Tag Archives: black boy mom

Morning Routine

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If you read The Way You Start Your Day Dictates the Directionality then you know I am a huge fan of morning routines for myself and my son. While my morning routine is a bit more relaxed, his is not. We literally do the same things every morning. We’ve had the same core items since my son was about two, of course, we’ve added and subtracted things over the last few years and there’s room to edit what works and doesn’t as he continues to grow BUT he knows his basics are always there. It is important to create routines for children for several reasons. One such reason routines are important for children is knowing what’s about to happen gives children a sense of security. Other reasons routines are important for children are: routines set expectations, routines help children learn about schedules, they allow children to be independent (within the bounds of your routine), routines establish healthy habits, and routines create a calmer environment. Children and routines go hand in hand; as the parent routines make your life a little easier.

Once my son gets up it is easy to forget any and everything, hence the reason I need to get up before him and the reason he needs a routine. I learned during his daycare days that homeboy will wake up in one of three different moods: happy, playful, or pissed. The amount of sleep he got nor the way in which I wake him up can change this. In fact, he’s so much of a drama king if he wakes up happy or playful he will still find a way to waste thirty minutes. Because of this, I wake him up thirty minutes earlier than necessary to ensure no matter his antics we get to school on time.

I wake him up with a song or two, a hug, and, a kiss. He ain’t getting full ballards lol, but something simple. If there is a song he likes from chapel the prior week I’ll sing that. Other times he gets a good morning song of some sort. After his song, he goes to the bathroom, changes his calendar, and comes to the table for vitamins, and to pack his lunchbox. I tend to pack the entree and water while he packs snacks. more times than not I am also cooking his breakfast while we’re working on his lunch. When breakfast is ready he eats, puts his lunchbox in his book bag, and goes to get dressed.

Hygiene takes at least 20 mins. He’s a little kid so you’d think it wouldn’t take that long but NOPE!!! I let him perform the task (insert brush teeth, wash face, brush hair, etc) then I go behind him and do it. I personally would love to move these teachable moments to bedtime only but he won’t hear of it. It takes a bit longer for both of us to perform each task but it gets done, I know he’s clean, and it cuts down on reasons for us to fight. I hate compromising with him in the morning but my peace and getting out of the door is more important so it is what it is.

In my opinion, this part of our morning routine is a lot like everyone else’s- getting ready lol! The differentiation in our routine mainly takes place in the truck on the way to school….and you” read all about that in the next blog! For now stay tuned and please share what you and your littles do in the comment section. Also, feel free to any routine- making and/or timesaving tips below as well!

Tips for Convos With Your Younger Child(ren)-Back to School Edition

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So……. during my son’s first formal year of school, a lot of the parents were extremely shocked I knew what was going on inside of the classroom. Like I knew all the PK tea lol!! I’d often get asked how I knew what was going on and to a lot of parents’ surprise my answer was always “my son told me.” In return I’d hear a lot “my child doesn’t tell me anything, how do you do that?’ I decided this school year I’d share some of my tips for getting your little ones to open up about school. Remember, my little one is preschool aged, not sure if these tips would work for older children, but I do know if you get them talking while they’re young it is much easier to talk to them as they continue to grow. Here goes:

1)Know their calendar/schedule. My son’s teacher sent weekly calendars. I knew what books would be read, what day specials were, birthdays, etc. The calendar gave me a framework for questions such as “how was music today”, “did you hear any good stories at library?” “What was your favorite part of the story?” “How was recess, was it indoors or outdoors?” “Who’d you sit with?’ Pro Tip: If you ask a yes or no question follow it with an open-ended question. Sometimes they’ll answer, sometimes they won’t but it primes them for discussions and sets the expectation.

2) Learn the flow/routine of the class. After a month or so of listening to him, I began to grasp the flow of the class., For example, I knew every morning they’d sit around the calendar and change it as a class, I knew the calendar (circle time) is where the kids were able to select their jobs, and where attendance was taken. This became the setup for learning his classmates’ names, what days they attended, what jobs he liked, and disliked, how often do they switch jobs, who picks the jobs, etc. Circle time allowed me to find out who he played with which leads to my next point.

3)Learn their friends: Learning your child’s friends is one thing, learning what they play together and why they’re friends is next-level parenting lol! Learning what they play(ed) together allowed me to better work through any SEL issues that may have arisen in class. For example, what if the said friend doesn’t want to play that day, how will he respond? Knowing what they play(ed) allowed me to role play and discuss with him before and even after it occurred. Knowing why they’re friends is also important, I think even more so if your child(ren) is at a diverse school. For instance, my child thought of himself as the only black boy in the class (there were 3 bi-racial kids but 3-4-year-olds don’t understand that). I wanted to know who he aligned himself with and why. Thankfully, oftentimes it was because of commonalities, but this will be extremely helpful later on.

4)Social Emotional Check-Ins: I learned this particular tip from our LCSW. Yes, we are doing family counseling but that’s a topic for another day:) Social Emotional check-ins are easy but random. They are as simple as “what made you happy today, what made you upset, what’s one thing you’d change.” That’s it! The conversation takes place from there, especially if you have a little chatterbox. I’d often end up sharing my responses because my son wanted to hear what I liked and disliked as well.

5) Give a potential schedule for the rest of the day: If I knew what was going to happen I’d let him know, such as ” we have swim class today, and afterward we will take a bath, eat dinner, read a story and go to bed. For my son, this sparked a million other comments ranging from ” I like this about swimming:, “can I have Inserts current favorite snack) after swim? ” which towel are we using, may I pick the towel”, “I don’t know what I want to read for bedtime”, etc. This allows him to know what to expect for the rest of the day but also leads to more conversation.

I’ll be honest, there are days when I don’t want to talk and neither does he. However, on those days I do a quick temperature check to make sure there is not an issue that I should know about which is causing him not to want to talk, or I tell him why I am upset and in a quiet mood. This teaches him that it is perfectly fine to have days where he doesn’t feel like sharing BUT it also reassures him that if at a later point he wants to talk he is free to do so. Conversing with kids is not easy, but it is an expectation that is worth setting with your children. You learn so much from and about them when they’re given the ability to conversate. Pleasant conversations also build confidence in your child that they can talk to you about anything, not just if or when something is wrong.

Coming Soon…

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In my last blog I detailed how my current position is no longer working for my family. Crazy thing is I started that blog a little over three weeks ago and edited it numerous times. In my opinion, it never conveyed my true feelings. I think there were so many emotions mixed in the realization that I needed to actively search for a new job that I hadn’t sorted through them. It’s one thing to know you need a new job, it’s one thing to look for a job, and it’s an entirely different thing for both you and your company to realize your current job is a dead end for both parties. Both parties’ realization of the obvious is what I believe left me most baffled.

I’ve had summer jobs since I was twelve and I am more than 10 years into my post-undergrad work life. I’ve started and run a business (until the birth of my son), I experimented with the thought of starting a second but realized the idea was great but it wasn’t something I was passionate about. Needless to say, I’ve not ever been disciplined, laid off, or fired. Anytime I left a company it was on my own terms and always for growth. I am potentially (our company hasn’t announced it yet, but we all know it’s coming) in the next round of layoffs at our company and not too sure how I feel about it.

My ego feels mildly bruised for reasons I’ll detail in another blog, part of me wants to worry (I refuse), but once I get past all of that I am really at peace. As a single-parent it is ALWAYS easy to worry when finances are involved. You being to think about provisions, insurance, bills….all the bills lol! Yet, I am choosing not to go that route.

I’ve begun completing an average of 3-4 applications on a daily basis, I have a resume writer, and I’ve completed a few call screenings and interviews. Honestly, I was offered a job but I would’ve ended up losing money had I taken that position. The company was offering 5K more than what I make now, however, I would’ve needed to find before and after care for my child, increase my bi-weekly gas budget, add a lunch budget, and pay for my own license renewal….5K would’ve been easily lost. The company did not want to negotiate the pay even though my experience is exactly what they needed to build this position and department out so I turned it down. A win. I am also in the process of rebalancing my budget, there are things I can cut if I get laid off. I’ve looked into how long I can stay on unemployment, and I made a daily schedule…just in case. I am still applying for positions, but studying some things to assist in my pursuit of passive income. I am literally doing all that I can do.

I think it is important to have a plan and be ready to put it into action. I feel as though for the moment I’ve done all I can planning-wise. Actually, I think I’ve done all I can emotionally; after all, I’ve admitted how I feel about it and I’ve searched to figure out why I feel that way.

Aside from making sure I am not worrying, I’m honestly excited and relieved. I feel like the potential layoff gives me more time to apply for jobs, but also it gives me time to nurture my own pursuits, like my blog. All of this is preliminary, so I’ll have to keep you posted! If you’ve ever been in this position what did you do? What are some strategies you used to look for new employment but balance your pursuits? Comment below!

Daycare or Nah?

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Due to the interesting circumstances in which my son was born I decided to stay home with him as long as possible in efforts to get to know him; bond with him; and settle into my new role as mommy(remind me to one day write about how I found out I was pregnant). I closed down my fitness business, for me it was impossible to run a second year start up business; work my part time fitness job; continue to take care of my mom(at the time she was just finishing her second battle with breast cancer); and raise this little boy. Looking at that collection of issues closing my business was an easy decision. I kept my part time fitness job, I taught two forty-five minute classes each week; and I continued coping with my mom and raising my child.

The part time job in itself was hell on wheels. While it was only two forty-five minute classes twice a week, those classes were early morning classes. I’d get very little sleep with a newborn and then wake up and got teach only to come back home more exhausted to a wide awake baby and have to go through our day until he finally took a nap. The part time job kept some money coming in; but not enough. Around the beginning of summer my savings began dwindling and I decided it was time to begin applying for jobs. Coupled with the idea of getting a job was the thought I’d need to place my son in daycare…..and honestly this was the hard part.

There was so much guilt surrounding the thought of putting him in daycare. Would they treat him right? Would he receive the care he needed? Will I miss his first steps? Would he like it? How would he feel going from spending all day everyday with his mommy to spending eight hours a day with a stranger? Would he think I don’t love him anymore? Would he feel neglected? Would I be able to continue nursing him? Would the daycare care center follow the dietary restrictions I’d set for him? So many questions; so many uneasy feelings; and so many tears. All of this happened before I began looking for daycare centers.

After talking to a few of my mom friends I was convinced of two things: one, everything I felt was normal; and two, I needed to take the home daycare route. Home daycare is smaller so the kids tend to get the care and attention they need. The child adjusts easier

Where’s My Daddy?

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I decided to take a break from logging my homeschool experience to write about another incident that peaked about a week or so ago. Obviously you know where this is going because of the title so allow me to build the excitement a bit. One of the questions I knew I’d eventually have to answer is “where’s my father?” Because of the pain of rejection associated with the question I’d always hoped I was engaged or married when my son asked this; but I also hoped he wouldn’t ask before maybe four or five years of age. Engaged and or married to my son’s “new” father was optimal as it allowed me and my husband to jointly explain that his biological father chose to leave however his “new” father made a much tougher decision by choosing to love him. We’d explain how choosing to actively love; raise; and be in his life was a positive choice and it was one that everyone could be happy and at peace with. He’d understand both the power of choices AND the power of love. Older, allowed my son to better communicate his potential pain; questions; anger; any emotion he felt. Older allowed me/us to understand what he was feeling, and even if he tried to hide it we’d be able to figure it out based on his actions.

I prayed to God that I’d be engaged or married AND that my son would be older when he asked about his father; however neither was the case. My son initially asked about his father in November of 2019. He’d just turned two and in my mind this was much too heavy a topic for a two year old to discuss. Attempting to spare his feelings I ignored his question; needless to say that didn’t work long. He began frequently asking in which case I answered “I don’t know.” Again, a short, quick answer in attempt to avoid a conversation. Extremely uncomfortable with him asking about his dad I talked to his godfather and asked him to spend a little more time with him and to try to make it to his Christmas play (I was almost certain my son realized the other children’s fathers were at the Thanksgiving Play but not his). I also explained the situation to my mom and my son’s two godmothers and asked the three of them to stand in prayer with me for how to deal with the situation. After about one month my son stopped asking about his father. Thank GOD!!!! Thinking we were passed the situation I totally stopped praying about it and I subsequently told my mom and his godparents that he’d stop asking.

My relief was short lived; in February of this year (2020) my son started the “where’s my daddy” question again. In fact in my opinion it had gotten worse because now not only was he asking where his father was but if he saw a man (and I do mean any random man) he’d ask “is that my daddy” or shout “Daddy!” I wasn’t necessarily embarrassed by him calling other random men “Daddy” which is a first(but I believe I wasn’t embarrassed because they couldn’t hear him). I would however explain to my son the man in question wasn’t his father and I don’t know where his father is. Shocked and somewhat irritated at this question’s continuous re occurrence I again told my mother and his godparents. In separate conversations we all agreed there was no point in contacting his father, after all he did walkout on him. What was contacting him going to accomplish? We began praying about the situation again, but I took it a step further and asked one of his godmothers who is divorced how would she deal with it if we were in this situation with one of her children. Her answer wasn’t necessarily one I agreed with nor wanted to hear; she said she’d tell them the truth. I quickly disputed her answer saying it was different because her children were older. She responded with “that may be true but even if they were his age I’d tell them the truth…they deserve to know.” As much as I hated to admit she was right, he did deserve to know but why so soon? Was that really the only way to handle this?

A couple of weeks after this conversation with his divorced godmother my son threw one of his grand tantrums. He was kicking; screaming no; pushing off; just full blown shenanigans all because he couldn’t get his way. Somewhere in the conversation I told him that his current behavior was making it really hard to enjoy him and want to do things with him; and that was a huge problem for him as I was the only parent he had. I could see the intrigue on his face so I explained-he’d been asking about his father and the truth is he doesn’t have an earthly father. He has a Heavenly Father, one who loves him dearly; and He hadn’t sent him an earthly father yet. One day He will but until then all he (my son) has is his Heavenly Father and me. We’re a team and we have to work together and have one another’s back.

My son was heartbroken at hearing he didn’t have an earthly father. I had to remind him that I loved him and would always be here for him. His tantrum subsided but now he was sad. While I was hurt by his sadness and heart brokenness so early in life I was relieved it was out. He knew the truth but he was also reassured; and it was in the softest most truthful way I could imagine telling him. Because he’s too young to remember our talk he still randomly asks. I remind him of our talk and tell him to keep praying for an earthly father. This has been extremely difficult. I believe more than anything it was the one part of single parenting that I didn’t want to deal with. Yet it was unavoidable so it was equally important to deal with my own pain in order to be able to help him deal with his. It’s not over by far but the saving grace is I worked through my own healing therefore I can focus on his.

I wish this was avoidable; I wish it would’ve gone the way I wanted it to but for some reason it didn’t. I honestly don’t have time to dwell on the issue nor do I have time to sit and pout. All I can do at this point is attempt to keep him around positive male influences; and continue praying for the right person to come into our lives. If you have any suggestions or you’ve been through this and handled it in a different and successful way please feel free to comment below.

The Underestimation of Homeschooling

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Much like most of America last week was the first week of me homeschooling my son. It wasn’t disastrous but I feel as though it could’ve went a lot smoother. I won’t lie I thought because he stays home with me two days a week that homeschooling wouldn’t be too much different; I severely underestimated. The problem is he’s accustomed to his normal schedule where the days he stays home with me are surrounded by days he goes to daycare. When he saw he was spending every waking moment with me he thought he could be spoiled and get his way….while I had other things in mind. This weekend I decided to take a hard look at where there was room for improvement and take it from there. 

1)My approach: I wasn’t taking homeschooling as “school” I was still in daycare mode. If he’s expected  to take me seriously as his teacher I had to take it seriously as well. With this new found perspective I immediately saw my flaws

2)Plan: unlike our daycare days I couldn’t rely on Pearachute; or a playdate with a friend. I couldn’t rely on running errands; visits with my elderly family members or even his favorite television shows to fill the hours between nap time. I needed a plan or else I was going to fail my son. However I couldn’t write a plan without setting some reasonable expectations for both of us as well as setting goals for the next month( I just want to be prepared) with weekly objectives to help us reach our goals. I also wrote a quick mission statement. 

Mission: I intend to use social distancing to enhance my child’s socioemotional understanding by helping him to de escalate  his tantrums; communicate why he’s frustrated (verbally/non verbally); and accept no (from my mom and I) more willingly. I also plan to use this time to further his counting skills; reinforcing the alphabet; adding more colors to his knowledge. Finally I plan to improve his motor skills through arts and craft, baking, and physical activities. 

Am I doing the absolute most?!? Yes, but can we do it; also yes. It sounds wordy but essentially I’m not trying to raise Einstein lol, I just want to continue building on what he’s learned and make sure he’s kindergarten ready when the time comes. My mission statement carefully lists all of my goals. Each of the goals is broken into weekly learning objectives. These objectives are what enabled me to write weekly lesson plans. Now I know what I’m doing, when, and how I’m doing things. This gives me a much clearer picture and allows me to prepare before each day. I anticipate the daily prep work will make our transitions smoother. 

Do I think things will always go smoothly because I wrote out plans?!? God, no! I do however feel the plans will decrease my frustration level with homeschooling and possibly enhance my productivity in other areas. 

3)Dressing the Part: I work from home, and I’ve done so for a long time. In fact before my son was born I started and ran a small business from my house. Because of this I am very well able to work in my pajamas and still be productive. My mindset doesn’t change according to my outfit as long as I know there is work to do with a goal in mind. Unfortunately my toddler doesn’t quite understand that. It’s no wonder then why he thought watching PBS all morning was an option. He was still in his pajamas!!! Clean, bathed but we weren’t going anywhere so pajamas it was. If homeschooling is going to work I’ll have to change him into school clothes. For that matter I’ll also need to change(leggings and a hoodie will do). I need to preserve as much of his normal routine as possible, and that’s where I failed last week. 

4)Regular Schedule: speaking of routines and normalcy that includes work, specialties and most importantly snacks. For example I know at daycare he has Music class on Mondays and Show and Tell on Wednesdays. I also know his snack, meal, and nap times. I need to follow those times as much as possible if I want homeschooling to be successful. 

5)Expectations: I mentioned this earlier but didn’t go in depth with it. While the expectations are more for me some of them are for him as well. Do I expect him to be able to count to 50 by the end of the month; no. I do however expect him to be engaged; be involved; listen; and at least make attempts. I do and will talk to him about what’s expected of him because it matters. 

6)Communicate: I admit in the hustle and bustle of everything I didn’t actually talk to him about what’s going on. When the week started my son was kept home because he had a cold. I had to nurse and take care of him so it’s a lot harder to communicate the larger scale of everything else when the main concern at that point was him. Now that he’s feeling better and it’s the start of a new week I need to sit him down and have the COVID-19 discussion with him.

7)Be patient and give yourself and your child(ren) grace: This is a brand new situation, one in which many of us are still adjusting to. Even if you made great adjustments last week this week may be about improvement and fine tuning. As parents that just how we operate. While yes you want to use the time you’re spending with your family wisely, it’s important to remember everyone is doing the best they can, and that includes you. Yes, enjoy your family but also remember to take some time for yourself. It can be quite daunting realizing you can’t escape the madness that is your family lolbvs! Slow down, pray, recharge, and then go handle it!! 

In closing I hope this blog helps you prepare to homeschool your children. It’s not fool proof but maybe some of my ideas can assist you and help you come up with things of your own! There are so many free virtual resources available right now. Tune into those, they’re extremely helpful. 

You got this! 

From Tantrums to Teachable Moments

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Prayer WORKS!!!!!!!!!! Lolbs!! If you read Toddlers -N-Tantrums: Return to Sender(https://chroniclesofasinglemom.home.blog/2020/03/04/toddlers-n-tantrums/) you know I was absolutely OVER my child’s behavior. The thing about being a parent is you can’t give up; no matter how hard it gets; no matter how tired or frustrated you are; and no matter how over it you are…..you have to take a break regroup and keep going. So in true parenting fashion I put my son to bed forty-five minutes early; had another cup of coffee; and took a long hot bath to regroup. I felt so much better afterwards. I was undoubtedly more relaxed; able to think; but most importantly able to keep my mind off him. I had a few good laughs with my girls via text, and off to bed I went.

The next day my son woke up bright and early (much earlier than I would’ve liked) and again about ten minutes after waking up he threw a fit. Why?!?!? Only God in heaven knows. I ignored him, gave him breakfast and commenced to getting his clothes ready for daycare. Per usual I gave him advanced notice that we were going to transition from watching television and snacking to getting ready for school, then gave him the five minute warning, and then started getting him ready. On cue he begins his fit “NO, NO, NO” while screaming, kicking, and trying to wiggle out of my hug. My mom came over for reinforcements and attempted to put his socks on while I washed his face and oiled it and he kicked at her. I sat him up and talked to him about kicking while continuing to dress him and in the midst of his tantrum it clicked!!!!! His tantrums were reminiscent of a child with autism and he’d been watching, and displaying those signs of a meltdown. It’s officially been revealed why his tantrums have gotten worse, thanks God! Now for the fun part….teaching

Once it clicked I immediately knew where my child picked up said behavior: daycare. There’s a little autistic dude at the home daycare and my son frequently plays with him. Like all parents I’m protective of my son including his surroundings and friends. After realizing where my son picked up this behavior my immediate first thought was “he has to stop playing with that kid.” Instantly I knew that was wrong and certainly not the way this situation should be handled. If he’s playing with the child that’s a great thing and a huge parenting win. Him playing with the little boy shows compassion, and kindness two characteristics I’ve worked hard to teach; what I didn’t want was him imitating the behavior and that’s what needed to be separated. As it turns out God answered that for me as well. I looked at my son and told him he’s a leader not a follower; we don’t imitate bad behavior; reminded him he knows the difference between right and wrong; and that he we don’t go through his morning affirmations for nothing; but most importantly I told him I knew where the behavior came from and that while I didn’t approve of his behavior I was proud of him for being a good friend. As a toddler he’s more than likely too young to understand autism but I explained that sometimes people learn differently and can’t communicate their needs and desires which can trigger fierce tantrums/meltdowns. I explained his ability to communicate most of his needs and desires and so tantrums are disappointing. He said he understood and he immediately changed his behavior. For the first time in two weeks he wasn’t outright defiant, disobedient and in his case unbearable.

This won’t be the last time we have a conversation about his behavior; imitating others; and even diverse learners. And much like today he may or may not understand everything I’m saying. In preparation I’m going to find episodes of Sesame Street with the Julia Muppet and teach/reinforce that way.

I’m also proud of myself for recognizing the teachable moment when it arose and for attempting to handle it in a positive way. Had I stuck with my initial reaction I could’ve indirectly erased everything I’ve worked to teach my son about compassion, friendship, and being nice. My negative example would’ve been a lot to overcome. Instead (and most definitely because I prayed first) I was able to view the moment for what it was and use it to both praise and teach my son. We teach our children who we want them to become by what we model.

This two week build up has been extremely exhausting but in some weird way that only makes sense in parenting….it was worth it. I got to see a side of my child that I’m really proud of(his compassion); I got to see characteristics that will make him a great man (grit, determination, focus); but now I also have the opportunity to teach him and train him in real time about “different people” and how to help and be a friend to them while continuing to be himself.

Toddlers -N- Tantrums: Return to Sender

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I’ve never been one to bash any mother’s style. I’ve been a stay at home mom; a working mom and now a work from home mom so I understand the nuisances of each situation. No matter what type of mom you are you’re an amazing mom and only you know what’s best for your family. Do NOT let anyone guilt you over your decisions. Right now I want to send a special shout out to all the stay at home moms of toddlers!!!! Jesus Christ, I have no clue how you all do it! In my book you have the patience of saints because all the random tantrums of the day…..I just can’t lolbvvs!!!!


I work from home two days out of the work week(weekends not included) and my son stays home with me on those days. Today was one of our days together and I had it all planned out. We’d get up at our normal time and head to one of the Children’s museums in the area for a fun day then come home for lunch and a nap; I even found a coupon for discounted entrance. I woke up packed his snacks; got breakfast going; everything was going according to my schedule. Apparently he had other plans because ten minutes after waking up he threw the tantrum of life. Alright, one pre-breakfast tantrum I can manage; sure I think it’s too early for this; of course I have no clue what triggered him but you know what?!? Head down and keep it moving….or at least that’s what I thought. About an hour later he threw a second tantrum (at least this time I knew why) and this one lasted one hour. Yes, you read that right it lasted one full hour of screaming “no, no”; kicking; falling out; thrashing; and flailing. I walked away from him and went to another part of the house, he brought his tantrum to me. I was beyond disappointed in his actions and decisions, not to mention he completely threw off our schedule. More than that I was embarrassed…..thoroughly embarrassed…and we hadn’t even left the house yet.

At that moment I decided a thirty-five to forty-five minute drive to a museum was out of the question. Honestly, at that moment I decided we weren’t going anywhere at all. There was no way I was taking him out of the house for him to act like that in front of people. After he finally pulled himself together I talked to him about why his behavior was inappropriate and how he could’ve hurt himself. Per usual he told me he understood. I then allowed him to watch Sesame Street while I attempted to get ready. He was so calm watching Sesame Street that I debated interrupting him just to run errands. Somewhere in there I decided we’d get out of the house by running errands and instead of the museum he’d have to settle for the park. I managed to get dressed; we got out of the house; and ran all errands with NO tantrums.

Moms, I almost lost my sanity today. His tantrums were so off the chart I almost dropped him off at daycare so I could collect myself. I certainly didn’t want to leave the house. Not leaving the house or at least not wanting to leave the house with him is becoming a reoccurring theme. Over the last two weeks his tantrums have become worse. At this point if you tell him “no” he runs into a corner screaming and acts as if you just told him you were taking all his toys away. Along with the screaming, he’s now thrashing, throwing things, kicking the bed just to much worse than what they normally were. The only thing I’m happy about is he’s not volatile to the point where he will hurt others while at the climax of his tantrums. He doesn’t listen if you tell him to stop because he’ll hurt someone else BUT he does listen if you tell him he’s going to hurt someone else. Bright spot I guess….

While tantrums are a normal part of toddlerhood they’re quickly becoming something that needs to cease. It’s extremely common for parents to feel embarrassed by their children’s tantrums and to my knowledge (I’m a first time mom so that knowledge is limited) society is just now empathizing with moms. While moms deserve the empathy unfortunately all moms/parents/guardians don’t receive said empathy. It was just a few weeks ago when video circulated social media about a young girl in Florida no older than the first grade who was arrested and booked by the police for throwing a tantrum at school(https://youtu.be/MSvWz6t3tfs). Her guardian wasn’t called until after the little girl was booked. Both the school district, and the criminal justice system failed this young girl and her family, but that’s another story altogether. With that type of repercussion there’s no way I can feel comfortable “just letting him outgrow this phase.” Again, I hate to bring race into my parenting blogs but in this instance it totally matters. My little black boy could very well go to jail for throwing a tantrum at school…which means there’s no room to allow him to outgrow this phase.

Since the beginning of his tantrum phase I’ve researched various ways to help him (and subsequently me) get through this. We need to learn self regulation as soon as possible. Here’s what I’ve read; tried; and why it’s failed (insert deep sigh)…

1)No Two Kids are alike: Of all the material I’ve read about toddlers, tantrums, and how to deal with them….none of this has worked me lolbs! Avoid tantrums by keeping the kids fed and full(more or less). This one doesn’t work for us because there are times where my son refuses to eat (toddlerhood) and well he fights a heavyweight battle to keep from going to bed every night. Yet, all the literature I’ve read suggests if you avoid your child being overly hungry or overly stimulated you should in theory be able to avoid a tantrum.

2) Time Outs May or May NOT Work: Not going to lie the leading literature suggests when placing a child in time out to use the one minute per year of age. For example, my son is 2 so 2 minutes should suffice. Well his daycare uses 5 minutes for all the preschoolers and that works there. He’s accustomed to it so there was no point in changing it. We use the same time out terminology and timeframe at home. Some days timeout works, other days not so much. Lately time out isn’t working at all. You can place him in time out, explain why he was in timeout and discuss better choices when he’s done but he comes out and does whatever he shouldn’t do all over again.

3)Ignoring my son NEVER works: You know how some articles say if you give the kid attention while throwing the tantrum that only gives them more ammunition to continue with the tantrum…well ignoring my son doesn’t work either. I happily go to another room (close by so I can monitor his tantrum) while he’s throwing said tantrum and he brings the tantrum to me. KID. YOU. NOT. if I wasn’t so frustrated right now it would actually be funny.

4)Redirection: To be very honest, when he’s older and knows when and when not to be persistent I will really appreciate his tenacity, and persistence. All that to say my son doesn’t quit; if he wants something he wants it and there is no amount of redirection that will change his mind. He’s quite the determined little person, so strong willed and focused. Again, I’ll love all of these characteristics in a few years but not at two.

5)Prayer: no article talks about this one, it’s my own little caveat. Some days we see a change in behavior when it happens…..other days it keeps me just barely patient enough to get to nap time without flipping out(inserts shrug).

In closing as you can see this was a bit of a rant blog(sorry), but I think it’ll spark a mini series on toddler discipline. I’m super curious to open discussions on how parents deal with things and see how parents feel about about societal norms, and “new school” discipline. As you can see I’m so lost(lol)!!! As for these tantrums-I have no idea how to get him through this phase. None of my research is helping; and honestly his tantrums have only gotten worse. Fellow parents, I need some help!!! What do you guys do? What have you done?!? I’m so far PAST over this. Please feel free to leave your comments in the comment section, help a Mama out!!

The Downfalls of Single Parenting: Passport Edition Part 2

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Ok; Ok; Ok it’s been over a month since I started writing this mini series: life happened. I ended up writing about some other things that occurred that I wanted to get off my chest; wrote a Valentine’s Day letter to my son; got sick as a dog and for a good two weeks couldn’t write period but I’m back and ready to wrap this series. Besides I’m sure you all want to know what I found out or decided to do.

I put my research skills to use and found not one but two different forms offered by the government for single parents of children wishing to get passports for their children. The first form is a Statement of Consent from the non-applying parent. Essentially you need the other parent to sign this form and have it notarized, then simply take it with you on the day you and your child go apply. For most co-parenting situations this form is probably ideal, unfortunately it wasn’t good enough for my situation. Sure I can suddenly call this dude and tell him I’m emailing or mailing this form to him and ask him to send it back signed and notarized but if we’re not communicating this isn’t an option. …back to researching.

There is indeed a second form and this one is perfect for my situation, it’s called the Exigent/Special Family Circumstances. Now I wish I could say its super easy to use this form but based on what I’ve read it’s not. You have to prove the person is non-responsive and you need to prove why the passport needs to be expedited. I honestly won’t try to go into too much details about this form because I don’t want to mislead anyone. Instead, if this form appeals to your situation please follow this link https://www.us-passport-service-guide.com/get-a-passport-for-a-child-under-exigent-special-family-circumstances.html

In closing, the aforementioned link will provide so much information in regards to obtaining a passport for a minor. Unfortunately it is a LOT harder for us single parents but I’m determined not to allow that to stop me from providing my child with life changing experiences. I don’t have all the answers to this issue, but I do encourage you not to be discouraged if you’re having a rough time. If you’ve already obtained your child’s passport please comment and let the rest of us know what you did. Let’s all help one another.

Growth(ish) Part 2: Real Recognize Real

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In Growth(ish) Part 1 I detailed an account of how and why I decided to skip out on a friend’s birthday party. I was really proud of myself because I could totally see the growth in my decision making process but also the growth in my comfort and acceptance of my single parent situation. Of course this means I was tested(deep sigh). It wasn’t the hardest of situations but it certainly forced me to come to grips with some things and acknowledge my feelings. Here goes…..

Quick background of that story I was invited to a party of a mutual friend of mine and my son’s father. After waiting to see if my son’s father would attend I decided not to go. It was just best for me to avoid him ESPECIALLY since he was bringing a plus one AND our mutual friend has no clue about the situation between us. Now that you’re all caught up that party took place on February 8th…..but on February 7th boy did I have the shock of a lifetime!!! My son and I were attending one of his toddler playpals’ 2nd birthday party in the south suburbs. Now you all don’t know this because I seldomly voice it but I attempt to stay away from the south side of the city, more specifically places I know my child’s father frequents. Yup, this extra huge city with over 3 million people and I tend to avoid one part of the city all to steer clear of one person…that’s an entirely different story. Any who, this was the south suburbs and at a children’s play venue…..not that I actually worried or previously thought about it but very low chance of running into that man.

My son and I are enjoying the party, the parents, the other little boys, the food (lol) and then it happened……while on the obstacle course I SWORE I saw my child’s father, and the infuriating part was he was with another child!!!!! Now, if it’s one thing I’m glad about it’s that I’ve learned to investigate before acting. Blood boiling, I quickly told my son “let’s go the other way around”, I needed to observe this man without being creepy. While on the other side of the obstacle course I watched the guy’s movements; motions; looked at his build and demeanor again; eyed the child trying to figure out where in the san-blue hell a 6-8 year old girl I knew nothing about could or would’ve come from. I contemplated how to approach him if it were actually my son’s father…..all of that occurred in less than three minutes, kid you not lol(women are great private detectives when necessary). You know what? I did all of that and it wasn’t even him!!!!! My brain, my emotions, everything was able to relax again. I was thoroughly embarrassed but able to play it off because no one knew what was going on. My son and I continued to enjoy the party and left at the end with no one, including the other guy having any idea of what transpired.

Even though I was able to save face, this occurrence really forced me to reflect on myself. Had I really healed? Was I truly over this guy? Why did the thought of him set me on edge? I realized it wasn’t the thought of seeing him that put me over the edge. I saw with my own two eyes that he was bringing someone else to a party and that didn’t affect me emotionally. I didn’t want him back; and I really have made strides in my healing. There was only one other time I got pissed at the thought of seeing him, and that too was a day I thought I saw him with another kid. That’s when I realized it wasn’t the thought of seeing him that upset me, it was the thought of him taking care of or spending time with another child that boiled my blood.

In that moment I didn’t take time to tell myself I was wrong for feeling that way, in that moment I was proud of myself for being up front and honest. Sometimes when we’re healing it’s easy to hide the truth from ourselves, I chose not to do that. Secondly, I gave myself permission to have those feelings. Are they good feelings; no. Can I control him; no….but it’s ok for me to feel the way I do. This is someone who rejected his child in every way imaginable, it makes sense for me to react strongly to that. However, now that I know and understand I have these feelings it’s something I need to work on; pray over; and perhaps even game plan how I should deal with it. It’s been about two weeks since this happened and I still don’t have a game plan for how to handle the fact that one day I may see him parenting another child. I plan to but haven’t done so yet. In fact if I’m being totally honest this is the first time I’ve openly talked/wrote about the situation. I believe this is the second step in confronting my feelings. I’ve acknowledged them, and now I’m admitting them. It may sound cliche’ but it actually feels really good to be open; in fact it’s freeing. Now I can pray over it, pray for healing of those feelings but also pray for my son’s healing in that department. If I get pissed at the possibility of seeing him parent another child I can only imagine how that will affect my son. I think I also need to pray over the characteristics of the father I desire for my child; and for my child not to feel any sense of “missing out on things/love”; and for his restoration.