Tag Archives: black mom

Birthday Month!!!!!

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Remember I told you all the fall season is like my single mama Superbowl??? Well, it totally is! September is back to school-ish but it also marks the start of most fall festivals; October, is the peak month for fall festivals and Halloween, and November is my son’s birthday month….and Thanksgiving. Needless to say if not planned properly fall can be overwhelming and certainly a financial crunch. Yet, my son always seems to come out on “top” and there are a few reasons for that. In this month’s series, I’ll talk through my planning process, my selection of birthday gifts, how I decide to do parties, and all of the jazz that makes the fall season and birthdays special. Since fall festivals typically begin before November we’ll start there.

First off, I plan. I have to…I don’t do too well without at least an outline of a plan. Bare bones planning usually takes place at the beginning of the year when I am goal planning. For me, bare-bones planning consists of me listing out different events I know will occur in whatever season or month (if I have that info) and maybe an approximation of how much it costs. For example, I know the fall season means school pictures, his school’s bookfair, the school walkathon, several October Fest, class birthday parties, pumpkin patches, apple picking, parades, the UniverSoul Circus, Halloween parades(both the school and the neighborhood’s), his class Halloween party, and at least one football game I will want to take him to. Now, realistically that’s not all of the events that occur in the fall, it’s just a list of things we tend to do. This skeletal outline of sorts allows me to place holds on my calendar (read https://chroniclesofasinglemom.home.blog/2022/09/14/tips-to-master-your-calendar/ for more information on how I organize my calendar). The holds keep me from potentially taking on more than I can both attend and afford. A hidden perk of the skeletal outline is having an idea of how much to save, or what coupons to look for.

After creating a skeletal outline of my calendar, I do two things, one, I already know which invites to decline. This year we said no to all birthday party invites from his classmates. Sorry, kids. We didn’t have the time, I didn’t have the money AND all of this is in synchronized harmony because he’s not having a party this year so it doesn’t look as if I am cheating out of other parties while expecting gifts. Secondly, I pencil (not really since it’s my google calendar) his sports lessons, and try to leave at least one day blocked for rest. The rest day is essential because it blocks off time in case something comes up that I decide to do, but also it’s a day for us to do nothing:)

Third, and for me this is the fun part-figuring out who to do what with. I have a fair amount of friends with children that are my son’s age and we try to get the kids together quarterly (minimum). Fall activities are a great time to connect, the weather is generally perfect and as an only child he now has someone to enjoy the adventure with. A hidden perk of my son’s birthday being in the fall is he gets to hit a few of these places as birthday presents. Yup, you read that right. My friends are ALWAYS asking what to get him, and my answer changed from nothing to “well, pay for his admission on our outing.” Guess what, they don’t mind at all. Paying for his admission to a fall activity is much easier than wrecking one’s brain to find the perfect gift, trying to remember a gift receipt in case he gets two of the same gift, or worse consoling their child who just threw a tantrum because they want the same toy. It’s a win-win situation for both me and said friend. We will cover more of my gifting hacks in a later blog.

Lastly, saving is great and all but a good coupon will give you life lol!!!! If you haven’t figured it out by now I am frugal. I’m not necessarily cheap BUT I love a good deal. Fall festivities, Halloween, a fall birthday, and both major holidays can wreak havoc on your bank account. Enters coupons! Now, most times coupons are hard to find for fall fest. Look for coupons and discount codes from your child’s school or daycare, and the library. Here in Chicago, our libraries have free passes for different museums and exhibits. The trick is getting those passes at the right time. Secondly, use Groupon and Krazy Coupon Lady. These are my go -tos and they rarely let me down. Actually, I got my son’s birthday trip from Krazy Coupon lady:) It’s also a good idea to sign up for the parent magazines and websites in your area. These are hubs of children’s info and they always give activities, and a lot of times they’ll inform you of when the free or deeply discounted days are. Also, know who the mom/children’s social media influencers are in your area and, be sure to follow their pages. They know everything. Finally, don’t be afraid to go on an attraction’s website and look for discounted days. It may be a Friday evening or something odd like that but if you can take some time off work and go!

In closing, if I had to bulletpoint how I navigate the fall season it would look like this: plan ahead, save, narrow down what you really want to do, don’t overbook yourself or your child, think outside of the box, and most importantly find coupons. These points will get you through the fall season without breaking the bank, especially if you have a fall baby. Let’s help one another, leave your fall fest hacks in the comments below!

Coming Soon…

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In my last blog I detailed how my current position is no longer working for my family. Crazy thing is I started that blog a little over three weeks ago and edited it numerous times. In my opinion, it never conveyed my true feelings. I think there were so many emotions mixed in the realization that I needed to actively search for a new job that I hadn’t sorted through them. It’s one thing to know you need a new job, it’s one thing to look for a job, and it’s an entirely different thing for both you and your company to realize your current job is a dead end for both parties. Both parties’ realization of the obvious is what I believe left me most baffled.

I’ve had summer jobs since I was twelve and I am more than 10 years into my post-undergrad work life. I’ve started and run a business (until the birth of my son), I experimented with the thought of starting a second but realized the idea was great but it wasn’t something I was passionate about. Needless to say, I’ve not ever been disciplined, laid off, or fired. Anytime I left a company it was on my own terms and always for growth. I am potentially (our company hasn’t announced it yet, but we all know it’s coming) in the next round of layoffs at our company and not too sure how I feel about it.

My ego feels mildly bruised for reasons I’ll detail in another blog, part of me wants to worry (I refuse), but once I get past all of that I am really at peace. As a single-parent it is ALWAYS easy to worry when finances are involved. You being to think about provisions, insurance, bills….all the bills lol! Yet, I am choosing not to go that route.

I’ve begun completing an average of 3-4 applications on a daily basis, I have a resume writer, and I’ve completed a few call screenings and interviews. Honestly, I was offered a job but I would’ve ended up losing money had I taken that position. The company was offering 5K more than what I make now, however, I would’ve needed to find before and after care for my child, increase my bi-weekly gas budget, add a lunch budget, and pay for my own license renewal….5K would’ve been easily lost. The company did not want to negotiate the pay even though my experience is exactly what they needed to build this position and department out so I turned it down. A win. I am also in the process of rebalancing my budget, there are things I can cut if I get laid off. I’ve looked into how long I can stay on unemployment, and I made a daily schedule…just in case. I am still applying for positions, but studying some things to assist in my pursuit of passive income. I am literally doing all that I can do.

I think it is important to have a plan and be ready to put it into action. I feel as though for the moment I’ve done all I can planning-wise. Actually, I think I’ve done all I can emotionally; after all, I’ve admitted how I feel about it and I’ve searched to figure out why I feel that way.

Aside from making sure I am not worrying, I’m honestly excited and relieved. I feel like the potential layoff gives me more time to apply for jobs, but also it gives me time to nurture my own pursuits, like my blog. All of this is preliminary, so I’ll have to keep you posted! If you’ve ever been in this position what did you do? What are some strategies you used to look for new employment but balance your pursuits? Comment below!

How To Entertain Your Child Without Adding More TV Time

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I’m a work from home mom so “how to keep my son entertained” is always at the forefront. I often book/plan home showings and arrange my schedule for the day; as well as communicate with clients throughout the day while he’s home. Yes, I prefer to do all of that during nap time but oftentimes that’s not the case.There are also days where I am willing to endure two hours of Sesame Street; Paw Patrol or The Incredibles 2 two consecutive times just to get something done…..it totally happens; however working from home with a toddler/preschooler/young elementary school student can certainly be done. And more importantly can be done without increasing your child(ren’s) television time. Here are a few suggestions to help you through the next few weeks of being at home with your child:

1)Play Outside: While going to the park may or may not be a good idea your yard is not off limits. My son has quite a few toys that we can move outside such as a lawnmower; a trampoline; a basketball rim; a baseball set; a barbeque grill (let’s just say I’m well prepared for summer lol); and a wagon to name a few. We can totally set up some of his toys outside and allow him to play and run off some of his energy. If you don’t have any toys don’t panic; instead revert to old school games like “Tag” “Freeze” or “Johnny Come Across”. If you have smaller children you can always play “Simon Says” or create an Obstacle Course or Scavenger Hunt. If you have multiple children create sort of a “House Cup” challenge r your own March Madness tournament(clearly I’m watching Harry Potter and missing March Madness lolnvvs). Be creative and have fun!

2)Virtual Story Time/Music Class: There are so many children’s playrooms and such that are closing to the public but that are choosing to host virtual classes. It’s actually a smart idea. Go to your child’s favorite provider’s website or social media page and see if they’re hosting any online classes.

3)Arts and Crafts: Three words Pinterest and The Dollar Store!!! I’m not the least bit artistic in this manner but Pinterest rescues me every time. They have loads of projects you can do with your little person. One of the things I love about Pinterest is you find out as you read through the comments what works best; how messy the project was; etc. Once you’ve selected your project(s) visit your local Dollar Store and grab your items (if they’re not already in your house). As I remind myself when my son is busy with arts and crafts, be patient and smile through it…cuss while cleaning up 🙂

4)Garden: I have no clue where you live but if it’s nice enough plant a garden. If you have young children it’ll be really cool to plant things and teach them the life cycle of plants and flowers. If you have somewhat older children, maybe preschool and older you can allow them to journal or vlog about the daily or weekly progress of the plant and what if anything was done to it that day. Talk about science in action!

5)Sew: Sewing works on eye hand coordination; teaches focus and goal setting; and working to meet deadlines. I find whatever you;re working on be it a potholder; over mitt; or crochet rug really sparks your creativity and allows those creative juices to flow.

6)Flashcards: Amazon, The Dollar Store, or dare I say it homemade ones!!! Flashcards are a good way for your children to review or to learn new things. Flashcards are good for any age and you can use them with any subjects from shapes and colors to ACT/SAT prep and beyond. Flashcards are becoming such a popular thing that there are now apps on our smart devices for them. Various educational websites are beginning to have flashcards as well. You can now print them off with worksheets.

7)Poetry Set: This one can be really fun with multiple kids but it also may require some teaching. Set a time, set the lights and some music (if you wish) and let each child read a poem or two of their own writing. If it’s difficult for them to write a poem allow them to research a poem or two and read those. The people you live with can be the audience and you guys can cheer one another on. This also leads me to my next point….

8)Talent Show: Much like the Talent Show your loved ones can be the participants and the audience. Allow everyone to perform whatever they want: a dance; skit; model; sing; play an instrument; whatever cool talent they have. Don’t necessarily have judges…just give participation awards: maybe a snack or certificate or something.

9)Cook: My toddler and I frequently cook together. This allows him to work on motor skills; measurements; concentration; focusing; following instructions; and it’s therapeutic for me while allowing me to spend time with him. I honestly think we bake more together than anything. Find a recipe; take pictures; bake and enjoy your food. Cooking and baking teaches so many life lessons at once.

10) Workout together: My son and I frequently do in home cardio workouts together. Is he actually doing the exercise, well sometimes; BUT is he always tired and ready for a nap after our cardio sessions-ALWAYS!!!!!! Working out together allows your child to release pent up energy while giving you the physical activity you need. We’ve tried Yoga together a few times as well. Yoga doesn’t work too well for us but I hear it works wonders in some kids. YouTube is filled with plenty of Yoga for beginners videos. Take time to indulge.

In closing these are just some of the things you can do with your kids while they’re at home for break. Remember kids are just like adults they don’t want to work all day they require a break. At the same time they don’t need to be on the Ipad or in front of the television all day. Also remember to have a plan. I have a schedule for everyday my son stays home with me. The plan doesn’t always work but it at least gives you a guideline to work with. After planning, execute but also leave a little room for changes.

If you need suggestions for workouts with kids, Yoga, or websites please feel free to comment and I’ll help out.

Toddlers -N- Tantrums: Return to Sender

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I’ve never been one to bash any mother’s style. I’ve been a stay at home mom; a working mom and now a work from home mom so I understand the nuisances of each situation. No matter what type of mom you are you’re an amazing mom and only you know what’s best for your family. Do NOT let anyone guilt you over your decisions. Right now I want to send a special shout out to all the stay at home moms of toddlers!!!! Jesus Christ, I have no clue how you all do it! In my book you have the patience of saints because all the random tantrums of the day…..I just can’t lolbvvs!!!!


I work from home two days out of the work week(weekends not included) and my son stays home with me on those days. Today was one of our days together and I had it all planned out. We’d get up at our normal time and head to one of the Children’s museums in the area for a fun day then come home for lunch and a nap; I even found a coupon for discounted entrance. I woke up packed his snacks; got breakfast going; everything was going according to my schedule. Apparently he had other plans because ten minutes after waking up he threw the tantrum of life. Alright, one pre-breakfast tantrum I can manage; sure I think it’s too early for this; of course I have no clue what triggered him but you know what?!? Head down and keep it moving….or at least that’s what I thought. About an hour later he threw a second tantrum (at least this time I knew why) and this one lasted one hour. Yes, you read that right it lasted one full hour of screaming “no, no”; kicking; falling out; thrashing; and flailing. I walked away from him and went to another part of the house, he brought his tantrum to me. I was beyond disappointed in his actions and decisions, not to mention he completely threw off our schedule. More than that I was embarrassed…..thoroughly embarrassed…and we hadn’t even left the house yet.

At that moment I decided a thirty-five to forty-five minute drive to a museum was out of the question. Honestly, at that moment I decided we weren’t going anywhere at all. There was no way I was taking him out of the house for him to act like that in front of people. After he finally pulled himself together I talked to him about why his behavior was inappropriate and how he could’ve hurt himself. Per usual he told me he understood. I then allowed him to watch Sesame Street while I attempted to get ready. He was so calm watching Sesame Street that I debated interrupting him just to run errands. Somewhere in there I decided we’d get out of the house by running errands and instead of the museum he’d have to settle for the park. I managed to get dressed; we got out of the house; and ran all errands with NO tantrums.

Moms, I almost lost my sanity today. His tantrums were so off the chart I almost dropped him off at daycare so I could collect myself. I certainly didn’t want to leave the house. Not leaving the house or at least not wanting to leave the house with him is becoming a reoccurring theme. Over the last two weeks his tantrums have become worse. At this point if you tell him “no” he runs into a corner screaming and acts as if you just told him you were taking all his toys away. Along with the screaming, he’s now thrashing, throwing things, kicking the bed just to much worse than what they normally were. The only thing I’m happy about is he’s not volatile to the point where he will hurt others while at the climax of his tantrums. He doesn’t listen if you tell him to stop because he’ll hurt someone else BUT he does listen if you tell him he’s going to hurt someone else. Bright spot I guess….

While tantrums are a normal part of toddlerhood they’re quickly becoming something that needs to cease. It’s extremely common for parents to feel embarrassed by their children’s tantrums and to my knowledge (I’m a first time mom so that knowledge is limited) society is just now empathizing with moms. While moms deserve the empathy unfortunately all moms/parents/guardians don’t receive said empathy. It was just a few weeks ago when video circulated social media about a young girl in Florida no older than the first grade who was arrested and booked by the police for throwing a tantrum at school(https://youtu.be/MSvWz6t3tfs). Her guardian wasn’t called until after the little girl was booked. Both the school district, and the criminal justice system failed this young girl and her family, but that’s another story altogether. With that type of repercussion there’s no way I can feel comfortable “just letting him outgrow this phase.” Again, I hate to bring race into my parenting blogs but in this instance it totally matters. My little black boy could very well go to jail for throwing a tantrum at school…which means there’s no room to allow him to outgrow this phase.

Since the beginning of his tantrum phase I’ve researched various ways to help him (and subsequently me) get through this. We need to learn self regulation as soon as possible. Here’s what I’ve read; tried; and why it’s failed (insert deep sigh)…

1)No Two Kids are alike: Of all the material I’ve read about toddlers, tantrums, and how to deal with them….none of this has worked me lolbs! Avoid tantrums by keeping the kids fed and full(more or less). This one doesn’t work for us because there are times where my son refuses to eat (toddlerhood) and well he fights a heavyweight battle to keep from going to bed every night. Yet, all the literature I’ve read suggests if you avoid your child being overly hungry or overly stimulated you should in theory be able to avoid a tantrum.

2) Time Outs May or May NOT Work: Not going to lie the leading literature suggests when placing a child in time out to use the one minute per year of age. For example, my son is 2 so 2 minutes should suffice. Well his daycare uses 5 minutes for all the preschoolers and that works there. He’s accustomed to it so there was no point in changing it. We use the same time out terminology and timeframe at home. Some days timeout works, other days not so much. Lately time out isn’t working at all. You can place him in time out, explain why he was in timeout and discuss better choices when he’s done but he comes out and does whatever he shouldn’t do all over again.

3)Ignoring my son NEVER works: You know how some articles say if you give the kid attention while throwing the tantrum that only gives them more ammunition to continue with the tantrum…well ignoring my son doesn’t work either. I happily go to another room (close by so I can monitor his tantrum) while he’s throwing said tantrum and he brings the tantrum to me. KID. YOU. NOT. if I wasn’t so frustrated right now it would actually be funny.

4)Redirection: To be very honest, when he’s older and knows when and when not to be persistent I will really appreciate his tenacity, and persistence. All that to say my son doesn’t quit; if he wants something he wants it and there is no amount of redirection that will change his mind. He’s quite the determined little person, so strong willed and focused. Again, I’ll love all of these characteristics in a few years but not at two.

5)Prayer: no article talks about this one, it’s my own little caveat. Some days we see a change in behavior when it happens…..other days it keeps me just barely patient enough to get to nap time without flipping out(inserts shrug).

In closing as you can see this was a bit of a rant blog(sorry), but I think it’ll spark a mini series on toddler discipline. I’m super curious to open discussions on how parents deal with things and see how parents feel about about societal norms, and “new school” discipline. As you can see I’m so lost(lol)!!! As for these tantrums-I have no idea how to get him through this phase. None of my research is helping; and honestly his tantrums have only gotten worse. Fellow parents, I need some help!!! What do you guys do? What have you done?!? I’m so far PAST over this. Please feel free to leave your comments in the comment section, help a Mama out!!

The Downfalls of Single Parenting: Passport Edition Part 2

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Ok; Ok; Ok it’s been over a month since I started writing this mini series: life happened. I ended up writing about some other things that occurred that I wanted to get off my chest; wrote a Valentine’s Day letter to my son; got sick as a dog and for a good two weeks couldn’t write period but I’m back and ready to wrap this series. Besides I’m sure you all want to know what I found out or decided to do.

I put my research skills to use and found not one but two different forms offered by the government for single parents of children wishing to get passports for their children. The first form is a Statement of Consent from the non-applying parent. Essentially you need the other parent to sign this form and have it notarized, then simply take it with you on the day you and your child go apply. For most co-parenting situations this form is probably ideal, unfortunately it wasn’t good enough for my situation. Sure I can suddenly call this dude and tell him I’m emailing or mailing this form to him and ask him to send it back signed and notarized but if we’re not communicating this isn’t an option. …back to researching.

There is indeed a second form and this one is perfect for my situation, it’s called the Exigent/Special Family Circumstances. Now I wish I could say its super easy to use this form but based on what I’ve read it’s not. You have to prove the person is non-responsive and you need to prove why the passport needs to be expedited. I honestly won’t try to go into too much details about this form because I don’t want to mislead anyone. Instead, if this form appeals to your situation please follow this link https://www.us-passport-service-guide.com/get-a-passport-for-a-child-under-exigent-special-family-circumstances.html

In closing, the aforementioned link will provide so much information in regards to obtaining a passport for a minor. Unfortunately it is a LOT harder for us single parents but I’m determined not to allow that to stop me from providing my child with life changing experiences. I don’t have all the answers to this issue, but I do encourage you not to be discouraged if you’re having a rough time. If you’ve already obtained your child’s passport please comment and let the rest of us know what you did. Let’s all help one another.

Growth(ish) Part 2: Real Recognize Real

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In Growth(ish) Part 1 I detailed an account of how and why I decided to skip out on a friend’s birthday party. I was really proud of myself because I could totally see the growth in my decision making process but also the growth in my comfort and acceptance of my single parent situation. Of course this means I was tested(deep sigh). It wasn’t the hardest of situations but it certainly forced me to come to grips with some things and acknowledge my feelings. Here goes…..

Quick background of that story I was invited to a party of a mutual friend of mine and my son’s father. After waiting to see if my son’s father would attend I decided not to go. It was just best for me to avoid him ESPECIALLY since he was bringing a plus one AND our mutual friend has no clue about the situation between us. Now that you’re all caught up that party took place on February 8th…..but on February 7th boy did I have the shock of a lifetime!!! My son and I were attending one of his toddler playpals’ 2nd birthday party in the south suburbs. Now you all don’t know this because I seldomly voice it but I attempt to stay away from the south side of the city, more specifically places I know my child’s father frequents. Yup, this extra huge city with over 3 million people and I tend to avoid one part of the city all to steer clear of one person…that’s an entirely different story. Any who, this was the south suburbs and at a children’s play venue…..not that I actually worried or previously thought about it but very low chance of running into that man.

My son and I are enjoying the party, the parents, the other little boys, the food (lol) and then it happened……while on the obstacle course I SWORE I saw my child’s father, and the infuriating part was he was with another child!!!!! Now, if it’s one thing I’m glad about it’s that I’ve learned to investigate before acting. Blood boiling, I quickly told my son “let’s go the other way around”, I needed to observe this man without being creepy. While on the other side of the obstacle course I watched the guy’s movements; motions; looked at his build and demeanor again; eyed the child trying to figure out where in the san-blue hell a 6-8 year old girl I knew nothing about could or would’ve come from. I contemplated how to approach him if it were actually my son’s father…..all of that occurred in less than three minutes, kid you not lol(women are great private detectives when necessary). You know what? I did all of that and it wasn’t even him!!!!! My brain, my emotions, everything was able to relax again. I was thoroughly embarrassed but able to play it off because no one knew what was going on. My son and I continued to enjoy the party and left at the end with no one, including the other guy having any idea of what transpired.

Even though I was able to save face, this occurrence really forced me to reflect on myself. Had I really healed? Was I truly over this guy? Why did the thought of him set me on edge? I realized it wasn’t the thought of seeing him that put me over the edge. I saw with my own two eyes that he was bringing someone else to a party and that didn’t affect me emotionally. I didn’t want him back; and I really have made strides in my healing. There was only one other time I got pissed at the thought of seeing him, and that too was a day I thought I saw him with another kid. That’s when I realized it wasn’t the thought of seeing him that upset me, it was the thought of him taking care of or spending time with another child that boiled my blood.

In that moment I didn’t take time to tell myself I was wrong for feeling that way, in that moment I was proud of myself for being up front and honest. Sometimes when we’re healing it’s easy to hide the truth from ourselves, I chose not to do that. Secondly, I gave myself permission to have those feelings. Are they good feelings; no. Can I control him; no….but it’s ok for me to feel the way I do. This is someone who rejected his child in every way imaginable, it makes sense for me to react strongly to that. However, now that I know and understand I have these feelings it’s something I need to work on; pray over; and perhaps even game plan how I should deal with it. It’s been about two weeks since this happened and I still don’t have a game plan for how to handle the fact that one day I may see him parenting another child. I plan to but haven’t done so yet. In fact if I’m being totally honest this is the first time I’ve openly talked/wrote about the situation. I believe this is the second step in confronting my feelings. I’ve acknowledged them, and now I’m admitting them. It may sound cliche’ but it actually feels really good to be open; in fact it’s freeing. Now I can pray over it, pray for healing of those feelings but also pray for my son’s healing in that department. If I get pissed at the possibility of seeing him parent another child I can only imagine how that will affect my son. I think I also need to pray over the characteristics of the father I desire for my child; and for my child not to feel any sense of “missing out on things/love”; and for his restoration.

Valentine’s Day Letter to My Son

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Valentine’s Day 2020 I wanted to find my son the perfect card. I’d give him his present and card; we’d put the card and picture in his memory box and later on in life he’d be able to read it and realize how much his Mommy loves him. As was the case with his birthday finding my idea of the perfect card didn’t happen; in fact writing this letter on time also didn’t happen. Valentine’s Day rolled around and I was down with the flu. Like low grade fever that wouldn’t break; extremely sore body; loads of sweating; no appetite; couldn’t do anything other than sleep and cough….FLU! I barely made it out of bed Thursday afternoon to purchase the snacks and cards for his Valentine’s Day party at daycare but Thank God I was able to make his treat bags(in spite of forgetting to purchase Valentine’s Day baggies and having to use ziploc bags). Here we are four days later and Mommy is just now well enough to compose his letter (and subsequently this blog). Thinking about some of the things I’ve set out to accomplish this year helped put my intentions and love for him in the perfect perspective for his letter.

I love my son SOOOOOOOOOOO much, as I am sure you all love your child(ren). Being a single parent has been interesting to say the least and quite an educational experience. I think sometimes we single parents focus intently on teaching our child everything we feel he or she would learn in a two parent home until we lose focus of what the most important lessons are. For me the most important thing is making sure I’m building a solid foundation for his relationship with God. IF I am intention (refer to https://chroniclesofasinglemom.home.blog/2020/01/01/lessons-for-2020/ for more about my year of intentionality) about providing the foundation for his relationship with God; in return I know God will prompt me to teach him things I may forget….OR He’ll provide someone else in our village to teach my son said lesson. The following blog isn’t the actual letter I wrote my son but a guideline for some of the things I am practicing in order to build the his foundation. The conclusion will sort of link the blog and his letter together.

1)The Word(Bible): I previously stated 2020 is a year of intentionality for me. Basically it means that I am purposefully setting out to do some things and that I am using certain tasks to hold myself accountable. One such goal of mine is to lay the foundation for my son’s relationship with God. As I’ve gotten older and worked on my own relationship with God I’ve heard a lot about praying the word. As dumb as this may sound I had no idea what this meant OR how to do it. Praying the word is certainly something I want to be able to teach him and because I was clueless I had to research it for myself. One thing I learned is it’s impossible to pray the word if you don’t know the word. In relation to my child, he’s a toddler which means he’s going to imitate things he sees; which means I have to set the right examples. Classic case, if I don’t want him to curse at daycare I can’t curse in front of him…and well this one is hard if sports are involved lolbs! To date he hasn’t embarrassed me and cursed at daycare (inserts happy dance)! So I concluded it will be good for him to see me reading and studying the word; as well as speaking the word in hopes that as he grows and matures he will follow in those footsteps.

2) Prayer: I didn’t mention prayer in the previous bulletpoint because it needed to stand alone. Obviously if I want him to have a relationship with God I have to teach him how to communicate with God. We communicate with God through prayer. While my son is accustomed to seeing my pray as his vocabulary increased it became imperative to teach him to pray WITH me instead of him listening to or watching me pray. My son and I have two set prayer times, three if you include grace. The first time we pray is in the truck on our way to daycare. We (well I) recite Psalms 91 and then he and I say a little prayer afterwards. Our second time to pray is right before bed; at bedtime we say the childhood favorite “Now I lay me down to sleep.” It’s important to establish this routine with him as it allows him to understand we start and end our day with prayer; and it also allows him to get an understanding of what/who to pray for and how to pray. I believe as he gets older this routine will enable him to understand that it’s best and in my opinion easiest to pray throughout the day.

3)Morning Affirmations: This one is really fun!!! Not to bring race into an already content heavy blog BUT my son is a little black boy. Yup, there I said it. The world (anyone) will try to tear him down, it is up to me and my village to lift him up; a HUGE part of that is my responsibility as his mother. Our morning affirmations build him up; instill confidence; get him pumped and ready for the day; give him a certain mindset; but most importantly our affirmations teach him who he is in Christ!! These affirmations also serve as a way for him to learn some scripture early which in turn will help him learn how to pray the word over his life.

4)Grace: Translate grace into patience….now please drop your head and say a silent prayer for me because this one is a huge struggle lolbvvs!!! I am NOT the one to tell you how to give grace to others. I can tell you that it’s important enough for me to model to my son…..so that made it important enough to actually take time to study what the word says about patience and being patient.

5) Church: We go two to three times a month so believe me when I tell you I am not the person to lecture you about church attendance. I can attest to how important having a church home is and more importantly I can tell you the importance of finding the RIGHT church home. Before finding out I was pregnant I often said of my church home “once I have a kid I’m out, there’s nothing for kids to do here and I will need my kid to be interactive and involved.” Flash forward two years later and we haven’t left, nor have I thought about leaving. No church is perfect, and in spite of what some may think you don’t have to tell all of your business to the people of the church to receive their support, and love. When my son baptized I was thankful for the support of the church. My son’s father nor any member of his family were there; it meant the world to me that my family and my sisters(my church crew) stood behind and with me. And I’m sure you’re thinking ” of course they stood with you, they knew about the situation” in fact they didn’t. At that time only my mother knew what was going on with my son’s father. They stood with me out of love for my son and I…and until this day none of them have asked where my son’s father was. They know the story at this point because I eventually opened up and disclosed it. That’s honestly just one example of knowing I was in the right church. There have been so many examples over the past two years; and oddly enough the Children’s Ministry is growing:) Long story short find the church that fits you and your family’s needs and make a strong attempt to become apart of it. There will be a time when you need them most, and if you’re in the right place they’ll give you what you need without hesitation.

In conclusion no you didn’t read my letter to my son, what you read are some of the steps that I’m taking to ensure his relationship with God. These are the same things I wrote about in his letter, along with why I feel this is important and a little bit about the love of God. Teaching him about the love of God and love for himself will enable him to have a great Valentine’s Day irregardless of who he gets cards/candy from; the events of the day/weekend that he may or may not attend; and his dating/marriage situation. Teaching him about the ultimate love will have a positive life lasting effect on him. That’s my job as his mom……. the person who loves him most on this earth.

Happy Valentine’s Day 2020:)

Badge of Shame

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My son is named after his father. In fact, he’s name after both his father and grandfather; his suffix is “III.” Once my ex rejected him( even after signing his birth certificate) I seriously debated changing his name. Not his first name, he was just about eleven months at the time and certainly used to his first name but his middle and last names……..most definitely! In my mind there was no sense in wearing the name of the person who ejected him.

Rewind to 11 months (now almost 2 years ago) I remember finding out I was pregnant and instantly thinking “well at least I don’t have to think of a name.” After telling one of my newly divorced friends my plan to name him after his father she posed some real questions. Are you sure he’s going to be around; you don’t want to name him after someone who acts an ass then you’re reminded of that person every time you call your son. “How will you feel calling your son by this name (his name) when you’re pissed off with him(the ex)? “I’m going through all of that now she remarked, I almost hate calling my son’s real name because it reminds me of his father. There’s a lot that goes into naming the child after his father, stuff we don’t think about.” I’ll admit, she scared the shit out of me. I hadn’t thought of any of that. She scared me so much I debated and actually tried to change my son’s name. I remember thinking “maybe he can just have the same initials as his dad”; maybe he can have a different name altogether, different initials and all.” I ran the idea of another name by my mom who loved it. She suggested that was a good idea as we already had 2-3 cousins with the same first name. And as she told me oddly enough one of those cousins had a middle name that was close to my son’s father’s middle name too. Agreeing that was too much, for the next three weeks I came up with different names and called my son by them……that stubborn little man wouldn’t budge. I liked one name in particular and really wished he would answer to it BUT wishful thinking. He would only answer to his father’s name….and so it was I was stuck naming him after his father. With my baby due any day now I became quite content with naming him after his dad, after all his dad was pleased with the decision AND my son refused to answer to anything else.

During the first ten months I never rethought my son’s name. Sure his dad and I had some rough times but those come with the territory of being in a relationship. It wasn’t until that night in October a year after having my first doubts that I suddenly felt as if I’d made a mistake. It was the week before my son’s baptism and his father was taking forever to give his parents the invitation. I decided we’d known one another for the longest; we had a great relationship, there was no reason I couldn’t send his mom a message with the invite myself. That was the absolute biggest mistake of my life. It was that night all hell broke loose. Long story short my son’s father told her we had a DNA test and the kid wasn’t his. Talk about an earth shattering moment. I have to stand in front of God, my Pastor, family, and church family to have my son baptized with a name of someone rejecting him?!?!? I have to stand there bearing THIS?!?!? TOO MUCH JESUS, TOO MUCH!!!!

You couldn’t pay me to believe I hadn’t made a mistake. How could I not see this happening? How was I supposed to get him baptized. Was I really going to stand there and allow him to be called by the traitor’s name? What choice did I have? This was such a nightmare. There we stood having him baptized by the traitor’s name; with a cake at dinner afterwards that also had his name…not a sole from that side of the family there. Not even his treacherous ass twenty-three other chromosomes. This was so embarrassing.

I got through that day taking the celebratory dinner to divulge to my cousins what had transpired. It helped to tell someone other than my best friends and my mother but still there was a deathly feeling. It was that damn name.

In an argument attempting to get through what happened I told the jackass that I intended to change the my son’s name because I didn’t want the baby to bear the constant rejection from someone who didn’t want him. This foo had the audacity to tell me that hurt his feelings. Pardon my language but I flipped the fuck out. Do you really think I care about your feelings after what you did to me? What about my son’s feelings? How is he going to feel as he gets older?

That was and still is such a haunting question. How do you explain to a child why you made a decision to name him after someone who decided to abandon him? The truth has been suggested, but if I’m my son I don’t want to hear “ I used to love him, we grew up together, I named you to honor him as his first born son, I didn’t see this coming, I’m sorry. He’ll hear I’m sorry because I am, I never intended for things to go this way, but really how do I teach him not to look at his name as a badge of shame? How do I teach him to handle questions about his name in school? How do I answer when he asks why we have different last names? What do I say if he asks why didn’t I change his name? Almost a year later and I still don’t have answers.

Looking back on my rant about changing his name, my mother never actually co-signed or tried to talk me out of it. From what I can remember she just let me vent. Of course my cousins said change his name and go for child support, my best friends agreed with my cousins….once they came out of their shock about the entire situation. One of my mom’s friends told me not to change his name because if anything ever happened to his father my son would get money….Lord forbid this of course. Really, the decision was mine. When I originally told his father I was changing his name I told his father he should have the privilege of giving his name to someone he loved, cared about and wanted to parent. I was serious when I said that. On the other hand it was pretty fucked up knowing he may have another son some day and the chick will never know about my kid UNTIL she tried to name her son after this same treacherous soul only to find out it wasn’t possible.

In the end I still haven’t changed his name. I let my son keep his name. I didn’t do it out of spite, fear, not for money( I’m not even seeking child support from the bastard I just want to be left alone in peace), I didn’t do it out of indecisiveness. Now I haven’t given my son a nickname he can only be called by his full name. Any nickname is entirely too close to his father, and while I forgive him and I’m moving past all this….I still don’t wanna hear that name. No bitterness there, I don’t cringe when others do it, I don’t correct them BUT I’m not making a habit out of it either. I haven’t changed his name because one day my son will be great( I truly believe this). One day my son will change the world, he will make it a better place. When that day comes I want his other twenty-three chromosomes to know he missed out. I want him to be reminded that missing out was his decision. I want him to be reminded of what he did.

I don’t know how to answer my son, I hope I never have to answer those questions but if I do I’ll tell him the truth. I named you after him because at one point I loved him, and you were a gift to him. It’s not your fault that he didn’t realize or accept you as his gift. It’s not your fault that he didn’t stay, he missed out, not you. I am truly sorry that you have to bear his name, you are free to change your name BUT his decisions don’t dictate who you are, they don’t dictate who you will be. They don’t dictate your worth. Having his name doesn’t dictate your worth or your future. I truly think that’s the best answer I can give him.

Grief. Part 2

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Third, I mourned the loss of my best friend. Every time life sporadically changed you were there. When I didn’t believe in myself you believed in me. When I questioned whether or not I was good enough you were there to remind me of my accomplishments. When I got caught up in my thoughts you guided me back to reality. When I was scared and felt vulnerable you were by my side. When I felt alone you reminded me I wasn’t. Even when we weren’t dating you were my other half. No one ever understood the dynamics of our relationship; why we were so tight, why we were inseparable , why we always came back to one another. I’m not sure we understood it, I just know we always found our way back to each other. We always balanced one another. You were my calm, I was your storm. We bounced off one another, always laughed together, always shared. If I take things out of the relationship context you’re still there. Your absence is still hard to fill. Your presence is still very well missed…and honestly losing you in this respect is much harder than losing you as a mate. The unexpected loss of 20 years of history is unfathomable. The loss of a connection is indescribable. At least once a week I am inadvertently tasked with figuring out how to fill that friendship void. I’m STILL mourning this loss. Each situation I’m presented with where I want to reach out to you is always different so it causes me to deal with the loss from a different angle. They say time heals everything, I guess 20 years takes more than 9 months. I. STILL. MISS. YOU.

My idea of family?!?!? Busted! You, your shenanigans completely ruined that. This took took forever to get over, yet accepting this piece is what actually brought my newfound PEACE. I used to think our family would be a love story for the ages, a dream…something straight out of a fairy tale…after all not everyone lives to marry their high school sweetheart. Before we ever found out I was pregnant WE. WERE. IN. HEAVEN. House hunting, planning, supporting you as you relentlessly pursued your dream career, you supporting me in total entrepreneurship, us making it work. I honestly don’t think I’d ever been happier; it felt like the stars finally aligned in our favor. I daydreamed about our future children looking like you. I dreamt about all the extracurricular activities we’d have them in…actually we talked about them….family gatherings at the kids’ events…..celebrating milestone. I dreamt of how good you’d be with them. I dreamt of us celebrating marital milestones….silver and golden anniversaries…vow renewals with our children by our side. I cloaked myself in the idea of finally breaking the curse of single moms in my family. After all you already had a daughter whom you were very engaged with. I saw the care and love you out into her and I said “wow, my future babies are going to be so lucky.” Then we got the news, and everything changed. Our beautiful boy was born and you weren’t there. You weren’t involved. You missed everything….literally everything. Work was always your excuse. I knew it didn’t feel right, didn’t seem right but I was still optimistic, taking you at your word….then the other shoe dropped and all of a sudden I was a single mom. You were no longer there, not an option. The dreams I had died the day you couldn’t answer where the hell your mother got such a crazy idea. Our plans died, my future died that day. No more marriage, no more house, no more kids(or at least not all by the same person), no more seeing you as a loving father. My vision of you died. My family died that day. Clearly there was no way I could ever open my heart or trust anyone ever again. And really who the hell dates with kids? You mean I’m supposed to trust another man around my child? Ha! No thanks. DEATH. DEATH OF HOPE. DEATH OF DREAMS. DEATH OF FUTURE. FEAR. LONELINESS. DESPAIR. While losing you as a friend was the hardest to mourn and certainly took the most time, death of a future is a hard pill to swallow. How do I get past this? How do I not sink into a depression and give up?

I prayed; I cried!! I prayed on the way to work, throughout the day. I silently cried myself to sleep at night, or every time I saw what presented itself as a loving family. I cried every time your name came through my phone. I sought therapy. I cried there too. I talked about how much I love and now hated you all at the same time. I cried. I prayed while I cried…I cried while I prayed. I repeated that cycle for months. I went on with my life as though nothing changed. The facade was REAL. I immersed myself in my son and his happiness, afterall his happiness and wellbeing was all that matter at this point. I mourned. I haven’t mourned this much or this hard since losing my grandmother. I. MOURNED, but I held it together in public. The majority of my friends and family had no clue what was going on. I carried on and spoke as if “we” was still a thing. “Our” family was fine. I informed you of things going on with the baby. I wrote your name on all pertinent forms, you were still very much apart of “my” life. My mom circle was still that of 2 parent families; dads of the families still asking “when is he gonna take a day off and have a family day with us?” No one knew I was dying inside, I was miserable and I was attempting to come to grips with a new reality. The one thing I needed was time. Time to mourn, time to grieve, time to cry, time to heal. Time is the ONE thing I felt I couldn’t give myself….because I was now a single parent and my everything needed to go into my sweet baby boy. It’s been 9 months and I’m still processing; I’m definitely healing. I feel stronger, I feel better, there’s no longer a pit in my stomach when I see a 2 parent home. No longer a twinge of jealousy and pain when I see a dad with his child. This is still my cross to bear, my child will NOT bear it. Afterall the mother must bear the pain for the son. For the moment I am no longer grieving and all it took was time…..which led to…..acceptance!

Grief.

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I’ve been a mom 19 months; a single mom 9 months, and yet I only made peace with this maybe 3 weeks ago. Sounds crazy right? How is it that my son’s other 23 chromosomes hasn’t seen him in 9 months, hasn’t helped financially in 6 months, calls….no scratch that texts to check on his child once every 6-8 weeks and I JUST came to terms with what I am?!?

Optimism! Hope! Faith! (All lies)

Turns out when you grew up with someone; have known them more than half your life; had one of the deepest multifaceted relationships with that person; know the cycle of the relationship, and down right love them with every fiber of your being….it takes time to let go of that.

First. I mourned for my child. I mourned the fact that he wouldn’t have a relationship with his dad; mourned the fact that he wouldn’t have a relationship with his father’s family; mourned that my child, my innocent baby boy was flat out rejected. Not only was he rejected, he was kept a secret, and to add insult to injury I was lied to about the rejection!! I was crushed, I was devastated. It honestly felt like I’d failed my son. I never wanted him to be the product of a single parent, never wanted him to know the pain and rejection of being unwanted by your father-a parent who’s supposed to love you, protect you, and take care of you….here he was going through the same thing I went through. What am I supposed to tell him when he gets older and asks about a father? How do ai look him in the eyes and tell him that by no fault of his own his father decided not to be in his life? How do I shield him from thinking “his father’s rejection is his own fault?” How do I stop him from thinking “he did something wrong, or that he’s not good enough?” How do I stop him from feeling unloved. How do I tell him that he was named after his grandfather and father who originally was all in? How do I expect him to want to carry the name of the man who rejected him? Oh. My. God….how could I do that to him? SHAME. GUILT. FEAR. PAIN. IMMENSE PAIN. DEATH. I honestly don’t know how long it took me to mourn all of this. Realistically I’m not sure this part is completely over. My son can’t talk, can’t ask questions, right now has no concept of missing anything so I’m sure when these discussions come about this place will be revisited…but for now it’s dead.

Secondly I mourned the death of my future with this man. He and I dated since the age of 14. If we weren’t dating we were best friends. We’ve weathered sick parents, the death of grandparents and other family members. We weathered terrible relationships, broken engagements, multiple job and career changes. We’ve weathered one unplanned child (and not the one we have jointly), we’ve managed a long distance relationship, jailed siblings. We’ve shared our dreams with one another, encouraged each other, supported one another as we pursued said dreams. We’ve been one another’s peace, rational voice, stress reliever, one another’s biggest challenge. We were discussing marriage, looking for houses, financial planning together, discussing our future children then I have our first child and all of a sudden he’s not yours?!?! RAGE. ANGER. DISBELIEF. INSANITY. USED. MISLED.STUPID.CRUSHED.SHAME, GUILT. PAIN. Did I mention STUPID? DEAD. How am I supposed to handle this? How do I process this? How am I supposed to ever want to open my heart to anyone again? How am I supposed to trust? How could I not see this coming? How could I be so stupid? What about our future? How can you throw everything away? What about our family? So Im just supposed to grow old alone? You’re rejecting me? You were there when my donor died, I told you how it felt to be rejected by him. You said “I’d never have to feel that pain again.” You LIED TO ME? You’re rejecting me?!?! AND our son?!? I don’t even know how to feel. I’m confused. I. Feel. NUMB.

I can’t even process this the way I need to because there’s a little boy involved and he needs me. If I’m happy, he’s happy. If I’m calm, he’s calm. I have to act like everything is fine lest I transfer these emotions to my child. How the fuck does anyone do this shit?

……the mother must bear the pain for the child, he can’t bear this.