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Baby Shark

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This is NOT an ad lol! However, the live show is where all of the reflecting you’re about to read about took place, so it was only fitting to entitle this blog “Baby Shark.”

To kick off my son’s birthday celebration we went to see Baby Shark Live. The show was actually good. As I sat there singing along and enjoying the fact that my son was happy to be there I began to reminisce. It was just a year ago that we kicked off his birthday celebration with Sesame Street Live. At that time all of the drama that forced me to become a single parent had just happened like all of 2 days before the show, sitting there in a family environment where I saw other “complete” families (both parents) enjoying family time with their children was a complete gut punch. Being there with my married friend and her two children(thank God her husband wasn’t with us) was indeed a second gut punch. Pulling out of the gathering wasn’t an option as one it was my idea to take the children; and two my son LOVES Sesame Street. My only choice was to sit there in agony, stone faced, and emotionless so that my son could enjoy the show and not catch on that something was wrong with his mom. This was the first of several family outings that caused me indescribable pain.

Baby Shark and Mommy Shark…appropriate picture right?

Baby Shark was different on many levels, for starters it was the first outing with only my son and myself and where I didn’t feel like a failure or want to cry because I was around other families. Earlier this summer I blogged about having accepted what my complete family looked like; so I was keenly aware that as long as my mom was with my son and I my idea of what my family looked liked was clear and acceptable. I honestly wasn’t too sure nor did I put any thought into how I would feel in a family environment with just the two of us. I was ecstatic that I felt so comfortable with “the single mom family picture” as well. Being able to accept, and enjoy where, what, and who you are is an amazing feeling AND a huge accomplishment.

Secondly, Baby Shark was different because I didn’t feel alone. Sure I wasn’t actually alone but single parents you know what I mean. I was able to interact with other parents and enjoy their company and the company of their children. There were absolutely no feelings of envy, failure, anger or regret. I was able to be in the moment with my son and enjoy the show from his vantage point. Hell for that matter I was able to enjoy it period.

Third and most important I realized that in the last year my son has not missed a beat!! When I was forced to become a single parent one of the things that scared me the most was my potential inability to give my son the childhood I wanted him to have. Y’all Baby Shark wasn’t cheap and yet we were there…with good seats might I add. My child has been to 80% of the events I wanted him to attend; he’s in swim classes; he has toys and books galore doesn’t need anything clothing wise….like he’s in a good spot materially and experience speaking; but more important than that his level of sheer joy has not wavered!!! He is as happy, and loving as he was when all of this first went down. Now that he’s talking he’s even more loving, compassionate, and funny. A year ago my main concern was that his world (Joy and peace) remained the same and watching him at Baby Shark gave me confirmation that it had. Nothing made me happier.

In closing the last year if my life has been extremely hard. Accepting who I was forced to become; the depth of the responsibilities I bore; adapting and changing my life on the fly; loving my new identity…..finding my new identity; letting go of the past; mentally and emotionally healing none of this has been easy BUT it’s been worth it. A year ago one year seemed like an extremely long time to still be finding and learning to accept myself but now I understand that it takes time. Progress takes time, healing takes time…this is by no means an overnight process. Whoever you are if you’re reading this and you feel broken and feel as if you have no clue how you will make it through the next day hold your head up and keep pushing!!! It doesn’t happen over night but you eventually cry less; at some point you begin to notice there is some progress, some movement…. don’t focus on a long outlook. Take it one day at a time and don’t worry about set backs, they happen it you will move forward. You will heal!!!

The Power of An Apology

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During today’s session with my therapist she did something that I never expected and well my reaction to her unexpected action was also unexpected. We’ll get there in due time as it’s important to give a little background for today’s session and occurrences

A little over a year ago when I began seeing my therapist I wasn’t necessarily closed minded to the idea of therapy but I certainly had restrictions on what I was willing to talk about; and I was very strict in the timeframe I thought things should be done. Restrictions: we will only talk about what brought me here AKA everything that transpired within the last month(October 2018), I DO NOT wanna talk about the 18 years my ex and I invested into one another before my child was born. My timeframe: if you can heal me within 6-8 weeks that’d be great!! I quickly learned my timeline was unrealistic but my therapist being good at her job never pushed for the 18 year history between my ex and I. She went where I allowed, pushed as much as possible in those spaces, but always respected my boundaries and never traversed into my “off limit zone”. A year later after she and I were extremely comfortable with one another and after she felt I’d made a decent amount of progress she asked if we could talk about just the year leading into my pregnancy. She said  although we’d made loads of progress she felt we might be able to make more if I would open up to talking about the pregnancy. I didn’t really want to do that especially since I felt like I was in a really good space but decided if it could enhance my healing why not. 

Over the last month or so we’ve been revisiting my pregnancy: the great times my ex and I had together (before learning I was pregnant); his schizophrenic change up after finding out I was pregnant; the broken promises; missed events; missed birth and my feelings about all of it. I have to admit speaking about the good times made me miss him and remember how much I love him. It made me think I was crazy to still love someone who switched up but it’s hard to rid yourself of 18 years of memories and experiences in just two years. I was suddenly crying all the time, every strong emotion made me cry. Then we got to the dark spots and while discussing those points didn’t make me hate him; didnt make me feel stupid; and didnt depress me it brought about other strong feelings: Some times pain,; some times wondering how I didn’t see this coming; and honestly some times peace because the peace reminded me that I made the right decision in putting all of this behind me and moving forward. 

Throughout this process I could see my therapist empathizing with me, feeling my pain and understanding the weight of carrying this issue however, today was very different. Today I discussed in detail my son’s birth, and the few days afterwards and I could see her holding back tears…then…it happened. Once I was done talking my therapist apologized!!! I was so taken aback that I couldn’t even say thank you. She apologized!!! How crazy is that?!?! My ex hasn’t even apologized for his inability and unwillingness to connect with us; for not prioritizing us; and for the “lie” that separated us for good. Honestly when all the drama kicked off he told me he had nothing to apologize for so imagine how I felt having had someone FINALLY apologize to me about this….hell all of it. Imagine how it felt to have someone actually understand my pain, understand why I felt there was nothing more for me to do; and understand how broken I was by his (in)actions. 

I didn’t know how to feel, I’m honestly still processing it. My emotions range from relief: to shock; to freedom; to finality….so much. In my quest to move forward I’d resigned to forgive him in spite of his ability to apologize so I never expected one…..and certainly not from her. Even though she isn’t the person that inflicted the pain her apology unleashed a new level of healing….again something else I’m attempting to process. I don’t know what this new wave of healing means, I have no idea what will become of it but it’s clearly something I didn’t know I needed and for that I thank her. 

And Now We Celebrate

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As I stated in the previous blog, I was over it. Over arguing with someone I wasn’t with, over arguing with someone who continuously showed he didn’t want to co-parent, over overextending myself to make sure he understood he was wanted and needed as a parent…just over it!! I was driving myself nuts trying to make the best of this situation for my son and not realizing that I wasn’t my best self for him because I was allowing my emotional boundaries to be overstepped. I remember walking into my therapist’s office and proclaiming “IM DONE!!!” She didn’t even ask with what, she said finally!!! Then she told me she was glad I finally learned I couldn’t make my son’s father want to be there AND I had no reason to feel guilty. That was an extremely freeing moment!! We’re celebrating that lol! I finally figured out his absence wasn’t my fault, I did everything I could. I wasn’t shutting the door on my son’s ability to have a relationship with him because there was no relationship to be had. Once I let go of that guilt I actually cut him completely off. The conversations we were having weren’t helping my son, they weren’t helping me so why was I still allowing them? Yup, done. Cut him right off….talk about peace.

You know what else we’re celebrating? We’re celebrating the fact that I am finally happy with my family as is. Yes, it took some time; I mourned what I lost, my possible future with this man; I mourned the loss of my ideal family; I mourned my child not having a father but then..I became content(I actually blogged about it this sometime this summer). Instead of focusing on what I lost I decided to focus on what I had…which is a mom who LOVES spending time with her grandson, and loves helping out. I had cousins who love him and don’t mind the fact that he’s always with me; I had my sister and best friends who were there for whatever my son and I needed. Realizing that I had just as much if not more than what I lost gave me a new found hope and thus was and is worth celebrating.

I switched careers and am handling ALL of the financial responsibilities for my son on my own. I’m not so much basking in the fact that I have to handle all the financial responsibility for my son on my own( that’s something I forgive my son’s father for daily in order to keep from being pissed) but I’m basking in the fact that I had the ABILITY to switch to a career that was more parent friendly, and in switching careers I am able to handle everything I need to. Now I could write an entire blog about hits point alone but I’ll try not to(today anyway). Like so many single parents I thought about going for child support. I even filled out the application but I never pursued it beyond that. At the end of the day I don’t want him to think he has rights to my child because he sends a check. Just wasn’t what I wanted to do. Even though I decided not to pursue child support I still felt bad and even angry on a monthly basis….specifically if I was paying daycare tuition or if something popped up unexpectedly that my child needed. I remember getting so pissed off and cussing him as I struggled to figure out how to maneuver the money I had. One day I was having a conversation with one of my married friends and daycare tuition came up and she spoke about how her and her husband didn’t want to have more children because the cost of daycare was too much….how paying for one child was a balancing act for them. Now I wasn’t happy that they found themselves balancing money BUT hearing that made me feel good to know that even with a co-parent I still would’ve dealt with the same issues. So I’m celebrating!!! I’m overcame my anger, and frustrations around this part of single parenting and found a way to get it done!

You know what else we’re celebrating? We’re celebrating that my child hasn’t missed a beat!! My child has so many great experiences, he’s so happy and I was honest afraid he’d miss that. He has done so much in his almost two years of life. He’s gone to sporting events both pro and collegiate; he’s been to amusement parks; live shows; concerts; museums; zoos…all the kid hotspots lol! He seriously hasn’t missed a beat. The only reason we haven’t gone out of town yet is because I switched jobs…..and daycare tuition could care less that I was between careers Lolbvvs! So many toddlers only have material things: clothes, shoes, toys. It meant to much to me to give him experiences and I admit I was afraid that would decrease or not happen at all once his father left us.

We’re going to celebrate the fact that my stalker popped up at my house( and yes my son’s father knew this was an issue way before my son was conceived) and I was able to secure protection for my son and I by myself. Scary as hell, but guess what it needed to be done so I got it done. The last time I got an Order of Protection against this stalker my son’s father was with me every step of the way, it was so different going to the police stations and court dates by myself. I won’t lie, even getting my weapon and going to the classes was tough and intimidating but at the end of the day my son needed protecting and I wasn’t going to let him down. I’m proud of myself for the courage it took to do it alone.

I’m celebrating the fact that this same stalker decide to release via social media some extra old ( dry close to 10 years) videos of he and I being intimate…and Instead of cowering down and looking for someone to hold me down and remind me of who I am, and help me protect my son I held my head up and endured the situation alone. Now please believe me it was t easy. I was already emotionally battered and warn from the single parent situation, I was insecure about being a single parent and trying to find my identity as a single parent so that was not something I had room on my emotional plate for. In fact I had no tolerance whatsoever for this, but I had to find the strength to push through this as well. Thank God for His strength and again my core group of friends. Not sure how else I would’ve made it through that ordeal.

Stalker nonsense aside, I am also celebrating the fact that men still find me desirable. Yes, I won’t lie once my son’s father left I temporarily gave up on marriage. I thought no one could or would ever want me because I was now damaged goods. I figured no man would want to be bothered with the perceived drama of dealing with another man. I’m sure hare reading this and wondering wth is wrong with me, but remember this guy was my first love, we planned on getting married…and this thought was planted in my head since high school. In my mind when he left he took that possibility with him. I was so broken. I am thankful because one I didn’t hop into anything right after this went down….so no rebound dude issues (a previous break up with my son’s father is how I got the stalker in the beginning) that was growth. But also, at the right time God sent men along to remind me that I was still beautiful, and intelligent, still had a good head on my shoulders…and that have a child didn’t make me less desirable BUT them seeing how I was with my child made me MORE desirable. Now those potential relationships didn’t work out but I don’t feel as if they were meant to work. I feel like those dudes were sent to show me that at the appropriate time God will send the man who will love me the way Christ loves the church, He’ll send someone who will be happy with me and treat my son as if he has his DNA. That restoration of confidence is worth celebrating.

What I am most proud of myself for, what I celebrate the most is no matter how depressed I was, how down I felt, no matter how insecure I might’ve been, no matter how angry I was on the inside….my countenance remained the same. I was dying inside but laughing outside. I was dying inside but sharing, and still compassionate with others. I was doubting if I was worth marrying and would ever get married BUT able to celebrate with my girls when they got engaged! Not once did I get stingy and decide not to give to others, or decide to forgo celebrating with others. I did the opposite and gave with no grudges. I celebrated as if it were my own feat. It is this stability, this outward stability that I celebrate most. I still don’t know why I went through this. I have no clue why after 19 years my best friend, first love, and father of my child decided that he was better off doing life without my son and I but he did. I still can’t answer why we were looking for houses and talking about marriage one month and the next month he told his mother “ we took a DNA test and our son wasn’t his”. I don’t even look for answers anymore or try to understand it all. What I do know is I did my part. God told me to apologize, forgive, and seek therapy and in turn He gave me peace…not answers but peace. I am so happy and at peace with my life and the direction it’s going in. Yes, every blue moon I get down about something but I look at my son and reflect on God’s grace and know that everything will work itself out. In closing it’s my single mom-aversary and I AM celebrating!!! I am celebrating peace, joy, overcoming, and most importantly finding myself deeper in God! I’m an overcomes! I survived what tried to take me out!!! It’s a celebration MITCHES!!

It’s My Anniversary…But Before We Celebrate

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Today officially marks my one year anniversary as a single parent. Not quite sure this is something to celebrate but it is what it is…and I’m marking this occasion because I’m proud of myself for overcoming (more on that later). To give you all some background a year ago yesterday I sent my son’s paternal grandmother and e-vite for his upcoming baptism. She didn’t respond on that but on Wednesday….my how the shit hit the fan. So I’m at work and around noon I receive a Facebook message from her stating “her son says we took a DNA test and the baby isn’t his.” Um what?!?!? Like an idiot I responded to her message and told her that he signed the birth certificate, I’d send her a screenshot of it when I got home…because she needed to know I’m no liar then told her I wasn’t trying to force any interaction. However seeing as how my son shares their last name I thought it would be cool to have both sides of my son’s family present at his baptism. I felt so sick. I absolutely couldn’t believe I was going through this, I couldn’t believe she sent me that message. This was the beginning of a slow and painful emotional death-unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. So I called him…..and of course he didn’t answer so I went off via voicemail. I told him what happened and how his mother told me he told her our son wasn’t his….and hurled a million insults ranging from “he’s dead to me; to how could you do this to us; to you’re a deadbeat ass father; lying piece of shit” and honestly those are just the insults I remember hurling at him via voicemail. Then he called back…

By that time I was no longer on my lunch break and couldn’t respond to him, but I’ll tell you this he didn’t leave a voicemail, didn’t texts, nor did he call my work phone. In my distraught mind he didn’t try to contact me more than once because everything she said was true. Before I take a deep dive into our phone call later that night and his lack of an explanation I know you’re wondering what made me believe her? Why was her story so believable before I even talked to him…..

It’s simple, her story was believable because it matched his (in)actions. When I first told him I was pregnant he was not happy. One, because we found out so late(31 weeks and 1 day when I found out), and as he said “there’s nothing we can do about it now” (ie…it’s too late for an abortion). I specifically asked him that night “are you going to be apart of our son’s life or will I be doing this on my own?” He told me he didn’t like the circumstances, we weren’t ready but he was going to be right there every step of the way. Even though he was visibly shook I still believed him. He came to exactly ONE of my prenatal appointments in spite of the fact that I allowed him to pick the days (he knew what days were free on his schedule so he knew if he could make it or not). Next, he skipped the maternity shoot. I’m a first time mom, and yes I’m scared out of my mind about having 6-8 weeks to prepare for a WHOLE BABY but the maternity shoot was one thing that sort of calmed me down. He already had a child, a daughter and I was bringing his first son into the world, I figured he’d want to be there for the shoot but um no. Baby shower!! Another stressful event…more planning….more stress and headaches but once the day came it was really fun and I was humbled to be around people who loved me enough to buy my baby gifts….and who were genuinely happy to see me pregnant. I knew his parents weren’t coming because supposedly they were going to be out of town that weekend but none of his family came…..no brothers…no cousins…..not even him. He supposedly took off work then “got called in at the last minute because someone got hurt”. Technically he took the joy out of the baby shower, I sat there trying to fake happy but really pissed because at the last minute he told me he couldn’t come…to our baby shower…..OUR shower…..everything had both our names on it. Yup, let that marinate for a moment.

He missed our son’s birth….(yes, let that marinate as well). He came to the hospital before I had him but since he started a new job that day and orientation was at 10am he left for orientation. Realistically since he kept up with the progress of everything I figured he was coming back after orientation was over, however I was wrong!!! He missed the birth; he did come early the next morning to sign the birth certificate and yes he left about 1pm to pick up his daughter from school. Before you ask no he didn’t bring her back to meet her brother; yes I was a fool and thought he would. My son and I went home the next day and he didn’t come visit. Actually my son was 10 days old before he saw his father again….work schedule….it was mandatory overtime at Amazon because you know…holiday season. Did I mention my son was 10 days old on Thanksgiving? Yup..and no he didn’t invite us to have dinner with his family; he didn’t bring them over to see the baby when he came; he didn’t take pictures of him in his little my first thanksgiving outfit…nothing. He stayed maybe 90 minutes so I couldn’t complain that he didn’t come over then left for work. My son is almost 2 and he’s not once been with us to a doctor’s appointment…not his very first appointment, and not his circumcision. Didn’t call to check on him that day…guys this is only the first month of life. I’m totally sure you understand why his mom’s statement was so believable. I don’t need to continue running down the list of “donts, didnts, and missed events.

Now that you understand why I believed her and called him going off let’s get back to the story at hand. He and I finally talked that night and he told me that he doesn’t know why she said that. He never told her that and he hadn’t talked to her yet to find out why she said that to me. However, he had a serious attitude about the things I said to him, he didn’t appreciate me jumping to conclusions as he put it without talking to him first, and my personal favorite his feelings were hurt because I told him he was dead to me. I didn’t care that he was hurt I wanted him to feel the same pain I felt. And I told him I’d apologize for my words if he apologized for her actions and checked her. A year later and he still refuses to apologize for the lie that was told because in his illustrious words “ he didn’t say that.”

I went to bed pissed off, hurt, infuriated, crushed, emotionally drained….and with nothing resolved. I made myself sleep because I had to work in the morning. No matter how much I wanted to call off and stay at home in a shell I couldn’t. I woke up the next morning and got ready for work, kissed my baby on the way out, got in my car and called his father. He picked up, told me he’d talked to his mother and she was confused. Bruh, confused about what? I’m not some random chick you met . We’ve been dating on and off since we were 14 what do you mean she was confused?!?! I never really got an answer for that, but it pissed me off even more. Confused I asked, how so? Are you messing around with someone else who is or was supposedly pregnant? Was the ex that popped up at your house a few months prior to all of this pregnant? Had she (whoever she was) already gave birth? Is that what that incident was about and you didn’t wanna tell me? I never got answers, only more reason to be pissed. The silence allowed me to think what I wanted to and fill in the blanks how I saw fit. That did nothing more than piss me off!! I thought men fought for the women they loved? I thought men at least tried to lie to you, but you’re just silent and when you do speak you’re talking about how hurt you are?!?! Hmmm no,this is not about how hurt you are. Your hurt doesn’t matter. At this point I was screaming at him so badly until I just hung the phone up. There was nothing more I could say. I went to work, acted like nothin happened, held it together but cried like a baby as soon as I clocked out.

I went home to do what I should’ve done the previous day…..pray. Just pray and turn all my grief, frustration, anger and fear over to God. Once I really prayed I felt better but ai didn’t feel better (not sure if that makes sense to anyone). God told me that He’d be with me and guide me through this but I had to do some things: I needed to apologize to my child’s father…..I couldn’t expect him to apologize to me if I was unwilling to do the same. Secondly, I was to forgive my child’s father and pray for him….(nowhere near easy, and may have been the hardest thing He asked me to do, and finally I was to seek counseling. 

When you’re at such a terrible place in your life and you pray to God for answers, don’t get answers(even to this date I have no clue why I had to go through this) but instead He gives you actions to take toward your own healing….you just have to do it. Irregardless of how I felt I called him Friday morning and apologized for call him him a deadbeat and saying he was dead to me. I meant the apology for as much as I could at the time. No, he has NEVER apologized to me and one hear later I am ok with this. Forgiveness…..(takes deep breath) yes in the same voicemail I left apologizing I also told him that as forgive him. That’s….well….really difficult. It’s not something you can say once and it be done. Forgiving him for what he did is a DAILY decision and it’s never easy. At some point I had to forgive his mother as well, you may not think I should’ve been pissed with her in the beginning but I was and that’s not something aim going to explain. Therapy, well that was for me. It’s too ensure that I’m not passively transferring any ill feelings to my son; it’s to make sure I’m not afraid to love again; and it’s to help me navigate filling that void-after all this was a 19 year relationship that was abruptly done. 

I sought after and found a therapist my insurance would cover…and allowed the healing to begin. Now if you know me you know in my mind therapy and healing was going to be quick… couldn’t take more than 8 weeks right?!? Wrong!!!! While I’m at peace with my life, and in a much better place emotionally and mentally I am still seeing my therapist….but let’s work our way up to that.

In the last voicemail I left my son’s father( 2 days before baptism) I told him that I still  wanted him to be apart of our child’s life…I wasn’t looking for a relationship or even friendship out of him but our son needed him and as long as the conversation was about our son I’d be professional. I later found out even my extending to be professional just wasn’t going to work…but we’ll get there too.

He missed the baptism, and a month later missed our son’s first birthday party. In a conversation we had later he told me that he didn’t remember the details since I’d deleted the invites out of his calendar. This was not a good defense as his mother had e-vites for BOTH events. He face timed the day before and on our son’s birthday and we argued about that. Obviously I knew he wasn’t going to spend time with our son for Thanksgiving but we managed to work something out for Christmas. He was going to give me money to help purchase presents( notice that’s the first time I mentioned he gave money for something) and he’d come over on Christmas Eve to watch our son open presents. Hmmmm, good thing I went with my gut and didn’t keep our son up to wait for him because he never showed. When I texted days later and asked what happened he responded “ he had to work late” and texting me to inform me of that never crossed his mind. 

We argued on New Years; we argued in January when he FaceTimed my son; we argued in February via text….totally my fault. I’m not sure why I tried treating him as an equal co parent when I switched daycare providers for my son. The pattern was anytime he called, texted, or face timed we argued. Guys, this was so exhausting. Even my therapist asked why I continued the pattern with him when he wasn’t doing anything on a consistent basis. My response without hesitation was always “ I told him we’d co parent” so I have to deal with this for my son. One day in May after having yet another argument about only God knows what(for some reason I called him about the baby having an allergic reaction and to let him know what was going on) I was done. OVER IT!!!! 

ENTER PEACE, TRIUMPH AND CELEBRATION!!!

The Saga Concludes….

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Two weeks later and we’re done day training. Honestly we finished day training a little over a week ago. It took us 7 days to get the basics down. I am extremely proud of my little man AND myself because potty training is no easy task!!! While I titled this blog “The Saga Concludes” it’s really not over….well it is but it isn’t as I’m still nap and night time training.

Night time training is a tad more challenging for us for several reasons: hens younger so his bladder control may or may not be fully developed; we both hate being awaken from our sleep; and he is NOT feeling the last call for milk two hours before bedtime lolbvvs! As it stands we wake up twice a night to pee. He absolutely hates these wake up times. He’s cranky, doesn’t want to get up, fights to stay asleep, and sometimes doesn’t pee out of rebellion. It is on these nights that we usually have an accident. Our nights are usually dry if he pees during both night wakings. Dry nights keep me encouraged. We also have dry nap times at home……daycare is another story.

Speaking of daycare, the morning leading into daycare I woke up hysterical. I legit had 101 reasons why my son shouldn’t return to daycare newly potty trained(remember we started this journey during his daycare break) and a list of things that could go wrong. I couldn’t get back to sleep after waking up panicking so I decided to pack his little book bag. I sent him with 3 changes of clothes, 3 pairs of training underwear (only to be used at nap time) and of course a bag for all his dirty clothes. At that point I told my self to pull it together because he had to go! Oh, I also got him the potty watch to help him remember to go pee while playing. Um, it wasn’t one of the nightmares played out in my mind but it was pretty either. Turns out his daycare teacher isn’t used to potty trained not quite 2 year olds. She didn’t show him where the potty was, didn’t watch for his signals, didn’t bring the potty closer to him…..just didn’t . After talking with the daycare owner we decided to move him to the preschool section of the daycare as that instructor not only knows how to deal with potty trained toddlers but she trains them too! Once the move was made he went down to no accidents at daycare! Go mommy’s big boy!! Our accidents occurred in strange situations……aka places he wasn’t used to pottying in. Once I noticed that I got him a travel potty all was right with the world again.

Now I don’t want you to read this and think once he learned the skills everything has been smooth like skippy because that is not the case. We are currently in the “pee pee rebellion”. This last weekend he reverted back to 1-2 accidents a day but that cleared up once we got to daycare on Monday. I’m not particularly sure why he rebelled but I’m hoping he”s done with said rebellion.

In closing this series isn’t to brag on having a potty trained child, or to gloat about how much I’m saving it’s to let you know that you have support! The blog series serves to let you know this shit ain’t easy(by no stretch of the imagination), it’s to let you know my struggles, to allow you to laugh at my bloopers and to realize you’re not alone on the island of potty training. It’s to push you to stick this out and finish the job because both you and your little person are worth it. Good luck mama!!!

The Potty Training Saga Continues

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The last day I blogged about my adventures with this whole potty training thing was on Day 2 when I was at wits end and ready to quit. Self preservation….kid preservation….sanity lol! Ok, so I obtained and listened to the audible of Oh Crap Potty Training that night. Someone needed to talk me off the ledge and this book did the trick. Ever binge listened to anything lol? That was me, Tuesday night I was committed to finishing this 8.5 hr book…and I did too! I got a quick nap before I was set to start Wednesday with the kid, I game planned with my mom, I closed off my calendar for the next few days….it was my will versus his will and dang it I wasn’t about to lose. The kid is ready and I know it!!!Day 3………I treated it as Day 1(sorta) implementing all my new techniques from Oh Crap Potty Training. Let’s do this! I have to be very honest Day 3 was t bad at all. We had more makes then misses, the misses he did have we knew it was more behavioral than cluelessness and realistically one good accident that we totally jumped down his throat about and even that straightened up. Day 3 was SSSOOOOO good I even put a pair of shorts on him and let him go commando with me on a Target drive up run. Well, my baby, pardon me my big boy stayed dry. Now let’s have a moment of honesty, he did have an accident on the way out the door but it was my fault. I put him in the potty as we were preparing to leave but he didn’t go. Because of this I was putting some receiving blankets in the car seat for extra “dryness” and my mom was watching him as I’m finishing up in the truck I hear him screaming…..yup, you guessed it that was when he pottied. I got him cleaned up switched shirts and out the door we went. Between Target and Starbucks we were gone about thirty minutes and he stayed dry(inserts fist pump)!!!

We got home and it was bedtime, because the day was going so well and Jamie said to day and night train simultaneously we went to bed with no diaper. Yup, you read that right we ended day 3 with no diaper. I prepped for this as much as possible, receiving blankets under the fitted sheet; cut off liquids 2 hours before bed; pulled out all his 2 piece pjs for reinforcements; fleece blanketed for wet spots; had my alarm set for 11p and 2a and we went for it. I out him on the potty right before bed but he refused to stay on and certainly didn’t go therefore I expected an accident. He woke up wet just before the 11pm alarm. There was no point in being upset because this was almost guaranteed…besides it was our first time night training. The kid went back to sleep around 1am(no I was NOT happy about that) especially not with another night time check at 2am but what can you do. He woke up at 2am, wasn’t wet, we went back to sleep and all was right with the world. Day 3 potty training went pretty well, as did night 1 of training. Because of this I was certain Day 4 would be a mess!!!

Day 4, honestly it hasn’t been too bad. I was convinced I’d be met with sheer stubbornness but surprisingly he wasn’t as bad as I thought he’d be. Today I decided he’d go half naked half commando with the kid. We have had more makes than misses but the misses have been in his shorts. The good news is he doesn’t like being wet….so it makes him attempt to get to the potty. Big deal: he pooped twice IN the potty!!!! I was so excited to not have to clean up shit….and he was excited to see “what came out of him.” We took another very short trip with him commando, this time to UPS and he managed to stay dry. I don’t wanna set myself up for failure by thinking we”re on the road to being fully potty trained but damn it “we’re on the way to being fully potty trained!!!” Now in reality I can’t get too excited, we’re going to take another trip shortly and that one won’t be short time wise. It’s close to the house but we’re gonna be gone awhile so um…I guess we’re moving into the “different situations block”. It exactly tryna move there until Sunday but uh one night can’t hurt.

All in all I was talked off the proverbial ledge and my kid is making nice strides. This mama needs to celebrate….I think I’ll have a cookie.

Potty Training Saga Part 2

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There are days where I want to sit and cry because I am so frustrated and today is one of those days. I am beyond overwhelmed and the reality is as much as I want to give up and take time to cry I can’t….cuz then shit just wouldn’t get done😩 It is in fact the never ending circle of single parenting: Shit gets tough, you have no one to turn to or in my case you don’t want to exhaust the only help you have; you want to cry, want to release your frustrations but honestly there’s no time because “things need to be done.” So what straw broke the camel’s back today? Is it the failed potty training expedition, the stubborn , clingy, toddler/mom needs a break thing; is it the I ant afford to do anything for myself thing; or is it the daycare cost too damn much, how the fuck am I expected to take care of anything else thing? How about it was all of that….no seriously it’s all of that. As I sit on the floor of my bathroom because I wanted some “me time” writing this my stubborn toddler fell asleep while in timeout. Honestly his falling asleep was best for both of us because I no longer had the patience necessary to deal with him. Day 3 of potty training has not show any improvements, dare I say it things I have gotten worse. My son pees the floor and shows no remorse. In fact when showing him the urine and telling him that’s a “no no and that big boys pee in the potty he proceeded to play in the urine. This was the third accident of the day, the second where he flat out showed no remorse and I was over it. Maybe just maybe you aren’t ready. I do NOT have money for diapers but I also no longer have patience for this shit. I put the diaper back on him and he goes “NO”…naw bruh it’s too late for no you should’ve acted right when I was trying. Crazy thing is I know he’s ready, not only does he love his big boy underwear but he pulls off wet diapers and brings them to me, he sits in the potty (most of the time), and he uses it with no problem. He hasn’t figured out how to poop the potty but whatever. The majority of his accidents are just bad timing…..as in I took him off the potty too early and he pissed his underpants. But today he’s being rebellious as all hell and so he refuses to go….and he’s being selectively rebellious…worse. Normally I’m not one to back down from a battle and certainly to one to back down from a challenge with my kid but this timeI don’t have it in me so fuck it you win. Back to diapers you go and back to mommy having to figure out where the diaper money will come from. As if I needed another reason to be frustrated with him he refused to pick up his toys. My kid loves to clean, he loves to straighten things and like most boys he LOVES the praise he gets when he knows he’s made mommy very happy. Over the last week or so not so much; you can praise him all you want and he still jus doesn’t care. Per usual I gave him the bag and said put the blocks in here he in turn told me “no” and snatched away. NIGHT NIGHT buddy, you’re not going to tell me no and think it’s ok….and that’s how I got my quiet time🤷🏾‍♀️

After he went down for timeout I sat to budget my next paycheck…huge mistake. Because of the way the first pay period in September falls I need to pay my daycare provider over $500 from my next check in order to make sure he’s covered. That sent me right over the edge. $360 for two weeks I would’ve been alright with and honestly was expecting that but $540?!?!?! That’s probably a third of what I’m going to receive. My kid needs school supplies and Lord let’s not forget diapers, I need to actually do quite a bit for myself PLUS I have other bills to pay and you want me to give up a third of my check? It may be more than a third because once combined with my car note I think I have $200 left. What the fuck am I suppose to do with that? My calculations sent me into a total talespin of “what and why the fucks?!?!” “What the fuck am I gonna do with $200? Why e fuck does daycare cost so much? Why the fuck am I paying so much for daycare when you’re still asking me to bring supplies? What the fuck am I suppose to put on the back burner this time? Why the fuck is his trifling ass sperm donor helping me? Why the fuck do you idiots think people are o;yo having one to two kids? Why the fuck are y’all wondering dumb shit when the answer is obvious? Who the fuck can I get in the family to watch him because this shit is fucking ridiculous followed by fuck everybody is dead. What the fuck and why the fuck…..now none of this shit actually helps me and honestly it probably does nothing more than keep me hyped up on my emotions….that’s why I call it a tale spin.

Crashing down rom my tale spin I retreat to the bathroom to blog and hopefully have a good cry in the shower….ten minutes of course can’t be in the shower too long in case the kid wakes up. As I type I still haven’t cried nor have I come up with any solutions, nor do I feel better about anything. This has been such a trying year. I honestly thought I was beginning to handle things a little better but as I can see that’s far from the truth. I sit here wishing I was married for the help yet knowing married couples have the same financial problems ESPECIALLY the daycare convo….hell I just listened to one of my married friends tell me this last week. I sit here wishing I made more money, I did the calculations when I switched jobs I need to bring home at least $2000 bi-weekly to afford full time daycare….my kid is currently part time daycare and let’s just say I have yet to hit $2000. The silver lining is at least with my current job there is potential to hit $2000 that wasn’t even a thought in the previous job. Crazy thing is I’m not sure if I actually wish those things or if right now I just feel those are the most obvious solutions to my problems. I sit here closing out this blog realizing I didn’t even tell y’all about day 2 part 2 potty training…I just skipped to the train wreck that was day 3. I guess I’ll have to hop back on and do that later. Right now I need some time to mentally and emotionally relax.

The Potty Training Saga

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Deep breath….ok guys so I’m officially potty training my 21 month old. NO, I didn’t push him; NO I’m not rushing; YES he basically told me it was time…he kept pulling his wet diapers off and bringing them to me…..so yes, it was time. I chose this week because it’s vacation week from daycare and from everything I read it’s best to just “go at it for the week” then then try on weekends only. This is Day 2 y’all……Day 2!!!!! He is such a handful but damn it I’m not backing down!!

Day 1 went like this, I wasn’t home because I was working that day and so I decided I’d start on Monday. My mom was home with him all day and wanted to start so we agreed. I left the house around 11am by 130 he’d officially shat and pissed the floor and by 3 she was “sick of this shit and too old to be bending down to clean up shit” so my son ended up back in a diaper. Originally I was not thrilled that he was back in a diaper because well she could’ve waited and he and I could’ve started on Monday like I originally planned.

Part 2 Day 1 I got home around 5, he cleaned up, we ate dinner and I chilled. Y’all I was not gonna reopen this can of worms until tomorrow. While chilling out my mother goes “did you try with him?” No, no I did not….we can wait til tomorrow. About an hour later I said to hell with it and decided we could try at least once. My👏🏾 Child👏🏾 Set👏🏾Me👏🏾Up👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾!! I put him in the toilet and made him sit there for 10 minutes. While sitting in the toilet I showed him his “big boy shirts”(which he actually likes), read him the toilet book, and showed and e Plaines his progress chart to him and what he’d receive stickers for. Somewhere during all of that my son went; he used the toilet. I was super thrilled!! I celebrated with him, we flushed, washed his hands, put the stickers on his chart and back to chill vile we went, I told him in 30 minutes we’d try again. Thirty minutes passed we tried again and guess what, he went again. Again I excitedly celebrated him and tracked his progress. In the words of Da I’ll Tiger we flushed, and washed, and went on our way!😂😂😂😂 Right before his bedtime bath we tried once more, this time he didn’t use the bathroom but we’ll he sat so ok. Y’all know I’m fairly ambitious so in my mind “cool, at this rate we should have the whole “go in the down by Wednesday and spend the rest of the week learning how to correctly put on his big boy pants without my help.” I was excited, I had a plan and it was all coming together.

Day 2, As with everything that I’ve attempted to plan parent wise, my plan fell apart. We woke up and first thing this morning I put him on the potty, he went…success!! In my mind things were going according to my plan. 8am we tried again, and nothing. This time he barely wanted to sit on the toilet. In fact he made five minutes by the skin of his teeth….as in he got up at least three times and I made him sit back down. Five minutes passed and nothing happened so we got up. No sooner than we get outta the bathroom my man pees and y’all I was not patient, I..was..livid(please don’t start telling me how I should’ve responded…I’m well aware of that but that’s not how this unfolded lol). I KNEW he had to go….I told him to sit down…he didn’t wanna wait… now Elmo is wet. I say “man didn’t we agree to keep Elmo dry?” “You gotta be a big boy and use the potty if we’re gonna do that!l I think he was tired of the whole thing because he boycotted his mid-morning snack, lunch, and ended up in time out twice before noon. Homeboy was BIG MAD! I think it’s the sitting and waiting part that he’s not thrilled with. As I sit typing I remember reading he should have a toy while o; the toilet, so the last two times I let him pick his favorite books to bring along and we took his piano. I must admit having a distraction made the waiting part bearable. Since he’s been up from his afternoon nap (aka he fell asleep while in timeout) we’ve had one successful potty time and one successful sitting with no action. At this rate I’m just hoping he actually gets trained by then end of the week. Potty Training is rough…and I have no idea how I’m doing this without wine😩😩😩

Pray for me

Badge of Shame

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My son is named after his father. In fact, he’s name after both his father and grandfather; his suffix is “III.” Once my ex rejected him( even after signing his birth certificate) I seriously debated changing his name. Not his first name, he was just about eleven months at the time and certainly used to his first name but his middle and last names……..most definitely! In my mind there was no sense in wearing the name of the person who ejected him.

Rewind to 11 months (now almost 2 years ago) I remember finding out I was pregnant and instantly thinking “well at least I don’t have to think of a name.” After telling one of my newly divorced friends my plan to name him after his father she posed some real questions. Are you sure he’s going to be around; you don’t want to name him after someone who acts an ass then you’re reminded of that person every time you call your son. “How will you feel calling your son by this name (his name) when you’re pissed off with him(the ex)? “I’m going through all of that now she remarked, I almost hate calling my son’s real name because it reminds me of his father. There’s a lot that goes into naming the child after his father, stuff we don’t think about.” I’ll admit, she scared the shit out of me. I hadn’t thought of any of that. She scared me so much I debated and actually tried to change my son’s name. I remember thinking “maybe he can just have the same initials as his dad”; maybe he can have a different name altogether, different initials and all.” I ran the idea of another name by my mom who loved it. She suggested that was a good idea as we already had 2-3 cousins with the same first name. And as she told me oddly enough one of those cousins had a middle name that was close to my son’s father’s middle name too. Agreeing that was too much, for the next three weeks I came up with different names and called my son by them……that stubborn little man wouldn’t budge. I liked one name in particular and really wished he would answer to it BUT wishful thinking. He would only answer to his father’s name….and so it was I was stuck naming him after his father. With my baby due any day now I became quite content with naming him after his dad, after all his dad was pleased with the decision AND my son refused to answer to anything else.

During the first ten months I never rethought my son’s name. Sure his dad and I had some rough times but those come with the territory of being in a relationship. It wasn’t until that night in October a year after having my first doubts that I suddenly felt as if I’d made a mistake. It was the week before my son’s baptism and his father was taking forever to give his parents the invitation. I decided we’d known one another for the longest; we had a great relationship, there was no reason I couldn’t send his mom a message with the invite myself. That was the absolute biggest mistake of my life. It was that night all hell broke loose. Long story short my son’s father told her we had a DNA test and the kid wasn’t his. Talk about an earth shattering moment. I have to stand in front of God, my Pastor, family, and church family to have my son baptized with a name of someone rejecting him?!?!? I have to stand there bearing THIS?!?!? TOO MUCH JESUS, TOO MUCH!!!!

You couldn’t pay me to believe I hadn’t made a mistake. How could I not see this happening? How was I supposed to get him baptized. Was I really going to stand there and allow him to be called by the traitor’s name? What choice did I have? This was such a nightmare. There we stood having him baptized by the traitor’s name; with a cake at dinner afterwards that also had his name…not a sole from that side of the family there. Not even his treacherous ass twenty-three other chromosomes. This was so embarrassing.

I got through that day taking the celebratory dinner to divulge to my cousins what had transpired. It helped to tell someone other than my best friends and my mother but still there was a deathly feeling. It was that damn name.

In an argument attempting to get through what happened I told the jackass that I intended to change the my son’s name because I didn’t want the baby to bear the constant rejection from someone who didn’t want him. This foo had the audacity to tell me that hurt his feelings. Pardon my language but I flipped the fuck out. Do you really think I care about your feelings after what you did to me? What about my son’s feelings? How is he going to feel as he gets older?

That was and still is such a haunting question. How do you explain to a child why you made a decision to name him after someone who decided to abandon him? The truth has been suggested, but if I’m my son I don’t want to hear “ I used to love him, we grew up together, I named you to honor him as his first born son, I didn’t see this coming, I’m sorry. He’ll hear I’m sorry because I am, I never intended for things to go this way, but really how do I teach him not to look at his name as a badge of shame? How do I teach him to handle questions about his name in school? How do I answer when he asks why we have different last names? What do I say if he asks why didn’t I change his name? Almost a year later and I still don’t have answers.

Looking back on my rant about changing his name, my mother never actually co-signed or tried to talk me out of it. From what I can remember she just let me vent. Of course my cousins said change his name and go for child support, my best friends agreed with my cousins….once they came out of their shock about the entire situation. One of my mom’s friends told me not to change his name because if anything ever happened to his father my son would get money….Lord forbid this of course. Really, the decision was mine. When I originally told his father I was changing his name I told his father he should have the privilege of giving his name to someone he loved, cared about and wanted to parent. I was serious when I said that. On the other hand it was pretty fucked up knowing he may have another son some day and the chick will never know about my kid UNTIL she tried to name her son after this same treacherous soul only to find out it wasn’t possible.

In the end I still haven’t changed his name. I let my son keep his name. I didn’t do it out of spite, fear, not for money( I’m not even seeking child support from the bastard I just want to be left alone in peace), I didn’t do it out of indecisiveness. Now I haven’t given my son a nickname he can only be called by his full name. Any nickname is entirely too close to his father, and while I forgive him and I’m moving past all this….I still don’t wanna hear that name. No bitterness there, I don’t cringe when others do it, I don’t correct them BUT I’m not making a habit out of it either. I haven’t changed his name because one day my son will be great( I truly believe this). One day my son will change the world, he will make it a better place. When that day comes I want his other twenty-three chromosomes to know he missed out. I want him to be reminded that missing out was his decision. I want him to be reminded of what he did.

I don’t know how to answer my son, I hope I never have to answer those questions but if I do I’ll tell him the truth. I named you after him because at one point I loved him, and you were a gift to him. It’s not your fault that he didn’t realize or accept you as his gift. It’s not your fault that he didn’t stay, he missed out, not you. I am truly sorry that you have to bear his name, you are free to change your name BUT his decisions don’t dictate who you are, they don’t dictate who you will be. They don’t dictate your worth. Having his name doesn’t dictate your worth or your future. I truly think that’s the best answer I can give him.

Molding Toddzilla

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My son is in the thick of terrible twos which is interesting enough because he’s only a few days off 20 months. I noticed the change once he turned 18 months, it’s as if he realized he could control EVERYTHING and boy has he been determined to do so. I don’t think I’ve said “no or stop” so many times in my life. I swear I average both words along with the phrase “don’t do that” 20xs/day. Not lying!!! Lately I’ve found myself tiring of saying “stop”, “no”, “don’t do that”…like just down right exhausted. It’s like I’m a broken record. Along with being exhausted of being so negative I also realized my son is an absolute sponge right now. Meaning he picks up on any and everything I do even and probably especially if I don’t want him to. I decided to reevaluate where we(my son and I) are in this period of life and the first thing I realized is toddlerhood is JUST starting…aka I have at least 3 more years of this😩. Secondly, (after pulling myself back together lol) I also realized I can’t continue doing things at this pace; if I’m going to get through this I had to change my style. Changing my style meant more reflection and as a consequence of more reflection it also meant being more intentional in my actions and interactions with toddzilla. Here are a few of the things I’m purposefully implementing:

  1. I try to thank my toddler more! This is an extremely important piece and it took me a few days to come up with this one. This is also probably the hardest technique because I have to actively LOOK for opportunities to do it. There are times when my toddler does something without me having to ask or instruct him; for example yesterday when I told him it was time for lunch he climbed in his chair, strapped himself in, and waited very patiently until I brought him lunch. I was thoroughly impressed. I look for these situations to thank him and tell him I like when he does “xyz”. The positive affirmation acknowledges that he was listening and paying attention to my teachings AND that he’s mastered when and how to implement new skill. Tell him I like when he does something increases the likelihood of him repeating the skill without prompting or fighting.
  2. If I’m telling him not to do something I try very hard to explain why the action isn’t suitable AND how it affects him. Great example, the stove! My kid loves to “help me cook”….I’m Type A+ personality so it drives me NUTS lol, but I pull back and allow it because I understand he wants to “help” and feel included. As parents we all know the kitchen is an extremely dangerous place for toddlers….it’s almost impossible to keep them safe in the kitchen. For some reason my son is taken with the stove. He wants to touch it, he wants to attempt to turn the buttons and because he’s watched me do it, he thinks he can move pots and pans. Beforehand any time I saw him approaching the stove he’d get a stern “don’t touch that”!! Which of course for the rebellious soul just means “go ahead and touch it.” Now I focus on telling him the stove is extremely hot, and if he touches it there’s a chance he’ll get burned which means we’ll have to take away from his play time to go sit at the doctor. Does this explanation always work. Nope! So I have to switch it up and ask him “is the stove hot or cold?” Then pose a follow up question about what can happen s are too hot….he’s not verbalizing well enough to answer that question, but his actions usually show he understands.
  3. I stroke his ego! Yup, not even 2 yet and it already works! Like all toddlers he loves to help and will often do so without being prompted, in those moments I tell him “ he’s the best ever at (insert helpful thing here)”, or “he’s so good at (insert helpful thing here)”, I clap, I dance, I high five….I stay gassing him up for being helpful….as a result he continues helping and I’m not stressed.

Conclusion: does my new way of doing things always work-NOPE! Absolutely not! I’d be a liar to say they do, but at the very least I’m not burned out. I do know these techniques are allowing me to affirm and praise my child and they’re also giving him explanations as to why I don’t want him to do things. Hopefully he learn from the explanations and be able to make his own connections and have more information when making a choice( a little advanced for a toddler but hey if he’s gonna soak everything up why not start “filling” him with skills to succeed now). One of my favorite lessons for him is empowerment! By pulling back and rerouting I am giving him the confidence to explore and take risk(hopefully calculated risks as he gets older). Finally, I know that my new found ways of dealing with him will teach him more about rewards and consequences and teach him that every action has both rewards and consequences attached. So in closing I probably won’t lessen the amounts of bumps, bruises, and cuts but at least I’m attempting to raise a well rounded individual AND keeping a tad of my sanity while doing so.