Tag Archives: black millennial mom

Birthday Month!!!!!

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Remember I told you all the fall season is like my single mama Superbowl??? Well, it totally is! September is back to school-ish but it also marks the start of most fall festivals; October, is the peak month for fall festivals and Halloween, and November is my son’s birthday month….and Thanksgiving. Needless to say if not planned properly fall can be overwhelming and certainly a financial crunch. Yet, my son always seems to come out on “top” and there are a few reasons for that. In this month’s series, I’ll talk through my planning process, my selection of birthday gifts, how I decide to do parties, and all of the jazz that makes the fall season and birthdays special. Since fall festivals typically begin before November we’ll start there.

First off, I plan. I have to…I don’t do too well without at least an outline of a plan. Bare bones planning usually takes place at the beginning of the year when I am goal planning. For me, bare-bones planning consists of me listing out different events I know will occur in whatever season or month (if I have that info) and maybe an approximation of how much it costs. For example, I know the fall season means school pictures, his school’s bookfair, the school walkathon, several October Fest, class birthday parties, pumpkin patches, apple picking, parades, the UniverSoul Circus, Halloween parades(both the school and the neighborhood’s), his class Halloween party, and at least one football game I will want to take him to. Now, realistically that’s not all of the events that occur in the fall, it’s just a list of things we tend to do. This skeletal outline of sorts allows me to place holds on my calendar (read https://chroniclesofasinglemom.home.blog/2022/09/14/tips-to-master-your-calendar/ for more information on how I organize my calendar). The holds keep me from potentially taking on more than I can both attend and afford. A hidden perk of the skeletal outline is having an idea of how much to save, or what coupons to look for.

After creating a skeletal outline of my calendar, I do two things, one, I already know which invites to decline. This year we said no to all birthday party invites from his classmates. Sorry, kids. We didn’t have the time, I didn’t have the money AND all of this is in synchronized harmony because he’s not having a party this year so it doesn’t look as if I am cheating out of other parties while expecting gifts. Secondly, I pencil (not really since it’s my google calendar) his sports lessons, and try to leave at least one day blocked for rest. The rest day is essential because it blocks off time in case something comes up that I decide to do, but also it’s a day for us to do nothing:)

Third, and for me this is the fun part-figuring out who to do what with. I have a fair amount of friends with children that are my son’s age and we try to get the kids together quarterly (minimum). Fall activities are a great time to connect, the weather is generally perfect and as an only child he now has someone to enjoy the adventure with. A hidden perk of my son’s birthday being in the fall is he gets to hit a few of these places as birthday presents. Yup, you read that right. My friends are ALWAYS asking what to get him, and my answer changed from nothing to “well, pay for his admission on our outing.” Guess what, they don’t mind at all. Paying for his admission to a fall activity is much easier than wrecking one’s brain to find the perfect gift, trying to remember a gift receipt in case he gets two of the same gift, or worse consoling their child who just threw a tantrum because they want the same toy. It’s a win-win situation for both me and said friend. We will cover more of my gifting hacks in a later blog.

Lastly, saving is great and all but a good coupon will give you life lol!!!! If you haven’t figured it out by now I am frugal. I’m not necessarily cheap BUT I love a good deal. Fall festivities, Halloween, a fall birthday, and both major holidays can wreak havoc on your bank account. Enters coupons! Now, most times coupons are hard to find for fall fest. Look for coupons and discount codes from your child’s school or daycare, and the library. Here in Chicago, our libraries have free passes for different museums and exhibits. The trick is getting those passes at the right time. Secondly, use Groupon and Krazy Coupon Lady. These are my go -tos and they rarely let me down. Actually, I got my son’s birthday trip from Krazy Coupon lady:) It’s also a good idea to sign up for the parent magazines and websites in your area. These are hubs of children’s info and they always give activities, and a lot of times they’ll inform you of when the free or deeply discounted days are. Also, know who the mom/children’s social media influencers are in your area and, be sure to follow their pages. They know everything. Finally, don’t be afraid to go on an attraction’s website and look for discounted days. It may be a Friday evening or something odd like that but if you can take some time off work and go!

In closing, if I had to bulletpoint how I navigate the fall season it would look like this: plan ahead, save, narrow down what you really want to do, don’t overbook yourself or your child, think outside of the box, and most importantly find coupons. These points will get you through the fall season without breaking the bank, especially if you have a fall baby. Let’s help one another, leave your fall fest hacks in the comments below!

Morning Routine

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If you read The Way You Start Your Day Dictates the Directionality then you know I am a huge fan of morning routines for myself and my son. While my morning routine is a bit more relaxed, his is not. We literally do the same things every morning. We’ve had the same core items since my son was about two, of course, we’ve added and subtracted things over the last few years and there’s room to edit what works and doesn’t as he continues to grow BUT he knows his basics are always there. It is important to create routines for children for several reasons. One such reason routines are important for children is knowing what’s about to happen gives children a sense of security. Other reasons routines are important for children are: routines set expectations, routines help children learn about schedules, they allow children to be independent (within the bounds of your routine), routines establish healthy habits, and routines create a calmer environment. Children and routines go hand in hand; as the parent routines make your life a little easier.

Once my son gets up it is easy to forget any and everything, hence the reason I need to get up before him and the reason he needs a routine. I learned during his daycare days that homeboy will wake up in one of three different moods: happy, playful, or pissed. The amount of sleep he got nor the way in which I wake him up can change this. In fact, he’s so much of a drama king if he wakes up happy or playful he will still find a way to waste thirty minutes. Because of this, I wake him up thirty minutes earlier than necessary to ensure no matter his antics we get to school on time.

I wake him up with a song or two, a hug, and, a kiss. He ain’t getting full ballards lol, but something simple. If there is a song he likes from chapel the prior week I’ll sing that. Other times he gets a good morning song of some sort. After his song, he goes to the bathroom, changes his calendar, and comes to the table for vitamins, and to pack his lunchbox. I tend to pack the entree and water while he packs snacks. more times than not I am also cooking his breakfast while we’re working on his lunch. When breakfast is ready he eats, puts his lunchbox in his book bag, and goes to get dressed.

Hygiene takes at least 20 mins. He’s a little kid so you’d think it wouldn’t take that long but NOPE!!! I let him perform the task (insert brush teeth, wash face, brush hair, etc) then I go behind him and do it. I personally would love to move these teachable moments to bedtime only but he won’t hear of it. It takes a bit longer for both of us to perform each task but it gets done, I know he’s clean, and it cuts down on reasons for us to fight. I hate compromising with him in the morning but my peace and getting out of the door is more important so it is what it is.

In my opinion, this part of our morning routine is a lot like everyone else’s- getting ready lol! The differentiation in our routine mainly takes place in the truck on the way to school….and you” read all about that in the next blog! For now stay tuned and please share what you and your littles do in the comment section. Also, feel free to any routine- making and/or timesaving tips below as well!

The Way You Start Your Day Dictates the Directionality

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I think we can agree the way you start the day sets the tone for the rest of the day. We can also agree that parents have a 6th or maybe even 7th sense for putting the first part of our mornings behind us to have a semi-decent day at work and beyond. I also believe children have an additional sense for taking FOREVER to get ready for school, I know I did lol! Those first twenty to thirty minutes were a complete waste of time. Fortunately for my little one, I know and understand that mornings are different for children, and because of that, I try very hard to provide a routine that will give him the best possible start. Throughout the coming weeks I will detail the routine I have with him, however today I will detail my routine, because honestly if I’m not in the right mood or mindset his routine can go south quickly!!

Full transparency, my daily prep work starts the night before, lol! I don’t get up early enough to do everything before my son wakes up, maybe one day after I’m done with school I’ll be able to shift into that space but right now absolutely not! Once I’m done studying for the night, I look at my master calendar to ensure I have everything packed. For example, on Thursdays my son has to return his school library books back to the school library, so on Wednesday nights I tend to check his bag to ensure he actually packed the book. The same goes for Tuesday folders. A lot of times there is something that needs to be returned to his teacher, I double-check to ensure this has been completed and packed on Tuesday nights. I also check the master calendar to make sure I have appropriate clothing laid out for the next day. I tend to drop him off in my workout clothes, but if I have a meeting, presentation, etc I need to ensure I have proper clothing laid out and a packed bag. Upon completion of these steps I call it a night.

When my son first started school I got up an hour before him. During that hour I have a short prayer, read a devotional, journal, have some coffee, and take my vitamins. I try hard not to check email during this time but if for some reason I engage in email I will schedule quick responses to send during business hours. I’d also wash and dry his lunchbox as well as pack his lunch. It was a fairly productive hour until my class load got heavier AND he wanted to be more involved in packing his lunch.

Now that he is able to and wants to help a little more (this can actually also slow us down) and my class load is considerably larger (all three credit classes are not created equally) I’ve made some adjustments to the daily prep work in order to get more rest and I only get up thirty mins before him. In these thirty minutes, I have a short prayer, read a devotional, have some coffee, and take my vitamins. Sometimes I also need to wash his lunchbox and water bottle during that timeframe. Once everything is washed I towel dry it and pack his lunch. This year we incorporated meal planning into our weekly prep which works wonders. I can lay everything he needs to pack on his placemat and he will pack it while waiting on breakfast. This time isn’t extremely productive but it gives me a few moments of peace and allows me to get focused and centered for the rest of the day. Honestly, if I could get up an hour earlier I would but that would mean going to bed an hour earlier and that’s not an adjustment I’m ready to make.

I’ve learned to ebb and flow with the timing of my morning routine. I used to feel so thrown off if I didn’t wake up a full hour before him, however in trying to get as much sleep as possible I’ve realized the mornings are made easier based on the prep work I do beforehand. The small tasks that I complete on Sundays and every night matter. They significantly decrease the amount of prep work that takes place during the mornings which allows me to feel more rested. Sunday preparation allows for coffee and Jesus in the mornings. Coffee and Jesus allow me to be somewhat calm before the start of the day. Do what works for you, but make sure you get some daily “me time” in prior to waking the littles up and starting their day.

Tips For Preparing Your Little One For Their First Field Trip

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If ever I stumbled upon something to write about this is it. I generally plan my content/series for each month based on what is going on with and/or around me. This particular blog wasn’t planned, and honestly, it’s not something I thought was needed……until it happened lol!

Recently, my son went on his first school field trip and while I was prepared, he was not. When I found out about the trip I told him it would happen, when it would happen, I explained what the purpose of the trip was, and I asked if he wanted the book that came along with the trip. In my mind, it was over and done with; he knew what to expect, and all would go smoothly because of our preparations. As I later found out this was a grossly miscalculated assumption, in part because I didn’t have more details from his teacher AND I because equated his first field trip to any trip he and I take together. Yet, I wouldn’t be there, and he understood that. The day before his trip my son politely asked me what was going to happen and that’s when I realized I had not prepared him well enough. He asked a LOT of good questions, questions that I am not sure four-year-old me would’ve asked. As I answered each question to the best of my ability I noticed a calm spirit come over him. He now felt prepared enough to enjoy the trip. I decided to write about our experience to keep you from making the same mistake(s) I made. Here is a quick list of things to do:

1)(If possible) Talk through the schedule with your child. My son, like any early elementary-aged -child likes to know what will happen. Sure, I told him it was a walking trip to the library. I told him he’d need to listen to his teachers in order to cross the street safely, I told him they’d more than likely walk in partners. He even previewed the book prior to going to the book read. What I didn’t tell him is what to expect once the trip was over. This is important!!! Let your child know they will line up and return back to school, let them know how they will return. Don’t assume they understand since they walked TO the trip they will also walk BACK. If possible tell them where they’ll eat lunch and an approximate time. My son doesn’t know how to tell time yet so I gave him some events to look prompt him that lunch is coming. Give an idea of how the rest of the day will go. In this case, I was able to inform him they’d go back to school and resume their normal afternoon structure. Be as specific as possible BUT if you don’t know ask and also let them know you don’t know.

2)Pack a Normal Lunch. This is NOT the day to try something new; they will already be filled with excitement about their new experience. Pack something you know they love, and something fairly quick and easy to eat. In doing so you will have a much better chance of them eating their meal and snacks. Pro Tip: Don’t send eating utensils on field trip days, I guarantee they will come up lost lolbs!

3) Speak With the Teacher Beforehand: I spoke with my son’s teacher several times to gain clarity on the logistics of the trip. In this case, the class was attending a book read and signing event where the kids could purchase their own copy of the book. Hmmmm, my son is four so him making a purchase without me is NOT an option. I needed to know whether or not we could pre-order the book, who needed to pick it up, whose name to put down for pick up(the teacher or the aide), if the kids needed to bring a snack, etc. As it stands this was the teacher’s first time taking a class on a field trip since COVID-19 so she too had to “recall how this works” lol. Once she got her bearings she was able to answer my questions. Her answers in turn gave me a set of expectations AND allowed me to correctly communicate certain things to my son.

4)Ask the Teacher How You Can Help: Oftentimes teachers are overworked, and underpaid. What they do is a labor of love. Ask how you can assist them. Do they need chaperones, do they need nametags made, emails drafted and /or sent to the parents with more information, etc. Asking how you can help allows your child’s teacher to view you as an ally. This newfound allyship will get you more information and assistance with your child than you can ever imagine.

5)Teach Your Child What To Do If They Get Lost! No one wants to think about or endure a lost child, but stay ready so you don’t have to get ready because life happens. I’d much rather my child know what to do if he gets lost and never have to use the training than I would my child get lost and have no clue what to do. Teaching them what to do also means making sure they know their address, phone number, your real name, their real name (can’t do an all- call for Mo-Mo), their teacher’s name, their school’s name, etc. Give them the tools to succeed in this case. Once you equip them with the necessary tools you will also need to rehearse it. These kids are young, they won’t remember any of this info if they are trained to use it. If you’re ahead of the game and your child already knows what to do if they get lost, be sure to teach them how to handle getting lost on a field trip. Getting separated from you in a grocery store is a lot different from getting separated from your class at say…the zoo. Unfortunately idiosyncracies matter.

6) Bonus Tip: If you’re sending your little one with a cell phone let the teacher know. There are actually some kid -friendly ways to use technology to keep up with your kids, that don’t involve an actual phone BUT if you plan to send a phone err on the side of caution and make sure the teacher knows your child has a phone in case of emergency.

In closing, give your little one the security and freedom they need to enjoy the trip by preparing as much as possible in advance. These preparations will allow both of you to be as calm as possible for the big day. Communicate with both your child and the teacher as much as possible, when it comes to your child there is no such thing as over communication. What are some tips you’ve used to prepare your child for their first field trip? Leave them below in the comments!

Tips for Convos With Your Younger Child(ren)-Back to School Edition

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So……. during my son’s first formal year of school, a lot of the parents were extremely shocked I knew what was going on inside of the classroom. Like I knew all the PK tea lol!! I’d often get asked how I knew what was going on and to a lot of parents’ surprise my answer was always “my son told me.” In return I’d hear a lot “my child doesn’t tell me anything, how do you do that?’ I decided this school year I’d share some of my tips for getting your little ones to open up about school. Remember, my little one is preschool aged, not sure if these tips would work for older children, but I do know if you get them talking while they’re young it is much easier to talk to them as they continue to grow. Here goes:

1)Know their calendar/schedule. My son’s teacher sent weekly calendars. I knew what books would be read, what day specials were, birthdays, etc. The calendar gave me a framework for questions such as “how was music today”, “did you hear any good stories at library?” “What was your favorite part of the story?” “How was recess, was it indoors or outdoors?” “Who’d you sit with?’ Pro Tip: If you ask a yes or no question follow it with an open-ended question. Sometimes they’ll answer, sometimes they won’t but it primes them for discussions and sets the expectation.

2) Learn the flow/routine of the class. After a month or so of listening to him, I began to grasp the flow of the class., For example, I knew every morning they’d sit around the calendar and change it as a class, I knew the calendar (circle time) is where the kids were able to select their jobs, and where attendance was taken. This became the setup for learning his classmates’ names, what days they attended, what jobs he liked, and disliked, how often do they switch jobs, who picks the jobs, etc. Circle time allowed me to find out who he played with which leads to my next point.

3)Learn their friends: Learning your child’s friends is one thing, learning what they play together and why they’re friends is next-level parenting lol! Learning what they play(ed) together allowed me to better work through any SEL issues that may have arisen in class. For example, what if the said friend doesn’t want to play that day, how will he respond? Knowing what they play(ed) allowed me to role play and discuss with him before and even after it occurred. Knowing why they’re friends is also important, I think even more so if your child(ren) is at a diverse school. For instance, my child thought of himself as the only black boy in the class (there were 3 bi-racial kids but 3-4-year-olds don’t understand that). I wanted to know who he aligned himself with and why. Thankfully, oftentimes it was because of commonalities, but this will be extremely helpful later on.

4)Social Emotional Check-Ins: I learned this particular tip from our LCSW. Yes, we are doing family counseling but that’s a topic for another day:) Social Emotional check-ins are easy but random. They are as simple as “what made you happy today, what made you upset, what’s one thing you’d change.” That’s it! The conversation takes place from there, especially if you have a little chatterbox. I’d often end up sharing my responses because my son wanted to hear what I liked and disliked as well.

5) Give a potential schedule for the rest of the day: If I knew what was going to happen I’d let him know, such as ” we have swim class today, and afterward we will take a bath, eat dinner, read a story and go to bed. For my son, this sparked a million other comments ranging from ” I like this about swimming:, “can I have Inserts current favorite snack) after swim? ” which towel are we using, may I pick the towel”, “I don’t know what I want to read for bedtime”, etc. This allows him to know what to expect for the rest of the day but also leads to more conversation.

I’ll be honest, there are days when I don’t want to talk and neither does he. However, on those days I do a quick temperature check to make sure there is not an issue that I should know about which is causing him not to want to talk, or I tell him why I am upset and in a quiet mood. This teaches him that it is perfectly fine to have days where he doesn’t feel like sharing BUT it also reassures him that if at a later point he wants to talk he is free to do so. Conversing with kids is not easy, but it is an expectation that is worth setting with your children. You learn so much from and about them when they’re given the ability to conversate. Pleasant conversations also build confidence in your child that they can talk to you about anything, not just if or when something is wrong.

Discontentment

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Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been detailing my job dissatisfaction and the possibility of being laid off. I brushed over my emotions regarding the possible layoff but I never talked about my discontentment with the job prior to all of that happening. According to Merriam-Webster discontentment is defined as the lack of satisfaction with one’s status, possessions, or situation. For me, it wasn’t about status, but possessions and situation(s). I took this job a couple of years ago happy that I was moving from a contractor role to that of an employee. Employee status afforded me stability income-wise, and insurance which is a must for anyone with children. I’ve often said if it weren’t for my son I’d work as a contractor while improving upon and building my own business. Unfortunately, when he was born I was nowhere near where I needed to be financially in order to support a newborn as an entrepreneur, and shortly after that his other 23 chromosomes split so I got up and got back into the workforce. I did what needed to be done, and I don’t regret that. Back to why we’re here lol…

I knew what I was getting into when I took this job, I was getting into a remote position with limited opportunities for growth, with mediocre pay that would require a lot during busy season. I was fine with that because it got me out of the field during the height of the pandemic (first wave), allowed me to learn how to do contracts and other backend work that could help me move into a better position, and it gave me insurance. That’s why I took the job. I never intended to stay more than 2 years in the position. About 6 months into the position I learned I did NOT want the other job that I originally wanted to move into. From working as a partner with what I thought would be the “next move” for me I learned people in that role are beyond stressed and are not allowed to impose work-life boundaries on clients. As a single-parent I value boundaries and a work-life balance not having it is a no go for me. Seven to eight months into my current job I earned my highest take-home pay and was pissed because it was nowhere near enough. Nine months into my job I was told by a mortagator that I don’t make enough to buy a house where I wanted to live….like not even close to where I wanted to live. Basically, I could buy a house but it would not be in a good neighborhood. I’ve been in my feelings since then, real talk. How is it that I assist in the sale of homes on a daily basis (that’s my job), I work in real estate but I can’t afford to purchase a home for myself and my son?!?!? That was the end of the end for me, and I’ve been discontent since.

I stayed in the role reminding myself of the consolation prize, remote work, and the ability to be with my son. No matter how many times I reminded myself of that it wasn’t good enough. In hind sight I settled, I didn’t do myself any favors. Hell staying in the role caused more harm than good. Now, I will admit I have applied in spurts throughout the year and was even offered 2 positions with other companies, neither of which I accepted. After weighing the pros and cons, neither job was a step up for me. Both offers were lateral steps that didn’t offer enough money to leave the position I already had. Discontentment soured into apathy; apathy soured into disassociation; disassociation turned into loathsome. The latest possibility of being laid off is a bruise to my ego, for other reasons BUT it is also a sigh of relief. In some way, I feel like it’s God’s way of telling me a new job needs to be my central focus.

I don’t know what’s next, but I do know it felt good to get all of those emotions out. It feels good to have a focal point and to know what my negotiables and non-negotiables are in a job. Here’s to new beginnings!

Coming Soon…

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In my last blog I detailed how my current position is no longer working for my family. Crazy thing is I started that blog a little over three weeks ago and edited it numerous times. In my opinion, it never conveyed my true feelings. I think there were so many emotions mixed in the realization that I needed to actively search for a new job that I hadn’t sorted through them. It’s one thing to know you need a new job, it’s one thing to look for a job, and it’s an entirely different thing for both you and your company to realize your current job is a dead end for both parties. Both parties’ realization of the obvious is what I believe left me most baffled.

I’ve had summer jobs since I was twelve and I am more than 10 years into my post-undergrad work life. I’ve started and run a business (until the birth of my son), I experimented with the thought of starting a second but realized the idea was great but it wasn’t something I was passionate about. Needless to say, I’ve not ever been disciplined, laid off, or fired. Anytime I left a company it was on my own terms and always for growth. I am potentially (our company hasn’t announced it yet, but we all know it’s coming) in the next round of layoffs at our company and not too sure how I feel about it.

My ego feels mildly bruised for reasons I’ll detail in another blog, part of me wants to worry (I refuse), but once I get past all of that I am really at peace. As a single-parent it is ALWAYS easy to worry when finances are involved. You being to think about provisions, insurance, bills….all the bills lol! Yet, I am choosing not to go that route.

I’ve begun completing an average of 3-4 applications on a daily basis, I have a resume writer, and I’ve completed a few call screenings and interviews. Honestly, I was offered a job but I would’ve ended up losing money had I taken that position. The company was offering 5K more than what I make now, however, I would’ve needed to find before and after care for my child, increase my bi-weekly gas budget, add a lunch budget, and pay for my own license renewal….5K would’ve been easily lost. The company did not want to negotiate the pay even though my experience is exactly what they needed to build this position and department out so I turned it down. A win. I am also in the process of rebalancing my budget, there are things I can cut if I get laid off. I’ve looked into how long I can stay on unemployment, and I made a daily schedule…just in case. I am still applying for positions, but studying some things to assist in my pursuit of passive income. I am literally doing all that I can do.

I think it is important to have a plan and be ready to put it into action. I feel as though for the moment I’ve done all I can planning-wise. Actually, I think I’ve done all I can emotionally; after all, I’ve admitted how I feel about it and I’ve searched to figure out why I feel that way.

Aside from making sure I am not worrying, I’m honestly excited and relieved. I feel like the potential layoff gives me more time to apply for jobs, but also it gives me time to nurture my own pursuits, like my blog. All of this is preliminary, so I’ll have to keep you posted! If you’ve ever been in this position what did you do? What are some strategies you used to look for new employment but balance your pursuits? Comment below!

If I’m Being Honest

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If I’m being honest (and I am) I am beginning to have some concern for my son’s mental well-being during the pandemic. I’ll admit because he didn’t start the pandemic asking a million questions, or showing any real signs of fear I’d hoped we got through the rough period. Actually I’d hoped that he wouldn’t recognize the change and wouldn’t recognize things were different. I’d hoped he’d be able to get out of this without really knowing what happened. However, I was wrong. Delay is not definitive of denial and that was the case with my son. As time progressed, as our Stay at Home Order has been extended I’ve begun to notice things. I notice how some days he’s reluctant to go outside; yet other days he doesn’t want to go back in. I’ve noticed the excessive clinginess; the random crying outburst for no reason. I can see the fear and curiosity in his eyes when he sees everyone in masks. He’s realized he can ride to the store but no longer go in. He’s realized he no longer goes to daycare to see his teachers and friends. He’s realized we no longer go anywhere; the park; church; the mall; playdates; museums; kids shows; no more Mommy and me outings; no haircuts; none of it! And while I thought I’d escaped having to discuss this with him he wants to know why.

My personal parenting philosophy is to tell the truth, with very little sugar coating. For example stories are stories and lies are lies. Yes I shield his sense of imagination; and his feelings. I understand he has very little emotional capacity but I try to be as straightforward with him as possible. In this instance it’s too much! Yes, he deserves answers; he deserves to know what’s going on; he deserves to know why his routine has been interrupted but he also deserves to have his mental state protected. 

If I’m being honest I don’t know where to start. The Stay at Home Order is a must; our abiding by the Order is another must as it’s the best way to ensure our safety, but I’m not sure how to have this heavy conversation with him. If I’m being honest I don’t want to have this conversation with him. We literally just talked about his absent father and from what I can see he’s doing alright with that. Why must I burden a 2 year old with a pandemic as well?!? I want to protect him; his emotional capacity; his innocence. I just no longer think it’s possible. It hurts me that my young son has to bear so much unnecessary pain. Because of this I am concerned for his mental state. I’d already planned to get him a counselor once he got older to talk about and work through both the pain of not having his biological father around and the trauma of being a black boy in America. However that’s in the future, I need to help his mental state now. I’ve worked as hard as I can to keep him on his daycare schedule; we go outside as much as possible; we engage in cooking and art; we have movie nights every weekend; we have dance parties; I make sure he hears our virtual church services and Bible Studies. We get involved in the Kid’s Zoom Meet Up for church; he’s had a virtual Playdate; and I’m feverishly searching for a dog; he needs a companion. Yet, I can’t help feeling like a failure when he randomly bursts into tears; or when he gets scared because he sees a face covering. Is this really the world my child is going to grow up in?!? I can’t help but wonder how this will affect him mentally and emotionally. I also can’t help but wonder what more can I do to help him.

If I’m being honest I feel this will have a significant affect on all our children. Missed milestones such as graduations, proms and luncheons; canceled dances, sports, and arts; celebrating birthdays alone. While it’s all necessary it’s a lot to ask of our children. My heart goes out to them because I understand their sacrifices are robbing them of dreams and prolonging goals. Our villages (family, friends, parenting circles) are being stretched thin trying to make sure our babies know we understand and yet celebrate and commend them. It’s a lot!!! And while I’m being honest my heart especially goes out to my son’s half sister who is being robbed of her eighth grade luncheon and graduation. Should I care, absolutely not because of how her father disregards my son but do I care; yes, I’m a Mother. I wish (maybe too strong of a word but all I can think of right now) I could be apart of her new celebration of achievement; I’d just want to make it memorable for her but as it stands-that’s nowhere near an option. That’s not necessarily something I mourn but…I’m being honest(inserts shrug).

If I’m honest none of us want to raise broken children. I don’t want to raise a broken son; his mental and emotional health mean the world to me. But since I’m being honest this is too much for any of us😩

Son, I Too Have Asked “Where Is Your Daddy?”

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Another month in 2020, another month under a Stay at Home Order. t was my intention to release this blog last week but I spent my free time searching for a dog for my son. No such luck yet, but the rationale behind him getting a dog is an entirely different blog altogether. I’ve recently written a few blogs detailing how my son has been questioning and for as much as a toddler can- working through the answer to his burning question “where is my daddy?” This is something that I’ve continued to both pray on and blog about. I’ve gotten some good suggestions from you all and for that I thank you. This particular blog is going to take a different turn. It’s something I wrote to my son’s father on my son’s first birthday but never sent. When I found it in the notes section of my phone I debated writing it out and putting it away for my son to read at a much later age-not because I want him to hate his father but because I originally thought it would help if he saw that he wasn’t the only one with that question. As I sat reading the letter I decided against writing it out for my son to read; I feel it’s too emotional and I honestly don’t want him to combine my past pain with whatever pain he may be working through at that (future) stage of his life. I also flat out just don’t want my son to worry about me, that’s not his job. I have however decided to share the letter with my readers. I want people to know and “see” that healing is possible. Yes, healing hurts and it takes time but it’s worth it. I want people to understand I wasn’t always strong, or forgiving. I want whoever needs to hear this to know someone once walked in your shoes; felt your pain; and plans to make it to the other side. The other side being not only healing and forgiving my son’s father BUT also opening my heart to love again. You, too can do this. So here goes:

11/13/18 this day was so painful. It should’ve been very happy and honestly in spurts it was but as has been the last month, there were random periods of tears. Yup, our child’s first birthday and I cried….several times actually. The first time I cried was because I wanted to text you, well obviously that wasn’t an option but I realized the very reason I wanted to text, you honestly wouldn’t have been able to share with me. I wanted to reminisce, recall what was going on at certain points, reflect on how we felt or reacted to different events on the day I brought our son into the world. Slowly, I remembered you weren’t there. I couldn’t reminisce or recall with you; and there certainly could be no reflection because you weren’t there. Flashback to one year ago, I needed you so much that day. I needed you to hold my hand; to calm my nerves; to reassure me that everything was ok and I was doing a good job….cuz well I didn’t believe the nursing staff. I thought they kept telling me that just to keep me calm, to keep my blood pressure and heart rate down, to keep me from throwing up. I remember finally deciding to get the epidural after approximately 24 hours of labor with very little pain meds thinking “I don’t want this but if I end up having a c-section I also don’t wanna be knocked out and in recovery for 2 hours and not being able to hold my baby. My baby needs to feel one of his parents within the first few minutes of life…not after 2 hours.” I agreed, and in came the anesthesiologist explaining to me that I needed to be very still while he was placing the epidural in my back, even if I had a contraction I had to be still. If I moved I could risk him hitting a nerve and paralyzing me. Welp, the first time he tried I had one hell of a contraction, moved, screamed….he jumped and barely got the thing in. He took a step back, looked at it said it was terribly placed and he was gonna take that one out and reinsert it. Sir, I barely got through one attempt now you saying you wanna do it again? I guess the second time was a charm because he placed it perfectly and once it was in I immediately felt the medicine(sweet relief). 

After getting the epidural I remember falling asleep, finally some peace. I woke up  2-3 hours later, got rechecked, assured I’d finally made it to 9cm (because if they were wrong again I would’ve found the energy to scream at them) and being told “whatever you do don’t push; we’re gonna break everything down and set up for your son’s birth.” The. Longest. 30. Mins. Of. My. Life. I wanted to push so many times while they were setting up. It took forever, or so I thought. Finally, the doctor came over and asked if I was ready to deliver I told him no. 26.5 hrs later, the moment I’d been waiting on and I told him no. He asked me why not and I told him you weren’t there yet and you couldn’t miss it. He gave me an empathetic look, stared right into my eyes and told me it wasn’t like the ultrasound where they could keep playing around until you got there. This was different and the baby couldn’t wait. It was time and I had no other options. Fighting back tears I took a deep breath and said ok. Thus the delivery of our son began. 

For as terrible as labor was delivery was  surprisingly easy. It took us about 30 mins. I wore the oxygen mask between pushes to ensure my levels stayed high and that the baby was getting enough energy. It took around 7 pushes, no seriously it didn’t take much. Around the 4th push I looked over at my mom and asked where were you? I whinned about you missing it and her response was he’s probably with his daughter. I asked if you’d texted for an update and she said don’t worry keep pushing…..which meant no. Again, fighting back tears I kept pushing and a few minutes later the most beautiful baby I’ve ever laid eyes on was born. For the first time of many over the course of the last year I had to put my feelings aside and care for him. He made that easy, he immediately snuggled right under me once he was placed into my arms. Which, by the way took a little extra time as they originally didn’t like his heart rate. After a few minutes, his heart rate slowed to a pace they were comfortable with, they cleaned him, measured, weighed in and placed him in my arms. True love at first sight. Looking at him made me happy; holding him made me happy; him snuggling into my chest made me happy. And suddenly I felt too much joy to be sad. All I could do was wish you were there too. 


It dawned on me yesterday while reminiscing on the day our son was born that the day of his birthday was the second time I felt he and I weren’t a priority in your life; unfortunately it was the first time I felt you rejected us. Yesterday I realized I hadn’t forgiven you for not being there, but how could I? You were not there the day I needed you most. On top of that you never apologized for missing it. Ok so you started a new job that day, but you could’ve came back after work. You could’ve called and talked to me, hell you could’ve FaceTime-d me. I would’ve at least felt like you made an effort had any of that been done. Instead you did nothing, you didn’t even communicate to me that you weren’t coming back. Yea, that was the first instance of rejection and that realization triggered this particular burst of tears. That’s our son’s birth story, now you know how it went…and as a result why I cried. 

Absent Father Syndrome:

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Two-ish weeks ago I blogged about my son asking where is his father; I mentioned that his line of questioning tends to subside but not necessarily go away. While he’s currently not asking as much I am beginning to notice other effects of “where’s my daddy” syndrome. If you’ve read a few of my blogs, by now you know my son is a bit more observant than the normal two year old. I know that toddler’s super powers include sniffing out snacks, and asking questions but the level of questions mine asks….let’s just say he pays attention to everything. For example he’s already asking “why to everything”; or who; or any number of things he strings together; sometimes he even hits me with two questions at once. Like why does he already understand follow up questions?!? Any who, he’s extremely observant and this can be both a gift and a curse.

(In my opinion) there are a few things that make it a curse; one such trait is if he feels he knows a routine he won’t listen; he just keeps moving with what he thinks he knows then looks crazy when what he thinks should happen doesn’t. Another trait that makes him being extremely observant a curse is he watches intently then mimics what he sees. This is fine for positive behavior; learning manners and etiquette; washing hands; learning chores; etc but not the best thing when learning to groom. For example, there are two women in the house so at some point (even if we allow him to do something educational or watch tv JUST to keep him busy) he sees someone applying makeup. This is so irritating, as now he knows what makeup is and thinks it’s alright to play with the brushes. We explain to him that makeup brushes are NOT paint brushes and to put them down; and we also explain that makeup is something that women wear. We don’t admonish him; and we don’t berate him, we simply explain why makeup is used and whom it’s used by. I won’t necessarily say he gets it; but I know he hears us. We let him know that while women wear makeup men shave their faces. Then we find YouTube videos of black men shaving and show him. As of late I’ve also resorted to finding him a toy shaving kit. If anyone wants to purchase one for their son here’s my favorite ( https://www.lakeshorelearning.com/products/dramatic-play/dress-up-role-play/my-first-shaving-kit/p/PP889), problem is it’s sold out. The other toys I’ve found are a tad too old for him; and according to the reviews one is just not worth purchasing. I hope that once I get the shaving kit he can use that while we’re applying makeup or use it when we’re showing him videos of men shaving.

A second reason my son needs a male influence, he sees my heels and more often than not tries to put them on. They’re colorful and super cute so I understand why he’s attracted to them but this too has to be explained. Because there’s no male in the house for him to imitate he doesn’t see male shoes; or male clothes that aren’t his. To combat this issue when I’m out shopping I take him into the men’s section of the stores and let him pick out shoes he likes and then I slip his little feet into the shoes and let him stand and look in the mirror. We also go into the men’s clothing area and look around. I show him ties; dress shirts; hats(the bigger versions of what he wears now). We look at the mannequins and talk about how they’re dressed; what they have on. It’s still a lot though. This is not a constant thing as I’m not in the mall all the time and with “Shelter in Place” it’s going to be worse.

My child needs continuous male influence, he craves it; his behavior says so. Sure I can teach him to be a kind; smart; caring human but, I can’t teach him how to be a man. And if I’m being extremely honest I didn’t expect him to need to learn how to be a man so soon. I’m not quite sure what I was thinking; or if I thought about it at such a young age. What I do know is I have to make further adjustments; I have to figure out how to keep male behaviors in front of him so he knows and understands what to do.

From a woman’s perspective I need to hurry up and get married-lolbvs! However I’m not going to rush that. I refuse to settle or end up with someone who is TERRIBLE for both of us just because I was anxious to get a male in front of him. A terrible male influence can be worse than no male influence at all. Yet, I also don’t want to put him with my male friends too much and have him get the wrong understanding of the situation. It’s honestly a tough place to be in.