There are days where I want to sit and cry because I am so frustrated and today is one of those days. I am beyond overwhelmed and the reality is as much as I want to give up and take time to cry I can’t….cuz then shit just wouldn’t get done😩 It is in fact the never ending circle of single parenting: Shit gets tough, you have no one to turn to or in my case you don’t want to exhaust the only help you have; you want to cry, want to release your frustrations but honestly there’s no time because “things need to be done.” So what straw broke the camel’s back today? Is it the failed potty training expedition, the stubborn , clingy, toddler/mom needs a break thing; is it the I ant afford to do anything for myself thing; or is it the daycare cost too damn much, how the fuck am I expected to take care of anything else thing? How about it was all of that….no seriously it’s all of that. As I sit on the floor of my bathroom because I wanted some “me time” writing this my stubborn toddler fell asleep while in timeout. Honestly his falling asleep was best for both of us because I no longer had the patience necessary to deal with him. Day 3 of potty training has not show any improvements, dare I say it things I have gotten worse. My son pees the floor and shows no remorse. In fact when showing him the urine and telling him that’s a “no no and that big boys pee in the potty he proceeded to play in the urine. This was the third accident of the day, the second where he flat out showed no remorse and I was over it. Maybe just maybe you aren’t ready. I do NOT have money for diapers but I also no longer have patience for this shit. I put the diaper back on him and he goes “NO”…naw bruh it’s too late for no you should’ve acted right when I was trying. Crazy thing is I know he’s ready, not only does he love his big boy underwear but he pulls off wet diapers and brings them to me, he sits in the potty (most of the time), and he uses it with no problem. He hasn’t figured out how to poop the potty but whatever. The majority of his accidents are just bad timing…..as in I took him off the potty too early and he pissed his underpants. But today he’s being rebellious as all hell and so he refuses to go….and he’s being selectively rebellious…worse. Normally I’m not one to back down from a battle and certainly to one to back down from a challenge with my kid but this timeI don’t have it in me so fuck it you win. Back to diapers you go and back to mommy having to figure out where the diaper money will come from. As if I needed another reason to be frustrated with him he refused to pick up his toys. My kid loves to clean, he loves to straighten things and like most boys he LOVES the praise he gets when he knows he’s made mommy very happy. Over the last week or so not so much; you can praise him all you want and he still jus doesn’t care. Per usual I gave him the bag and said put the blocks in here he in turn told me “no” and snatched away. NIGHT NIGHT buddy, you’re not going to tell me no and think it’s ok….and that’s how I got my quiet time🤷🏾‍♀️

After he went down for timeout I sat to budget my next paycheck…huge mistake. Because of the way the first pay period in September falls I need to pay my daycare provider over $500 from my next check in order to make sure he’s covered. That sent me right over the edge. $360 for two weeks I would’ve been alright with and honestly was expecting that but $540?!?!?! That’s probably a third of what I’m going to receive. My kid needs school supplies and Lord let’s not forget diapers, I need to actually do quite a bit for myself PLUS I have other bills to pay and you want me to give up a third of my check? It may be more than a third because once combined with my car note I think I have $200 left. What the fuck am I suppose to do with that? My calculations sent me into a total talespin of “what and why the fucks?!?!” “What the fuck am I gonna do with $200? Why e fuck does daycare cost so much? Why the fuck am I paying so much for daycare when you’re still asking me to bring supplies? What the fuck am I suppose to put on the back burner this time? Why the fuck is his trifling ass sperm donor helping me? Why the fuck do you idiots think people are o;yo having one to two kids? Why the fuck are y’all wondering dumb shit when the answer is obvious? Who the fuck can I get in the family to watch him because this shit is fucking ridiculous followed by fuck everybody is dead. What the fuck and why the fuck…..now none of this shit actually helps me and honestly it probably does nothing more than keep me hyped up on my emotions….that’s why I call it a tale spin.

Crashing down rom my tale spin I retreat to the bathroom to blog and hopefully have a good cry in the shower….ten minutes of course can’t be in the shower too long in case the kid wakes up. As I type I still haven’t cried nor have I come up with any solutions, nor do I feel better about anything. This has been such a trying year. I honestly thought I was beginning to handle things a little better but as I can see that’s far from the truth. I sit here wishing I was married for the help yet knowing married couples have the same financial problems ESPECIALLY the daycare convo….hell I just listened to one of my married friends tell me this last week. I sit here wishing I made more money, I did the calculations when I switched jobs I need to bring home at least $2000 bi-weekly to afford full time daycare….my kid is currently part time daycare and let’s just say I have yet to hit $2000. The silver lining is at least with my current job there is potential to hit $2000 that wasn’t even a thought in the previous job. Crazy thing is I’m not sure if I actually wish those things or if right now I just feel those are the most obvious solutions to my problems. I sit here closing out this blog realizing I didn’t even tell y’all about day 2 part 2 potty training…I just skipped to the train wreck that was day 3. I guess I’ll have to hop back on and do that later. Right now I need some time to mentally and emotionally relax.