feeling like a failure when he randomly bursts into tears; or when he gets scared because he sees a face covering. Is this really the world my child is going to grow up in?!? I can’t help but wonder how this will affect him mentally and emotionally. I also can’t help but wonder what more can I do to help him.

If I’m being honest I feel this will have a significant affect on all our children. Missed milestones such as graduations, proms and luncheons; canceled dances, sports, and arts; celebrating birthdays alone. While it’s all necessary it’s a lot to ask of our children. My heart goes out to them because I understand their sacrifices are robbing them of dreams and prolonging goals. Our villages (family, friends, parenting circles) are being stretched thin trying to make sure our babies know we understand and yet celebrate and commend them. It’s a lot!!! And while I’m being honest my heart especially goes out to my son’s half sister who is being robbed of her eighth grade luncheon and graduation. Should I care, absolutely not because of how her father disregards my son but do I care; yes, I’m a Mother. I wish (maybe too strong of a word but all I can think of right now) I could be apart of her new celebration of achievement; I’d just want to make it memorable for her but as it stands-that’s nowhere near an option. That’s not necessarily something I mourn but…I’m being honest(inserts shrug).

If I’m honest none of us want to raise broken children. I don’t want to raise a broken son; his mental and emotional health mean the world to me. But since I’m being honest this is too much for any of us😩

Growth(ish) Part 2: Real Recognize Real

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In Growth(ish) Part 1 I detailed an account of how and why I decided to skip out on a friend’s birthday party. I was really proud of myself because I could totally see the growth in my decision making process but also the growth in my comfort and acceptance of my single parent situation. Of course this means I was tested(deep sigh). It wasn’t the hardest of situations but it certainly forced me to come to grips with some things and acknowledge my feelings. Here goes…..

Quick background of that story I was invited to a party of a mutual friend of mine and my son’s father. After waiting to see if my son’s father would attend I decided not to go. It was just best for me to avoid him ESPECIALLY since he was bringing a plus one AND our mutual friend has no clue about the situation between us. Now that you’re all caught up that party took place on February 8th…..but on February 7th boy did I have the shock of a lifetime!!! My son and I were attending one of his toddler playpals’ 2nd birthday party in the south suburbs. Now you all don’t know this because I seldomly voice it but I attempt to stay away from the south side of the city, more specifically places I know my child’s father frequents. Yup, this extra huge city with over 3 million people and I tend to avoid one part of the city all to steer clear of one person…that’s an entirely different story. Any who, this was the south suburbs and at a children’s play venue…..not that I actually worried or previously thought about it but very low chance of running into that man.

My son and I are enjoying the party, the parents, the other little boys, the food (lol) and then it happened……while on the obstacle course I SWORE I saw my child’s father, and the infuriating part was he was with another child!!!!! Now, if it’s one thing I’m glad about it’s that I’ve learned to investigate before acting. Blood boiling, I quickly told my son “let’s go the other way around”, I needed to observe this man without being creepy. While on the other side of the obstacle course I watched the guy’s movements; motions; looked at his build and demeanor again; eyed the child trying to figure out where in the san-blue hell a 6-8 year old girl I knew nothing about could or would’ve come from. I contemplated how to approach him if it were actually my son’s father…..all of that occurred in less than three minutes, kid you not lol(women are great private detectives when necessary). You know what? I did all of that and it wasn’t even him!!!!! My brain, my emotions, everything was able to relax again. I was thoroughly embarrassed but able to play it off because no one knew what was going on. My son and I continued to enjoy the party and left at the end with no one, including the other guy having any idea of what transpired.

Even though I was able to save face, this occurrence really forced me to reflect on myself. Had I really healed? Was I truly over this guy? Why did the thought of him set me on edge? I realized it wasn’t the thought of seeing him that put me over the edge. I saw with my own two eyes that he was bringing someone else to a party and that didn’t affect me emotionally. I didn’t want him back; and I really have made strides in my healing. There was only one other time I got pissed at the thought of seeing him, and that too was a day I thought I saw him with another kid. That’s when I realized it wasn’t the thought of seeing him that upset me, it was the thought of him taking care of or spending time with another child that boiled my blood.

In that moment I didn’t take time to tell myself I was wrong for feeling that way, in that moment I was proud of myself for being up front and honest. Sometimes when we’re healing it’s easy to hide the truth from ourselves, I chose not to do that. Secondly, I gave myself permission to have those feelings. Are they good feelings; no. Can I control him; no….but it’s ok for me to feel the way I do. This is someone who rejected his child in every way imaginable, it makes sense for me to react strongly to that. However, now that I know and understand I have these feelings it’s something I need to work on; pray over; and perhaps even game plan how I should deal with it. It’s been about two weeks since this happened and I still don’t have a game plan for how to handle the fact that one day I may see him parenting another child. I plan to but haven’t done so yet. In fact if I’m being totally honest this is the first time I’ve openly talked/wrote about the situation. I believe this is the second step in confronting my feelings. I’ve acknowledged them, and now I’m admitting them. It may sound cliche’ but it actually feels really good to be open; in fact it’s freeing. Now I can pray over it, pray for healing of those feelings but also pray for my son’s healing in that department. If I get pissed at the possibility of seeing him parent another child I can only imagine how that will affect my son. I think I also need to pray over the characteristics of the father I desire for my child; and for my child not to feel any sense of “missing out on things/love”; and for his restoration.

Growth(ish)

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I know I started an intriguing blog a couple of weeks ago regarding the process of getting my son’s passport and I know I haven’t give you guys part two; I PROMISE it’s coming! Life keeps happening and that means there have been other things I’ve needed to write about to keep you guys included on my parental journey. I promise, promise, promise I will conclude that but this isn’t the day. Today, I’m going to tell you about another chance for growth that recently occurred.

As is the common theme when you’re with someone for a long time the two of you obatin mutual friends. Naturally that’s the case with my son’s father and I; we have friends we went to high school with; and then we have random mutual friends. As it so happens this particular mutual friend knows both my son’s father and I from two totally different times. He went to Elementary School (K-8th here in the big city) with my son’s father; and he went to college with me. The interesting thing about our mutual friendship is he and his wife have a daughter that is a few months older than our son. The kids ended up in daycare together for a brief period and now they’re in the same swim class. While this particular mutual friend has never seen my son with his father he respects and acknowledges him as such; and in spite of everything that went down between us I’m not going to correct that……or shall I say I hadn’t corrected it. As I’m writing this I can’t think of a time where we’ve talked about my son’s father having anything to do with my son(inserts shrug). Enough with the background info though…..

Last week sometime our mutual friend invited both of us to his birthday party. I saw that was the case, so while I wanted to attend the party I decided to wait and see if my son’s father would RSVP and then make my decision. I checked the RSVP list yesterday (the party is Saturday)and saw that my son’s father RSVP’ed for two people. Thoroughly irritated out of shear shock he RSVP’ed I decided not to go. Before we move forward no, I wasn’t irritated because he RSVP’ed for two. Honestly he could have a brother, or cousin, or anyone accompanying him….even if it is another woman that’s not my business. I was irritated because seeing his RSVP made me recall all the Saturday nights he was “too tired from work” or “working too late” and couldn’t/wouldn’t come see our son. I was irritated because this same “workaholic” individual who blew off our then infant son somehow made time to attend a birthday party. I was irritated because this individual who hasn’t seen our son in eighteen months isn’t trying to rectify that and build a relationship with my son BUT chose to go to a party. Talk about having your priorities straight!! That was the premise of my irritation but also another confirmation that I’d made the correct decision in not trying to force a relationship between he and my son. After all it was abundantly clear he did and does NOT want a relationship with my son. His actions, rather inaction further cement my belief that he told his parents that our son wasn’t his which is how we got here in the beginning……BUT back to the story at hand:)

Before RSVP’ing (even though I knew I wasn’t going) I talked it through with my two besties. In situations like this it’s nice to be able to bounce your thoughts and feelings off people who legitimately care about your well being and will be honest with you. We all agreed this was not the ideal situation for me. This is where part one of the growth comes in…..twenty something year old me would’ve grabbed one of my male friends that neither of them know; put on my best dress; and go to the party just to piss him off. Almost thirty-five year old me was able to say screw that and live happily ever after lol! Like didn’t even think about it. I am the MASTER of flirting AND I know exactly how to push all of his buttons…the fact that none of this came to mind is serious growth.

Today I decided to register my “No” RSVP on Evite. I thanked our mutual friend for the invite but told him I couldn’t make it. Next, because I know I’ll see his wife in swim lessons I sent a quick text informing our mutual friend that I couldn’t make the party but the three of us should schedule an adult outing soon. He promptly replied saying he was sorry to hear I wasn’t coming but if anything changed please stop through. Second evidence of growth (lolbs) PETTY me would’ve responded with something snarky eluding to the fact that my son’s father was a deadbeat that didn’t deserve to breath the same air as me….BUT I didn’t go there. I simply “liked” the message and left it alone. Not that I’ve ever been messy but um…petty is another story. Today it just wasn’t worth it; no point of looking like the bitter ex girlfriend/baby mama when that’s not the case. Could I tell him about his friend, yes. Should I? In this situation no. Now if it comes to a point where I need to defend myself or clarify some comments my son’s father makes well that’s different. However, I am not going to initiate anything. Our business is our business and I’m not going to out that.

So why growth ish instead of growth? Because while I didn’t feel the need to show up and show out part of me still wanted to be petty. Yes, I resisted the urge but it was still there. While I am celebrating my growth, I am also taking the time to realize there’s still more work to be done. At this point my life and the choices I make don’t just affect me, but also my son. I want to lead and teach by example being mean spirited, provocative, and petty are not examples I want to set for my toddler. I’m happy, I’m blessed, and so is my son. No need to stoop to low levels.

Growth: progressive development; a stage or condition in increasing; developing; or maturing.

Not quite there yet, but certainly on the way!!